Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Ladies... Open Mic

The following post is one of two written by the Ladies... blog as the result of an ill-considered wager on our part. For actual KSK content that does not attract bears, feel free to click elsewhere on the site.

In which each of the Ladies... are given free reign for a column yard or so to freewheel on whatever pops into our pretty little heads!

To lead off we have this gem of a short film constructed especially for the occasion by cyberspace's own TheStarterWife:









J-Money's Arts and Crafts Cozee Corner:

OK, readers, get out your glue guns because it's time for Arts and Crafts. Today we'll be making slippers out of maxi pads, which some of you may recognize as being the super-absorbent items that show up in your girlfriend's shopping cart every month, frequently accompanied by a half pound bag of JellyBellys, the director's cut of
Hope Floats, and an irrational crying jag.

First, let's make sure that you've found the right supplies under your girlfriend's sink:
If it's small, cottony, and looks like it has a fuse, it's a tampon.
If it's pillowy and looks like something the National Guard stacks beside riverbanks, it's a maxi pad.
If it's pink, fluffy and adorned with a picture of the Pink Panther, it's a roll of insulation and you should probably grab your toothbrush and get the hell out.

Now that you've found the maxi pads, let's get started. You'll need four of them to make a pair of slippers unless you're dating Heather Mills and two will be sufficient.

Take two pads and lay them side by side. This is where she'll put her feet. Next, take two more pads and wrap one around each of the footbeds, close to the end. Secure them with the glue gun. And you're almost finished! Let's jazz them up and decorate them with pom poms, rhinestones, or cigarette butts. There. Doesn't it feel good to makes something with your own two hands? Something elegant in its simplicity, that looks classy whether she's out with friends, at the office, or wondering when you learned how to Bedazzle.




Coming next month: Tampon Ceiling Fan Pulls,
The Lake House, and why don't you ever say I'm pretty anymore?



Selecting the Perfect Nail Polish to Wear to the Ballpark: A Texas Gal Guide

You've got your pink [insert your favorite team] logo ballcap, your snazzy rhinestone tee, your dangly baseball earrings and your cute little matching flip flops all ready to go. You're going to be the cutest girl in the whole ballpark! But what nail polish should you wear? This is a crucial decision, one that must be made with the utmost of care. Choose wisely: your whole painstakingly constructed ensemble hinges on this.

April - Pale Pink

You're so fresh and spring-y in that pale pink- just like the [insert your favorite team]. They're gonna win it all this year, you know. Pale pink says, "I'm a good girl. I won't go to second base with you just because you bought me a beer... but I'll consider it." Make the boys work for it, girls!


May - Hot Pink

It's hot outside, and so are you. Get summer started a little early with some snazzy hot pink on your nails. Even though it might clash with the [insert your favorite team] colors, it doesn't matter- you're wearing your pink [David Wright/Chase Utley/Grady Sizemore/other local hot guy] shirt, anyway. Isn't he just the dreamiest!


June - Coral

We're all the way into summer now, and it's time to show off that tan you've perfected after hours of meticulous oiling and flipping at just the right time. Orange may be fine for dirty, gross boys - but a lady wears coral. Why not go crazy and paint a little white daisy on one nail? That's SO very. Don't forget your sunscreen: ballpark tans are for nerds.

July - Neutral

Ugh. It is too hot outside. Who wants to go sit out in the hot sun and watch sports? Not you! Brush on a neutral shade- that's all you'll need. Just find your seats sometime during the second inning (don't worry- all those people on your row don't mind moving while the ball's in play), hang out for 10 minutes, and then head back up to the shade and grab one of those neat-o frozen daiquiris. That'll beat the heat!

August - Berry

Is baseball STILL on? Make the best of it with a great berry color that's a great mix of summer and fall. And now's the time to use those nails to give a sexy "come-hither" motion to one of those boys that's been eyeing you at the ballpark all summer. Give him a quick kiss when you go to buy peanuts, and road-test him before taking him home. Tee-hee!

September - Red

What the fuck. How can it be goddamn September already? Shit, that means the team only has a few weeks left to claw themselves out of that fucking hole they've dug for themselves. Maybe they can borrow some of my red nail polish for the job- red like the blood of [insert your hated rival]. Thanks for nothing, shitty bullpen. And the same goes for all you non-productive assholes at the plate. Can we get just a little bit of offense please? Who the hell cares, they're gonna dry up in the stretch, anyway.

