Leading up to the draft, we’ll be giving you exclusive inside access to the war rooms of various teams across the league. Today: the Seattle Seahawks.
Tim Ruskell, General Manager: Thanks for coming, gents. You all are the backbone of this team, the respective hearts of the offense and defense. In order to help figure out where we need to add youth, can you all state how old you'll be at the start of this season?
Julian Peterson, OLB: 29.
Patrick Kerney, DE: 30.
Ruskell: Wait. Aren't you a speed rusher?
Ruskell: And you're 30?
Ruskell: All year? No chance of getting younger?
Kerney: I feel young at heart.
Ruskell: What was the deal we gave you this offseason?
Kerney: Six years, $39.5 million.
Ruskell: Good Christ! What was I thinking?!?
Peterson: Sir, we needed someone to replace Grant Wistrom, who was a year older. And much slower. Also, I believe you were on quaaludes that day.
Ruskell: Ah yes. That takes me back. Say, whatever happened to Wistrom? Class act. I loved his Halloween party.
Peterson: Retired, sir.
Ruskell: Good. Fucker was dead weight on this sinking ship. [pause] Anyway. Carry on, the rest of you. Ages.
Matt Hassebeck, QB: Uh, 32.
Shaun Alexander, RB: 30.
Deion Branch, WR: 28.
Darrell Jackson, WR: 28.
Walter Jones, OT: 33.
Mack Strong, FB: 36.
Ruskell: Fuck. My. Ass. Nobody's younger?
Hasselbeck: Sir, many of the players on defense and our offensive line are younger.
Ruskell: Name one known outside the state of Washington. Besides Lofa Tatupu.
Hasselbeck: Ummm... Kelly Jennings?
Ruskell: Fuck you. You're in the Asshole Box. No talking, five minutes. Got it?
Hasselbeck: [nods, hangs head]
Ruskell: Okay, so who should we take for our first round pick?
Branch: Uh, that's me.
Ruskell: Why would I draft you? You're already on the team.
Branch: No sir, last year you traded your first round pick to New England for me.
Ruskell: Oh, shit. Forgot about that. Must be nice to finally be paid, though, huh?
Branch: Yes, sir. And how.
Ruskell: I met [Patriots' personnel director Scott] Pioli last offseason. He actually picked up loose change off the street. He went to the bathroom while we were figuring out the tip for lunch.
Branch: I believe it, sir.
Ruskell: Right. So, second round. Let's see... number 55 overall. What are our biggest needs?
Alexander: Tight end, offensive line, tight end, and we could use a little depth in the secondary.
Strong: I am fucking ancient.
Alexander: Fullback, too.
Ruskell: Does anyone have any good news for me?
Kerney: You'll free up a lot of cap room when you cut me in two years.
Branch: I saved 15% by switching to Geico car insurance.
Ruskell: We're not getting anyone from this draft, are we?
Ruskell: Looks like I'm gonna need to make a move. Guess who's getting traded?
Ruskell: Ding ding ding. Pack your bags, vestigial wideout.