Another Seven-Diamond Specimen, Governor Spitzer?

I know what it's like to be a man of integrity. Despite what the papers and, on occasion, the authorities have had cause to say about me, I'm an honest businessman and, you, a servant of the people.

It appears our arrangement may have landed you in a spot of hot water. For this, I am sorry. When entering into such a transaction, I'm afraid there's the expectation of a considerable amount of risk for someone of your position. Xiochita tells me of your many positions.

You have been a valued customer, to be sure. Your night-long sessions with the Diabolical Diana at $5,500 an hour put me in pink Gators for life.

I hope with arrival of your sudden legal trouble there won't be the temptation to tell the authorities of our dealings. It would accomplish little to palliate your predicament. I also think the consequences could be somewhat dire for your loved ones, as well as your friend and fellow client, Mr. Umenyiora.

Many have called you something of a latter-day Eliot Ness. I suppose I should have foreseen this being something of a problem. There can't be two of us, you see. I mean, look at my hat! The role was clearly mine for always.

It’s My Understanding That You New England Gentlemen Are Unwilling To Pay Full Price For My Nubian Princesses

Hello! Welcome to Roxbury! Glad you could make it. Pardon our appearance. We’ve set up a makeshift camp here for the week. I know it’s not optimal conditions. But we do have deluxe Aerobeds, and we do have a small stock of Purell in each room. So I think you will find that, even as we rough it, we can still manage to do it in luxury. Anyway, would you care to join me for a quick sip of Charles Shaw?

Good.

(pours you a glass)

I tell you, you will not find a better Merlot under three dollars. Or, in your case, twenty-seven dollars for one glass. Are you comfortable standing? Perhaps we should retire to the divan. Come! Let us sit.

(sits on divan)

Do you like this divan? It’s from Turkey, which I’m told is a very exotic place that is not on this continent, where they eat various stewed meats. Often, after a long night, me and the girls will retire onto the divan to share finger sandwiches and do some light fisting. Go ahead. Sit back. That’s right. Just lean on your elbows. Isn’t that comfy?

Do I take credit cards? No, I’m afraid not. Too much of a paper trail. Are you in need of cash? Because there is an ATM machine just fourteen blocks over. I’m happy to wait as you get it. No? You’re good? Very well, then. Let us bring out the girls. SHARRAINE! GET THE GIRLS!


Juanita: Hello. I’m Juanita.

Juanita comes to us from Puerto Rico. She’s a grandmother, if that sort of thing suits you. Obviously, she knows her way around breeding. I must be honest. Juanita is very businesslike. Very stern. If you cross her, she’s liable to beat you with her shoe. Some sort of maternal reaction, I think. But I have to tell you, on most days, she’s very good. And she talks a surprisingly filthy game. I think it’s a function of Puerto Ricans living in such tight quarters. No secrets between those people. She’s not afraid to ask you to pull the hairs in her asscrack.


Jasmine: Hello. I’m Jasmine.

Oooh, Jasmine! Very, very elegant woman. She demands only the best of the best. I’ve seen her abruptly leave the checkout line at CVS if she’s made to wait too long. She’s very mysterious. Always sort of looking right through you. I almost think of her as some sort of big-chested housecat. She will bite without warning. Some guys are into that. Some are not.


Black Rose: I’m Black Rose.

Mmmm! The black cherry on my mansundae. You know I found her lying in an alley? She doesn’t remember a THING about her past. It’s kind of thrilling. Anyway, Black Rose is a very popular girl with our regular patrons. Very innovative. One customer stuck a bicycle pump in her. I thought that was rather ribald. She can get VERY nasty. Don’t be afraid to make permanent thumbprints on her body. But do be a gentlemen. 30% of her body is covered with razor burn.

So there are your choices. What do you think? Not bad, eh?

What do you mean, are there any more?

Well, I tried to go to great pains to show you my very finest ladies. I didn’t skimp. I almost brought Sasha with me, but she’s currently in a legal entanglement I cannot divulge. Surely, one of these fine women has caught your eye.

What do you mean, you’ll take Jasmine for half the price? I’m sorry, but these prices are not negotiable. We are not an outlet store for high-class pussy. We are the Hermes flagship store.

I think I know what’s really going on here. I was told this might happen by other players. It’s my understanding that you New England gentlemen are unwilling to pay full price for one of my Nubian princesses. Isn’t that right? "No daaaaakies," as I've heard Patriot fans call them? Isn’t that what you’re really telling Silky Garrard? That you are both discriminatory and thrifty with cash, as all Boston gents are?

