ESPN's Director of NFL Programming Addresses the On-Screen Talent

Hey guys, thanks for making it out. I know you're all busy, and -- what the fuck are you doing here, Ley? Don't you have an Outside the Lines or the 4:00 a.m. SportsCenter to tape? This meeting is for NFL personnel ONLY. Beat it!

[waits]

[under breath] Douchebag!

Okay, sorry about that. Anyway, as we're ramping up for our non-stop draft coverage, I wanted to go over some changes in network policy that have been made to correct some stuff we've had problems with in the past.

To be specific, I'm talking about Sean's little incident. No, not the photo of the "Salisbury Steak." The Jew thing. Listen, everyone knows it was just a slip of the tongue, but we're going to try to eliminate the possibility for that to happen again. That's why I'm going over the revised list of banned words. We don't want to piss off the Jews again -- they control the media, right? I kid, I kid. I really shouldn't make that joke, even if that Jew bastard Eisner is gone.

What are you looking at me that way for? I said "chew bastard," ha ha.

Anyway, here are the words you can no longer use on air:

Section A: Jews

1. "Chew" -- This one's obvious, but we gotta make it official. Don't say "chews up yardage," say "eats up yardage." Or "masticates." If it helps, think back to the holiday party when Berman ate two yards of that super long-ass deli sandwich. Oh, just kidding, Chris. We all know you only ate four feet of it.

2. "Choose" -- Same reason. Instead, say "select."

3. "Shoe" and "shoes" -- Since we're talking about the NFL, say "cleats." If you talk about a player's shoes off the field, use "sneakers." If you're black and hosting SportsCenter, you may call them "kicks."

4. "Juice" -- We're still working on this one. Stick with "sports drink" or "OJ" for now. If you get nervous, just call it "Gatorade." Don't worry about it being incorrect -- worry about the backlash from the goddam Chosen People if that "S" sound comes out as a Z.

Other: Address Mel only as "Mel" or the full "Mel Kiper Jr." I've heard some of you call him "Kipe" around the studio, and that could go REALLY wrong... when talking about our departed experts Joe Theismann and Michael Irvin, we prefer that you call them "asses." Trying to tone it down by saying "heinie" could backfire... I'm SO glad we didn't hire Shannon Sharpe -- he always says "heeb" instead of "he's"...

Section B: African-Americans

1. "Cone" -- Thank God the NFL uses pylons.

2. "Niggling" -- To my knowledge, this has never been used on air, but I'm pretty sure we'd get complaints. What's that? Yes, go ahead, Mr. Schlereth...

No, that's not a dumb question. Niggling means trivial or inconsequential... Yes, like John Clayton. But now that you know a new word, don't go using it on-air.

3. "Niggardly" -- This is another one we can't -- yes, Mark?... Another good question. A niggard is someone who's reluctant to give or spend... ha, ha! Yes, like the Jews! Good one, Boomer. Wait, aren't YOU Jewish? Stop being such an Uncle Shlomo.

Anyway, we've had some fun with this one, but don't EVER call a Jew a niggard on the air. Holy hell that would be the worst situation imaginable.

Section C: Asians

1. "Chap" -- The Japanese are a proud people with a heritage of dignity, and the term used throughout World War II is extremely derogatory. And it's even worse when you call a non-Japanese Asian a -- ahem -- "chap." I tell ya, those... "kooks" can be really thin-skinned.

2. Yeah, "kooks" is on the list too.

3. "Glucose"

4. "Slopes" -- We got some complaints during last year's draft when we discussed Jeremy Bloom's skiing career.

Other: If you interview Scott Fujita, and he's wearing a hat, do NOT make the mistake of calling it a "chapeau."

Section D: Hispanics

1. "Spic and span" -- If it's clean, just say it's "clean." Don't try to dress it up.

2. "Carabiner" -- I'm pretty sure there aren't any rock-climbing enthusiasts in the NFL, so we should be good here.

Other: If a steady rain has created a sodden end zone, do NOT say that it's "really wet back there."

Section E: Caucasians

1. "Honking" -- This especially goes for any description of post-game traffic in Jacksonville.

2. "Firecracker" -- People might think you want Bill Simmons to resign. If Page 2 loses him, the dot-com is royally fucked.

3. "Sauerkraut" -- Don't want people to think that's two words, you know? Say that in the same sentence you're talking about some Boxhead Fritz, and you'll never hear the end of it.

Other: Do not refer to any team's star player as "the Man"... Boomer, we love you, but no more yelling "WOP!" when a player makes a great juke... Italian-Americans get their greasy ire up when you say that a "day goes by"...

Section F: Other Ethnicities

1. Out of respect to our Arab fanbase, we ask that you not say that any defense looks "ragged" at the end of the game.

2. Likewise, for our Filipino fans, we can no longer use the term "coin flip." Please, use "coin toss" instead.

3. Just to play it safe, the team from Washington, D.C. should be called the "Native Americans."

...Phew. Okay, I hope that clears things up. I'll have that foxy blonde Nancy from personnel circulate a copy of this. Be sure to squeeze her ass when she stops by your office. I swear that thing is made out of titanium.

Questions?