Monday, April 30, 2007

Brady Quinn’s Inner Torment On Saturday


Man, my hair looks great. I mean, I think it looks really good. I used some product, but not a lot. I really worked it into the ends. Gives it a nice sheen. It looks playful, yet serious all at once. I think teams will get a really good message from this hair. I’m a matinee idol, but I’m also one of the guys. And that’s important. God, what a great day. I can’t wait to be a Raider. I’ve always wanted to turn a franchise around. I wonder if Jerry Porter likes to play Ultimate. I bet we could really connect if we played some Ultimate together.

With the first pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select JaMarcus Russell.

What? Oh, man. Oh, that is their loss, man. I mean, Condon told me they were planning on taking that guy, but I didn’t actually BELIEVE him. But I guess it makes sense. Everyone in Oakland is black, so they needed a black QB. I get that. That’s a very progressive attitude, and I support it. God, my hair looks great. I wish I had remembered my concealer today. I wonder if Mr. Davis noticed the blemishes. I thought they gave me a really rugged sort of look. I should have brought my concealer. Shit. Oh well, guess I’m headed to Detroit.

With the second pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select Calvin Johnson.

Oh, man. Really? No, no. That’s okay. I understand that. They have Jon Kitna already, and he’s a good Christian. I guess I’m going to Cleveland. Man, they’re gonna go crazy for my bear… uh, girlfriend in Cleveland. No one in Cleveland is this blonde. Man, she is BLONDE. Guys like blondes, right? Am I right on that? I made sure she dyed it SUPER blonde. God, she’s almost like an albino. That’s a good look. Very Finnish. Man, my hair looks good. Hello, Cleveland! Hello, Cleveland!

With the third pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Joe Thomas.

Hello? Cleveland? Man, what’s happening? Is it the Virginia Tech pin? Was that too transparent? God, my hair looks so good. Kyan Douglas did it himself. I don’t get this. Joe Thomas doesn’t have great hair. He’s not even here! He’s fishing!

Oh God, that’s it! He went fishing! That’s, like, what guys do! Oh man, he’s so smart! By, like, saying he wasn’t interested in going to the draft, that made him look tough. I totally should have skipped the draft to get my legs waxed. Or go hunting. Definitely go hunting. That’s the right move. Uh oh, here comes Suzy Kolber. Okay, act dignified. You’re going into broadcasting 15 years from now, Quinn. Get your polish down now!

Okay, that went well. Maybe Tampa will take me.

With the fourth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Tampa Bay Bucs select Gaines Adams.

Maybe not. Maybe the Redskins will. If anyone knows star power, it’s Mr. Snyder. I had dinner with him twice. I had the miso-glazed cod. I think it went really well.

With the sixth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins select LaRon Landry.

I should have ordered the porterhouse.

With the seventh pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select Adrian Peterson.

It’s the hair. I think the hair has scared people off. I think it looks TOO good. Like, if my hair looks this good, then maybe it would foster resentment in the locker room? But it looks GREAT!

Shit, you know what it is? It’s the vest. I had the vest sized one size too small. I really thought it look more manly if I were just bursting right out of it. That was an error. God, how could I have been so dumb? Clearly, I should have worn a jacket. The brown silk on the back is exposed! It’s not supposed to be exposed! Gah!

Okay Brades, just settle down. It’s clear now. We’re going to Miami. This is good. It’s a great organization. And Miami is a perfect fit! The whole scene down on South Beach is really faboo. Okay, I’m excited. So I lost a little money. People in Miami will understand this hair, and what it’s all about. I feel good. I’m gonna try and smile now, even though I can usually only manage a half-smirk, just like every lacrosse player ever born. All right, sunny Miami! Here I come!

With the ninth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select…

Yes?

Ted Gi…

I can’t see. I think I’m blind. Is this really happening? Can I get a Dasani? I think I’m having a hot flash. Oh God, here comes Suzy again. Oh, God. Man, she’s got the same look on her face that she gets when someone’s been carted off the field wearing a halo. I can’t face her… I have to get away… I have to… I have to… GO DANCING.

(leaves, goes dancing)

God, that felt great. Sometimes, you just have to go dance. It’s so freeing. Where are we now?

The New York Jets have made a trade.

Oooooh! Delicious! The Big Apple. Nice. Brades, I think you and I are gonna be just fine. I think I’ll live in DUMBO. That’s a very in neighborhood right now. John Norris from MTV lives there, I think.

With the fourteenth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select…

Hoo boy, here we go!

…Darrelle Revis.

