Wednesday, April 18, 2007

High Risk Insurance/The Time is Right


[Dialtone]

Esurance customer associate: Hello, how may I help you?

Vince Young: "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach."

Esurance customer associate: ...excuse me? Hello? Sir?

VY: "God gave Noah the rainbow sign. No more water, the fire next time."

ECA: I'm not quite sure what you're trying to tell me, sir.

VY
: Goddammit! Your ad says quote, buy, print. How many more quotes I have to give you?

ECA: Oh. [laughs] You misunderstood. It means you can log onto our web site, provide your pertinent personal information, get a price quote, buy a policy and print it out at home.

VY: I knew I shoulda gotten Jeff Fisher to do this. But his dialing hand is all worn out from the fist pumping.

ECA: Maybe you can explain to me what you're trying to do and I can refer you to the correct department.

VY: Okay. EA Sports just told me they're gonna put me on the cover of the next Madden game. Now, I love the Madden game. If books were like the Madden game, I would have read every book since NFL Proust Reading '92, with the fuzzy graphic words that get tackled as soon as they run into an opposing word. But bad shit always happens to people who get put on the cover so I need some Vince Young insurance.

ECA: Well, sir, we're an auto insurance company. We don't put policies out on athletes.

VY: Yeah, auto, as in automatic. Gimme some of that automatic insurance.

ECA
: That's auto as in automobile insurance.

VY: Fuck. I just talked to Mike Vick and he explained all the bad experiences he had being on the cover. Now he even insures his weed. Against fire damage, no less. I don't know how he found a company willing to do that. He was watching TV when we were on the phone and your commercial came on and he wanted me to call to ask if the girl from your commercials could save him from his evil robot coffee maker. And while I was at it, I should get some insurance.

ECA: I haven't the slightest idea how help you.

VY: Hmmm. Can I just talk to the cute pink haired girl?

ECA
: You mean Erin Esurance? She's a fictional mascot the company uses for advertising campaigns.

VY: Yeah, she's probably out on a classified mission or something. You tell her I liked that touchdown she scored against the blizzard robot. I'm gonna try that shit against Jacksonville.

ECA: I...uh...

VY: She's also had baseball and basketball commercials. That's one sporty chick. I bet she puts some baseball eye black around her snatch. I'd like to give her some of my patented sidearm delivery. KnawhaI'msayin'?

ECA:...

VY: You're right. My mechanics are kinda bad. That's why I did so bad on the Wonderlic. I tried to write all my answers on the side of the paper. Man, side of the paper is less than a millimeter thick. I must only got, like, five answers on there.

ECA: ...

VY: Anyway, you need to tell her to leave that mumbly caesar haircut-having white dude she's with. Then again, he's probably one of those smart-ass Herbs that girls hang around to cheat off on tests. Girls are clever like that.

ECA:...

VY
: All right, well, fuck this shit. I'll be fine. But I gotta run though. Albert Haynesworth wants to practice his stomping action on my throwing arm. Y'know, toughen that shit up.

60 comments:

Ryan said...

This is fucking comedic gold, dammit, gold.

Rob I said...

Erin Esurance has the tightest ass on television and if anyone can find me some Erin Esurance pornography, I'd never leave the house.

wv: 'lwigi'

BeaverFever said...

eye black around the snatch, nice !

i concur with ryan. comedic gold. hats off to Ape.

Rob I said...

I'd also settle for Kim Possible.

flubby said...

I feel a lot less skeevy now that I know other people also think Erin Esurance is freakin' hawt.

The Last Unitard said...

I wonder if this is the appropriate forum to discuss the crush I had on Inspector Gadget's niece, Penny, when I was 7. And by 7 I mean 27.

devang said...

Now he even insures his weed. Against fire damage, no less.

That's some funny shit right there.

WV - jokbjd

flubby said...

hells yeah...

http://www.artofandrew.net/uploaded_images/erin-712913.jpg

devang said...

you need to tell her to leave that mumbly caesar haircut-having white dude she's with.

Will Leitch is fucking a cartoon character?

Rob I said...

Flub, check out her unit!

Peter McSheisty said...

That was hilarious. Those Esurance people have a weird marketing strategy. They try to appeal to the hippies, tech savvy, and "green" people. Their commercials (or one in particular, that always sticks out) are about stopping some sort of evil robot that is cutting down trees and raping the rainforests or wasting paper or something. "Lets jump in the Hybrid" says Erin Esurance. What do I mean by all this? I want to fuck Erin Esurance on the hood of hybrid, while endangered species watch from a freshly chopped and barren rainforest. I have problems.

