"But somehow, I beat them charges like Rocky"
Let's make one thing clear up front, I'm not saying I get stoned to the bejeezus belt, flunked a drug test and then bamboozled the commissioner into not suspending me. But IF I wanted to, it would have been pretty easy to do. Just follow these three easy steps.
Clean hair sample for testing? Wait until the Cutler kid gets out of the shower and fish some pubes out of the drain. This is much less confrontational than my previous method of hiding his pants and then ripping out a handful in the locker room.
You want to know how to pass a polygraph? Easy, just inseminate nine different women. Believe me, when you have knocked up as many honeys as I have you become a master in the art of deception real fast. I'm a lying fucking ninja. “The child support check is in the mail.” “I'll make it to your birthday party.” “Baby, I have no why that dude is trying to serve me with papers.” “Sure I remember your name, uh, kid.” “I'm gonna have a vasectomy in the off-season.” And so forth.
Last step, come up with some bullshit story about being exposed to some second-hand weedsmoke. But careful not to make Goodell think you hang with the wrong crowd. "I swear commissioner, I was walking to bible study when some guy who looked a lot like Selvin Young jumped out of the alley and exhaled his blunt right in my face."
"Contact high?" BWAHHAHAHAHA! Yeah, that cherry red Graffix bong with the dragon inlay and three foot extension contacted the shit out of my grill, yo. I like dragons. I wish I could breath fire. I'd be all, what's that Merriman, you trying to stop me? How 'bout I roast your ass like I was Godz-- um...uh, I mean, just say no to drugs, kids.
17 comments:
I love weed, LOVE IT! Probably always will! But not as much as I love pussy! The end.
I was going to run for 1500 yards and 10 TD's....but then I got high.
Problem with using Cutler's pubes is that while you may pass a drug test, you're going to get called in everytime a man/sheep hybrid is born.
Wait until the Cutler kid gets out of the shower and fish some pubes out of the drain.
This is provided Cutler hasn't already sold them at the Pube Fair in Fort Collins.
His glove box is locked so is the trunk in the back and he know his rights Goodell, you goin' need a warrant for that
If I still had my three-foot acrylic bong, I'd rename it "Travis Henry's Babymaker." We had a five-foot bamboo bong in college. Called it "Boo Radley."
I got nothing else. That thing was rough, though.
My names TH and I'm here to say,
I didn't smoke pot back in the day,
So just remember
Its your decision
But marijuana
can lead to prison
In all seriousness: Think one day Henry loses track of his indiscretions and sleeps with his own daughter? Is this wrong?
Are you ready for the next episode heyayayiay! DON'T smoke weed everyday.
that picture at the bottom reminds me of lunch time in highschool.
that is probably your best bad MS paint yet, flubby. look how happy travis is to see that enormous spliff! he is going to take big puffs of that massive blunt and be absolutely high. nice work. very nice.
smoking weed is beneficial for any football career. just ask ricky williams.
outstanding, flubby
Good MS Paint. I like how you used Rob Ryan's t-shirt as the backdrop.
Brilliant.
"I'm a lying fucking ninja"
Cutler intended to head up to the Fort Collins Pube Fair and unload some pubes, but didn't pull the trigger fast enough and the tickets were sold out.
Oh, I meant that he meant to throw that pass but didn't pull the trigger fast enough and got fucking sacked.
Travis Henry is coming out with a new book: "If I Did Her...and her sister and their 15 friends."
Hey, kids: ALWAYS say NO to drugs -- unless you can figure out the testing schedule. And another thing: ALWAYS say YES to poon tang -- and let yo meat work in the flesh so you can leave 9 fatherless kids in your wake.
Here's my tribute to Travis and other former and present UT Vol dopers:
http://perabsurdus.livejournal.com/2007/11/04/
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