Monday, April 9, 2007

Inside The War Room! Dallas Cowboys

Leading up to the draft, we’ll be giving you exclusive inside access to the war rooms of various teams across the league. Today: the Dallas Cowboys.

Assistant: Well, I think the war room’s all set, Mr. Jones.

Jerry Jones: Where’s the fuckin’ easel?

Assistant: The what?

Jones: I need a fuckin’ easel! Have you never been in a meetin’, Jennifer? I need a big fuckin’ easel to write all my ideas down.

Assistant: Okay…

Jones: And I want three different kinds of Sharpies. I need a red Sharpie, because whenever I get a really fuckin’ big idea, I like writin’ it in red. That way, everyone pays attention to it. Then I need a green Sharpie for drawing pie charts. Then I want one of those markers that writes in shiny gold ink. It’s kinda like gold leaf, know what I mean?

Assistant: I think so.

Jones: Well, I want a shitload of those. Because I like goin’ through all my big fuckin’ ideas and then putting a gold star by the ones I REALLY like. Like if I say, “Hey, what if we trade up to get Calvin Johnson?” I wanna be able to star that little sumbitch. In fact, write that down right now.

Wade Phillips: Where do I sit?

Jones: Shut up, fatty! You only get to talk when I pull this chain! You understand me!

Wade: Yes, sir.

Jones: I didn’t pull the fucking chain. Dance, fat man! Dance!

(He dances.)

Jones: Ha ha! Look at that fat bounce all around! Jennifer, you can poke him with a stick if you want.

Assistant: No, thank you.

Jones: Suit yourself. Nothin’ finer than pokin’ a fat man! Now, I want place cards arranged around the table. And I want titles too! Remember my title?

Assistant: “The Boss Man”?

Jones: Goddamn fuckin’ right, I am. Son of a gun! Now, food. I want Einstein Bagels in the morning. Hey fatty, what do you want for lunch? You may speak!

(pulls chain)

Wade: Sandwiches.

Jones: Wow! Aren’t you an incredibly creative mind! I never woulda thoughta fuckin’ sandwiches on my own! Way to be outta the box! You stupid tub of lard. Let’s get some fried chicken, and other assorted Negro food.

Assistant: Sir, I don’t think that’s appropriate here.

Jones: (rolls eyes) Fine. We’ll have Thai.

Assistant: I meant the term "Negro", sir. Not the food choice.

Jones: Ah, don't be such a tightass, darlin'. We love our Negroes down here in Texas. Now, be sure to order extra Larb Gai. Somebody always eats that shit before I can get a helpin’!

Assistant: Okay.

Jones: Now, where’s the draft board?

Wade: Oh, we’re using an electronic draft board this year, using Javascript.

Jones: What?! Unacceptable. I want an old school draft board, with each player’s name and school written on a plaque that I can move up and down at my behest. It feels more God-like that way. It’s like Star Wars, where they play chess with those tiny monsters. In fact, I would like little action figures of all 500 draft prospects, so I can make ‘em fight! Make that happen!

Assistant: Yes, sir.

Jones: And I want the ESPN camera behind my right shoulder, so it looks like I’m presiding over the room, which I am.

Assistant: Yes, sir.

Jones: And I need a bottle of Lubriderm close by, so that Ed Werder doesn’t chafe my penis when he’s rubbing me down.

Assistant: Yes, sir.

Jones: Hey, fatty!

(pulls chain)

Wade: Sir?

Jones: Did you figure out the conference calling equipment like I told you?

Wade: I think so.

Jones: Then let’s call the ghost of Tex Schramm now and see if it works.

Wade: You can’t call ghosts, sir.

Jones: Just fuckin’ do it, Flubber!

(one hour later)

Tex: Hello?

Jones: Good! It fuckin’ works! Hey there, Tex!

Tex: Can we hurry this up? I got another meeting in ten.