Who the fuck is that? No, I’m NOT fine, thank you. I am now officially PISSED OFF. Okay? I did everything right except beat ranked opponents. Look at my hair! I didn’t get this hair styled just to be a second rounder! Ridiculous. Nobody else coordinated like I did, god dammit. I want some resolution here.

(phone rings)

Condon? Hey, ‘sup. What? The Ravens want to trade up for me? Really? You know what? That’s perfect. And you know why? Because none of this would have happened if those fucking Browns had just picked me. Fuckers. Fuck Cleveland. There. I said it. Fuck ‘em. They don’t rock SHIT. You don’t deserve this hair, Cleveland. You’re just Columbus on a fucking lake. Okay? Look at me! I’m showing some fire! I’m a competitor, God dammit! And now I get to go to the Ravens and torture you Clevelanders for the rest of your fucking existence. The irony is a delight. You’ll pay, Cleveland. Brades is gonna haunt you.

The Cleveland Browns have made a trade.

Pfft. Whatever. They probably traded up to draft a tater tot or some other inanimate object. Fuck you Cleveland.

With the twenty-second pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Brady Quinn.

Oh. Uh, goodie. Um… I love Cleveland! I really do! Always have! I’m really excited. No, I really am. Joe Thomas. Dennis Northcutt. It’s great. How my hair? Is it okay? I hope this hat doesn't ruin it.

59 comments:

Otto Man said...

I hope you're going to give his hair equal time for a rebuttal.

SlickBomb said...

You're right. His hair did look fabulous. Maybe it's just my Parkinson's talking, but I thought Quinn's girl looked hot.

liquid_d said...

I loved that for 5 hrs, all we saw was "Kipers best available : 1 Brady Quinn" Good call Mel, you bloated douche.

golgi apparatus said...

to be honest, i think brady would have committed seppuku if he was picked by the ravens. i think troy smith feels the same way.

Burnsy said...

The albino had a really pointy nose. I guess that's good for water displacement for all the tears when Brady was beating her Saturday night.

Bad Becks said...

Seriously, what are the odds that skank is dropped as soon as Cleveland gets another Playmate in town? Shit, Tim Couch...even fucking Garcia managed to pull that off.

That or a metro-sexual turf war with Grady Sizemore is looming on our horizons.

BeaverFever said...

is dennis northcut even on the browns anymore ? didn't he leave for j'ville.

quinn's girlfriend is hot. hard to feel sorry for a guy that will still make $30 mil, with $10 mil guaranteed. not to mention no student loans hanging over his head. f' him and his hair.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Long live the next king of the NFL: Brady Quinn. Cleveland is cursed no longer.

mmmm beefy said...

Brady needs to learn a lesson from Tim Tebow and get a girl like the one he's got. She has some damn fine breasts

SlickBomb said...

@ mmmm beefy: Just in case anyone is wondering what he's talking about.

http://thebiglead.com/?p=2143

Yow.

Vanilla said...

I actually didn't notice that he had slipped down the draft because every time they showed him I was just trying to get my hair to mimic his. Alas, I am no Brady Quin.

Proinsias Cassidy said...

Finally, a a picture next to the definition Cleveland Steamer.

After Miami passed on him, my buddy Terry said he should just take that little blonde to the bathroom and eff the shit out of her, since it was going to be awhile...

DrDoom said...

its gotta be the hair,

oh and no shot at his sister, im dissapointed drew.

Well done sir, well done


oh and doing the girl costs an extra 200 bucks (or so im told)

save the steagles said...

Lindy's had her claws in Brady since high school. You could tell how pissed she was getting as her investment plummeted. I hope he trades her in, but I can't imagine him finding an upgrade in Cleveland.

Ed in Westchester said...

She seemed to move further and further away from him as the wait went on. Early on it was all "he's gonna be rich, cool". After Miami passed, she was close, but the next few shots, she could have been in siberia.

Peter McSheisty said...

TheNaturalMevs said...

An american tragedy occurs two days ago, and here you are. Your little versions of humor don't miss a beat, do they? Ever just feel like a moment of silence? Jesus. Not a mention, not a post, nothing for VT and the lives they lost and the families. Just more 'cock jokes' and an ad for some G strings you made for lame-o's to buy. Even your idol Deadspin did something dedicated to VT, but not you guys. You're too cool for that. So much egg on your face you could make a couple omelets. You are the joke. Chastize me if you'd like, but I think I'm right on. Way to go fellas. You're whats wrong with America today.

