Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Your KSK Draft Day Itinerary


I’m always annoyed when some newspaper has a columnist watch the entire NFL Draft and then file a sarcastic report about how boring it is. You know what? Fuck you. The Draft is an oasis in the middle of the seven excruciating months that is the NFL offseason. Millions of people like it and enjoy it. So suck my balls, Michael Wilbon:

I hate the NFL draft. I realize that saying anything against the draft amounts to blasphemy, but somebody's got to do it. The NFL draft is the most overrated, overhyped, obsessively overcovered non-event in sports. It's a nuisance, made-for-TV-by-TV event for people who couldn't tell a left tackle from a right guard, or zone from man-to-man coverage to save their mamas' lives.

Well, aren’t you just so proud of yourself. Pardon the shit outta me for getting excited about new players coming to my team. Sorry for being a fan. Cockknocker. The NFL Draft rules. You can cheer for your picks, ridicule shitty picks (“With the #3 pick, the Cleveland Browns select Brady Quinn!”), and, most importantly, get drunk. Here’s how I anticipate my weekend playing out.

7:00AM – Awake. Get up to dress and feed The Girl. Let the Mrs. sleep an extra hour or two.

9:00AM – Wake up the Mrs. Have this conversation:
-“You know what today is?”
-“What?”
-(I say nothing)
-“Oh fuck, not that draft thing again.”

11:00AM – Find out the Raiders have signed JaMarcus Russell and paid him a $30 million signing bonus. They’ll still take the full 15 minutes anyway, in hopes that ESPN will talk about the Raiders during that time span. They will not.

12:00PM – The Draft starts. Time for dynamic shots of the draftees! There’s Joe Thomas in a three-point stance! There’s JaMarcus Russell doing his throwing motion without the ball! There’s Gaines Adams giving the camera a murderous stare and saying, “Gaines Adams. Clemson. Bitch.”! That’s called a montage! Oooh, it takes a montage!!!!

12:05PM – Berman: “Annnnnnnnddddd welcome! To the 2007 National Football League Annual Selection Meeting, also known as… THE NFL DRAFT!” Berman laughs at his own “joke”. Everyone laughs with him. Start drinking immediately.

12:10PM – Berman introduces the rest of crew with an overlong, rehearsed spiel for each. Each crew member will laugh at said spiel. Except Kiper. Kiper will smirk and think to himself, “Hey look! Another joke about my hair! Never heard that one! Fat fuck.”

12:10PM – Time for reports straight from the outside war rooms! There’s Ed Werder in Dallas! There’s SalPal in Philly! There’s Michele Tafoya… somewhere! Cut to Suzy Kolber presiding over a “roundtable” of current NFL player/draftniks! Do I see Corey Chavous and Jon Jansen? You bet!

12:14PM – Before the Raiders pick, all of the draft information graphics will be introduced onto my TV screen. The graphics will occupy 85% of the screen. The telecast will cut to commercial just before any important NEW information is displayed. Fuck.

12:15PM – The Raiders take Russell. The ESPN crew talks about the Cowboys for 12 minutes.

12:28PM – Stuart Scott interviews Russell while simultaneously massaging his balls. Russell is baffled by the challenge of trying to make eye contact with Scott. Scott gets in his trademark “athlete fist bump”, giving him the approval from athletes that he so desperately craves.

12:29PM – The crew discusses trade possibilities at the 2 spot that will not come to fruition.

12:30PM – The Lions are ready to pick! Will it be Calvin Johnson? Will it be Brady Quinn? It doesn’t matter, because that fuckface Berman has already ruined the surprise by announcing that Joe Thomas is the pick! Hey Chris, fuck you seven times over!

12:35PM – Bagel

12:45PM – The Browns take Quinn. America has a good laugh. ESPN does a 10-minute, in-depth profile of how sweet a guy Quinn is. They interview his mom, his sister, AJ Hawk, a dying 8-year-old ND fan with an oxygen tube, his Dad, and Charlie Weis. Childhood pictures will play a prominent role. By the end of the telecast, he’ll be an honorary Manning brother.

