Monday, December 24, 2007

The Day Jesus Invented Football


Everybody knows Christmas is just some date that was assigned as Jesus' birthday by Pope Bellicose V to coincide with some pagan winter solstice sodomyfest. But December 24 carries actual significance in the Christian calendar, for it was the day Jesus took a knee for our sins and created the most holy game of football.

Before the advent of the sport, bands of pagans amused themselves by catching fatal diseases, trying soccer and getting bored or playing Scrabulous on Facebook. People were getting restless with this "Son of God" business, saying that if he really was something special, he'd find a way to win in the playoffs after finishing the regular season with 13 wins every fucking year.

In his 20th year, joined by his 12 Apostles, Joe Gibbs, Jon Kitna, Tony Dungy, Mark Brunell, Kurt Warner, Deion Sanders, Adrian Peterson, Mike Singletary, Jason Elam, Tom Landry, Reggie White and Mike Huckabee, Christ did create the continent of North America so that the 13 of them could convene at a field house in Canton, Ohio.

"Behold, my brothers," Jesus did say. "I give you football."

He held aloft the oddly shaped object fashioned of cowhide leather but referred to as a pigskin. The Apostles wept as they regarded it. Tom Landry didn't take off his hat, though, because he was a disrespectful asswipe.

"With this ball, shall ye line up 11 on 11 and attempt to take the ball to the opponent's end of the Earth."

The Earth back then was only 100 yards long.

"All that I ask of you is that you thank me for each win and each touchdown and not fault me for losses, fumbles or drive killing phantom holding calls."

The Apostles agreed to do so.

"However, Man is not yet ready to accept this divine gift. Therefore I will create a race of lesser men to keep the grass of this continent in good shape - well, except Pittsburgh - until a football playing race of men is able to slaughter them and establish a multi-billion dollar league dedicated to bringing it to the masses at exorbitant prices. The Washington franchise will be given a name insulting to this breed of lesser man."

"One more thing: you should slap each other's asses while you play it," Jesus said.

"Really? Slap each other's asses? What are you, Jesus, gay?" asked Jon Kitna.

"Actually, yes. Yes, I am," replied Jesus as he tongue kissed Esera Tuaolo.

24 comments:

Matt said...

I'm pretty sure this text is found in the book of John somewhere.

devang said...

Drinking at work again, Ape?

The Steelers might as well sell their soul to Satan if they're going to get anywhere in the playoffs without Fast Willie Parker. They may advance past the 1st round but if they meet Indy or the Pats (I don't know who, I'm too drunk and sick to look it up), the only way they win if Najeh takes a dump in all the opposing players' jocks.

Christmas Ape said...

Losing Aaron Smith has hurt them more than losing Parker.

You're probably right, though. They'll be hard pressed to get past the second round. Which is fine by me. My hopes for this season were that they get back to the playoffs and they have. Now if they can do something about the O-line and get a more consistent pass rush, they'll be good to make a serious title run next year.

Ricky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
H Cuz said...

Tom Landry didn't take off his hat, though, because he was a disrespectful asswipe.

Nice.

MDT said...

No coal at the news factory?

smeos said...

Somewhere, there's an Indian crying.

Stephen said...

Gold. The shit about Tom Landry, the selection of the apostles and the quote on lesser men (Injuns) were hilarious.

Happy Kwanzaa.

Eagle in Brighton said...

Priceless.

/single tear runs down my native face.

Maxwell said...

Fuck Joe Damato yule-style. Yay, I'm several days late.

August West said...

Alas, its was up to Joseph Smith to create the forward pass.

Lizzy said...

Ape, me too.

Working this whole week that is.

JD said...

Mmmmmmm.....blasphemy

/Homer

twoeightnine said...

Praise be to Allah.

dickey simpkins said...

Don't fret, you can celebrate at work with the terrorists who die a little inside during the holidays. Actually, I bet even they do a Secret Santa.

Dusty said...

Great post Xmas Ape..hope your getting whatever-the-fuck it is that you want tomorrow..

Big Daddy Drew said...

Why won't fucking gmail work?

Jadawin said...

You should probably try some foreplay

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

"Actually, yes. Yes, I am," replied Jesus as he tongue kissed Esera Tuaolo.

You know Kitna was secretly totally into it too.

Punch Rockgroin said...

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? The birth of Santa?

Dusty said...

I don't give a rats ass how much pot I smoke or booze I drink..

I can not get that fucking Trans Siberian Orch Miller Lite tune out of my fucking head.

Gmail has Xmas off BDD.

SlideShow Bob said...

I dont think Gibbs heard the part where ur supposed to play 11 on 11.

smurphette said...

Beautiful, Ape. Hope you've been able to salvage your Christmas a little, despite having to work. I know there's a Dungy joke to be made at the end of your post, but I'm too drunk and sleepy from tryptophan to make it. Merry Xmas KSK!

Otto Man said...

You know Kitna was secretly totally into it too.

Yeah, he protests too much. All he needs to do to complete his Fortress of Gay Denial is to run for Congress as a Republican.