9:40 PM, April 18, 2007

Apparently thenaturalmevs has stepped off his fucking soap box and got over his mourning enough to come back to "whats wrong with america" and comment. So "cock jokes" are acceptable now but not two weeks ago? Just checking because thenaturalmevs has the moral authority to tell me how I need to deal with tragedy and national loss. Excuse me for one second,

YOU HYPOCRITICAL, SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCKING DOUCHE. KILL YOURSELF!!!!!

The "cock jokes" may now continue.

Crapass said...

John Norris from MTV lives there, I think.

I did not know that. I learned something today.

The Young Nucleus said...

Is it wrong that I imagine Brady Quinn would enjoy hanging out with A-Rod? No? Cool.

Thank god for Big Daddy Drew.

P.S. Can we get an "Offseason Adventures of Michael Vick" focusing on his meeting with Goodell on Saturday? Holy shit, that would be amazing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to Emmanuelle Chriqui and Catherine Zeta-Jones (hooray draft!).

Redhead said...

I say between his hair (and don't fool yourselves guys, it looked awful), his teen-style acne, and his precipitous fall through the first round, Quinn's lucky his girl didn't walk out on him during the interview he gave after Miami passed on him.

Wormfather said...

I swear watching his smug face for five hours on my HDTV was the most heartwarming experience ever. Yeah, you're gonna be a multi millionair in a bit, but for now you sit and suffer you talentless fudgepacker.

lieutenant winslow said...

Brady Quinn's hair couldn't handle SouthBeach. Cleveland is more his speed.

tecmo_bowl_bo_jackson said...

brady quinn was surprised that the dolphins didnt take him. i was surprised that brady quinn took a chick instead of a dude to the draft.

isnt he like banging aj hawk or something?

LadyAndrea said...

beaverfever, his girlfriend is NOT hot. Blech.

Hilarious, BDD.

BeaverFever said...

hey, i thought she was hot. when you are my age and married what was once maybe not that hot all of a sudden becomes hot.

BeaverFever said...

speaking of being married, while watching the draft my wife saw the picture of quinn wearing the browns uniform and helmet when he was 7 yrs old or whatever.

when i told her the browns drafted him, she asked if they took him because of the picture of him dressed in the browns gear. She is a great wife and mom, not so good of a draft analyst.

Christmas Ape said...

Week 1:

Pittsburgh at Cleveland.

As you can tell, I'm pleased about this turn of events.

Unsilent Majority said...

I hope Cleveland goes 16-0. Fuck Dallas.

Grimey said...

By the way, be prepared to see that picture of 4-year-old Brady Quinn for the next fifteen years. The networks will get some crazy mileage out of that photo.

Smello said...

Forget the saga of Quinn, I'm still trying to figure out if I'm pregnant from being in the same room as the Cumslinger. Granted I was in the 3rd tier, but the Cannon has range.

Awful Chief said...

I’m gonna try and smile now, even though I can usually only manage a half-smirk, just like every lacrosse player ever born.

In a draft of great sentences from BDD posts, this would be a value pick at #1.

Sanchez said...

*sigh* I appear to be the only Phin fan on earth to be totally fine about passing on Quinn.

Slash said...

Fucking hilarious. I agree with whoever said it above, I don't think his hair is good enough for him to be fully gay, I think he's just bi-curious. I don't know about his girlfriend, no idea what she looks like. I'm guessing she's blonde and pale.

Signal to Noise said...

@slash: here's a photo of dear Lindy Slinger.

Hot in the photo, was not hot at the draft.

As for everyone's favorite gay QB not named Garcia, let's just say that this was a very nice karmic bitch slap after all that pining and claiming that he deserved to go #1.

Nice job Drew.

TheStarterWife said...

Hey Christmas Ape - Last time you got really excited about a Steelers-v-loser game, (last season and your circling of the Steelers-Raiders game on the calender), we lost. Stop jinxing these things!

"half-smirk, just like every lacrosse player ever born."

Hot. So hot.

BeaverFever said...

so b. quinn's girlfriend's last name is slinger. there has to be a joke in there somewhere. any thoughts ?

Christmas Ape said...

*circles thestarterwife's profile link over and over*

Beware.

Beeeewwwwwaaarrrrreee.

miamidiesel said...

Lindy Slinger ain't got shit on Eli Manning's fiancee Abby McGrew (all the way on the left), who plays for my team after our draft... Hooray Draft!

@save the steagles: +1 for the shot at Cleveland... i agree, slim pickings out there

@peter mcsheisty: +million for defending cock jokes and calling out douche bags

Jackin'4Beats said...

