Monday, April 2, 2007

Film Study Knows No Offseason


So by now you've heard that Joe Theismann, a close colleague and personal friend of mine, has been relieved of his assignment with Monday Night Football. You've also heard that I, Ronnie Jaws, will be assuming that role come next fall. I feel that Joe did an admirable job with that telecast, but I believe they wanted to go a different direction with me, because I watch more film than anyone.

Many insiders, including some at this network, are convinced that Brady Quinn is the best can't-miss prospect in this year's draft. As a former quarterback, two things leave me skeptical about the former Heisman Trophy candidate. I've done extensive video study on Quinn and learned all 31 of his deplorable tendencies. First, Quinn's experience in Charlie Weis' pro-style offense is offset by the fact that most of his success came against Caucasian defensive backfields. Also, lucious brown locks and rock-solid abs do not a quarterback make in this league. Baby Dreamboat will quickly learn that the NFL doesn't let the pretty boys to the front of the velvet rope. The game film doesn't lie, it is physically incapable of doing so.

As for the quarterbacks already in the league, the Cleveland Browns are taking a good look at Trent Green to be their signal-caller for 2007. Watching tape on Green from 2006 was like watching Steel Magnolias with the sound off with the remote up my ass, with the buttons facing the floor. Green was great at getting knocked out in Week 1 and little else. If the Browns reach a deal with Green, they should expect to get their asses OWNED, by my awesome notes from the film room and my limber anus.

Dana Jacobson is taking some personal time in the coming weeks. This is the point in the schedule where everyone, Ronnie Jaws included, has to bring the intensity up a notch. I will disguise myself as her comely Honduran servant, the one responsible for ironing the crotch seams in her pantsuits and stocking her refrigerator with fresh yogurt. In this capacity, I'll be studying her tendencies, looking for a pattern and a means to exploit her weaknesses in the passing game and at the buffet table. And when the time is right, I will pounce upon my prey like a drag queen onto a free sample of AZT.

As for Indianapolis and their quest for a...What's that? Peyton Manning was on Saturday Night Live? No, I don't think I caught that.

14 comments:

devang said...

my limber anus..

Wow. Just wow. Good thing I wasn't eating my lunch yet.

m8r said...

All announcers are screwed, they have to talk for so long they have to sound like asses often enough that we will make fun of almost every one. I want to meet Joey T and say "Man I loved you in American Gladiators" now that it's on ESPN Classic.

www.amblersports.blogspot.com

Otto Man said...

As a Chiefs fan, I'm worried that the Browns will steal Trent Green from us. And as a Chiefs fan, I'm worried they won't. It's win-win!

Burnsy said...

As a Dolphins fan, I don't even think a 7th round pick is stealing him. We pray that Cleveland gets him.

save the steagles said...

Jaws loves himself some white quarterbacks; he is all over Quinn.

devang said...

Jaws loves himself some white quarterbacks; he is all over Quinn.

Steagles, he might have to fight Mike Golic for that man love. As nOrman Einstein postulated, we all know that DEs are much bigger than QBs.

denvergodfather said...

Why all the hate for Green. Didn't you Chiefs fans love him before he got his head crushed?

Ryan said...

Watching tape on Green from 2006 was like watching Steel Magnolias with the sound off with the remote up my ass, with the buttons facing the floor.

That came out of nowhere.

Jez said...

Can anyone elaborate the buttons facing the floor versus any other way? Am I missing something?

Otto Man said...

Didn't you Chiefs fans love him before he got his head crushed?

Not really. My heart will always belong to Elvis Grbac.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Don't you mean you'll be stocking Dana Jacobson's refrigerator with sugar cubes and carrots?

Signal to Noise said...

Wow, that's my Dana Jacobson fantasy too. Who knew?

Awful Chief said...

Brady Quinn's quarterbacking can be described as "strongly vaginal" --more so than Dana Jacobson's voice. This bothers some men.

LButler36 said...

buttons facing up = Trent Dilfer