Monday, December 17, 2007

What The F--k, Dad?

Nice going, DAD! Way to shit the bed against the Jets, DAD! Great job fucking my fantasy team in the finals with 140 yards and zero touchdowns, DAD! Thanks for not covering the 90 points and pissing away my five grand, DAD! Thanks for letting the doctors snip off my fucking ropecock, DAD!

I hate you! I never want to see you again!

Well, alright, let's calm down here. I guess I can concede that I wasn't seeing you much to begin with, so I think we need to have a little man-to-infant chat here. We both know that you make Matt Leinart look like Jon Kitna when it comes to raisin' pups, ya dig? So what about we make a little dealio here: I'll keep this "shitty father" business to myself and you don't blow my trust fund on some diamond thong for my future stepmother. Okay? Pinky shake? Yeah, you're pinky's as big as my whole fucking hand, so why not?

Oh, by the way, when are you and Mom getting back together? She gets really excited when you're on TV. She has a ritual, she locks herself in her room to watch the game with one of the landscapers, yelling "Go deep, baby! Go deep!" I didn't even know there was a TV in that room. But I see tears of joy on her face every time you guys win!

It hasn't been that bad with you gone; Mom brings over these hot-ass fucking nannies to help change me. Sometimes I'll just shit myself as soon as the doorbell rings so these bitches get an extra shot at rubbing my ass crack. No more tears, indeed.

Oh, and one of my teeth came in last week, Dad! Look! This tooth is gonna--LOOK AT MY FUCKING TOOTH, DAD! Thank you! This tooth is 1/20th of my future million-dollar smile, which works out to, oh fuck, what's a cool mill divided by 20? The fucking abacus on my crib doesn't go up that high. Hey, hand me that little globey thing with the balls in it that I like to mow the carpet with.

Oh shit, I forget, I'm not that old yet.

13 comments:

SlideShow Bob said...

we need Cribs with calculators.

Uncle JR said...

**wiping tears from eyes**

Fucking brilliant!

The Big Picture said...

always fresh ideas how to get hot chicks to wipe ass cracks.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Well played.

Dave said...

the ropecock is back

SlickBomb said...

Love the Rope Cock line.

But you're wrong about Bridget. When she sees Daddy on TV, she locks herself in the closet and rolls around in 1,000 dollar bills.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Rolling around in $1,000 bills and nailing the landscaper are not necessarily mutually exclusive, however.

Comicbook Guy said...

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!
Amazingly well played

JAMMQ said...

When does Belicheck start harvesting the baby's blood?

Matt said...

I'm fairly certain that the Yankees will sign the kid to a contract, just in case. They might also tie his right arm behind his back. A lefty closer throwing heat born to a MILF and a HOF QB is on everyone's Christmas list.

KC Cal said...

Wait til you get baby sat by "Uncle Bill" little Brady. Then you'll REALLY hate your dad.

Moof! said...

Where is the homerism Vikings post goddamnit? Iam gainfully unemployed and thus have been drinking sice 2 in order to prepare for the schelacking (sic) that The Prez and Purple Jesus are going to put on Da Neckbeards. no more vikings 3-13 tag either, fuck yes.

Ricky said...

Your a hater.