Name: Adrian "Gap Filler" Peterson
Fleet of Foot?: Walks on water--and it's not a trick.
Hometown: Palestine (/...backs away slowly...), Texas (/runs for life)
Urine Sample: High levels of old lady calcium chocolates
Stool Sample: CHUNKY!
Criticisms: He's no Adrian Peterson
Mainstream Comparison: Shaun Alexander? My ass! If anything he's like Deuce McAllister when he came out. They have the same size, same upright style, and same health concerns (for the record I thought Deuce was the best player in that draft...stupid LT). Sorry to go all analytical on you right there, let me make it up to you with a picture of a pinup on a donkey.
KSK Comparison: Charles Rogers
Adrian's Comparison: "I would say LT, just as far as vision and cuts and how he runs the ball." (ed. note: [cough]BULLSHIT[/cough])
Who's Interested: Radiologists everywhere
Who Will Take Him: Buzzsaw. Why? Why the fuck not, that's why.
Ambition: Double last year's income; overcome vertigo.
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He was soooo good four years ago!
Immediate Impact: I kid around but he's a fucking stud. Seriously, he fucks horses for money.
Down the Road: Crippling arthritis
NOTE: To prepare you for the draft, we're having a light bukkake day today. So stick around for multiple posts.