October - Mauve

Where was I? Oh, yes- autumn has arrived and thank goodness [insert your favorite team] scheduled their last game of the regular season to fall in October... it gives you the perfect chance to show off that gorgeous mauve color. The mood in the ballpark might be down, but tell those grumpy gus-es to lighten up: there's always next year!

SA says, "Do you know what the greatest thing ever is?"

"Sanrio."

You didn't read that wrong. Sanrio is the greatest thing ever, better than roses, hula hoops, and Mountain Dew.

Ok, maybe not Mountain Dew, but damn close. Who doesn't love a company that brings joy to four-year-olds and 40-year-olds alike? And gives you the chance to get their own credit card? How do you not like the fact that you can get televisions and sandwich makers with that Hello Kitty face on it? Have you ever tried the Sanrio bubble gum? To do my own Dan Shanoff impression: Greatest. Gum. EVER.

And in tribute to that great company so many love, I'm giving you the five greatest Sanrio characters ever produced by the company. Ok, let me restate that-my five favorite Sanrio characters ever produced. And when you get to know these characters and see their cute little faces, there is no WAY you'll be able to resist getting a stuffed character of your own.

Hello Kitty


How can I not start with the Queen of the Sanrio empire? Hello Kitty was born in 1974 in London with the name Kitty White to parents George and Mary. She has a twin sister named Mimmy and a boyfriend Dear Daniel. Her best friends are Tracy, Cathy, and Fifi. Her favorite subjects in school are English and Music, among others, and she loves traveling. Oh, and her image is on everything from food, video games, and jewelry, to crop circles and Ferraris. And she is responsible for half of Sanrio's $1 billion revenue sales.

Badtz-Maru

Also called Bad Badtz-Maru, B-M was born in Hawaii on April Fool's Day in 1993. His family include (in various colors): Mama, Papa, Bad Twins (younger brothers), and Bad Tsunko (younger sister). He lives in Gorgeoustown and goes to Gorgeous Academy. His friends are Pandaba and Hana Maru and he also has a pet alligator. Badtz (Batsu) in Japanese means wrong and is represented with an X; Maru mean correct and is shown with an O. With that, you'll usually see the character with the markings XO around him. Badtz-Maru is marketed towards both males and females, one of the few Sanrio characters that are. He was the official mascot of the 2006 FIBA Basketball World Championships.

Pochacco


He's known as "the hip pup" and that's really all you need to know. But because I know you want to know more about him, Pochacco was born in Uguisu Yokocho (Nightingale Lane) on February 29, 1989. The only problem with that is 1989 was a leap year so there was no February 29. Which means that more likely he was born in 1988. But we don't let silly facts like leap years deter us from loving this cute canine. He has lots of friends (too many to name), and loves sports. He's an avid soccer and basketball player. He lives in many places (it really determines which market Sanrio is selling him to) including Brazil and New York City. And he's a vegetarian.

Keroppi




Also known as Kero-kero-keroppi, Keroppi was born in 1987. His family's name is Hasunoue, which means "on the lily pad." His mother Keroma owns a restaurant while his father Keroppa is a doctor that can cure anyone. He is part of a triplet with his sister Pikki who helps their mother at the restaurant and Koroppi, whom everyone mixes up with Keroppi. He is called Curtis in North America. Like Hello Kitty, Keroppi has a significant other, a girlfriend named Keroleen whose a natural peacemaker. His best friend is Ganta, who can transform himself into a rock. Also like Hello Kitty, Keroppi has several video games out.

Pekkle


Damn you Sanrio for discontinuing Pekkle. Nevertheless, he is still one of my favorites. He was born on July 27, 1989 and hails from Australia. He excels in singing and dancing and can be found doing both those activities frequently. He loves to surf and is very loyal, particularly to his girlfriend Ruby. He would like to be a lifeguard, but has some trouble swimming. Although he appears to be lazy, he's just very laid-back.

So there you go: my five favorite Sanrio characters. Which means they are the five greatest Sanrio characters ever. Now go forth and get started on your own collection of Sanrio characters.




