I’m always annoyed when some newspaper has a columnist watch the entire NFL Draft and then file a sarcastic report about how boring it is. You know what? Fuck you. The Draft is an oasis in the middle of the seven excruciating months that is the NFL offseason. Millions of people like it and enjoy it. So suck my balls, Michael Wilbon:
I hate the NFL draft. I realize that saying anything against the draft amounts to blasphemy, but somebody's got to do it. The NFL draft is the most overrated, overhyped, obsessively overcovered non-event in sports. It's a nuisance, made-for-TV-by-TV event for people who couldn't tell a left tackle from a right guard, or zone from man-to-man coverage to save their mamas' lives.
Well, aren’t you just so proud of yourself. Pardon the shit outta me for getting excited about new players coming to my team. Sorry for being a fan. Cockknocker. The NFL Draft rules. You can cheer for your picks, ridicule shitty picks (“With the #3 pick, the Cleveland Browns select Brady Quinn!”), and, most importantly, get drunk. Here’s how I anticipate my weekend playing out.
7:00AM – Awake. Get up to dress and feed The Girl. Let the Mrs. sleep an extra hour or two.
9:00AM – Wake up the Mrs. Have this conversation:
-“You know what today is?”
-(I say nothing)
-“Oh fuck, not that draft thing again.”
11:00AM – Find out the Raiders have signed JaMarcus Russell and paid him a $30 million signing bonus. They’ll still take the full 15 minutes anyway, in hopes that ESPN will talk about the Raiders during that time span. They will not.
12:00PM – The Draft starts. Time for dynamic shots of the draftees! There’s Joe Thomas in a three-point stance! There’s JaMarcus Russell doing his throwing motion without the ball! There’s Gaines Adams giving the camera a murderous stare and saying, “Gaines Adams. Clemson. Bitch.”! That’s called a montage! Oooh, it takes a montage!!!!
12:05PM – Berman: “Annnnnnnnddddd welcome! To the 2007 National Football League Annual Selection Meeting, also known as… THE NFL DRAFT!” Berman laughs at his own “joke”. Everyone laughs with him. Start drinking immediately.
12:10PM – Berman introduces the rest of crew with an overlong, rehearsed spiel for each. Each crew member will laugh at said spiel. Except Kiper. Kiper will smirk and think to himself, “Hey look! Another joke about my hair! Never heard that one! Fat fuck.”
12:10PM – Time for reports straight from the outside war rooms! There’s Ed Werder in Dallas! There’s SalPal in Philly! There’s Michele Tafoya… somewhere! Cut to Suzy Kolber presiding over a “roundtable” of current NFL player/draftniks! Do I see Corey Chavous and Jon Jansen? You bet!
12:14PM – Before the Raiders pick, all of the draft information graphics will be introduced onto my TV screen. The graphics will occupy 85% of the screen. The telecast will cut to commercial just before any important NEW information is displayed. Fuck.
12:15PM – The Raiders take Russell. The ESPN crew talks about the Cowboys for 12 minutes.
12:28PM – Stuart Scott interviews Russell while simultaneously massaging his balls. Russell is baffled by the challenge of trying to make eye contact with Scott. Scott gets in his trademark “athlete fist bump”, giving him the approval from athletes that he so desperately craves.
12:29PM – The crew discusses trade possibilities at the 2 spot that will not come to fruition.
12:30PM – The Lions are ready to pick! Will it be Calvin Johnson? Will it be Brady Quinn? It doesn’t matter, because that fuckface Berman has already ruined the surprise by announcing that Joe Thomas is the pick! Hey Chris, fuck you seven times over!
12:35PM – Bagel
12:45PM – The Browns take Quinn. America has a good laugh. ESPN does a 10-minute, in-depth profile of how sweet a guy Quinn is. They interview his mom, his sister, AJ Hawk, a dying 8-year-old ND fan with an oxygen tube, his Dad, and Charlie Weis. Childhood pictures will play a prominent role. By the end of the telecast, he’ll be an honorary Manning brother.
12:59PM – The Bucs are ready to pick…
1:00PM – Psych! The Bucs trade the pick to the Skins for the Skins’ entire 2008 and 2009 drafts. On Jimmy Johnson’s trade chart, this actually is an “equal” trade. In reality, it is fucking suicide. The Skins get a fresh 15 minutes on the clock. Fuck me.
1:27PM – Waiting for the Vikings to pick…
1:59PM – Still waiting…
2:06PM – Jesus fucking Christ.
2:37PM – The Vikings select Jamaal Anderson. The ESPN crew will not discuss this until five more picks are made and I am on the shitter.
3:12PM – Somehow, seven picks are made within the span of half an hour. I have no clue how. Eat some hummus.
3:41PM – Is it time for a stilted video conference with Jon Gruden? Fuck yeah!
4:23PM – The Giants take Ted Ginn. Eli Manning gets now gets an even speedier receiver to overthrow.
4:24PM – Kiper doesn’t like the pick. “I don’t like the pick, Boom. You got a young, developing quarterback. But he’s already got that big target in Burress. What about your defense? What about replacing Tiki Barber? Let me give you a detailed outline of how the next thirty years will play out for the Giants because of this slapdick pick.”
5:00PM – Masturbate.
5:01PM - Make 22 oz. rum and coke with lime. I put a shitload of lime in there. It’s tremendous. Add some Lay’s potato chips in there and it’s like I’ve masturbated all over again.
5:02PM – Mrs Drew: “Okay, enough. Turn it off.” I turn it off.
6:00PM – Cuba Libre numero dos.
7:30PM – Baby asleep. Turn that shit right back on. Scour to see who the Vikes took in Round 2. ESPN will deliberately withhold the information from me. ESPNews is even worse, and I think Cindy Brunson is dying from severe anorexia. You can see the bitch’s sternum, people. And I don’t even have hi-def.
7:31PM – Flip to the Simpsons. It’s an episode from somewhere beyond season 6. That will not do. Flip back.
8:00PM – Jaws is talking in “I’m on TV!” voice.
8:01PM – Dinner. Who likes pad thai? I do! I do!
8:57PM – Flip back to the Draft. Trey Wingo is talking about shit with Sean Salisbury and Mark Schlereth. Salisbury keeps looking down at his own cock. And that signals an end to my day.
11:00AM – Day 2 is here. Suzy Kolber is your new host! Berman is too busy playing golf with Eddie DeBartolo and eating children.
11:23AM – Time to ignore all the current selections in order to A) Talk about the Cowboys, B) Replay scenes from the previous day, C) Talk to Jerry Jones, D) Replay the draftee montage!
12:07PM – In between talking about the Cowboys, the crew stops to quickly rattle off the past seven draft picks, then goes right back to talking about the Cowboys. They’ll do this repeatedly for the rest of the day. Time for eggs.
6:00PM – And the Draft is over. Was it exhausting? Frustrating? Annoying? Oh yeah. Would I watch it if it were on every week? Fuck and yes. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Wilbon.