Friday, April 27, 2007

Better Know A Draft Pick: Adrian Peterson















Name: Adrian "Gap Filler" Peterson

Height: Tall

Weight: Svelte

Fleet of Foot?: Walks on water--and it's not a trick.

Hometown: Palestine (/...backs away slowly...), Texas (/runs for life)

Urine Sample: High levels of old lady calcium chocolates

Stool Sample: CHUNKY!

Criticisms: He's no Adrian Peterson

Mainstream Comparison: Shaun Alexander? My ass! If anything he's like Deuce McAllister when he came out. They have the same size, same upright style, and same health concerns (for the record I thought Deuce was the best player in that draft...stupid LT). Sorry to go all analytical on you right there, let me make it up to you with a picture of a pinup on a donkey.

KSK Comparison: Charles Rogers

Adrian's Comparison: "I would say LT, just as far as vision and cuts and how he runs the ball." (ed. note: [cough]BULLSHIT[/cough])

Who's Interested: Radiologists everywhere

Who Will Take Him: Buzzsaw. Why? Why the fuck not, that's why.

Ambition: Double last year's income; overcome vertigo.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He was soooo good four years ago!

Immediate Impact: I kid around but he's a fucking stud. Seriously, he fucks horses for money.

Down the Road: Crippling arthritis

NOTE: To prepare you for the draft, we're having a light bukkake day today. So stick around for multiple posts.

18 comments:

Otto Man said...

Hometown: Palestine (/...backs away slowly...), Texas (/runs for life)

Check and mate. Well played.

Andrew (JUhS) said...

Hell yeah Unbreakable. Best M. Night movie, hands down.

Wormfather said...

"He fucks horses for money"

Nice! But if he fucked cows I'd be more impressed. I like beef...

Jackin'4Beats said...

Avian bone syndrome. So that explains it. Why didn't I think of that before?

He's gonna make Fragile Fred look like Jim Brown this season.

MDG said...

I always enjoy a little light bukkake on a friday

Robocats said...

Shockingly, this is the first post with the label "avian bone syndrome". What are the odds?

Rob I said...

Bigger cunt: Bianca or Kim Basinger?

Discuss.

Tracer Bullet said...

No, the story ESPN will force upon the viewing public is the tragedy that Peterson's father, a standout athlete himself, only got to see one of his son's college games because he was serving time. What they will fail to mention is that Nelson Peterson is not Nelson Mandela. Mandela unjustly went to prison for oppsoing a corrupt and racist government. Peterson went to prison for laundering drug money and deserved to fucking be there.

Unsilent Majority said...

and deserved to fucking be there

I've yet to hear otherwise.

the butler said...

Browns fans...


Lose - Lose situation (Quinn vs. Peterson)

Just go for Calvin Johnson...

Jackin'4Beats said...

The best case scenario is for the Redskins to tade there whole draft "Saints Style" to move for Brady Quinn.

Then and only then will the faithful inhabitants of the DC/MD/VA metroplex realize that Daniel Snyder is absolutely out of his freakin' mind.

That and the drugs he takes to help him grow a little bit each day.

Sorry UM...

Jackin'4Beats said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jackin'4Beats said...

trade not tade

Great, just great.

Awful Chief said...

Who's Interested: Radiologists everywhere well done, sir.
Got any draft related props you would like to recommend to the wagering community?

wv: skkru

twoeightnine said...

Pinups riding donkeys? You have some sick fucks there in Georgetown.

Chopper Dave said...

Not looking forward to hearing Berman call him "Yo! Adrian Peterson" 40 times tomorrow...

mamacita said...

@ rob i:

Would Kim Basinger eat at Arby's? I think not. Advantage: Bianca

margaret said...

What followed that AD clip may have been my favorite - "why am I not going underwater? Dear god, why am I not going underwater??"