Thursday, April 5, 2007

KSK Off Topic – In Praise Of Crème Eggs


Easter is this weekend. When I was a kid, my grandma used to put candy in plastic eggs and hide them all around her house in rural Connecticut. If you were lucky, you got the egg with the Miniature Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in it. If you weren’t lucky, you got jellybeans and a nasty case of Lyme Disease. One time I went to some friend’s house for Easter and they had a hunt using real, hard-boiled eggs. That fucking sucked. Who wants an actual egg on Easter? Assholes.

My mom liked putting the candy in little Easter baskets with that shredded cellophane grass inside. I swear I still have some of this grass somewhere on my person today. It was impossible to get off the candy or your hands. If you spilled some on the floor, you may as well have just replaced the thing. I’m assuming Easter baskets today are now lined with FieldTurf. They should be.

I am not a terribly religious person. I knew all about the Easter bunny and candy WAY before someone actually told me that Easter was about Jesus pulling a Meredith Grey and then ascending to the Heavens, wowing audiences all across Judea. As such, my priorities are completely twisted. What’s this Jesus guy doing fucking with the Easter Bunny’s holiday, I’d often think. The Easter Bunny got Easter first, I thought. But this wasn’t actually true. It’s not unlike people forgetting that Go Bots actually came out BEFORE Transformers did. The problem was that Go Bots sucked, so no one gave a shit if they were the pioneers in car-to-robot shape-shifters. Such as it is with Jesus, who gets pushed aside in favor of the Easter Bunny and his pastel-colored Halloween. People can be ruthless like that.

In general, I have a very strong policy against food that is made to look like other food. I think gummi hamburgers are fucking disgusting. I do not like it when someone sculpts marzipan into pigs or hot dogs, or some other shit like that. Circus peanuts terrify me. I like my food to resemble its original incarnation. If you have to make it look like some other food to get me to eat it, that means there’s something wrong with the food in its regular form. And I don’t need that. Not at all.

The one exception to this, without fail, is the Cadbury Crème Egg. Holy fuck are Crème Eggs good. One time I made a strawberry preserve omelet out of them. Amazing. (NOTE: not actually true) Watching the above commercial when I was a kid was pretty much the same as finding Jesus. What? They made an egg OUT OF CANDY? They even gave it a candy yolk? HOLY FUCK, THAT IS A MIRACLE. I had to have one. And, to this day, that same thinking pattern occurs in my brain every Easter.

What I like to do is bite the top off the egg, nibble around the sides, and allow the unholy white egg goo to spill out the side, which I then immediately slurp up like Peter King on Tony Romo. Fucking tremendous. Want to take the whole egg in one bite? I’m cool with that. But I think the goo can get lost on the palate that way. It’s that precious filling that makes the Crème Egg so special, so I do my best to maximize it.

They make Caramel Eggs now. They also make Orange Crème Eggs. These versions are a blasphemy, an affront to worshippers of the one true Crème Egg, and I won’t stand for it. The Easter Bunny wasn’t strung up by the Romans and tortured just so I would have to tolerate the bastardization of the original Crème Egg. Therefore, I propose that all grocery stores carrying these knockoffs be branded as heretics and burned alive.

It’s the only way to get people to remember what Easter is truly all about.

44 comments:

Redhead said...

You just wrote an entire post about the wrong Easter candy - it's all about Peeps this time of year. The person who thought up the sugar covered marshmallow was a genius.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I only like Peeps when they're stale. I may be alone on that.

The Last Unitard said...

The fat boy inside me who refuses to die would like you to know that you and your cadbury egg can go take a flying fuck at a rolling bagel, and feed him the only easter candy that matters: the reese's peanut butter egg.

Also. Peeps are fucking gross.

Rob I said...

I'd say that upwards of 40% of the Peep-consuming population prefers the stale Peep. I, however, prefer my Peeps frozen so when I bite into them, I chip a tooth.

Cadbury eggs are delicious but nasty; they remind me too much of aborted rabbits.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Sometimes I regret being brought up to think of matzo balls as the real treat of the season. Such is the price for murdering the Lord and Saviour, I suppose.

Weed Against Speed said...

I hate to say it, but Peeps and Cadbury Creme Eggs are fucking nasty. I'd rather have the hard-boiled egg.

No offense intended.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Two points:

One, you just compared your childhood eating habits to Peter King's journalism. You might want to go look in the mirror.

Two, when I was a kid, the city hid Cadbury eggs around in the woods behind the Community Center. Oh, by the way, this was Arkansas, and it was an unusually hot Spring. For Arkansas. Nothing says "run like hell from this holiday" like Cadbury eggs streaming with ants.

Redhead said...

rob i may be right about the 40% thing - I know a lot of people who like their Peeps stale. They're all wrong of course, but still...

Burnsy said...

First thing that came to my mind: "Thank God he didn't mention Peeps."

Alas, the comments. You like Peeps? How about I take a sugar cane dump in your mouth? They're disgusting.

Jesus rules!

grungedave said...

BDD - *not* a member of the Hare Club for Men

Ryan said...

Cadbury Eggs rule, so do Peeps, as do the Go Bots, though I concede, not even fucking close to the Transformers.

Hawkins said...

http://shmivejournal.livejournal.com/125746.html

Cadbury Egg Cake experiment

BeaverFever said...

cadbury creme eggs rock, and the cadbury chocolate eggs with the hard candy shell are a close second.

peeps stink.

Captain Caveman said...

I loved the Go-Bots AND Tranformers.

I prefer hard-boiled eggs to any candy, but then I was never a chubby kid like Drew. That's why I'm all twisted steel and sex appeal today.

Also: it was revealed on Conan last night that Cadbury has DECREASED the size of its eggs this year. I might care if I liked the eggs.

Redhead said...