DrDoom said...

i agree wtih what others have already said gold. Pure greatness.

the side of the paper is a millimeter thick ha.

brad said...

I nominate Katara from Avatar and Starfire from Teen Titans.

save the steagles said...

Everything from the weed fire insurance, to the image of Vince Young writing answers on the side of his test, to the tags for this post were absolutely brilliant. This may also be the first Christmas Ape post that didn't make me feel like an idiot.

Vanilla said...

@ Brad: Whoa, you just crossed the line into weird.

swing4 said...

I'm glad someone else realizes that the evil robot coffee makers are just waiting for the signal to rise up against us.

Also, the "stop masterbating to cartoon characters" tag gives me pause, especially when I remember the KSK cat is named Jean Grey. I may have just gotten more of a glimpse into your collective mind than I really wanted.

Chris said...

Everyone in Nashville was all ready down a little from the pac man suspension. Then vy goes out and does this to us. We coulda been contenders....

flubby said...

rob, that's just a little camel-toe (I hope)

BoSox Siobhan said...

You got that right, Chris. I had such high hopes for the Titans. Now they're fucked.

QueeferSuthrland said...

Just to get it out of the way:

Um dude (Ok, he's pretty awesome, so maybe), YES YES OH MY GOD YES


wv: byjvokde

I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere.

Chris said...

Oh well bosox I planned on selling my second set of season tickets, but now I am not sure anyone is going to want them.

Brother Joshua said...

how much longer till people start writing erin esurance fanfic?

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/110/309245788_fe716a21cd.jpg?v=0

Awful Chief said...

Great stuff, Ape. I watched the Penguins game last night too.

yesiamahooker said...

when erin esurance dunks the basketball against the robot and all of sudden there is a flash and erin's hair becomes all long and winged back like farrah fawcett back in the day still confuses me.

Also, does the carpet match the drapes?

Jackin'4Beats said...

Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach.

I didn't get any further before breaking into laughter. This post is hilarious.

Fire insurance for weed - I can just see Mike Vick signing that policy with a lit blunt in his mouth and an open sack of haze on the coffee table...so when's quittin' time again?

devang said...

Also, does the carpet match the drapes?

Ouch

Mayor McRib said...

Around Mid-season last year there was a Madden special edition that had none other than Madden on the cover.
Madden technically broke the curse but I was expecting him to choke on a chicken bone or Favre's johnson.

MemphisRaines said...

Hilarious! Great work Ape. Although I'm a little confused how Esurance Customer Associate becomes ESA, it fits perfectly with anything about Vince Young.

Ted said...

That was so funny I assumed BDD wrote it.

the butler said...

Whatever.

The Curse is the one who needs insurance. That Voo-doo hex is about to be crushed up like an eight ball...and Pacman might even come along and bump up its ashes.

Funny as hell, though, Ape.

And yeah, that pink haired chick has a monster cock.

Luis Bup said...

This is totally off-topic, but I figured you guys should know that an American is launching a takeover bid of Arsenal, the beloved Vice-Chairman, David Dein, has resigned because he supports the American (is pro-money), and KSK arch-nemesis Arseblog has posted NOTHING about this.

denvergodfather said...

As far as sweet ass cartoon characters my money is with Cheetara from the Thunder Cats. I think it is Cheetara. Whatever her name is she is smokin.

BigRicks said...

God I hate Esurance

Erin Esurance is a ####

I hope she wraps her Hybrid around a telephone pole and doesn't have accident forgiveness

President Palmer knows his shit

Stuck in the Ivy said...

Fine, I'll stop the masterbating. But that means masturbating is still fair game.

See what I did there? I pretended like I was going to do something, just to point out your spelling mistake.

I'm bored.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

The fuzzy graphic words that get tackled as soon as they run into opposing words?

Brilliance. Nice work, Ape.

Christmas Ape said...

Yeah, yeah. ESA instead of ECA. Masterbate instead of masturbate. When I write drunken posts at 11 p.m. the previous night it's a trade-off with grammatical exactitude and the funny.

MemphisRaines said...

Oh yeah, I forgot:

NFL Proust Reading '92

Beautiful, I want that game!

lieutenant winslow said...

erin esurance > erin andrews

fuck you, i have a thing for chicks with pink hair alright?

TheNaturalMevs said...

