Tuesday, December 18, 2007

KSK Gamebook: Bears-Vikes on MNF


-You gotta be fucking kidding me with this new Rambo movie. This is the kind of movie that gets 100% of its financing from the Bulgarian mafia. Sylvester Stallone is made primarily of plaster-of-paris at this point. There’s one other problem with this movie. The original “First Blood”, which was about a traumatized Vietnam vet reacting to a bully sheriff like a wounded animal, was a really fucking good movie. Rambo didn't WANT to fuck shit up. He was forced to. Now they’ve got him blowing shit up to Drowning Pool songs. Kinda goes against the spirit of the original.

-Last night’s game featured the Vikings in purple pants. They looked like gay Ravens.

-Nothing says the holidays quite like the word DUH. As in, “It’s obvious… that these Hyundai ads are getting really fucking annoying. Shame on you, Jeff Bridges.”

-They showed Adrian Peterson’s dad in the stands last night. He looked about 2 years older than Purple Jesus. Which reminded me of this:



-I think I’ve had enough of Dewey Cox for right now. “Walk Hard” looks funny and all, but we’re getting into fucking “Bee Movie” terrain with this promotional shit.

-I know we rip on ESPN a lot here, but I thought last night’s telecast was pretty damn good. Yeah, the game was a total fucking abortion. But what was nice was that Tirico & Co. happily acknowledged it. One time after a Bears penalty (their 5,000th of the evening), Tirico blurted out, “This offense is AWFUL.” When the fuck did Mike Tirico become an interesting person? That sounded more like the Mike Tirico that wants to fuck women on top of cars. I want to get to know THAT Mike Tirico better.

-Apropos of nothing, I am far too liberal with wiper fluid. If there's a particle of dust anywhere one the windshield, I fucking crank that shit for all it's worth. I think I just really like watching it squirt out. I must be gay.

-Kyle Orton looked exactly like Martin from “Knocked Up” last night. No, Coach Smith, Kyle didn’t have pink eye. He was just really hiiiiiiiiiigh.

-I have a friend who has another friend who is roommates with Orton. Apparently, Orton was very displeased about the prospect of starting for the Bears, because it meant the end of the gravy train. He knows he isn't good enough to be a pro QB, and that he looks far more appealing on the bench than in a real game. I love Kyle Orton.

-I find it funny that IBM’s new tagline is “Stop Talking. Start Doing,” yet their ads don’t sell any kind of actual product. In other words, they’re just bullshit. I’m not sure any company has spent more on advertising without actually selling something than IBM.

-One of the fun things about being a fan is, when my team plays well, I say to myself, “Holy shit! They’re fucking great! They’re never gonna lose!” Then the next week they play like shit and I say to myself, “God, they fucking SUCK. They’re never gonna get better unless they fire everyone. FUCK THEM.” I have no attention span at all, despite knowing better. But I think that’s what I LIKE about being a fan: The ability to turn on my team at the drop of a fucking hat. It’s really quite fun. My Vikings suck, by the way.

-I saw Krayzee Eyes Killah in a K-Mart ad last night. He did not ask the big blue light if he liked to eat pussy. Though I bet the blue light could do quite well down there, what with the illumination. He knows where he’s lickin’!

-They went through all the Bears QBs since McMahon last night. Each of them makes an excellent “Use an obscure player as a punchline” reference. Steve Stenstrom? Oh, that’s funny.

-There were black Viking fans!

-Brad Childress apparently showed the team a video of a group of water buffaloes scaring off a lion before the game. What better way to motivate the team than to ask them to emulate an animal so weak and pathetic it needs 30 of its kin to fend off ONE other animal.

-Look out! It’s the Fastest 3 minutes in sports! The highlights are shaking! They’re using filters to make the games look grainier! Oh my God, IT’S SO INTENSE!

-And you thought I overpraised Adrian Peterson. Holy shit, did he enter Favre and Vick territory last night. I’m surprised they didn’t have an ice sculpture of him in the booth with them. Jesus.

39 comments:

flubby said...

They looked like gay Ravens.

Gayvens???

Big Daddy Drew said...

Hoyven gayven!!!!

Upstate Underdog said...

this time of year, especially in the northeast can you ever be too liberal with windshield washer fluid ?

StuScottBooyahs said...

Amen on those Hyundai commercials

Everytime that voice-over guy says "happy holi..duh" like he's being so cleverly ironic i want to stab him repeatedly in the eye

Pave the Whales said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM

The above is the video to which they referred. Childress was apparently trying to show that teamwork wins. Of course, if there had been an equal number of lions, it could have been more interesting.

StuScottBooyahs said...

@pave the whales: What amazed me was TK acting like this is so unbelievably profound. You want to be a lion or gator, right? WRONG! It's all about team! Wooo, what a renegade coach.

Weed Against Speed said...

Watching video of water buffalo always reminds Childress of all the years he spent working closely with Andy Reid.

Memories.

Kurt Miller said...

Black viking fans? I thought the only black people in Minnesota are Prince and Warren Moon.

Pemulis said...

this game sucked so bad i spent most of it watching the princess bride on one of the hbo's.

WhiteSpeedReceiver said...

Brad Childress is obviously a fan of BBD's work.

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/06/think-pats-colts-was-back-and-forth.html

Sexual Tyrannosaurus said...

I believe they had a Purple Jesus RealDoll, not an ice sculpture.

Sam said...