AND you can make a Peep explode in the microwave - a Cadbury Egg would just melt. What's cool about that?

OK, I really have to get back to work now.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I triple dog dare you to try to eat 4 cadbury eggs at once - just stuff them in one at a time.

I saw a kid try it when I was about 10 - he exploded from sugar overload. True story.

Wormfather said...

Hey BDD, I dont know how your going to take this, but. Down on W12th there's a place called A-Salt & Battery...they have deep fried cream eggs during easter.

That's where I found Jesus, Mohamad and Moses at the same time.

Eh, I just spooged.

amerikanidle19 said...

Don't know if any of you saw Conan last night, but B.J. Novak from the office was on and he was talking about how much he liked the cadbury creme eggs too. but he said that they were smaller this year and actually had the 2 different sized eggs to prove it. but according to the cadbury website, they haven't gotten smaller, we've just gotten bigger.

http://www.cadburyschweppes.com/EN/Brands/FAQs/detail.htm?ID=%7b4BE2269D-817D-4018-9586-72643DCE1012%7d

Jez said...

Creme eggs are okay
Peeps suck
And pretty much any combination of chocolate and peanut butter trumps any other kind of candy out there. Hands Down.

Danny G said...

F*ck Easter, can you post more pics of Jessica Alba's ass?

janie said...

It's true - Cadbury have been decreasing the size of their creme eggs for years. I loved the damn things when I was a kid but years of living in Bournville right next to Cadbury, and endless school trips round the factory (where they let you sample everything free) makes you pretty sick after a while.

Also at the factory, they have actual cars shaped like big creme eggs. i thought this was cute until I had kids. Try explaining to a two year old that their favourite chocolate isn't chasing them and trying to run them down.

They also have Oompa Loompas.

devang said...

What's a peep. Seriously I have no idea

Josh said...

For the past few years I've contemplated stockpiling these delicious little bastards right after Easter (when they're marked down), so that I can happily consume them all the year 'round, cuz they're a bitch to find outside of Feb-April. Then again, the possibility of year-long egg consumption may detract from the limited-time-only excitement of the eating experience. Plus I'd probably gain 20 lbs.

BeaverFever said...

@devang, you really don't know what a peep is ? hard to believe. but trust me you aren't missing out on anyhting great.

save the steagles said...

Oh man, Cadberry Cream eggs are a gift from God. They are truly fitting for Easter. These things are my one true weakness. I impulse buy them at every register I go through this time of year because I know I have to savor them before Jesus takes them away and ascends into heaven with them.

Burnsy said...

A Peep is a little piece of Satan's stool. It's shaped like a little chick (not the good kind) and it's usually pink or yellow. It's pure sugar, which should be good, but it tastes like a sock.

evan said...

Je-sus?

All I know is that no one here gets to enjoy the bounty of the season like we do during Passover!

If we want chocolate, it has to surround an inedible cardboard wafer that tastes just like suffering or rasberry jelly rings. Other than that, sugar coated candy fruit slices.

Wait, didn't this Je-sus like Passover too?

Signal to Noise said...

+1 the last unitard. The creme egg takes a backseat to the chocolate and peanut butter one.

Peeps are vile, nasty, disgusting pieces of sugar that give candy a bad name.

mmmm beefy said...

Peeps Suck
Cream Eggs suck

Give me some damn Russel Stover Peanut Butter smidgens any day

it is like a party in my mouth...

a party with strippers

SuperFrankieLampard said...

the cadbury chocolate eggs are like the black jesus, except you're not as likely to find pictures of the eggs at my local flea market.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Nobody quite knows sweets like you, Drew. Some would interpret that as mildly 'faggy' or 'fagging out' or what have you...but not I.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

As for Transformers vs Go Bots...come on...the only reason ANYONE watched Go Bots was because it was on in the morning before school and it was mildly entertaining to watch while you sleepily put your clothes on and drank the cafe con leche that mommy would bring to you.

Oh, that's just my mama's boy ass, huh?

devang said...

@beaverfever. Moved to the US of A when I was 15. Missed out on all the festivities as a kid. I still haven't gotten around to see the Wizard of Oz.

Otto Man said...

+1 the last unitard. The creme egg takes a backseat to the chocolate and peanut butter one.

Agreed. That Reese's egg was always the alpha and omega of Easter candy in our house.

Peeps are disgusting. It's like they rolled styrofoam in sugar.

Unsilent Majority said...


It’s the only way to get people to remember what Easter is truly all about.


Stealing Passover?

Ha! we hide matzoh and nothing tastes better than that!

wrecking_ball said...

Cadbury Eggs? No.
Peeps? Hell no.
Reese's PB Eggs? YES. (Good call, Unitard)
Go Bots? Yes.

No love for Whoppers' Robin Eggs? C'mon, folks (I resisted the urge to refer to you as "peeps").

Awful Chief said...

I just escaped from a flea market. The best part about a Cadbury Eggs is how you can feel it going directly to your pours.

Signal to Noise said...

UM - One of the co-workers brought in chocolate-covered matzoh and I realized the taste really hadn't improved since the last time I observed Passover as a teenager.

Unsilent Majority said...

That's what flourless chocolate cake is for.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Doesn't Jessica Alba's ass remind you of 2 Cadbury Eggs that you just want to munch on?

Signal to Noise said...

+1 pirate sloth.

Mikki said...

The thought of you with a load of white goo in your mouth is totally hot.

Mike said...

UM beat me to it, but I was wondering what all this goyische holiday shit was about.

Creme eggs? Pass the charoses.

You ain't dined religiously in April 'til you supped on those bitter herbs, bitchez.

KillBillWirtz said...

What I like to do is bite the top off the egg, nibble around the sides, and allow the unholy white egg goo to spill out the side

Was this supposed to sound homosexual?