An american tragedy occurs two days ago, and here you are. Your little versions of humor don't miss a beat, do they? Ever just feel like a moment of silence? Jesus. Not a mention, not a post, nothing for VT and the lives they lost and the families. Just more 'cock jokes' and an ad for some G strings you made for lame-o's to buy. Even your idol Deadspin did something dedicated to VT, but not you guys. You're too cool for that. So much egg on your face you could make a couple omelets. You are the joke. Chastize me if you'd like, but I think I'm right on. Way to go fellas. You're whats wrong with America today.

Stuck in the Ivy said...

Well if that's what the tradeoff is, your next post needs to sound like it's been written by a 5 year old. Bring on the funny.

Stuck in the Ivy said...

And mevs, I would love to take you up on that chastizing offer, but I have a feeling one of the writers would like to take a shot at that. Or maybe they'll just choose to ignore you. Either way works for me.

Christmas Ape said...

thenaturalmevs:

I know the nation turns to KSK as its moral compass to steer it through troubling times. We are remiss in neglecting the VT killings and I offer Caveman's post from With Leather as a meager sop:

http://www.withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=2632

Now go enjoy an American untainted by KSK, you pussybasket.

devang said...

Gee, some more America bashing. How surprising. Yes, our apathetic attitude is epitomized by KSK not dedicating anything to the VT tragedy.

That's some pretty elementary school reasoning there Holmes.

Who the hell are you to tell us how to deal with such a horrible tragedy? What if we want to deal with it in our own private way?

Go protest something somewhere and leave us alone

Douche.

flubby said...

Looks like KSK's favorite walking abortion Clint Evans is back.

TheNaturalMevs said...

@flubby

what are you, 12? Write something entertaining for once, quit being the court jester of this fuckin' place.

J.L. White said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J.L. White said...

Oops, I was about to say something funny, but a stranger just died.

.....

Okay, here we go with the funny now, and-FUCK! Some old lady had a heart attack in St. Louis. Okay, okay, here's a moment of silence for her passing and her courageous battle with obesity.

.....

Alright, now that I've taken the time to mourn-OH, COME ON NOW! People seem to be dying all the time, or something. And, you know, HEAVEN FORBID that someone say something funny at a moment like this.

Where is the line drawn, huh? Where is it FUCKING drawn? Now leave me alone with neekid thoughts of Erin Esurance. My thoughts and prayers will be with the victims in, oh, lets says 5-10 mintues.

Unsilent Majority said...

The court jester is entertaining by definition.

lieutenant winslow said...

[rolls down car window]

hi... this is kinda embarassing, but... i think i may have missed my exit. can you guys give me directions. i was trying to get to "dick jokes and mindless sports banter" but i must not've been paying attention and went all the way to "pretentious morality judgments and misdirected anger". if i just hop on I-420 will that get me back there? thanks

Unsilent Majority said...

I-420 can take you to lots of wonderful places.

BlackJesus said...

Eye-black around the snatch is definitly a turn-on.

By the way does anyone else click on that handicapped tab where you post your comment and try to type the numbers you hear? That shit is difficult.

Robocats said...

I have to say, that post was really insanely funny.

As for the oddly out of place shame that was heaped upon you by naturalmevs for being funny....well, if you stop being funny then the dead, mentally unstable, Korean gunman wins. In all seriousness though, the world can't shutdown, even for a tragedy and the huge amount of grieving to be done is outside of KSK's jurisdiction. If you, naturalmevs, want to dwell on it, plenty of 24 hour news sources will be happy to help.

Jez said...

naturalmevs is Riff Raff, and therefore should be ignored. Anyone who honors his post by responding to it is gay.

Brother Joshua said...

well, i mean, if you go to one of naturalmev's blogs, it's "an informative and humorous look at major league baseball by two guys who know the game better than anyone else." better than anyone else in the world! and he doesn't really say anything about the vt thing either, except that maybe "our great president" did some behind-the-scenes work to get the nationals to wear tech hats.

Biggus Rickus said...

I love internet moralists almost as much as I love this post. The fact that I'll be masturbating to impure thoughts about Erin Esurance for a few days (with some breaks) is just icing on the cake.

lieutenant winslow said...

BlackJesus,

clicking on the handicap thing if you are not really handicapped is a $250 fine


and no... i do NOT use my handicap tag to park at metered parking spots without putting change in the meter, why do you ask?

Unsilent Majority said...

Only Cade is allowed to use the handicapped word verification.

Jesse said...

Just to get back to the spirit of the initial post, i present more of that tasty Erin Esurance.

I don't know if this post was the funniest I've seen on here, but it was definitely the best conversation.

Mike said...

Excellent. Fine work, Drew. Wait, that wasn't Drew? Day-um.

Anyhow, keep your sticky paws off Erin. She's mine.

Dee said...

lol.