Thursday, December 20, 2007

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen Reports That ESPN’s Chris Mortensen Is Just F--king Guessing


ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that earlier report of ESPN’s Bill Parcells currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight may or may not have a layover.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen tells ESPN's "Mike & Mike" that a reported flight to Atlanta tonight contained Elton John without his hair or makeup, and NOT ESPN’s Bill Parcells.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen confirms to ESPN that ESPN's Chris Mortensen does not know where ESPN’s Bill Parcells is at this time, but will have updates as this story develops.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is now on his way to Miami, preparing to sign offer sheet to become VP of Dolphins. Parcells will sign the offer, unless he does not.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is carrying with him a preserved mosquito in amber, and plans on cloning dinosaurs once he lands in Miami.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells has actually already cloned two velociraptors and has them in transit.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that the velociraptors have been genetically engineered to read, to use telekinesis, and to feel no pain. But that the velociraptors are both females, so that they cannot learn to breed.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen tells ESPN's John Clayton that the velociraptors have learned to BREED!

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that the bloodthirsty velociraptors have parachuted out the plane and are presently on the ground!

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that THEY HAVE NUKES NOW! GOOD FUCKING GOD, RUN! EVERYONE RUN! HURRY! PLEASE! SOON THEY WILL DEVOUR US ALL AND CREATE A NEW ERA!


NBA: Raptors 73, Bucks 71

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli reports that the recent reports (probably from a blog) of a superintelligent nuclear dinosaur attack were incorrect. Apparently, they were just cats.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen OFFICIALLY CONFIRMS that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas. Today. December 20th.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen would like to reiterate his confirmation that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas, because it's totally true!

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that Yahoo's Mike Silver has written an article with lots of cool stuff in it, and that he will soon report its contents.

Get the inside scoop from ESPN's Chris Mortensen on ESPN Insider!

23 comments:

NHZ said...

Well played. Mortensen should be called on all the bull shit he's thrown around this season.

Jake said...

Mortensen has been making up crap for years. He has had Kirk Ferentz taking over the reins at every school in the NCAA and coaching at every pro franchise in the NFL plus a few arena teams since Iowa made the Orange Bowl in 2002.

Pemulis said...

Mortensen is just a strong believer in chaos theory

quiet strength said...

Reading the comments from Dolphins players about Parcells possibly coming...I'd say that's a bad sign for Cam Cameron. Also a bad sign for Cam Cameron is his name. His first name is Malcom. Yet he choses to go by Cam. What a fuck up.

JAMMQ said...

Great post, as always, BDD . . .

I've been waiting for this all day . . .

When can we expect another Wade & Jerry post . . .

Crazy Little Thing said...

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that he can, yes, he can still achieve erection. Totally. And without the use of medications designed to treat erectile dysfunction.

Pale Writer said...

I think that Chris Mortensen read "Foucalt's Pendulum" and wants to shape the world by reporting on it.

Or he has a hardon for Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle.

Pepster said...

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has just reported that the Miami Dolphins will need a monumental upset of the New England Patriots this week to keep from having a winless season.

lieutenant winslow said...

ESPN's Chris Mortenson is reporting that Fox Sport's Jay Glazer actually broke the story first, but the douchefucks at ESPN refused to actually give him credit for it.

wait, what?

Phony Gwynn said...

7 a.m.?

Fucking A, Drew. Either tell your firm you need to start coming in later, or give your kids some whiskey at night.

Crazy Little Thing said...

ESPN's Chris Mortensen is reporting that Pat Robertson can leg press over 2,000 pounds.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that toys made in China are completely safe for children. Lead does a body good!

ESPN's Chris Mortensen confirms that Frank Caliendo is indeed funnier than John Belushi in his prime.

This is fun.

Barry said...

"When the Falcons announced Parcells turned them down -- while also releasing the details of his talks with the Dolphins -- several Miami players were playing cards and dominoes in the locker room.
-Many immediately turned their attention to the television, seeking more information"

It's great to see the Dolphins are preparing for the undefeated Patriots by playing cards and dominos... and watching TV

Weed Against Speed said...

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that 10 year-old Jason Krause does not go "that way", particularly with sports reporters in their 50's.

It could be true.

Hank said...

ESPN's Chris Mortensen is reporting that water is, indeed, still wet.

Also, there is a 100% chance of darkness around 1 a.m. local time in your area.

dickey simpkins said...

ESPN's Chris Mortenson is reporting that he may or may not create his stories from what he can put together in his Alpha-Bits cereal, or Cheerios if available.

Pepster said...

@ barry - Apparently the Dolphins do play a ton of dominoes in and around the locker room, team flights, etc. (I guess the Cuban influence in Miami is strong).

But the point of this story is that Jason Allen, the oft maligned first round pick from a couple of years ago apparently isn't a very good player, and his teammates noticed part of the reason may be stupidity, when while playing dominoes, they often have to tell him, "No, Jason. You aren't allowed to do that. We tell you this everytime we play", because he screws up so much.

Crazy Little Thing said...

ESPN's Chris Mortensen is reporting that PETA has named Michael Vick its Sexiest Vegetarian of the Year.

Pepster said...

I just heard that ESPN's Chris Mortensen is reporting that Big Daddy Drew of KSK is reporting that ESPN's Chris Mortensen is a douche that makes up most of his reports without any real information.

leaf said...

Chris Mortenssen reports: I am a walking non-sequitor.

BustinBilly said...

It's those damn manatees. Mort just needs some new manatees.

BlueLew3 said...

Mort's a Parcells buddy now. That whole Falcons thing was designed for leverage with the Dolphins - aka an extra ~$250,000. I bet Mort gets more than just a Shula's Steakhouse gift certificate this Christmas

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I don't know why dinosaurs would want a new bra but I like it!

/speedreadin

mclovin1 said...

Is it me or is ESPN turning more to tabloid or sensational journalism. From indepth discussions about Tony Romo's Mexico vacation to over analysis of Tom Brady's boot. Why can't they just stick to sports and leave all of the bs to tabloids.

I was so happy to read the frustrations other sports fans have with Chris Mortensen. Watching a "breaking news" report from him is like watching the varying caucaus results from FOX News or CNN. I've never seen any reporter be so consistenly incorrect without ever once acknowledging that he was wrong or made the shit up. I've almost learned to take the opposite approach to everything Mortensen says, when the ticker reports a breaking news story attributed to him. From Bill Parcells, Lane Kiffin, The Raiders, to Chad Johnson. This guys is less accurate than a meterologist. Joining Mortensen in the oops I'm an idiot category. Kirk Herbstreit & his Les Miles to Michigan bombshell. Nice work Kirk. Like Mortensen, I don't recall ever hearing a "my bad" or retraction come out of his mouth. If anyting, I think he learned his lesson, and we are all better off, living without any more of this golden nuggets from his "highly trusted" sources.

My 2 cents.