Friday, April 27, 2007

My league, my draft, my rules

From the desk of Roger Goodell, Commissioner, National Football League
To: Prospective draftees invited to Radio City Music Hall
Re: Draft day protocol and comportment

Pay attention, dicksmacks, I'm only going over this shit once. You will be in the green room at 10:00 a.m. on the dot wearing a suit and tie. A regular fucking suit. Three damn buttons, no more, no less. And none of the fruity Michael Irvin pinstripe shit-- black, navy or gray and a solid tie. Any deviation and I will suspend your ass on the spot. Calvin "Cheech" Johnson, Gaines "Chong" Adams and Amobi "Cypress Hill" Okoye: you three hop-heads need to show up an hour early for your mandatory drug test, pat-down/cavity search and appointment with Colonel Wags, the drug-sniffing police dog. No doobies will be smoked on my watch, fuck-o.

When waiting in the green room for your name to be called, you sit up straight in your chair with your hands folded in your lap. If a television camera focuses on you, smile politely and mime (but not utter) the phase "Hi, Mom." Not "Hey, ma." Not "Hello, mother." Your mom is dead and you wish to acknowledge a different loved one? No fucking way. My mother abandoned me with a family of coyotes when I was 11 weeks old. You ever sucked on a coyote's tit? I fucking doubt it. You don't see me, moping over it like some broad.

When I call your name, make a bee-line for the stage, mister. Use the steps on the stage-right (west side). Use the wrong steps and I will suspend your ass on the spot. Do not extend greetings to your teammates, homeboys, girlfriends or college coach. This is the NFL, you want to do your "shout-outs" go on 106 & Park, numbnuts.

Once on stage you walk heel to toe at a sharp clip. I see any ambling, loping, shambling, purposeful strides, trots, or struts, I will suspend your ass on the spot. Keep your eyes affixed at the dais as you approach. Do not wave to, look at, or otherwise acknowledge the live audience.

When you arrive at the dais I will extend my hand, you will shake it with two pumps… no more, no less. Under no circumstances are you to look me directly in the eye. My wife doesn't have that privilege, so why the fuck would a pissant like you? You will be handed a team hat. Immediately put it on your head. Do not bend the bill or otherwise modify your hat, as they will be collected at the end of the day so that I can return them to Champs Sports. I want to make sure they give me a cash refund and not some in-store credit bullshit.

Do not attempt to initiate any type of conversation with me. If I want to talk to you assholes, I will let you know. If I do speak to you, I will probably mention the indisputable genius of Phil Collins. If you like to keep your balls where they are, you will effusively agree with me, got that? You think Phil Collins is a musical god. Your favorite Phil Collins album is "No Jacket Required." You think Phil Collins shits strawberry ice cream. You got that straight, you pathetic pricks?

Lastly, the hospitality room will be open to all invitees until 3 p.m., feel free to help yourself to cider, punch and soft drinks, plus I've heard that the waffle bar is second to none.

Bon Appétit!

-Rog

Limit two toppings, assholes.

34 comments:

Rob I said...

Postscript: if you are drafted by the Lions, Redskins, or Cardinals, I had better not hear any groans or sighs, nor should I see any eye-rolling.

John S. said...

Since when did the three-button suit become the standard?

Unsilent Majority said...

yep, sounds about right

BeaverFever said...

Is Col. Wags, the drug sniffing police dog any relation to Wags the dancing dog from The Wiggles ? (sorry, only other parents here may get this reference).

I'm sure Goodell will also be telling the draftees to remove their ear rings.

Otto Man said...

Since when did the three-button suit become the standard?

We're talking about football players. Not a lot of them shopping at anywhere other than a Big and Tall shop, where three buttons is the minimum.

And those who don't shop at a B&T are probably down at Ringling Brothers trying to purchase excess canvass from the circus tent.

Which, come to think of it, explains the Michael Irvin Collection.

Jackin'4Beats said...

My mother abandoned me with a family of coyotes when I was 11 weeks old. You don't see me, moping over it like some broad.

Now if they'd left him with a family of lions, I might be impressed.

Coyotes < Hyenas < Lions

Someone call the Black Crusaders and tell them that they need to pull a drop squad on Stuart Scott before he embarrasses us all on national TV again.

John S. said...

otto man.

Good point. I did not think about their average height.

devang said...

Is Col. Wags, the drug sniffing police dog any relation to Wags the dancing dog from The Wiggles ?

Hey beaverfever, where do you live so I can sic one Vick's neglected dogs on you for getting the damn wags song in my head.

Captain Caveman said...