12:59PM – The Bucs are ready to pick…

1:00PM – Psych! The Bucs trade the pick to the Skins for the Skins’ entire 2008 and 2009 drafts. On Jimmy Johnson’s trade chart, this actually is an “equal” trade. In reality, it is fucking suicide. The Skins get a fresh 15 minutes on the clock. Fuck me.

1:27PM – Waiting for the Vikings to pick…

1:59PM – Still waiting…

2:06PM – Jesus fucking Christ.

2:37PM – The Vikings select Jamaal Anderson. The ESPN crew will not discuss this until five more picks are made and I am on the shitter.

3:12PM – Somehow, seven picks are made within the span of half an hour. I have no clue how. Eat some hummus.

3:41PM – Is it time for a stilted video conference with Jon Gruden? Fuck yeah!

4:23PM – The Giants take Ted Ginn. Eli Manning gets now gets an even speedier receiver to overthrow.

4:24PM – Kiper doesn’t like the pick. “I don’t like the pick, Boom. You got a young, developing quarterback. But he’s already got that big target in Burress. What about your defense? What about replacing Tiki Barber? Let me give you a detailed outline of how the next thirty years will play out for the Giants because of this slapdick pick.”

5:00PM – Masturbate.

5:01PM - Make 22 oz. rum and coke with lime. I put a shitload of lime in there. It’s tremendous. Add some Lay’s potato chips in there and it’s like I’ve masturbated all over again.

5:02PM – Mrs Drew: “Okay, enough. Turn it off.” I turn it off.

6:00PM – Cuba Libre numero dos.

7:30PM – Baby asleep. Turn that shit right back on. Scour to see who the Vikes took in Round 2. ESPN will deliberately withhold the information from me. ESPNews is even worse, and I think Cindy Brunson is dying from severe anorexia. You can see the bitch’s sternum, people. And I don’t even have hi-def.

7:31PM – Flip to the Simpsons. It’s an episode from somewhere beyond season 6. That will not do. Flip back.

8:00PM – Jaws is talking in “I’m on TV!” voice.

8:01PM – Dinner. Who likes pad thai? I do! I do!

8:57PM – Flip back to the Draft. Trey Wingo is talking about shit with Sean Salisbury and Mark Schlereth. Salisbury keeps looking down at his own cock. And that signals an end to my day.

11:00AM – Day 2 is here. Suzy Kolber is your new host! Berman is too busy playing golf with Eddie DeBartolo and eating children.

11:23AM – Time to ignore all the current selections in order to A) Talk about the Cowboys, B) Replay scenes from the previous day, C) Talk to Jerry Jones, D) Replay the draftee montage!

12:07PM – In between talking about the Cowboys, the crew stops to quickly rattle off the past seven draft picks, then goes right back to talking about the Cowboys. They’ll do this repeatedly for the rest of the day. Time for eggs.

6:00PM – And the Draft is over. Was it exhausting? Frustrating? Annoying? Oh yeah. Would I watch it if it were on every week? Fuck and yes. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Wilbon.

62 comments:

Redhead said...

I thought I was the only one whose team was only discussed when I left the room. Good to know it happens to everyone else too - well, except for Cowboys fans. (Oh, and thanks for the visual of Stuart Scott massaging each draftees balls - that'll make this Saturday interesting.)

Outstanding photo by the way.

Peter McSheisty said...

Funny shit, Drew. BUT, incoming rant in 3.....2......1....

I hate it when people say the Simpsons wasnt any good after (enter classic season) 6,7,8, etc. It has become popular to say the Simpsons isnt good anymore, even though half of the people saying it are still watching. Yes, the story lines have become even more ridculous year after year. That happens when you make 400 episodes of a show. It is a rarity for an episode to come out that doesnt get at least one lol moment. (I hate that fucking acronym, forgive me) Yes, the writers focus primarily on the jokes now and dont develop story lines very well (not like the olden days) but that reminds me of another Fox cartoon that has succeeded and not received half the criticism of The Simpsons. So if you fucking posers can honestly say that you havent laughed at a joke or enjoyed an episode of The Simpsons in the last ten years, then you are a liar or dont know shit about the show. I hope this made sense, Im still pretty stoned.
Didnt mean to get all preachy. Ive been wanting to say this for years and my only friends are in my head.

