Monday, April 30, 2007

SlickBomb's NFL Draft Report, Part 1

None of us at KSK were able to attend this weekend's draft. But longtime Deadspin commenter SlickBomb had the testicular fortitude to get up at o'dark thirty to go wait in line at 5AM for the draft. Here, he provides us with a photo diary/KSK merchandise infomercial. Big thanks to SlickBomb for this. Judging by some of the photos, he may have Parkinson's Disease. We wish him a speedy recovery.

Who is that gangly cracka?

I got up at 3:00 in the morning the day of the draft. It took me an hour to get all my shit together, and get to the 1 train from the Upper East Side. Because some delays with the train, I got to Radio City Music hall at 5:00 on the button, and the line was already three blocks long and seven people deep. Give credit RE: ESPN/NFL hype machine. According to the guys waiting on line with me, the line had never been that bad before.

In front of me.

In back of me after about 15 minutes.

I don't remember when the gates opened up to take tickets. But I'd say it was about a 2-3 hour wait from where I was standing. It was light out by the time I arrived at the window, and I was one of the last people able to get tickets. All those people waiting behind me for three hours? Access denied. Early bird catches the worm, bitches. Better luck next year, and good luck getting those three hours of your life back.

As a consolation, the NFL set up an NFL fan-fest just next to the Time-Life Building about three blocks away, and invited fans to participate. "Fan-fests" at events like these basically mean "ridiculous amounts of product placement." When the thing wasn't even set up yet, I was able to get some pictures before it started to swarm with tired, pissed off fans.

The front of an inflatable obstacle course, which was for allowing for fat Bills fans to bounce around as fast as they can, leading I'm sure to considerable hilarity.


The back of the Sprint NFL-mobile truck. They were setting it up when I first arrived, but I asked if some other fans and I could get a sneak preview. Inside there was a mini highlight reel of plays filmed throughout the NFL season. Conspicuously absent? Marty's yearly choke job, Chad Johnson's end-zone antics, Randy Moss mailing it two games after the season, and Shawne Merriman doing his needle dance. Visitors even got to call an NFL play that was recorded and is presumably now on the Sprint Mobile website, although I didn't check. If you want to hear me, search for William X, as I chose not to use my slave name.

Sprint guy rockin' the KSK merch.
A full-scale model of Rex Grossman's testicle, designed by Rex.
Did you know Hummer sponsored the draft? True story. It's funny, because I really couldn't tell.

This was a tent that would later give out free copies of the ESPN draft magazine which ended up, predictably, being often very wrong. On the right, you can see actual real journalists doing the exact same thing I'm doing, but with better equipment, nicer clothes, and infinite times more money! +1 to anyone who recognizes him.

I also nabbed a few of these things at fan fest. When I saw this, I thought it was a 25 dollar gift card at Burger King. I took like 10. I was looting that booth like it post-Katrina N'awlins. As it turns out, though, it just might be 25 dollars—you have to go onto the website to be sure. Seriously not cool.

Coming up: Part 2, where NFL fans frighten and sadden us.

22 comments:

Burnsy said...

Old ugly people who throw up the shocker take the fun out of it for good looking young people who actually use it.

Otto Man said...

I don't think he has Parkinson's. From my own experience, Manhattan always looks like that at 3AM on a Saturday morning. All blurry and spinny and vomity.

Smello said...

My favorite part - us being made to line up around 6th Avenue onto 51st Street and then being forced to SPRINT around the block to get into the "real" line that went east along 50th street. It was a literal free for all. I do not enjoy sprinting in general. I like it less at 5:00am.

BeaverFever said...

was the creepy burger king there ?

also, who else wanted to reach through the screen and punch berman everytime an ivy league player, past or present, was mentioned ?

word verification: wbyefag

is this thing talking shit to me ?

Wormfather said...

@Beaverfever...

Yep, the Burger King was there...and Cleveland drafted him

Peter McSheisty said...

That guy throwin up the Shocker looks pretty young. Id say he is only a couple years out of high school. Also, my experience is girls dont really like the shocker unless they know that my finger is going in their ass ahead of time, which goes against the whole premise of the "shocker". Maybe it should be called the "Im going to try to slip a finger in your butt so, please do not become enraged and demand that I leave". Doesnt quite flow off the tongue but it wont leave me with blue balls.

devang said...

Was it me or was anyone afraid the Mel Kiper was going to have a aneuyrism or a coronary after Miami passed on Quinn? We were switching back and forth between the WWL and the NFL network for coverage and almost missed Kiper practically killing Cam Cameron.

The NFL network's version of Kiper (Mitch Mayock, I think is his name) sounds funny.

Awful Chief said...

I knew I needed to get my own place when my roommate refused to take his novelty giant foam shocker down from the mantle when I would bring a girl home. "If she doesn't appreciate the shocker, she's not the right kind of girl anyway!"

Did you sneak in a flask or anything else to help keep your mind limber?

Andrew (JUhS) said...

The media dude looks like Fassel.

Unsilent Majority said...

camelpack?

Burnsy said...

Devang, as a Fins fan, I didn't know if I was angrier that Miami picked Ginn (I didn't want Quinn either) or because Kiper seriously seemed angrier than me. If I was paid big money to make predictions and I only got like 5 right per year, I wouldn't get angry. I'd start looking for a new job.

devang said...

@burnsy

Wow, that's a lot of anger right there.

I absolutely concur with you. Who's going to throw to Ginn?

devang said...

the picture is too pixellated to identify said interloper. Not a PS guru like 289

SlickBomb said...

@ UM: Unfortunately, no. No outside drinks, and that includes camelbaks. I was also carrying a lot of heavy video equipment, AND a bag of schwag.

Freebies! I mean freebies, pothead.

Jesse said...

Here's where the NFL sucks on this: if you get there at 5:15 a.m. instead of 5:00, and you're not getting in, that's a real bitch. At these things, you've always got to have a staffer there to take a count and let people know that they should go the fuck home at some point because there's no chance they're getting in.

Maybe they did that later on down the line, but I somehow doubt it.

Rough Justice said...

The media person looks like Simmons.

Rob I said...

+1200 Slickbomb. Too bad you missed a great Yankees game!

TurleyGirlie said...

The media guy is Lupica. What a dork.

LadyAndrea said...

I've decided based on the first picture that Slickbomb is cute. Way to go, SB.

Robocats said...

I'm very disappointed that I didn't hear Berman's self-important reaction when the Giants took DeOssie. Can anyone describe it or something? Did they blur it when Boomer started to whack off to his own greatness, or just put it on the air as is?

twoeightnine said...

There's a reason Kiper is a draft analyst and not one who actually makes draft picks.

Mike said...

I believe the Sprint guy is actually flashing the Devil's Horns, not the Shocker.