Friday, December 7, 2007

"But somehow, I beat them charges like Rocky"


Let's make one thing clear up front, I'm not saying I get stoned to the bejeezus belt, flunked a drug test and then bamboozled the commissioner into not suspending me. But IF I wanted to, it would have been pretty easy to do. Just follow these three easy steps.

  1. Clean hair sample for testing? Wait until the Cutler kid gets out of the shower and fish some pubes out of the drain. This is much less confrontational than my previous method of hiding his pants and then ripping out a handful in the locker room.


  2. You want to know how to pass a polygraph? Easy, just inseminate nine different women. Believe me, when you have knocked up as many honeys as I have you become a master in the art of deception real fast. I'm a lying fucking ninja. “The child support check is in the mail.” “I'll make it to your birthday party.” “Baby, I have no why that dude is trying to serve me with papers.” “Sure I remember your name, uh, kid.” “I'm gonna have a vasectomy in the off-season.” And so forth.


  3. Last step, come up with some bullshit story about being exposed to some second-hand weedsmoke. But careful not to make Goodell think you hang with the wrong crowd. "I swear commissioner, I was walking to bible study when some guy who looked a lot like Selvin Young jumped out of the alley and exhaled his blunt right in my face."


"Contact high?" BWAHHAHAHAHA! Yeah, that cherry red Graffix bong with the dragon inlay and three foot extension contacted the shit out of my grill, yo. I like dragons. I wish I could breath fire. I'd be all, what's that Merriman, you trying to stop me? How 'bout I roast your ass like I was Godz-- um...uh, I mean, just say no to drugs, kids.



17 comments:

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I love weed, LOVE IT! Probably always will! But not as much as I love pussy! The end.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

I was going to run for 1500 yards and 10 TD's....but then I got high.

Gourmet Spud said...

Problem with using Cutler's pubes is that while you may pass a drug test, you're going to get called in everytime a man/sheep hybrid is born.

naptown drew said...

Wait until the Cutler kid gets out of the shower and fish some pubes out of the drain.

This is provided Cutler hasn't already sold them at the Pube Fair in Fort Collins.

MicroscopicElvis said...

His glove box is locked so is the trunk in the back and he know his rights Goodell, you goin' need a warrant for that

Phony Gwynn said...

If I still had my three-foot acrylic bong, I'd rename it "Travis Henry's Babymaker." We had a five-foot bamboo bong in college. Called it "Boo Radley."

I got nothing else. That thing was rough, though.

LiarLidimew said...

My names TH and I'm here to say,
I didn't smoke pot back in the day,
So just remember
Its your decision
But marijuana
can lead to prison

In all seriousness: Think one day Henry loses track of his indiscretions and sleeps with his own daughter? Is this wrong?

ColeTrain said...

Are you ready for the next episode heyayayiay! DON'T smoke weed everyday.

Chris said...

that picture at the bottom reminds me of lunch time in highschool.

Ken Dynamo said...

that is probably your best bad MS paint yet, flubby. look how happy travis is to see that enormous spliff! he is going to take big puffs of that massive blunt and be absolutely high. nice work. very nice.

The Big Picture said...

smoking weed is beneficial for any football career. just ask ricky williams.

StuScottBooyahs said...

outstanding, flubby

fallex said...

Good MS Paint. I like how you used Rob Ryan's t-shirt as the backdrop.

Sammy Winder said...

Brilliant.
"I'm a lying fucking ninja"

Cutler intended to head up to the Fort Collins Pube Fair and unload some pubes, but didn't pull the trigger fast enough and the tickets were sold out.
Oh, I meant that he meant to throw that pass but didn't pull the trigger fast enough and got fucking sacked.

Itza Minkman said...

Travis Henry is coming out with a new book: "If I Did Her...and her sister and their 15 friends."

Itza Minkman said...

Hey, kids: ALWAYS say NO to drugs -- unless you can figure out the testing schedule. And another thing: ALWAYS say YES to poon tang -- and let yo meat work in the flesh so you can leave 9 fatherless kids in your wake.

Rick said...

Here's my tribute to Travis and other former and present UT Vol dopers:

http://perabsurdus.livejournal.com/2007/11/04/