"...that's a paddlin'"

BeaverFever said...

devang, yes i probably deserve to have one of vick's or even joey porter's dogs attack me for the Wags the dog mention. However, you are not alone. I also have that f'ing song stuck in my head.

Goodell = judge, jury and executioner.

SlickBomb said...

Great work, Flub.

"Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress."

QueeferSuthrland said...

"Don't just stare at it, eat it."

QueeferSuthrland said...

And, Peter Gabriel Genesis was one of the best 10 bands ever. IMO.

Phil Collins Genesis, not so much.

David said...

See, the draft's a lot like boot camp. You follow the rules and it's hard, but at the end you get to go the waffle bar.

Only, with boot camp, replace "the waffle bar" with "get shot at."

Strawverry ice cream, was it Mr. Goodell, sir?

devang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
devang said...

The players should also be clean shaven, with no soul patch or long sideburns. Look like fucking professionals for god’s sake!! Make sure I don’t see a trace of the Omega Psi Phi brand anywhere. No one gives a shit. And Quinn, here's a few bucks, go get a John Edwards like haircut and look like a WASPish QB, instead of a flophouse frat boy. And that goes for all you kickers and punters as well. JaMarcus, don’t even open your mouth, because every time you do, some form of animal fat makes it way into your gut.

I also don't want to see any tattoos on your hand or neck or face. If you do, go straight to the back room where I’ll have a tattoo removal technician take care of it. If anyone asks you about the scars, tell them you got them while rescuing a 2 year old from a burning crackhouse in your old neighborhood.

If you have any further questions, don’t even bother showing up, as I will suspend you for the year.

golgi apparatus said...

"Hey Paul! (swings axe) TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! YOU, FUCKING BASTARD!"

Redhead said...

You know, Bateman (from American Psycho) and Goodell do seem surpringly similar. This could be an interesting draft.

Burnsy said...

There are five toppings on the waffles pictured.

flubby said...

From: Rog
To: burnsy

Fruit medley is one topping, shitstain.

becky said...

I wish you said "teet."

my favorite draft day game is "Which Player is the Most Hungover?"
one year I actually went to the pre-draft party and knew the answers ahead of time, and that took all the fun out of it.

Swede Zombie Jesus said...

Any and all jackholes with shaved heads will immediately have a wig like that Pedro mutherfucker wore glued to their scalp. You will all look like medieval warriors, and you will comprise my personal army.

Then you will all be suspended for engaging in violent activities and bringing embarrassment to the league.

Signal to Noise said...

To you fuckwads who pollute Radio City Music Hall every year in your team's gear to boo or cheer at my draft, there's something new this year. You will note the "CHEER" and "BOO" lighted signs above. The only time you are allowed to do either is when the appropriate one is lit up. We will not have you spouting uninformed opinions from the cheap seats. Sit down and shut the fuck up.

Any Lions fans with "Fire Millen" signs will be taken out back, maimed and shot. The Rog will not hesitate to choke a bitch.

The Hoosier Loser said...

Oh, Roger. Not quite blonde, are we? More of a dirty blonde.

J.L. White said...

Rogell Goodell actually murdered Paul Tagliabue to become commissioner. Rog tried to confess his crimes to Gene Upshaw, but no one seeme eager to acknowledge the dirty truth. He'll now take his unquenched anger out on the NFL players, instead.

Chris said...

"You mess with the bull, you get the horns."

Ted Valentine said...

Even I just sat up a little straighter in my chair.

Crapass said...

Nice usage of the 106 & Park reference, flub.

I would be utterly appaled if The Rog knew what the fuck 106 & Park was.

the butler said...

Nice work flub.

Anyone else hear about Jared Allen, the latest casualty of the Goodell regime?

Might miss 1/2 the season.

Red Dear said...

"Dan, it's Goodell, Rodger Goodel. You're my the guy who helped get me this job so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. Some wide receiver from Cincinnati in the apartment uptown uh, some unsigned free agents maybe 5 or 10 um an NY Jet I met in Central Park. I left him in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some quarterback with a dog last week. I killed Pac-Man Jones with a chainsaw, I had to, he almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe another Vick, but he's dead too. And Paul Tagliabue. I killed Paul Tagliabue with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the players have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, meet me at Harry's Bar, so you know, keep your eyes open."

Stephen Douglas said...

Just fucking hilarious. That is all.

Randy said...

If he wants a Phil Collins fan And a suit enthusiast, maybe he should hire Patrick Bateman.

TVBrain said...

'Yo Commish, what's a dais?"

TheNaturalMevs said...

Great post flubbles. That is really good shit.