Burnsy said...

Wait, no quotes from your random buddies visting from Boston, New York and L.A.? No repeated mention of what asshole microbrew you'll be drinking all day? Are you saying that at no point will any of your random friends with quirky nicknames call you from around the country to make a hilarious remark about his team's pick? No making fun of commercials and mentioning how awesome the new season of some reality TV show geared towards 16 year old girls looks?

What a shitty diary.

Brother Joshua said...

Psych! The Bucs trade the pick to the Skins for the Skins’ entire 2008 and 2009 drafts.

Throw in the 2010 draft and you've got yourself a deal!

--Vinnie Cerrato

Big Daddy Drew said...

"So if you fucking posers can honestly say that you havent laughed at a joke or enjoyed an episode of The Simpsons in the last ten years"

I never said that. You definitely get a good episode now and then. But I happen to think seasons 3-6 are the Mona Lisa of comedy, so those are the ones I tend to watch more often in repeats.

Tracer Bullet said...

I can only hope Quinn falls to the Vikings at #7. I don't know if, as a Notre Dame fan, I should hope Quinn succeeds and Drew has to eat bowl after steaming bowl of all the shit he's been spewing or if I should hope Quinn bombs and thus I'll get to enjoy watching Drew's face melt with rage week after week. Decisions, decisions.

Vanilla said...

Nice work. I'm lucky enough that when I'm out of the room my wife updates me with useful pieces of information that she thinks she heard.

"Hey, the Pats just traded for Javon Walker" - AWESOME we're going to have a good WR this year! Only to find out a half an hour later that it was actually DENVER who did that. Ugh!

Big Daddy Drew said...

tracer bullet, that's some good hatin'. I like the cut of your jib, young man.

Smello said...

I'm still trying to figure out how it is the NFL thinks they're going to "not allow" me to line-up outside Radio City.

"Fans will NOT be allowed to line up at Radio City prior to 5 a.m. Fans who receive tickets will be able to lineup beginning at 10 a.m..."

We Raiders fans aren't so good with rules.

Chet Lemon said...

What???

No boooooooooong hit, Drew?

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Pfft, this is nothing compared to the unparalleled excitement of the CFL draft, which consists of eleven guys sitting in a Saskatoon conference room, masturbating in pools of their own tears while watching decade-old NFL highlights and checking the crime blotter for potential picks. It's a purer game, really.

Weed Against Speed said...

Drew, would the universe implode if the Vikings drafted a Jamaal Anderson? I know it's spelled differently than Jamal "Dirty Bird" Anderson, but given that the cock-knocker had a part of the "game that shall not be mentioned" in Vikings lore, I don't know if it's a good idea.

I sense a career-ending knee injury or him pulling a Demitrius Underwood if the Vikings draft him.

Rob I said...

No meeting of the sextavirate on draft day? Color me disappointed.

LadyAndrea said...

This is the first year I can't surprise my brother and his roomates at 11 am (central time start) with beer and donuts. It's very sad. I'll be watching all by myself.

ran said...

The NFL draft has been dubbed case race day by me and fellow alcoholics back in college.

Festivities begin as soon as the commish announces "The ____ are on the clock".

We normally have the newbies perform stunts as they would in the combine, running the 40, vertical leap, sample Wonderlic. Only in ours, the guy is drunk. Hilarity ensues. This year we have a Wii to aid in our stupor. This can not be a bad thing.

The next day, we have forgotten every pick for our favorite team, and need a re-cap. There has never been a bad time.

Chris said...

I will be interested to see where my next door neighboor Patrick Willis ends up. Too bad he played on some shitty Ole Miss teams maybe more people would have gotten to see him a bit more.


Also I am looking forward to watching Boomer sweat through his shirt in the first two minutes of the broadcast.

BeaverFever said...

