Monday, April 9, 2007

Pink Dogwood : Augusta : : Witch's Tit : the NFL

The Masters is the most poetic four days on the sports calendar (yeah it's a sport, get over it). Every year the tournament offers up the sweet smells and dulcet tones of spring, and that's just Jim Nantz (he bathes in rosewater). The rich history oozes out of Augusta in the form of the names given to the different landmarks ranging from Rae's Creek to Simon Legree's Bench Eisenhower's Tree, even the individual holes are named for the flowers that grace the hallowed grounds. Those all-male clubs sure know how to exude masculinity!

The first Masters.

So why can't the NFL get in on the fun? As Uncle Shlomo has taught us, nicknames make everything better. Considering the modern trend of selling stadium naming rights to some piece of shit corporation nobody needs a good pseudonym like an NFL stadium. Here are a few ideas to get things started (note: some stadiums already have nicknames but they invariably suck).

Lambeau Field- "The Frozen Tundra" had a nice run thanks to the greatness of NFL Films but it's due for an update. I'm thinking Witch's Tit, it's cold as a bitch and Bill Simmons could suckle at it all day.

University of Phoenix Stadium- I know what you're thinking, it rolls off the tongue like a proposition from Matt Leinart. With the "Pink Taco" idea is already off the board we have to go to the next best option. So we've got a giant futuristic building that's been erected in the middle of the Arizona desert. I give you, Bio-Dome.

Hubert Humphrey Metrodome- The original Triple H still means a lot to the people of Minnesota and I just don't get it. If he was such an advocate of civil rights then what's with the roof design? I dub thee Fuhrer's Flower.

FedEx Field- The biggest stadium in the league belongs to one of the league's most diminutive owners. From here on out it should be known as Overcompensation.

McAfee Colesium- I love the idea of the dirtiest fans in America occupying in a building named for a virus blocker. So all you residents of the Black Hole have a new home, Quarantine. It's just what I'd like to do with all the country's Raider fans. You just know they're contagious.

Heinz Field- They call it the "Ketchup Bottle" because there's a big ketchup bottle on one of the scoreboards. Real creative you fuckin' yinzers! I prefer Mustard Gas, if you don't understand just grab a bright yellow seat behind a fat guy eating a Roethlisberger.

M&T Bank Stadium- I've always called it Grimace because it's big, purple, and totally gay. It's also named for the face I make whenever I'm within smelling distance of Baltimore.

Giants Stadium- This one's easy, the place is a fucking dump. I give you, Compost.

Feel free to add your own in the comments.

25 comments:

rock & rye said...

Ford Field:
The Junkyard, where players and coaches come to break down and die

Burnsy said...

Dolphins Stadium = Flaming Bag of Poo

liquid_d said...

Mile High will now be called the Gallery; it is full of choke artists.

Otto Man said...

In honor of the Eagles fans, I think we should christen Lincoln Field "the Vibrator." It's full of D-cell batteries and opposing players will get fucked by them.

devang said...

Buffalo - Prozac Field

Wormfather said...

Foxbourough will go from The Razor to the Brazier

With all those manboobs, it just makes sense.

Vanilla said...

FedEx Field - Overcompensation

I think this is the name of their top secret free agency strategy. To avoid confusion we should just call it "Small Penis Stadium".

Ruthless Gravity said...

FedEx Field - Overcompensation

Blasphemy

Southpaw said...

H.H.H. Metrodome- aka my favorite place to puke and rally

McFad said...

Cleveland Browns Stadium- The Toilet Bowl..Where talent young and old goes down the shitter

devang said...

Cleveland - The Toilet Bowl.

Corrected.

Wormfather said...

@Devang...ummmm, maybe, no, not maybe, fa sha, I'm an iddiot. What was corrected?

Ted Valentine said...

LP Field (Titans) - Ghost Den. Its where you go when Pac-Man kills you.

Ted Valentine said...

Georgia Dome (Falcons): Freaknic - Explaination not necessary

Jez said...

@wormfather -

He said CLEVELAND was a toilet bowl, not JUST the stadium.

Call me when they decide to play a baseball game there. Fuckin' pussies.

Mike said...

Yankee Stadium: The Baseball Press Sucks Derek Jeter's Cock Field.

(I know it's not subtle; then again, neither is the baseball press when it comes to fellating Jee-tuh.)

WV: fellf

DrDoom said...

arizona stadium: the thing that we think it is (too obvious/ not funny?)
soldier field: sex cannon field.
rca dome: peyton's love hut.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

Qwest Field - since it's always fucking raining in Seattle, how about "The Moist Rug."

Monster Park - Pussy-ass fans. Soft team as of late. New field called, Merlot and Brie Stadium.

unchecked agression said...

cincinnatti - from Paul Brown Stadium to "The Halfway House"

Ken Dynamo said...

RFK - "The Cock Ring"

Ken Dynamo said...

Busch Stadium - "The Fat Fuck Fart Factory"

Where all the fans are fat farting fucks.

Signal to Noise said...

The Gallery is inspired, liquid_d, but I've always been partial to calling that piece of crap Invesco Field "the Diaphragm" -- the top looks like one of those "female condoms" they showed you in health class.

God Hates Raiders Fans said...

Hey dont pick on us raider fans ok...pick on my team all you want. You make me angry and I'll start rooting for your team just so I can point and laugh at how much they start sucking.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'm a Skins fan, it's a bit late for that now isn't it!

JoSCh said...

When did Gregg Easterbrook start writing here? Did he back Imus?