Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Parcells is Going to Do What Now?

Wade: For a week coming off a loss, it's certainly been quiet around here. Jim Johnson foiled our attack good, even rattled Romo a bit. Just have to eliminate the distractions and I'll have everything back in apple pie order.

Let's see what else is going on around the league:

Hmmm. Pro Bowl rosters announced. Hey, a league-high 11 Cowboys! That's even more than New England. Wonder how we swung that?

What's this sidebar? "Parcells rejects Falcons offer, may join Dolphins." Hoo boy.

(door flies open)

Jerry: YYYYYYYEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAWWWWW

Wade: Oh lordie.

Jerry: Your Lord is right, Bulbous the Blubber Beefcake! Can you believe what the media is saying the world-beating squad I've assembled is the work of Parcells? They say he's gonna replicate the task in Miami. He didn't even want T.O. or my great goddamn star ROMO.

Wade: You can't really concern yourself with what the media says, sir.

Jerry: YOU BETTER GODDAMN BELIEVE I CAN, CAUTIONARY WHALE!

(flips on TV)

Parcells: It's like I said, you scribbling little faggots: I'll fix this little pathetic fucking franchise right up in no time, just like I did in New England, New York and Dallas. Write that shit down and shove it in your peehole, twinkledick. Please refer all follow-up questions to the back of your sallow teeth, shitheads.

(turns TV off)

Jerry: Did you hear that, Mother Flubber? I know if he said all-you-can-eat moon pie night, you'd have fucking heard him clear as a Day's Inn seafood buffet, Lard O' Lakes.

Wade: He did do a fine job of getting the team back on track after a few losing seasons.

Jerry: He did a fine job of HORSE SHIT, Hamhock! He couldn't even win a goddamn playoff game. This success has all been the makings of Double-J! Now you better get your fat on the road and deliver me a Super Bowl, or I won't give you this hover scooter for Christmas so you can float your flab ass to the refrigerator and back.

Wade: I'll do what I can, sir.

Jerry: YEEHAW!!! WOO HOO!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!

34 comments:

smurphette said...

Um, what? I mean, I smiled at "twinkledick" and "cautionary whale" but how is there no Jessica Simpson in this? No, sir, I do not believe this is the real post. I bet this is punishment for nagging Drew for a new installment. I call bullshit.

Captain Caveman said...

THIS ISN'T FUCKING BURGER KING. YOU DON'T GET POSTS YOUR WAY. THE GAY MAFIA DESPISES ALL OF YOU.

Jim U. said...

Where's the fucking creepy ginger Jason Garrett?? God Damn It!!

MemphisRaines said...

Thanks for the reminder CC - well done Ape.

JAMMQ said...

Caveman goes "Arrrrrrrrr . . ."

But seriously some of you people have gotten a little out of control with all the begging for posts, and the "Oh BDD, I <3 U" comments.

You ask for shit, now complain it's not funny enough?

Where do you think you are, Deadspin?

Personally, I'm in favor of more lemon party posts. I'm all for singeing the remaining cells left in my retinas.

Phony Gwynn said...

"Bulbous the Blubber Beefcake"

Excellent.

My Insignificant Life said...

considering I was prison gang raped (year end review) by my boss and his boss this afternoon, this makes all my pain go away.

well done.

Lou Pickney said...

This is easily my favorite running feature on here.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

You can get posts your way at Burger King? That is awesome.

KC Cal said...

Damn, I wanted the Jason Garrett character to show up

James said...

Jerry Jones wasn't nearly abusive enough to be believable. The customer service from the gay mafia has gone downhill. Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us...

ColeTrain said...

This post lacks the BDD touch, that dash of "what-the-fuck-did-he-just-say" that makes us close the office door to properly laugh our asses off.

Although the hover scooter is pretty cool. I have to imagine there is a weight limit though.

smurphette said...

OMG I <3 UFFORD!!1! XOXOXO

leaf said...

Ape has Parcell's down. Sounded like my performance review - yes, there is a lot of that going on.

Merry fucking X-mas

QueeferSuthrland said...

james:

A fucking Devo reference?

+1

SlideShow Bob said...

Does this mean ur no longer serving the whopper?

dickey simpkins said...

I had no idea this was a radio show and we could request posts. Can I have more fake drafts to fill these boring last 2 weeks?

naptown drew said...

You will take our requests and you will like it.

Now put your Gay Mafia faggoty fingertips to the keyboards and don't let up until you bang out a fucking SSW!

Chris said...

@Dickey Simpkins
I was at a Bulls game during the winning years when Dickey came in a game. Fat drunk guy behind me yells "You got 6 fouls dickey use em all!" I laughed my ass off, thanks for reminding me.

And Drew could post "Yeeee HAWWW I'm fucking nuts!" all day and I'd laugh.
Top notch as always KSK.

miamidiesel said...

Write that shit down and shove it in your peehole, twinkledick.

If those Miller Lite douchebags used the Parcells press conference from this post for one of their commercials they might actually be funny. Excellent foray into W&J Ape. Does this mean BDD has gotten so big he's going to start franchising out his best regular series?

Also, when the fuck can I expect my 'Sex Cannon' shirts (or anything at all) for winning the first of the KSK Suicide Leagues this year? The Gay Mafia owes me my kudos...

My Insignificant Life said...

For those who want want want and complain when you get it, I just ordered you a pitcher of "shut the fuck up"

enjoy.

/still pissed about review

Pemulis said...

This is not the gay porn we were promised.

devang said...

@miamidiesel

good job on hammering those douchebag massholes. good shit.

BTW, Sam Adams Utopia is available ($175) but they don't ship to Jersey. Fuckin' motherfuckers.

So fuckin' drunk, I'd hit Elijah Dukes' bitch

Jason said...

Sadly, the hover scooter's weight limit is 220 lbs. So, Wade'd need 2, that he could strap together like sea turtles.

My performance review is tomorrow, so if you hear about someone snapping in the greater metro Detroit area, please tell the nice people on the news that you saw it coming and were totally unsurprised.

Matt said...

No Jason Garret.
No Yoko.
Tuna's back?
Yeeeeehhhhhaaaaaaawwwwww!!!!!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!! was just not the same.

I appreciate the effort, Xmas ape, but damnit Drew, come on now. I want pickles and onions on my post.

The Last Unitard said...

Bunch of ingrates.

Upstate Underdog said...

A for effort.

liked the mother flubber comment

Christmas Ape said...

I'll never fill in for Drew again!

The shoes and salmon shirts are much too large!

Christmas Ape said...

But, please, damn me more with faint praise.

dick_gozinia said...

Pull Drew away from his breadwich and get his lazy ass on writing a TO, Jessica Simpson post. Stat!

Also, if this year ends up being a Dallas-NE Superbowl, Peter King will need extra towels and I'll need a drug-induced coma for about 17 days.

Matt said...

Salmon shirt. Rough.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

WHY DIDN'T YOU WRITE ABOUT T.O

IT'S COLD OUTSIDE

MY PORRIDGE IS TOO HOT

WAAAAAAH


You're all shit.

ASmith said...

The " i secretly replaced the drew they serve with folger's crystals let's watch" tag line is the best tagling I've seen since the (Cleo) Lemon Party.

Also, dick joke.

NEDM said...

This was freakin' hilarious.

Comedy gold, Ape!