Thursday, April 12, 2007

This Is the War Room! The Washington Redskins

"I'll give you the biggest extension you want,
just teach me the ways of the black man!"

Leading up to the draft, we’ll be giving you exclusive inside access to the war rooms of various teams across the league. Today: the Washington Redskins.

Cast of Characters

Vinnie Cerrato: Mr. Snyder I've got our chair set up right over here at the head of the table.

Daniel Snyder: That's good Vinnie, that's very good, but where are you sitting?

Vinnie: I'll be on your lap, sir.

Snyder: Excellent

Eric Schaffer: Mr. Snyder, I need to speak with you.

Vinnie: YAP! YAP! YAP!

Eric: Sir, could we speak in private, Vinnie seems to be biting me.

Snyder: Yeah, it cost me 2 mil but I finally got him trained (maniacal laughter). OK Vinnie, down boy. Who's my good boy? Who's my cuddly little boy?

Eric: Look Mr. Snyder, I've been going over the numbers and if we acquire Asante Samuel, Lance Briggs, and LaDanian Tomlinson we'll never be able to sign JaMarcus Russell and Calvin Johnson.

Snyder: Hey Gimp, is he right about that?

Eric: Mr. Snyder, Coach Gibbs can't respond until you take that ballgag out of his mouth.

Snyder: hehehe. Why'd I do that? I swear I can't remember?

Eric: I believe he violated your "No Jesus-talk in the War Room" rule.

Snyder: That's good, that's very good. But I want those players dammit! Once I have Russell and Johnson I'll be unstoppable!

Gregggg Williams enters, stops to kick Coach Gibbs in the ribs on the way

Snyder: Oh shit, here comes the asshole.

Gregggg Williams: God dammit Mr. Teeny, what's all this shit I'm hearing about Russell and Johnson?!?! I told you ten motherfucking times that I was trading the draft picks for proven commodities like Junior Seau and Ted Johnson.

Snyder: Don't blame me Gregg, I'm with you. It's Coach Gimp and the mathelete. I think your guys have plenty left in the tank.

Gregggg: So what's it gonna be nerdlinger?

Eric: I'm sorry Gregggg but I don't think it would be fiscally responsible to bring those guys in at this advanced point in their respective careers. Junior's retiring and Ted Johnson is concussed beyond the point of no return.

Gregggg calmly rips Eric's heart out of his chest cavity

Gregggg: Just get it done and I'll make it do what it do.

Gregggg Williams exits

Snyder: And they say I'm the difficult one around here!

Louis Riddick: Sir, the secretaries have just finished the shrine you commissioned them to build in your honor. It's ready for your inspection whenever you're ready.

Snyder: Sorry Louis but that's going to have to wait. I've just received a very interesting email on my IPhone. Did you know I had an IPhone? It's not even out yet but they sent me one anyway because I'm big time.

Scott Campbell: Sir, does that fax have anything to do with a potential draft pick?

Snyder: Who the fuck are you?

Scott: I'm your director of college scouting.

Snyder: I didn't even know I had one of those; how much am I paying you?

Scott: Well you only pay me $20,000 a year but somehow I carry a $3,000,000 cap number.

Snyder: We'll have to have our cap guy look into that.

Scott: He's still dead sir. I don't mean to push you but thanks to your shrewd trades we now have the first two picks of the draft.

Snyder: Not anymore. That fax was a trade offer and I just gave up the second pick for our new franchise wide receiver.

Scott: If you wanted a wide receiver we could have just drafted Calvin Johnson!

Snyder: Never heard of him but I like my guy better. He's established and he'll sell that merchandise.

Scott: Sir, who did you trade for?

Snyder: Who else?

photo via the indispensable Extreme Skins

Coach Gibbs lets out mumbled screams of protest/terror

Snyder: Tighten that gag! Now let's hurry up and get JaMarcus' name up to the podium. They're gassing up Redskins One as we speak!

Louis: That won't be necessary Mr. Snyder, he's waiting in the Green Room.

Snyder: Fuck it, let's roll down to Louisianna and pick up his momma!

Louis: She's already at the draft with JaMarcus, there's no need to take the plane.

Snyder: God damn I can't catch a fuckin' break. What about a dog? Does he have a loving dog back home?

Scott: I believe he has two pet goldfish back in Baton Rouge.

Snyder: Wheels up in ten minutes. Oh and before I forget, we need to stop by the cemetary on the way back so I can take a shit on Jack Kent Cooke's grave.


DrDoom said...

raiders next please. THis was great. and does anyone else think that daniel snyder is george with a lot of money?

grungedave said...

"gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!"

Brother Joshua said...

if you weren't a fellow skins fan, um, i'd say a big "fuck you" to what you just wrote. but instead i'm crying because everything you said was true.

and if they draft a qb i'll kill snyder myself.

Mike said...

Are non-Skins fans supposed to know what the hell that was about?

(Or did the Ladies come back for a day to do Dan Snyder as metaphor for flowers and sanitary pads?)

Brother Joshua said...

oh yeah, i changed my name from superfrankielampard.

Unsilent Majority said...

How could you do such a thing? If the Blues lose to Liverpool I'll know who to hunt down.

rdg said...

hahaha mike - probably not but it was dead fucking on.

Oh vinnie cerrato, how useless your input is on DC101's Elliot in the Morning.

Unsilent Majority said...

click the "cast of characters" link up top for a rundown of the Skins front office personnel

Brother Joshua said...

i didn't do it for any reason other than i decided to start an actual blog on here and didn't want to make it just sports-related, which would be kind of necessary if i had named it after an athlete.

this is their year to finally beat the scousers in europe. it'll be an epic chelsea/united final.

eddiebear said...

I'm just waiting for the Rams to draft another useless receiver, another useless D-Lineman or a QB who they are trying to convert into a WR or LB.

Awful Chief said...

As long as Morinho plays Drogba for 90 in all EPL matches for the benefit of my fantasy team I'm fine with that.

Brother Joshua said...

they're trying to make up that 3 points on united. he'll play.

Unsilent Majority said...

I was talking about Champions League.

Brother Joshua said...

i know. so was i, except for the reply to awful chief.

janie said...

Chelski won't get past Liverpool - they only just squeaked through to the semis. At least this is what I'm hoping, otherwise my husband will be crying into his pillow for a week like a big girl instead of paying me attention.

Seeing as I hate to see a grown man cry, I guess I'm backing the Reds in this one, but as a Villan for whom European competition has become a distant memory, I don't really care.

Unsilent Majority said...

Sorry Janie, not everybody gets to play PSV's junior team.

janie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
janie said...

(husband mutters something unrepeatable)

the butler said...

Great photo.

The "He's still dead, sir." line got me.