Wednesday, April 4, 2007

The Giant Robot Spider Stays In The Picture


Having spent a considerable portion of last season cultivating his Hollywood ties, during the offseason Dan Snyder has quietly begun production of a big budget film in hopes of diverting attention from his usual attempts at capsizing the Redskins with costly and foolhardy signings coupled with the wasting of draft picks. Some sensitive internal dialogue has surfaced from within Red Zebra Films that may shed light on how a his management style translates to moviemaking:

Red Zebra accountant: Mr. Snyder, if I may have a moment...

Dan Snyder: Yeah, sure, what is it?

Nameless Yes Man: We're very busy.

RZ: Mr. Snyder, I must warn you that we are woefully overbudget with this project.

DS: What budget? I'm producing, marketing and distributing this movie myself.

NYM: We got final cut and shit.

RZ: That may be true, sir, but you are certainly making some unnecessary expenitures.

DS: Such as?

RZ: Sir, you paid Anna Paquin $6 million NOT to appear in the movie.

DS: I didn't want that minx nosing around the set.

NYM: Rogue had a bad accent. Er, I mean, Rogue is bad news.

RZ: You've cast three different actresses for the leading role, paying each $20 million and interchanging them on different days of shooting.

DS: I'm trying some artsy shit. It worked for Luis Bunuel, right?

RZ: One of them is Elizabeth Taylor.

DS: Yeah, so? Isn't she an acclaimed actress of immense talent? She's won two Oscars. Good is good is always good.

RZ: She hasn't appeared in a movie in 13 years and that was the live action Flintstones movie. She's an incoherent, bloated husk of her former self.

DS: We can fix all this in post-production.

RZ: Another is Adam Archuleta in a weave.

DS: I had to get something out of that asshole.

RZ: Sir, you're filming a heist flick inside Fort Knox perpetrated by the Olympic ski team, a band of horny high school friends and a serial killer.

DS: But our focus groups show...

RZ: And the movie ends with 10 minutes of stock footage of air shows.

DS: That stock footage cost me a ton. Expensive means good, right? I put stock in my footage.

RZ: ....

DS: With a dry, cool wit like that I could be an action hero.

RZ: What?

DS: Huh?

RZ: We also have the matter of this zeppelin that you also invested millions in.

DS: We have this awesome scene where it crashes into a forest.

NYM: People love 'splosions. BOOM! 'SPLOSION!

DS: And the spreading flames kill a bunch of cheapskates walking from a free parking lot to a stadium.

RZ: And how to you propose to fit all that into the plot? The entire movie takes place inside Fort Knox.

DS: Some character can be standing by a window when the zeppelin explodes.

NYM: Totally seamless.

RZ: Fine. It's your movie. But I would strongly advise you to do something about the title.

DS: What's wrong with "Mexican Standoff at Tarbaby Hill"?

NYM: We already made the lunch boxes.

RZ: I think we run the risk of offending some key demos.

DS: People don't like hills, do they? I knew I should have made it Tarbaby Flats!

RZ: Can I just get my check now?

28 comments:

I rape red sox fans said...

Not enough zepplins in today's cinema. This might actually be pretty good, even though Anna Paquin's not in it.

Do they have a working title?

Mike said...

Well done.

But with Liz Taylor and a Zeppelin, it sounds like a bit of redundancy.

Burnsy said...

Is "Mexican Standoff at Tarbaby Hill" the sequel to "Taste the Golden Spray"?

CLARE. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CLARE. said...

"Cet obscur objet du désir"?! For reals?

Sometimes I love you meatheads.

Otto Man said...

With a dry, cool wit like that I could be an action hero.

"Die, bad robots! Die!"

Signal to Noise said...

No Anna Paquin? Please, that's where Snyder went wrong in the first place.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

Awful Chief said...

It worked for Luis Bunuel, right?

and Todd Solondz

Christmas Ape said...

Happiness was the last Solondz film I'm willing to acknowledge.

Awful Chief said...

Hopefully Life During Wartime will come close to Happiness.

Permanent4 said...

DS: That's "KICK! SPLODE!", you moron.

NYM: Yes, sir. "KICK! SPLODE!"

Jez said...

Wow, that was a great job of putting Snyder's head in that picture. What did you use to do that? Microsoft Paint from the Windows 3.1 version?

Otto Man said...

Ugh, I hated Happiness. Maybe it was the fact that I saw it on the Upper West Side, in a theater full of ultahip people who thought the pedophilia scenes were high comedy. No thanks.

CSG said...

"Sir, you're filming a heist flick inside Fort Knox perpetrated by the Olympic ski team, a band of horny high school friends and a serial killer."

That's downright Bruckheimerian.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Your head a-splode!

flubby said...

Wow, that was a great job of putting Snyder's head in that picture. What did you use to do that? Microsoft Paint from the Windows 3.1 version?


What part of the "bad MS Paint" tag do you not understand?

Mayor McRib said...

You can bet that if Dan Snyder is involved, this movie won't even make it to theaters. He will charge you to wait in line and Sanders will make a cameo appearance as a cornerback.

Ruthless Gravity said...

mayor mcrib-

I beg to differ....He'll buy up AMC, jack up the prices across the board, and only buy fucking films you don't want to see.

devang said...

...And if your head s-plodes in dark forebodes tunes, i'll see you on the dark side of the moon

Sorry, couldn't resist.

WV predu - a direct descendant on Xenu.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I gotta channel Robert Evans for a second:

Crazy plot? You bet! Huge success? You know it. Caviar at the premiere? By the gallon!

devang said...

"Mexican Standoff at Tarbaby Hill"

What Injuns Overrun Wetback Mountain was taken already?

Danny G said...

We're shutting down production.
Yeah, well, we only have $1000 left anyway.
Uh, there's a $1000 leaving town tax.

Otto Man said...

BDD, ever hear Patton Oswalt's take on Evans' ESPN commercials? Priceless.

"Stop your belly-aching, Buck Rogers! It's just a diver's watch."

peb said...

I can't believe the Red Zebra accountant wasn't shortened to RZA. Wu-Tang Foreva!

bloomerang said...

Holy shit, Ape. A Bunuel reference on KSK? My head hurts harder than the last time I watched Un Chien Andalou. Zing!

Lou Pickney said...

While Snyder rubs me the wrong way, I do enjoy the fact that he dubbed his trimulcast sports talk stations in the DC area as "Triple-X ESPN Radio."

J-Red said...

92-7 west, 94-3 east, and 730 am ALLLLL OOOOOVVVVERRRR D.CEEEEEEEE. You hear that in your sleep don't you?

Luckily KSK saved some drama by not revealing the third $20M star. It's Joe Thiesmann, coming off the success of his "Life Insurance Commercials in RFK Stadium" series.