Thursday, December 27, 2007

Wanna Start a Resolution?

Come next Tuesday, there comes the tedious ordeal that accompanies every New Year: buying a new fucking calendar. They're all fucking terrible. Puppies, ponds, bridges, hair metal bands, Mega Man villains -- I can't commit to any of them. It's the same reason I don't have any tattoos or girlfriends.

There's also that first awkward 15 days or so when everyone dates everything '07. I got out of a speeding ticket two years in January despite being clearly guilty of going 30 miles over the limit because the officer dated the ticket the previous year. Thank you, legal loopholes.

Oh yeah, and make resolutions for the new year, but that's always an insincere nod to tradition, right? Wrong-o, fuckface. Apparently a bunch of NFL figures have pledged to do great in '08 and here's how:


Bobby Petrino resolves to... aw, fuck it.
Brian Billick resolves to make the world more in accordance with his perfect design.
A.J. Smith resolves to hire Brian Billick.
Wes Welker resolves that he'll win over that Boston fanbase yet.
Joe Damato resolves to point out that the people mentioned in this post didn't actually make these resolutions, moron. It's not even 2008 yet.
Roger Goodell resolves to scrap the NFL Network in favor of 53 channels each dedicated to a different player on the Patriots.
Devin Hester resolves to petition the Competition Committee to establish as inbounds all areas within 2 miles of the playing field.
Brett Favre resolves to stop hinting at retirement, sometime around never.
Travis Henry resolves to stop procreating...right after this last bitch pops one out.
Bryant Gumbel resolves to watch more football with his boyfriend as a way of bonding.
Derek Anderson resolves to choke again only after signing his big contract in the off-season.
Bart Scott resolves to choke more people.
Emmitt Smith dissolves to start sneaking more dearly.
Jason Elam resolves not to get left behind.
Philip Rivers resolves to yell at fewer employees at the Apple Store, people on the street, old ladies, trick-or-treaters, dogs, Chargers fans and mailboxes.
Tony Romo resolves to do that thing with his lips. You know, when it gets stretched taut from one side to the other? What's that called? Oh yeah: mouth raped by Peter King.
Marty Schottenheimer resolves to win every game in 2008 for his new team. Wait, the playoffs would be in 2009? FUCK.
Willie Parker resolves to bounce back from injury, reverse field, run backward 10 yards then get back to the line of scrimmage for no gain.
Kyle Orton resolves to shave...time off his two-minute drill.
Sean Mahan resolves to block...all the spam from his Gmail account.
Roy Williams resolves to move to Europe, where tipping is unnecessary and the quarterbacks are refreshingly secular.

20 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Petrino almost finished reading this post.

The Hazean said...

Why would Calvin Johnson want to move to Europe where tipping is unnecessary? Roy Williams was the one who did not like to tip.

Bulger in My Pants said...

I got out of a speeding ticket two years in January despite being clearly guilty of going 30 miles over the limit because the officer dated the ticket the previous year.

The same thing happened to me, too. Oh, Fairfax County Parkway jackhole cops. You are both dumb and amusing. My bank account thanks you!

Undead Zombie Horde said...

David Garrard resolves to slap his bitches around a little less.


Bill Belichick resolves to bang more married women...and tape it.

Matt said...

Tiki Barber resolves to play more football.

My Insignificant Life said...

I got out of a speeding ticket two years in January despite being clearly guilty of going 30 miles over the limit because the officer dated the ticket the previous year

Must have had Joe Damato as your attorney.

/being a dick

Wormfather said...

Chad Pennington resolves to throw the ball past the receivers more often...in an effort to actually make it to the receiver.

Wormfather said...

The Gay Mafia Resolves to restart the Kill, Kill, Kill segment every Thursday and before 5PM

The Gay Mafia resolves not to wait until the actual NFL Draft to reinstate Friday Commentor Drafts a. because it's the right thing to do and b. because it's the easiest day of the week for them.

Christmas Ape said...

ah, that's right, Hazean. I get my Lions receivers mixed up. Will make the fix.

Christmas Ape said...

Worry not Wormfather, you'll get your commenter drafts back in the offseason.

fallex said...

I bet you know Mike Furrey though.

Wormfather said...

/dance

Les Savy Ferd said...

whoa whoa whoa. whoa. Mega Man villains? I could totally settle on that.

the sexual innuendos in MM2 alone would suffice (i.e. Wood-man, Flash-man, 'Dr. Wright', etc.)

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I'm surprised this site doesn't market its own line of calendars -- this would both address your need for a calendar and generate funds for the furthering of dick joke research. For example:

The Obscure But Disgusting Sexual Reference or Term Of The Day Calendar

The AFC Fans Dressed Like Idiots Calendar

The Priceless Pep Talks With Peyton Manning Calendar

The Peyton Manning's Painful Death As Envisioned By Famous Artists Calendar (maybe I'm the only one who wants that?)

Phony Gwynn said...

@future: Don't forget the "Jerry Jones Obesity-related Put-Down of Wade Phillips" Calendar.

Also, Mike Shanahan resolves to re-solve that whole "Genius" thing.

devang said...

Bryant Gumbel resolves to dip into the Al Sharpton school of racism and produce a film of blaxploitaion of NFL and NBA player.

/douchebag

Awful Chief said...

Travis Henry resolves to stop procreating...right after this last bitch pops one out.

What if this last bitch decides to "take care of that little Henry"?

I know how you feel about Solondz movies not titled "Happiness", Ape, but I couldn't resist.

From the other side of town said...

Cedric Benson resolves to sweat and run hard on every play, but he'll keep dragging his ass back to the huddle like he's hurt and tired until 2009.

Brian Urlacher resolves to extend penis/pacifier to the whiny and petulent Jay Mariotti, but Jay will have to log on to Fox Sports to suck it.

Rex Grossman resolves to go deep, even deeper, like only the sex cannon can go. Sip on that Orton!

J.L. White said...

Randy Moss resolves to sit back and loaf through every other play, and exert himself as little as possible this post-season, preferably when it'll hurt the Patriots the most.

Old said...

Roger Goodell resolves to scrap the NFL Network in favor of 53 channels each dedicated to a different player on the Patriots.

Don't tell me there are going to be more ESPN channels. 'Coming up on ESPNBrady, watch (insert appropriately humorous ESPN personality here) grovel at Brady's feat...'