@pemulis

Aaaaaaaaaaaas yoooooooooou wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!

/dickjoke.

Pepster said...

As a Bears fan - I prefer Henry Burris as the punchline over Steve Stenstrom, but that is simply because I think he sucks more!

The Last Unitard said...

Next week's game plan: no passing.

Seriously.. why not just ditch the QB and receivers, toss a few more guards in there and direct snap to AP every play.

smurphette said...

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

Marc Bulger nods in agreement.

bloodyhandedgod said...

Truly horrid football game. Orton and Jackson. What a pair of fucktards.

Pepster said...

Although the game could have been worse. Brooks Bollinger could have made an appearance .... what? Never mind - horrible game.

Pemulis said...

I was about to make a joke including Fezzik saying "You just wiggled your finger. That's wonderful. " but im already a bad enough person as it is.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Speaking of sequels that aren't nearly as good as the original, what the fuck is up with "Live Free or Die Hard"? It's entertaining enough, but bald Bruce Willis surfing on a crashing F-14 isn't nearly as interesting as balding Bruce Willis crawling across glass.

And where's my goddamn Ovaltine?

Pave the Whales said...

Maybe TJax should act more like a buffalo and keep his feet on the ground.

Not that I don't love the jump-throw interception. It's like NFL Blitz, for reals!

Leaking Geek said...

Being drafted/signed as a Bears QB:

Like taking over for the last Dread Pirate Roberts, except no one fears you and the ship name is TITANIC...

JAMMQ said...

-Brad Childress apparently showed the team a video of a group of water buffaloes scaring off a lion before the game.


I feel like I've seen that video somewhere before . . .

Chris said...

dude you are out of your mind for hating on Rambo. Sly is the man and has never done us wrong.

Okay, "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot" was less than genius, but everyone has their off days.

Smello said...

So, I've gotten out of the habit of watching Monday Night Countdown because it's just not very good. However, I caught some of it last night. Has Steve Young been scoffing at Emmitt like Emmitt's a moron all season or is this new?

And, I was actually kind of rooting for the Neck Beard. I wonder if the Bears pay him with cases of Jack?

Big Jim Slade said...

Did you know that the First Blood novel ends with Col. Troutman mercy-shooting Rambo in the back of the head ala Lenny in "Of Mice and Men"? Won't someone think of the SEQUELS!?!?!




ps. spoiler alert

Big Daddy Drew said...

Sly is the man and has never done us wrong.

So you were a fan of Rhinestone, Oscar!, Judge Dredd, The Specialist, Driven, Daylight, An Alan Smithee Film, Spy Kids 3-D, Assassins, and D-Tox?

Good to know.

Slash said...

RE IBM ads: it's called "branding." Yeah, it's still bullshit, but it's bullshit WITH A PURPOSE. If you ever see an ad for any company that doesn't specifically mention a product but does prominently feature a BS tagline that says nothing whatsoever that really makes sense, that's branding.

RE wipers: I like to watch the fluid squirt too. And that mechanical hum when it comes out is kinda cool.

Slash said...

Almost forgot. Judge Dredd was a fucking horrible movie. In case anyone hasn't seen it and thought, "How bad could it be, there's nothing else on," it's that bad. Not worth 2 hours of your life. Watch anything else. C-SPAN is better.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I know what branding is, slash. But those ads don't even feature any sort of useful brand message.

FJoeTheisman said...

Oh, so Tango and Cash is the shit now?

Slash said...

BDD: you're just not reading between the lines, man.

Stop Talking. Start Doing (something on an IBM product, we'll let you know which one).

See? It's just that simple! So simple it's brilliant (I'm pretty sure that's someone else's brand message, just can't remember which one...)!

This is why I'm so proud to be part of the ad industry. A tiny, tiny cog, really, but a part nonetheless. Yessirree...

Big Jim Slade said...

RE: branding

Is that the same as when the Hewlit-Packard commercials urge you to buy Gwen Stefani's "creativity"?

mamacita said...

I thought Oscar was cute.

Jonathan said...

This is the motivation video in case anyone was wondering.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM

Drizztdj said...

A good drinking game last night would have been every time the words "Peterson" or "Hester" were mentioned.

Double shots for usage in the same sentence.

SKOL VIKES!

Slash said...

RE Gwen Stefani's "creativity": Yeah.

Companies like "branding" spots because they think it's a softer sell than urging you to buy something. They're not shilling their latest product, they're inviting you to join their party or gang or whatever. I hate ads that don't sell shit. Just tell me what to buy already, assholes.

Gwen Stefani should stick to music and having abs of steel. Her clothing line is fugly. If HP is in any way responsible for that part of her creative product, that's a mark against them, as far as I'm concerned.

Kolja said...

The problem with a Gwen Stefani clothing line is that it implies Gwen Stefani wearing clothes. She should just be naked.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

You want an obscure football references? My friend almost had a heart-attack last night discussing how foolish it was of the Chiefs to ever believe Harvey Williams could replace THE Barry Word.

/1993

@ Slash

Just do it, 'it' = sports/buying our shoes.

Do Something, 'Something' = Masturbate?

Disagree? Douchebag...

Ryan L said...

Thanks for the "Don't be a menace..." clip. That is a damn funny movie.

Dashiki: "Now kids, what do we say to a man that Mommy just met?"
Kids: "Are you my daddy?"

Dashiki (swahili for "doggy style") lives on 6969 penetration ave.