Wednesday, April 25, 2007

KSK Celebrity Draft Analyst: Alec Baldwin

The draft is finally here this week. Hey, nice job making us wait two months longer than is necessary, NFL! I really wanted to wait week after agonizing week until the draft finally showed up on what will inevitably be the nicest day of spring. Asses. This week, we’ll be asking notable celebrities from the world of TV, politics, and more to give us their thoughts on this year’s selection meeting. Next up: actor and model parent Alec Baldwin.


"Hey I wanna tell you draftees something okay, and I wanna leave a message for you right now because again its 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday and once again I've made an ass of myself trying to see you assholes work out at a specific time. When the time comes for me to come see you little fuckers lift weights, or run on turf, or do vertical leaps, or eat as many blueberry pies as you can, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and I grab my short shorts, clipboard, and stopwatch. And I come to the Notre Dame or Ohio State or whatever the fuck it is campus at eleven-o-clock in the morning and you and your pathetic Zionist Jew agent (who probably has no sympathy at all for the plight of the Palestinians) aren’t there and you don't even have your god damn phone turned on. How dare you insult me. I was nominated for an Oscar. You majored in kinesiology. Advantage: Me.

“I want you to know something okay, I'm tired of playing this game with you. Especially you, Alan Branch. Your leg is fucked and I know it. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you, you little shits have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me, you don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being, I don't give a damn if you're 22-years-old, or 23-years-old, or 27-years-old if you went to Oklahoma State, or that you have the mental capacity of a small child like my useless daughter Ireland, or that Jim Tressel is a thoughtless pain in the ass, who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned, you have humiliated me for the last time with this workout, and when I come out there next week, I'm gonna fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue.

“I'm gonna let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. I have a mock draft that I show to everyone that is always at least 22% percent accurate, and you are fucking it up. You have made me feel like shit and you have made me feel like a fool over and over and over again, and this crap you pull on me with this god damn work out situation that you would never dream of doing to Ron Wolf and you do it to me constantly, and over and over again. Fuck you all. I’m not gonna record any more joke answering machine messages for you and your friends. Nor will I do my underrated DeNiro impression for you, nor will I recite any lines from “Glengarry Glen Ross” for you. Kiss my black ass.

“I am gonna get on a plane or I am gonna come out there for the day and I'm gonna straighten your ass out when I see you, do you understand me? I'm gonna really make sure you get it. I’m gonna slim down to my Jack Ryan/”Miami Blues” weight and grab your sorry ass by the lapels and paralyze you with my intense gaze. Then I'm gonna get on a plane and I'm gonna turn around and I'm gonna come home. Then I’m going to make a pasta salad. So you better be ready Saturday, the 28th, to meet with me so I'm gonna let you know just how I feel about what rude little pigs you really are. You are rude thoughtless little pigs, okay. Especially Jamarcus. He’s very piggy."

32 comments:

BeaverFever said...

i'm not sure what makes alec baldwin a worse father, naming his daughter ireland or calling her a pig ?

Jow Thomas is also piggy.

BeaverFever said...

Joe Thomas, not Jow.

SlickBomb said...

"His acting! It's-- It's overpowering!"

Always
Be
Crazy.

devang said...

Kiss my black ass

Well he's as fat as Cartman.

Unsilent Majority said...

One day you'll all look at the world us actors created and say, "wow, good going, fag. You really made the world a better place, didntcha, fag?"

Vanilla said...

"Only one thing counts in this world: get them to sign on the line which is dotted."

The Hoosier Loser said...

"Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids."

I don't care if he beats Ireland with a tire iron, he's still the balls in "Glengarry"

throwbot said...

"We're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired."

DrDoom said...

see you fags are all pussies and sometimes dicks fuck pussies, but kim jong ill is an asshole and dicks also fuck assholes.

Grimey said...

"My beard is scratchy, Brady Quinn... but it gives good back rubs."

sledgod said...