Watched the draft and loved that Quinn went #22 to Cleveland. He deserves to be near home in Columbus where everyone will just feel sorry for him instead of merlilessly booing his ass for sucking to high heaven. Where's Clint now with his "analysis" of the draft?

Oh, apparently the well mammaried hottie in that picture of Tebow is not his girlfriend, although I know he wishes it was. Scroll down to comments #4-5.

UM, why so much venom towards Dallas? I thought you were a Redskins fan - cheering for the Bowns to go 16-0 is sacriligious. Wait until the Hogettes hear about this. Oh and the D+ grade the Redskins got for the draft is probably right.

Quinn's "girlfriend" looked like he picked her up coming through the Holland Tunnel that morning. Can you say skanktaculous?

BeaverFever said...

if you've driven through the holland tunnell and see wait awaits on the other side of it you can appreciate the greatness of jackin'4beats crack on quinn's girlfriend.

Unsilent Majority said...

The Cowboys have Cleveland's first rounder next year. They better they do the worse of Dallas will be.

SlickBomb said...

@ Jakin'4beats:

One anonymous posting on a blog doth not a denial make. That girl has a phenomenal set of cans, which is the most important thing here.

mmmm beefy said...

I agree that i really doesn't matter who she is. I think we all can agree that we would much rather have seen her on tv for 5 hours than the slinger that was with Brady

Signal to Noise said...

@beaverfever: Rex Grossman is interested in seeing if he can steal Ms. Slinger away and marry her, then change his last name.

Jackin'4Beats said...

UM - yes, you are right about that draft choice Dallas swindled from Cleveland. I can finally say that Jerry Jones outsmarted someone.

Here's a toast to Cleveland for going 2-14, getting Romeo fired, getting Quinn into the mix 2 seasons too early, forever killing his confidence and getting the Cowboys a lottery pick next season. Whoo Hoo!

slickbomb - I agree about those cans 100%. She should have been sitting next to Quinn, er me at the draft instead of trying to be a DOCTOR or some shit @ UF.

Chris said...

I am the only who thought this post should have earned a kill,kill,kill tag?

Otto Man said...

Good point, Chris. Maybe the gay mafia decided that the public death he suffered on Saturday meant he couldn't be killed again.

Jesse said...

@jackin'4beats & beaverfever:

It's just like the old saying goes... Jersey girls ain't trash.
Trash gets picked up.

Is anyone else enjoying the possible rivalry between Rexy and G-Reg from the 7th Floor Crew?

AdamAnt said...

A soccer mom fight to the death is looming between the veteran Gradys' Ladies and the rookie Bradys Ladies.

He could always knock up a Cavs girl for an upgrade.

Walklett said...

Brades. That shit is hilarious. What a bone smuggler.

I got a good chuckle from the tater tot line. Thanks.

Slash said...

RE photo of the girlfriend: thanks. She does look a little trashy, kind of like a pregnant cheerleader. In that picture, anyway. Who wants their girlfriend at the draft, anyway? A wife, maybe (maybe), but a girlfriend? That's just stupid.

devang said...

God, my hair looks so good. Sanjaya Malakar did it himself.

fixed

the butler said...

I've been waiting all weekend for this. Thank you.

"They don't rock SHIT!"

-comes in at #2 in awful chief's sentence draft.

Iain said...

@ Snachez: You are NOT alone.

Tracer Bullet said...

Yeah, you can laugh now, muthafucka. But BDD don't pretend your nutsack wasn't hiding somewhere behind your sternum when the Vikings were on the clock and Quinn was still there.

swing4 said...

I went to high school with many a cocksure Main Line LAX player, most of whom sported the same overgrown haircut as Brady at the draft. And, while nothing screams "I have an inflated sense of self worth as a result of being a baselessly adored big fish in a minuscule and insular pond" quite like that coif, I'm not sure the hair was his ultimate downfall.

He should really be blaming that ugly fucking tie.

Drizztdj said...

I was praying to seven different deities when the Vikes were on the clock.

Peterson shall provide.

bobbybeingmanny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bobbybeingmanny said...

Drew,

Are you secretly becoming Bill Simmons? Let's write 1100 words on how much the Yankees, Colts, Peyton Manning, Isiah Thomas, Doc Rivers...er Brady Quinn sucks and then bitch later about how no one cares about him. If you didn't care about the gay QB, why write about him? Oh wait, that's what Bill Simmons does.

I thought you were better than that.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Drew's not better than that. He really does suck.