Monday, April 23, 2007

Inside the War Room! Pittsburgh Steelers


Leading up to the draft, we’ll be giving you exclusive inside access to the war rooms of various teams across the league. Today: the Pittsburgh Steelers.

[The Steelers new head coach Mike Tomlin retires to bed after a wearying day of draft board analysis and administering Kendall Simmons' Flintstones chewable insulin.]

Mike Tomlin: If I get one more letter written on a Primanti Brothers napkin demanding we draft Paul Posluszny, I'm going to exude quiet confidence in a slightly less cool fashion. Like I imagine Delroy Lindo might if he got gyped on ketchup packets at a Chick-Fil-A.

Maybe there's a possible compromise with Levi Brown. That way, we can drop Max Starks off the Clemente Bridge, and the braying yinzers get their Penn State prospect.

[Tomlin yawns, shuts eyes]

...

...

[Jarring sound of chains rattling]

Tomlin: Ahhh! Fuck! That better not be you again, Colbert. I swear to God, I'll tell the Rooneys to send you back to Detroit.

Apparition: No, it ain't the GM, man.

Tomlin: Oh shit! A ghost! A ghost of a nondescript black man! You're scary because you have higher blood pressure than regular ghosts!

Apparition: I can't believe you don't recognize me.

Tomlin: Beasley Reese?

Apparition: Fuck no, I'm not Beasley Reese. You never heard of Jefferson Street Joe Gilliam. I used to be the quarterback of the team you're now coaching, way back in the '70s.

Tomlin: Oh, right. The Jeffersons were huge in the '70s. That Wheezy was a trip.

Gilliam: Okay. You clearly have no idea who I fuck I am. But you would if the Steelers had kept me as the starting QB like they should have. The Steel Curtain won four rings with a mediocre hick who only had two more career TDs than picks. Who knows how many more they could have gotten with me? That could be my bloated ass during movie scenes in a whirlpool with Kathy Bates.

Tomlin: Okay, maybe you were better than Bradshaw. What does that have to do with me?

Gilliam: You gotta draft a black quarterback. Trade up and get Russell.

Tomlin: But the Steelers already had a black starting QB for five seasons. I mean, shouldn't I just promote Charlie Batch to first string? It's not like Cowher shouldn't have done it at least five different times last year. He did play better than Roethlisberger.

Gilliam: That light-skinned motherfucker? Your white QB is more mobile than he is. And don't try that Kordell Stewart shit on me. That was like Hattie McDaniel winning an Oscar for Gone With the Wind. She only had to play a servant. I'm pretty sure Kordell was servicing Cowher thrice daily. I've been waiting for decades for this team to get a black head coach so the Steelers could get a respectable black QB under center. I had to trade my Super Bowl rings to get crack rocks, man. But because I wasn't starter, I only got two rings. Think of all the rocks I lost out on.

Tomlin: But, see, here's thing and I've given this some thought: a successful black QB would be nice but it's no longer a novel thing in the league. No, I'm implementing the blackest, gay-bashingest defense ever seen in the NFL, Tony Dungy's Tampa 2. For too long, this team and its cavalcade of crusty white defensive coordinators have embraced the wan, soulless 3-4 scheme. Nothing would more subvert the anglocentric status quo than if I took a defensive end like Adam Carriker in the draft, thus changing the beloved defensive set to a 4-3 and imposing a system forged from superior black intellect.

Gilliam: Dungy? I remember hearing about that cat on the Steelers a few years after I left. Smart, smart guy and just about the most harrowing menace to homosexuals I've seen outside of a Joe Gibbs team. I like your thinking, Brother Tomlin.

Tomlin: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Gilliam: AHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Gilliam's ghost slowly dissipates]

Tomlin: Fuck that shit. I'm taking a cornerback. Ike Taylor can eat a decade-rotted dick with extra cajun cocksauce.

21 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Primanti's has napkins?

Wickedmick said...

Maybe it was written on the wax paper they wrap their sandwitches in.
I wonder if Paul has any dogs.....

flubby said...

No love for Terry Hanratty?

blingbling said...

Tomlin: Oh shit! A ghost! A ghost of a nondescript black man! You're scary because you have higher blood pressure than regular ghosts!


I lol'd.

Greg Schuler said...

It's funny because it's true.

Cliff Studt could have been a great black quarterback except for his whiteness and suckitude. And Mark Malone.

Monday Morning Punter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Monday Morning Punter said...

If you get extra helpings of cajun cocksauce, you're just asking for trouble.

Burnsy said...

Does anyone else get blindingly angry at the Fat Head commercials in which Roethlisberger tries to be funny?

J said...

burnsy - every time those come on, I start cursing in streaks, which has been problematic when I'm at the gym - it seems the gentlemen from Boy's Town find the phrase 'cockgobbler' offensive.

Burnsy said...

Seriously, does he think he's funny? Did someone rehearse that with him and say, "You know, maybe you should wiggle your fingers at the camera and ramble on like you're talking to a retarded fifth grader"?

This has ruined my day already.

Fucking stupid Miami of Ohio alumni.

Hardaway Hates Pittsburgh said...

Why does his voice sound like his nuts are in a vice at the end of it?

smeos said...

Terry Bradshaw is the greatest QB ever. Fuck Joe Montana.

Oh, and thanks for the new word. Cocksauce. You guys are like an R rated Sesame Street.

nerditry said...

there would have been one yellow & black giant sticker on my bathroom wall had they promoted it as being the same size as ben's crash-inflated head.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Maybe the Steelers could trade up for Calvin Johnson so they could have another receiver (Heath Miller) waste away as a blocker for Quick Willy Parker.

It's not like Ben R can't get the ball downfield with that glove on his throwing hand.

Didn't this guy grow up in Ohio? Take of the glove sweetheart and throw the ball like a man.

Peter McSheisty said...

@ smeos

Agreed on the Sesame Street, but I would have to go with NC-17 after this

The Bronco love-juice spill at the end gets me hot.

the occasional joo said...

extra cocksauce huh?

save the steagles said...

Another fine post, Ape. Fills me with all sorts of Stiller Pride.

Burnsy, you best back off Miami; there was only so much our fine institution could do for that young man.

Burnsy said...

Actually, it was the best campus of any MAC school I had to cover.

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

You got the wrong Western PA boy the yinzers are pining over.

That would be CB Darrelle Revis out of Pitt.

The only things Steeler fans hate more than Kordell Stewart, are whatever two clowns the Steelers have playing corner in a given year.

Rickey Henderson said...

Oh you dumb bastards who care about football.

Baseball is on you fools, go watch it.

The Destroyer said...

Tomlin: But the Steelers already had a black starting QB for five seasons. I mean, shouldn't I just promote Charlie Batch to first string? It's not like Cowher shouldn't have done it at least five different times last year. He did play better than Roethlisberger.

That's perfect.

Primanti's does, in fact, have napkins. One-ply. Be thankful you don't live within blocks of that place- the smell is worse than you think.