Al Davis will have his pager at the ready for the draft, ready for a call from 1983.

lieutenant winslow said...

You ask me if I have a God complex? Let me tell you something... I am God

Awful Announcing- said...

"I've never quit anything in my life Gaines Adams! Except for Chinese calligraphy, my Theses 2, Kangaroo Anatomy, Toe Photography, Booger sculpture and masturbation. Well, maybe not masturbation but give me a break it's the only thing I'm good at."

....wait, that might have been Stephen Baldwin. F it...it works.

Jeffrey said...

Big Daddy Drew, I'd better watch out if I were you. I think you have some nasty voicemail messages that are coming. Nobody messes with Jack Bauer......oh wait, he was Jack RYAN, never mind then.

devang said...

You ask me if I have a God complex? Let me tell you something... I am God

Nice Malice reference Lt. Winslow. Nicole Kidman actually looked good in that movie.

QueeferSuthrland said...

"You call yourself a lineman you son of bitch?"

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

You know how Brasky served three tours in 'Nam?

Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!

Babydaddy said...

I bet even Ireland was waiting for him to throw in a Glengarry line on that message. "You think I'm fucking with you [Ireland]? I am not fucking with you. You think this is abuse?"

Otto Man said...

I like the GGR and Malice references, but you guys have to get with the times and honor his brilliant work on "30 Rock."

Tracy Morgan: "I'm gonna make you a mix tape of NFL highlights, Alec Baldwin. Do you like the sound of Joe Theesman's leg breaking?"

Alec Baldwin: "I have two ears and a heart, don't I?"

lieutenant winslow said...

beware KSK commentors, Otto Man is no slouch...

He pioneered the concept of ten-second internet sitcoms.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Liz Lemon: Maybe next time you can both have a (scratchy whisper) talking like this contest to see who wins (/scratchy whisper>).

Jack Donaghy: (scratchy whisper>) That's great Lemon, now off with you so I can watch the Rockefeller Center Salute to Fireworks!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA (/scratchy whisper>).

Chopper Dave said...

All I'm saying is: Pie's never free!

J.L. White said...

At this point, Alec Baldwin could call my mom a dirty whore who pleasures neo-nazis for fun, and I'd still think he was the shit. Alec's entertainment career has allowed him to punch his daughter once in the face. After that, then he can be scorned.

Rickey Henderson said...

Alec Baldwin was in "Cat in the Hat" goddamnit. He's earned your resepct and reverence. Rickey out.

My Insignificant Life said...

Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year - Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. Balls.. Tell us about your Balls, Pete.
Pete Schweddy: Well, over at Season's Eatings, we have Balls for every taste. Popcorn Balls, Cheese Balls, Rum Balls.. you name it.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth's watering just thinking about those Balls!
Teri Rialto: It's been years since I've seen any Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out.
[ Pete places a tray of Balls on the control board ]
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls..
Margeret Jo McCullen: They're bigger than I expected.
Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that.

Ben Conant said...

Randal: Is this some sort of gay thing?
Leonardo Leonardo: No.
Randal: You're sure?
Leonardo Leonardo: Yeeees.

Peter McSheisty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peter McSheisty said...

"When You Dish Upon a Star" 10th Season: Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger, Ron Howard guest star

Homer: When was the last time Barbera Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes... where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya! RAY BOLGER... IS LOOKIN' OUT FOR RAY BOLGER!
-------------------------------------
Alec Baldwin: Nobody knows we're in Springfield... and we wanna keep it that way.
Kim Basinger: Will you promise to keep our secret?
Homer: Absolutely if you promise to keep mine!
Alec: Okay.... what is it?
Homer: I can't read.
Kim: But you just read that card from the grocery agency
Homer: I recognized the logo!

Hercules Rockefeller said...

It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard is attached to direct.

Vanilla said...

- What's your name?
- F--k you! That's my name. You know why, mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name.

casserolemistake said...

I masturbate to the Teletubbies.

JMP said...

Well played, Clerks...