Wednesday, April 4, 2007

This Week’s Dose Of Animal Ultraviolence: Polar Bear Attacks Andy Reid



Here’s a polar bear stalking and attacking a walrus. The problem? The bear fucking LOSES. I can’t believe you, bear. It’s a walrus. How fucking hard can it be to take down? It’s not going anywhere. It’s the Carnie Wilson of the Arctic. Yet you somehow manage to let it get away? Unbelievable. You clearly didn’t graduate from Polar Bear Academy, or wherever it is that trains polar bears to be instinctive badass predators. You’re supposed to be a killer! A fucking marauding death machine. I’ve never been so disappointed. I had my dick in my hand waiting for you to make the kill and you blew it. First a little global warming kicks your ass, and now this. Pussy.

In fact, the polar bear in this video has an entire sedentary flock of walruses to choose from. Yet he fails everywhere he turns. That makes this video a perfect metaphor for myself at age 22 during last call at a bar. Pathetic. You know what, polar bear? You don’t even deserve to exist anymore. I’m putting you right on the “Deserves To Be Extinct” list, along with the cat, the ferret, and Presbyterians. Sucks to be you, fucko. Wait... what’s that? What do you mean, you DID kill a walrus later on? Well, prove it, Whitey!



Hooooooooo-ly Testicle Tuesday, that is fucking sweet. I haven’t been this turned on since I watched “Starship Troopers”. You always hear about metaphorical bloodbaths, but real ones are much cooler. I take it all back, polar bear. You’ve still got that killer instinct, my friend. Again, literally. It’s good to see you back on top of your game, dying your fur a new color with the fresh blood of your hapless victim. Kudos to you.

30 comments:

BeaverFever said...

nice ! the first polar bear pusses out, but that second one fucks shit up.

btw, i swear i saw rosie o'donnell mixed in with that pack of walruses.

janie said...

Bloody hell, I haven't seen that much blood since my second kid was born. I feel faint.

Unsilent Majority said...

Global warming is a bitch.

Does walrus blood come out of white fur?

Sanchez said...

I'm not entirely certain that Polar bear is trying to eat the walrus... it kinda looks like he's doing something else...

Burnsy said...

"The rivers are full of blood."

"Are you here to kill my bay-beeeee?"

Otto Man said...

That cockblocking by the walrus crowd was the saddest thing I've ever seen. In HD, you could really see his flopsweat developing.

Lisa said...

That first walrus was protecting her cub, which just goes to show you you don't mess with a mama, bitches. Didn't he learn anything from The Waterboy?

The Pirate Sloth said...

Where's the shark coming out of the water to show that polar bear how to get shit done?

I blame the polar bear's pussy-ness on Coke commercials. They need more of this kind of killing exposure to change their image.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

I actually saw this show.

That first polar bear was about to die of starvation and after failing to snatch the baby Reid actually died about 10 feet from the herd.

Mike said...

Andy Reid with that fucking clock management trouble.

Kicks ass for 56 minutes only to screw it up in the end. Jeez.

JAMMQ said...

I felt the same type of ruthless motivation to kill that the second polar bear had,v when I first read the post about Big Daddy Drew going to ESPN. There would have been a blood bath in Bristol.

3000 said...

"Starship Troopers" is the tittyballs.

Paul Verhoeven will not be denied. ("Robocop"? "Total Recal"? A woman dyeing her pubic hair to fool Nazis? Case closed!)

Also, goo that's brutal!

lieutenant winslow said...

there is a reason those fuckers are ALWAYS listed on the threatdown

Chuckles said...

Coo Coo Ka Chew on that, Walrus. If you had a running game you may have survived. Bitch.

Mr Furious said...

Is that first bear the same one who actually succumbs to tusk wounds and dies?

Where's that fool from the comments last week that actually thought a polar bear could mess with the Great White?

Slash said...

Don't underestimate the walrus; those fuckers are huge and mean. And it did look like the bear was humping it. Maybe he was. Probably gets lonely out there on the ice. He's gonna have to dispatch a few hundred seals before he's ready for the walrus.

Wormfather said...

With all due respect the bear had just swam, swum, swimmed, yeah that's it, for like 3 days. I walk three blocks and I'm bound to fall asleep on my food.

Just saying.

Benjamin said...

Yeah, the polar bear definitely got tusked by holmgren. He was tired, hungry, and holmgrenned, so he just lay down and died right next to the herd. Kinda sad.

So much walrus all around, and so little inside of the bear.

Signal to Noise said...

Hopefully that damn polar bear cub in Germany that everyone's swooning over will turn this mean, maybe then I'll start to appreciate it.

Gonna need to take a dip to wash the blood out of the fur.

QueeferSuthrland said...

Blood orgy anyone?

Pants Dispenser Operator said...

Polar bears are the fiercest killers in the animal kingdom.

God Hates Raiders Fans said...

I do believe the polar bear is the only bear that eat meat exclusively aren't they?

Mocking vegans always ranks high in my book.

So among a species of badasses you generally dont want to fuck with the polar bear is the one that you KNOW looks at even yourself as a potential meal.

BeaverFever said...

it is funny when people try to make polar bears like nice and cute. my 2 old loves this book called "lars the polar bear". someday her heart will be broken to find out they are killing machines, not nice and cute like the book she now loves.

David said...

@ mr. furious

That fool is right here. And did you not watch the second clip? I grant that the first polar bear sucked ass, but so did the great white in jaws 2. One bad apple does not a weak species make. For crying out loud, the shark was going after seals in heat! At least the bear had the nuts to go after something with tusks.

Also, I did say that home field advantage would be important.

swing4 said...

I miss the days when Drew's snuff posts were just about household spiders instead of fluffy bears.

Stuck in the Ivy said...

Did anyone else notice the bear pulling the squatting over the thing he just killed move? I thought that was exclusive to 14 year olds playing Halo, now it turns out it's a natural instinct. Amazing.

And what would this have been tagged with if the second video wasn't there, fail fail fail?

Bad Becks said...

Leave it to the Russians to score this gorefest. Something tells me this camera crew was under the threat of getting an anthrax filled milkshake if they didn't bring home a polar bear kill shot.

Lou Pickney said...

There are definitely parallels between "last call" and that first video.

The water literally red with blood was pretty damn cool in the second video. Somehow I don't think we'll see that incorporated into any of those Coca-Cola polar bear commercials.

Mr Furious said...

Also, I did say that home field advantage would be important.

David, just busting chops...no harm no foul.

But for the bear to have a chance against the shark, he'd have to be beached. And even then I'm not so sure...

Bear claws and teeth against the suface as big as a shark? Like biting a beach ball, whereas the the shark is still taking off limbs with one chomp.

If that battle takes place in the water it might just as well be ME in a bear suit. It will be over fast.

David said...

All's well on my end, sorry if I gave the impression of being mad.

I think the surface area thing is a good point, but it would seem to apply to the walrus as well. The bear would have to stick and move. Either way, I'd definitely pay to watch the fight and ensuing carnage, and unlike most pay-per-view fights, there is no outcome that would leave me unsatisfied...

I think there's also a band called Bear vs. Shark. Maybe they'd have insight.