Here’s a polar bear stalking and attacking a walrus. The problem? The bear fucking LOSES. I can’t believe you, bear. It’s a walrus. How fucking hard can it be to take down? It’s not going anywhere. It’s the Carnie Wilson of the Arctic. Yet you somehow manage to let it get away? Unbelievable. You clearly didn’t graduate from Polar Bear Academy, or wherever it is that trains polar bears to be instinctive badass predators. You’re supposed to be a killer! A fucking marauding death machine. I’ve never been so disappointed. I had my dick in my hand waiting for you to make the kill and you blew it. First a little global warming kicks your ass, and now this. Pussy.
In fact, the polar bear in this video has an entire sedentary flock of walruses to choose from. Yet he fails everywhere he turns. That makes this video a perfect metaphor for myself at age 22 during last call at a bar. Pathetic. You know what, polar bear? You don’t even deserve to exist anymore. I’m putting you right on the “Deserves To Be Extinct” list, along with the cat, the ferret, and Presbyterians. Sucks to be you, fucko. Wait... what’s that? What do you mean, you DID kill a walrus later on? Well, prove it, Whitey!
Hooooooooo-ly Testicle Tuesday, that is fucking sweet. I haven’t been this turned on since I watched “Starship Troopers”. You always hear about metaphorical bloodbaths, but real ones are much cooler. I take it all back, polar bear. You’ve still got that killer instinct, my friend. Again, literally. It’s good to see you back on top of your game, dying your fur a new color with the fresh blood of your hapless victim. Kudos to you.