Monday, April 23, 2007

Celebrity Draft Analyst: Chairman Kaga Of Iron Chef


The draft is finally here this week. Hey, nice job making us wait two months longer than is necessary, NFL! I really wanted to wait week after agonizing week until the draft finally showed up on what will inevitably be the nicest day of spring. Asses. This week, we’ll be asking notable celebrities from the world of TV, politics, and more to give us their thoughts on this year’s selection meeting. First up: “Iron Chef”'s Chairman Kaga.


Hmm… Jamarcus Russell…

If my memory serves, the Creole half-breeds of Louisiana have a saying for Jamarcus Russell: “Savor only the arm.” Russell is known for being fat and flabby, but if you eat just the upper arm and shoulder, trimming the fat and discarding the rest, you will find a tender, almost venison-like meat, that surprises the mouth with its rich, smoky flavor. Slice it thin, and a pristine carpaccio awaits to delight and tantalize you! So I say, “savor only the arm”!

(Bites into yellow bell pepper, smiles creepily)


Hmm… Joe Thomas…

If my memory serves, morbidly obese Wisconsinites have a saying for Joe Thomas: “Look below the folds”. Below the folds of Thomas’ upper body lies a sweet nugget of penis tenderloin, plus the testicles, prized by the nutmongers of Northern Japan, who serve it in a clear bento broth with stewed bok choy. If you like offal, you’ll love these balls. But only in you… “look below the folds!”

(Grabs cape, turns dramatically)


Hmm… Gaines Adams…

If my memory serves, people of South Carolina have a saying about Gaines Adams (people of South Carolina love sayings, because they cannot read), which is… “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice”. Indeed, the blood of Adams is highly prized by South Carolinians as both a delicacy and a healing elixir that cures ailments ranging from dementia to toenail fungus. Indeed, “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice”! Ha ha ha ha!!!!!

(Summons a large table that rises up from the floor, takes off the table covering, revealing a naked Marshawn Lynch)


Ahh… Marshawn Lynch…

If my memory serves, the organic farmers of Northern California have a saying for Marshawn Lynch, which is, “Go by the dreads”. Dreadlocks are a signal of moister flesh, which offers you passage to the elusive fifth “umami” flavor. Lynch is often served spread over toast points with a spicy Pinot Noir. It’s a transcendant experience, but only if you “go by the dreads”!

(stretches out arms, turns palms upward)

ALLA CUISINE!!!!!

30 comments:

SlickBomb said...

Well played, Drew. I used to be obsessed with this show. The weirder the ingredients, the better!

By the way, you guys might have to start up your jihad against Peter King again for his comments this week...

I rape red sox fans said...

Where's the part where Bobby Flay loses?

Otto Man said...

ALLA CUISINE!!!!!

Actually, it's "ALLEZ CUISINE" which means "Let's go to the Kitchen!"

It's hard to tell, though, since Chairman Kaga's accent makes it come out like "ARREZ CRIZINE!"

And on that note, cue Krusty the Klown's patented Asian accent: "Ooooh, me so solly!"

Redhead said...

Seriously one of the creepiest posts I've ever read - thanks BDD!

BeaverFever said...

that post did weird me out a little bit, but not as much as the real life Chairman Kaga does.

Jackin'4Beats said...

@ Slickbomb

You're right, it looks like PK has decided to stop being Tony Romo's love muffin for Brady Quinn:

"In many cities, the draft is bigger than the Super Bowl. Think about it: What engenders more hype, say, in Cleveland: a game your team's rarely in, or the prospect of taking a matinee-idol Notre Dame quarterback tutored by the same guy who made Tom Brady ... Tom Brady? Well, duhhhh."

Commence jihad...now.

Unsilent Majority said...

dead on.

Christmas Ape said...

Commence jihad...now.

That would make it Allah Cuisine.

/ducks

John S. said...

creepy

Wormfather said...