Jones: You look here, you dead piece of shit! I spent an hour getting you on this phone. You aren’t going nowhere! I need you to help me compile my list of “Surprise Draft Picks”. You know, the ones no one sees comin’.

Tex: Ugh.

Jones: And where’s the mechanical bull? Jennifer, take this list down…

Assistant: Yes, sir.

Jones: We need a a mechanical bull, a LIVE bull, a 30’ foot Tostitos banner, a 1950’s style soda fountain, a pile of gold bricks that I can stand near at all times, a lifesize cutout for me for whenever I go take a shit, four mules, brownies AND blondies, ten crates of fresh cigars, a large cache of automatic weapons, Fiji water, a Bill Parcells lookalike I can shoot at, a mounted trophy of a moose’s head, notepads and pencils for everyone, a bearskin rug, artificial stalactites that I can have dropped on people at a moment’s notice, a compass, one of those oversized beach balls, and a fresh cheese and fruit plate no one will touch. Got all that?

Assistant: Yep.

Jones: Now that’s a draft room! Giddyfuckingup!


BeaverFever said...

being in Texas, I'm thinking hamburgers from whattaburger and a case of Big Red soda might make an appearance in the draft room.

also, i'm surprised there was no request to have wade phillips daughter present. she is hot.

Chris said...

What no lone star beer either. The bear skin rug was a nice touch though.

David said...

And you can really never have enough Larb Gai.

Burnsy said...

Throw in an on-call plastic surgeon to sculpt his face to express his emotions.

becky said...

"brownies AND blondies"

now that's flippin genius.

Otto Man said...

Is that picture of the assistant Jennifer?

Man, she looks like shit. Except for those pretty girlie eyes.

MemphisRaines said...

Tex: Can we hurry this up? I got another meeting in ten.

Now I'm curious as to what Tex's other meeting was. Some bizarre ritual natural disaster implementation with Tom Landry & Satan perhaps?

From the other side of town said...

No Bourbon (to go with the cigars)? And how about a bowl of pills near the door for when Terrell Owens pokes in his unwanted head when they draft a wide receiver?

mmmm beefy said...

he might need to borrow some pain killers from TO after watching the fat man dance. Well that is if TO didn't take them all

brad said...

And I need a bottle of Lubriderm close by, so that Ed Werder doesn't chafe my penis when he's rubbing me down.

Great line! I fell down laughing when I read that.

Southpaw said...

If he drafts Greg Oden to play tight end I will kick over the flat screen.

Mike said...

Outstanding, Drew. I gotta say, this whole Jerry & Wade show is southern-fried fun for the whole family.

I'm hoping for monthly appearences right through next season.

Perhaps Jerry, Wade and the Assistant take different trips every month: to France, to a sushi restaurant, to a strip club, to a Stanley Cup Finals game, to the Green Zone in Bagdad. The possibilities are endless.

Uncle JR said...

Memphisrains - Tex's other meeting is with Al Davis.

Big Al wants to make sure his accommodations are prepared for him.

Excellent post here BDD.

Rob I said...

I have a sudden hankering for collard greens. And a hankering for Merton Hanks.

Jackin'4Beats said...

The sad part is I can see this conversation happening every single day down at Hidden Valley Ranch.

It's gonna be a long season...

Dat RoRo Kid said...

GOD, how I would have loved for that last list to just go on and on and on and on...

Stuttering Moses said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dbvader said...

Boring! About three times too long.

Meatwad said...

Shut your piehole dbvader and go read Peter King's article! That Cowboys Draftroom article was impressive and if you disagree then you are a fool I say, a fool!

Ross said...

I think its perfectly reasonable to want a pile of gold bricks and negro food.

Slash said...

You forgot the bucket of Botox-filled syringes. And the stacks of taxpayer money to build his futuristic new stadium.

Jaime said...

That was a hilarious post and I am a huge Cowboy fan. The scary thing is that I can actually envision that conversation happening. But let’s get serious, we need a good draft this year so contacting Tex Schramm and maybe even Tom Landry might be a good idea.


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