BDD, i'm surprised it took you until 5pm to masturbate and speaking of masturbating i'm sure fatboy berman will do it live from radio city music hall when Zak DeOssie from Brown gets drafted.

My Insignificant Life said...

6:00PM – "Cuba Libre" numero dos.

Nice Godfather II tie in.

Jeff Hawkins said...

At the beginning of day 2, somewhere Bill Pidto is softly crying to himself while watching Beaches

flubby said...

rob: I have a much more pressing engagement this weekend: Opening day at Churchill Downs, part of the eight-day bender that is my Derby Week. With any luck I'll have a good buzz going before I find out exactly how my Raiders decide to screw up the #1.

the butler said...

honorary Manning brother

That's just perfect and beautiful.

Rob I said...

flub: I salute you and will pour out the first ounce of my mint julep in your honor.

Mr Furious said...

Drew-

File under Kill, kill, kill

Tracer Bullet said...

Thanks, Drew. As a fan of both the Irish and the Philadelphia Eagles, my hate muscles get plenty of exercise. When Sheldon Brown piledrived Reggie Bush last year, it was like all of my hate expressed in one glittering moment. I ain't ashamed to say I cried a little bit.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

What's a jib?

Jez said...

2 Questions:

1) Are you a fucking vegetarian? Bagel, Lays and Pad Thai? Is there shrimp in that Pad Thai?

2) No mention of Madden 2008 commercials?

SlickBomb said...

I'm actually going to the draft at Radio City at, like, 5:00 in the AM with a digital video camera. If there is anything you want me to shoot to make it less boring, holla at ya dog.

Dan W said...

So... it's pretty much safe to say the Browns have already fucked up this draft, right?

What they need to do is draft Joe Thomas not only because he's gigantic, but because Northeast Ohio is world-renown for great fishing spots.

BigRicks said...

NFL Draft = Mini Keg

Usually by the time the Giants pick (middle of the round, since they do just enough every year to get into the playoffs and guarantee themselves William fucking Joseph) I've got half of it killed, then I spend the next half either:

a) drowning my sorrows at another stupid pick
b) celebrating

Needless to say, it's usually option a

Wormfather said...

WTF is this "zone defense" you speak of? Can it be used in my trial?

BigRicks said...

slickbomb, I was planning on attending as well, but a trip to San Francisco beckons instead, which means some nice early morning intoxication coupled with an inevitable hangover from the night before.

Sidenote: Though I don't need one to get shitty, I was wondering if anyone had/knew of a good NFL Draft drinking game. I feel like I've seen one before, but can't seem to find it.

DrDoom said...

it must suck to be a browns fan on draft day or a lions fan. So happy to have bill polian.

DrDoom said...

drink every time berman makes a shitty pun on a name. warning may cuase death.

Grimey said...

"YOU BITCH! Why didn't you just tell me it was a rum and coke?" - Brian Flanagan

My Insignificant Life said...

Bidricks.....From last year:

http://deadspin.com/sports/nfl/the-official-2006-nfl-draft-drinking-game-169403.php

Rickey Henderson said...

But the NFL drafy really IS boring!

Go watch baseball you ignornant fools.

DrDoom said...

baseball is boring. yay for lacrosse.

feep said...

you should just be happy that they talk about your team at all (whether in the room or not). i'm a detroit lions fan and there is only so much analysis you can do after "they suck".

Wormfather said...

Lacrosse...now with 100% less rape.

Awful Chief said...

Watching the NFL draft would be kind of like watching cards being dealt to a large table at a rate of one card every fifteen minutes, until each player has their two cards, at which point the players walk away and return four months later to play the hand.

Granted, in the draft the cards are far more interesting and watching a televised decision by Matt Millen is great fun (can't wait to order my Dwayne Jarrett Lions jersey). I just don't see how an event with fifteen seconds of activity per fifteen minutes is compelling. Although I don't own one, this seems like the perfect event for Tivo.

Rob I said...

If there is anything you want me to shoot to make it less boring, holla at ya dog.

Stuart Scott.

Spanky said...