@Jackin'4Beats

When I first glanced, I thought you refered to Brady Quinn as a Manatee as opposed to a Matinee. The funny part is, i think manatee is a better description.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manatee#Vulnerability

josh said...

what's this dirt on my skin, and why won't it come off?

Rob I said...

Jesus fucking Christ, do I really have to defend Bobby Flay's honor on a porno-comedic football blog? Kid's got a stellar IC record!

save the steagles said...

I want the token Japanese actress' take on the draftees. "When I see Calvin Johnson run I am filled with much happiness and bubbles, like sunshine and butterflies dancing together as one."

throwbot said...

Me and my friends had an iron chef drinking game in college...drink whenever that dude says "If my memory serves me." Drink whenever he bites into a pepper. Drink whenever the token Japanese actress says something "it tastes so good in my mouth." And drink whenever they say "Fukesan!!"

Big Daddy Drew said...

The token Japanese actress is also the one that is usually the most passive aggressively racist of the group: "Oooh, that is such a sloppy, almost AMERICAN kind of cooking technique he's using!"

SlickBomb said...

Well played, Ape. You guys have the Mary Beth King photos somewhere, right? It's like Batman keeping an extra piece of kryptonite around just in case.

Otto Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stuck in the Ivy said...

I think the cannibalism tag needs to be used more often. I just don't know how...

Otto Man said...

Beautifully played, Steagles.

You left out the emoticon for when she giggles and raises her fingertips to her lips like a Hello Kitty character, but otherwise that was pitch perfect.

Personally, I'd like to see the hatchet-faced food critic lady sitting alongside Mel Kiper, Jr. "Brady Quinn has an arm as limp as this overcooked udon noodle that brings tears of sadness to my mouth and intense flaming shame to the cook's ancestors."

HadesGigas said...

It's "hello cousin"

Roger said...

Token Japanese Actress, what do you think of Brady Quinn?

*bobs head a few times*

"oh...he's...he'sjustverygood...heeheehee"

*covers mouth with fingers, bobs head some more*

devang said...

"Our challenger tonight is a chef and his assistant with unique culinary skills. He hails from small town of Bukkake on the coast of Fukkuku."

"Welcome...

Thank You. it is a pleasure and honor to be here."
Kaga: ""So how confident do you feel tonight?"
Chef: "I feel very confident"
Kaga:" SO who will it be tonight?"
Chef: "Morimoto!!"
Kaga: "Today's ingredients, Ostrich eggs!!"

Chef challenger gets his assistant, breaks several eggs, takes a huge syringe, and suirts it up her ass.
Judges recoil in horror, with the token actress squealing in high pitch babble.


Hour mark is up.
Chef: I have a shit omlette with truffles, pig snout and roasted tender duck.
Brown Udon noodles with a chili oil gravy

Actress (tasting the omelette): "Oh Koldell Stewalt is back in the draft?"
Chef: "No, disregard the brown color, that's Heath Shuler."
Actress: "Oh Solly."

BeaverFever said...

syringe filled with ostrich egg squirted uo assistant's ass ? didn't see that one coming.

Rob I said...

devang, you sick and clever fuck.

Jackin'4Beats said...

OMG!!!

Wow, that ended badly.

Shit omlette with truffles, pig snout and roasted tender duck. Brown Udon noodles with a chili oil gravy.

That's just wrong.

devang said...

Rob, I knew you'd appreciate it.

Signal to Noise said...

Nice job, BDD.

Devang, you're a sick fuck. Good way to completely own a comment thread.

The token Japanese judge on the American version (when she appears) is, like all the other female judges on the show, complaining about it being "too rich."

My Insignificant Life said...

I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so

J.L. White said...

The Iron Chef won't be the only one judging potential NFL draft picks by how their meat can be best cannibalized.

I'm looking in your direction, Merrill Hoge.....

Crapass said...

Sure could have used that "jokes only i find funny" tag at the beginning.