Well, that’s unfortunate. I thought we were past this as a society. I see no reason why non-white women don’t deserve the same, good, hard meat stuffing as a white girl. Are we not one world? Didn't they teach you manners at Andover, or whatever fancy lily-white school you attended? I should have realized something was amiss. I take great umbrage, Sir. And, I must say, I think you are wrong. 80% of all the white women I’ve bedded have been about as exciting as fucking a dead halibut. But THESE women! These women have ambition! They didn’t just get the penis handed to them! They had to fight for every cock they got! And believe me, they bang like it.

Still want a white girl, eh? Oh, whatever. Fine. BRING HER OUT.


Linda: I’m Linda.

This is Linda. She’s a disgruntled 50-year-old housewife from Marblehead looking for some excitement. I hear she’s about as fun as fucking the headboard. Be my guest.

And give me back the Charles Shaw. It’s too good to share with a man of such poor taste. This goes on your bill.

If You’re Looking For Intercourse Under $300, You’ve Found The Right Man

Oh, hello there. Please, please. Come on in. Can I have Michelle take your coat? MICHELLE! Take this man’s coat, will you?

(girl wearing a beige body stocking takes your coat and smiles at you)

Can I have Leanna pour you a drink? Some port, perhaps? Excellent.

(pours you a glass of port)

Would you mind if I also partake? Oh, very well then!

(pours himself a glass of port)

Cheers to you, my new friend. Mmmm. Very nice. Very tawny. There’s a whole wildberry essence to it… very good. Well, let’s take a seat, shall we?

WHOA WHOA WHOA! Please, put that money away. You’ll present money to one of the ladies. We don’t handle it out in the open here. It’s very uncouth. Let us instead simply toast to a fine evening. Let us share a brief moment of civility. How are you? Are you feeling well? Are you a police officer?

No? Good. Did you know officers, by law, have to answer that last question honestly? Isn’t that interesting? Now, if you don’t mind, I need to have Tiny here pat you down. TINY!


(Tiny pats you down)

Well, that’s a relief! Now, let’s discuss some specifics. I understand you’re looking for intercourse, is that correct?

(You nod.)

Good! Because if you’re looking for intercourse under $300, you’ve found the right man. I offer premium quality at reasonable prices. And I am a stickler for customer service. We have evaluation forms you can fill out at the end of your session. Now, a couple of basic rules:

-You must pay your girl prior to the beginning of your session
-You must use a condom. We will provide them. We have flavored ones available upon request.
-You must take off your shoes before entering the room.
-Some girls do anal. Some do not. You must ask. No surprise visits, please.
-You will not receive a receipt.
-All sessions are audiotaped for quality assurance.
-No rough stuff.

Remember, these are ladies. Please treat them with the same respect you would treat your own mother when you ejaculate on their faces. Do you have any problem with any of these rules?

(You shake your head.)

Good. Tiny will be in the adjacent suite, lest things get too out-of-hand. But you don’t strike me as the unruly sort. Now. Let’s bring out the girls, shall we? GIRLS!


Chanel: I’m Chanel.

Chanel is very, very popular with our regulars. She’s very quick to pick up on what you like and what you don’t. She’s also works the shaft very well during blowjobs. Take it from me! I only ask that you not pull her hair, because it will come off if you do that.


Yvette: I’m Yvette.

Yvette comes to us from Taiwan. Very exotic. Very good with oils and lubricants. What she doesn’t know in English, she really makes up for with her enthusiasm for new and adventurous things, like a blowing you while riding a sybian machine.


Nene: I’m Nene.

Ah, Nene! One of our favorites. She hails from St. Thomas. Customers have been very quick to praise her ability to put them at ease. She’s very playful, Very friendly. Unless you don’t want her to be. She can get really nasty and tear your dick off if you want. But mostly, she’s very sunny.


Sasha: I’m Sasha.

Everyone always picks Sasha. Dunno why. Unfortunately, she’s booked until 2014. I’m sorry. She’s very in demand.

So anyway, there are your choices. Personally, I don’t think you can go wrong. I can personally attest to the fact that these women all have premium grade genitalia. No scarring or flappy lips of any kind. Only two of them have had children. So that’s very good.

So, who’s it gonna be?

(You think.)

Tough to decide, isn’t it? Well, take your time. No need to be hasty. Let us enjoy this port a little more.

The port is $50, by the way.