This one draft, my brother and I watched the entire thing. It was awesome. And then, in another draft, four Notre Dame players were drafted, it was the best day ever. And then this one time, my mom yelled at my dad for watching too much of the draft.

[/Lady Andrea]

Jason said...

Does nobody get the NFL Network?! I'm not saying it's going to be like watching Jenna Jameson fuck Jessica Simpson with a strap-on, but you know they're not going to give the pick away like Berman will. We have a choice!

Smello said...

No, jason. I don't get the NFL Network. Thank you, Time Warner.

I'm hoping that by being there in person, I can avoid some of the painful chatter. And, just to amuse myself, I will be wearing my YWML t-shirt under my Raiders jersey.

BigRicks said...

my insignificant life: thanks for the link, I thought I saw it on Deadspin (then I realized how braind dead i really am, I was the first to comment on it last year)

It's funny looking back and seeing a Deadspin post referencing drinking, football, Berman and Michael Irvin and seeing only 21 comments, 10 of which came from either BDD, UM or CC.

Drizztdj said...

I may throw my well used Superamerica Viking brick at the TV multiple times this weekend.

Especially if I hear the term "tampa - 2 defense" one more fuckin time.

Happy Fun Miles said...

You know who else eats Pad Thai? Rachel Nichols.

You know where she gets it from?

You guessed it.

SexyRexy's ass crack.

Ryan said...

Drew, your draft day sounds almost like mine, except mine's begins with "Awake, get dressed, and sneak out of the apartment of the co-ed I hooked up with last night".

David said...

I'm not saying it's going to be like watching Jenna Jameson fuck Jessica Simpson with a strap-on, but you know they're not going to give the pick away like Berman will.

How's that for a sentence with some extreme highs and lows?

LadyAndrea said...

Aw Spanky....I don't give two shits about how many ND guys get drafted. I'm not an ND crazy.

ilse said...

This is the first year I can't surprise my brother and his roomates at 11 am (central time start) with beer and donuts. It's very sad.

I find it sad that you do it every year, and yet he's still surprised.

And he STILL scored higher than Vince Young on the Wonderlic...

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Then there's the supergeek version--sitting on your couch with your laptop IMing your friends about how badly your team just took it up the ass with their pick.

I have to admit I'm going to miss Tagliabue trying to look comfortable around guys that look like they'll jack him in the parking lot afterwards.

Bad Becks said...

I've been flopping with who I want the Browns to take as if I got a bowl of pears shoved up my ass.

If its either Thomas or All-Day, I'll keep them up there.

smeos said...

As a Seahawks fan, this will be the bestest draft ever. We don't have a first or third round pick, so I won't have to sit there and plan the painful death of Chris Berman for not talking about my team . . . he will be perfectly justified. I will instead get to know true bliss as the Seahawks draft another wide reciever instead.

I will instead have to focus on my second favorite team . . . The Bengals. Although only because I pity them and their gay uniforms.

save the steagles said...

Who schedules exam week to start right after Draft Weekend? I've resigned myself to the fact I will know very little about Geology in time for my Monday morning exam.

Lionel McClure said...

Um, the Simpsons was fantastic through season 9 Drew. Otherwise, very solid post, as usual.

Andrew said...

The Draft is much better on the West Coast.

Why? Coverage starts at 8 a.m. Drinking starts earlier, and by the time the late-1st is done, it's the perfect time for a quick lunch run.

smeos said...

"Who schedules exam week to start right after Draft Weekend? I've resigned myself to the fact I will know very little about Geology in time for my Monday morning exam."

Just do what I do: Read only the chapter summaries and ride the 65% train to Mediocretown.

God, I love football!

DrDoom said...

i agree simpsons are good until season 9.

Big Load said...

At least you all get to watch it.

Living in Australia, ESPN puts on a stupid Italian Seria A soccer game, and don't televise the draft. We're forced to get up at 3am, and follow on the internet. At least you guys get highlights in the 15mins between picks; we just drink more. I rarely see past the 5th pick...

K said...

Season 8 of The Simpsons was godlike.

rstiles said...

This is some funny shit!!!...Great workd