Bridezillas-to-be, listen up to Lady Clare:

An article in the April 9 edition of the Wilmington News-Journal tells of the discovery of a box of well-preserved prom flowers from 1967. Bearing the imprint of the now-defunct Penny Hill Flower Shop, the box and its contents were found on the muddy banks of the Christina River during a routine community clean-up. The flowers -- a corsage trimmed with powder blue netting and a rhinestone heart and a boutonnière to match -- had been meticulously saved in the white cardboard florists' box, and were clearly a treasured keepsake of the young woman to whom they were given.

If this is how reverently women treat an orchid corsage from a pimply teenage boy who probably snuck gin into her punch and tried to put his hand up her dress on the dance floor, imagine how important a woman's wedding flowers are.

That's where I come in.



Your author, doing finishing work on a bouquet of pink cymbidium orchids.

For as long as I've been able to push a broom, I've worked in a flower shop in suburban Philadelphia. My aunt, the owner of the shop, has been in business for 28 years, and I've been answering phones, scrubbing flower buckets, taking orders, making $10 bunches, getting coffee, stuffing envelopes and the previously mentioned broom pushing -- basically everything except design -- ever since I was old enough to make myself useful (i.e., for the past six months.)

The order-taking has been the most consistently interesting part of my job. I've taken orders for people commemorating every stage of life: from new babies to ballet recitals to high school and college graduations, from first jobs to new jobs to retirements. I've taken family orders for funerals, which never get any easier, no matter how many you do.

But the orders I like most of all -- and that I never get to take -- are the wedding orders. They're fun because they get special appointments on Saturday afternoons, they have special order sheets, and we have special sample books we keep stashed away just for the brides. Wedding appointments are always a cheerful, exciting event -- everyone is in such an enthusiastic mood when a bride comes in for her appointment. I even enjoy when the brides I hate come in, because it gives me an opportunity to make fun of her bad taste or rotten attitude.



Ew!

So how do you become a florist's favorite bride and not one of the ones I might have called a c-u-next-Tuesday as soon as she's out of the shop? Here are a few guidelines:

Bring...stuff. We like having lots of material at our fingertips when you order the wedding flowers. Photos and samples of your dress, your girls' dresses, the venue, the church or synagogue, the invitations -- to say nothing of clips from those phone book-size wedding magazines -- all provide a jumping-off point for us to design your flowers. A color, a piece of lace, even the architecture of your reception hall help guide us toward the best flowers for your event.

Think seasonally.
As in food, flowers that are in season are more beautiful than ones that aren't. There are some exceptions to this rule (you can generally get nice-looking roses, orchids or carnations year-round) but if you want calla lilies in August, for example, you're going to pay through the nose for them, and they're going to look like shit.


This bridesmaid's bouquet for a September wedding is made of local mini mango callas, red hypericum berry, green pittosporum, and silver seeded eucalyptus. The handle is wrapped with rust satin-edge organza ribbon. Very chic.

Be flexible. Nobody wants your flowers to look nice more than your florist does. After all, she has a boatload of potential customers at your wedding. So if she suggests a different style bouquet or flower for your or your girls' bouquets, don't take it personally. How many times have you gotten married? And really, be reasonable. You, your dress, and your flowers all need to be in proportion to one another. If, for example, you're chubby and you insist on wearing a big fluffy meringue of a gown, a single rose with a bow is not going to look right against all...that. (N.B., I can say this because I am a) in the biz and b) chubby.)

Don't cheap out. Wedding work is extremely labor-intensive. You're not just paying for the flowers, you're paying for lots of little fiddly work, too. We will not be offended if you tell us up front that you're getting estimates for your flowers. Three estimates are best. A good rule of thumb is to plan on spending $250 for the bride, and then another $150 per bridesmaid. If we do give you a quote, though, please have the courtesy to tell us if you've decided to go with another florist.


Recently, the children of some of my aunt's first weddings have been coming in to order their wedding flowers. It's always fun to reminisce with them -- some of their mothers and fathers have known my aunt since they were in grade school together -- and my aunt has incredible recall for detail about her customers' lives.


And they give those of us who work in the back of the shop lots of material for discussion.
lots of material for discussion.



Metschick's Super-Secret Sure-Fire Can't-Fail Game Night Party Recipe

It's game night. What's that mean? It means it's time for the wimmen folks to get busy in the kitchen! Today, I'll show you what a real women does for GAME TIME.
1. Several hours before game time, head to the grocery store. Make sure you stock up on goodies: Tostitos chips (I love the hint of lime ones), salsa (mild - I'm a wimp), Ruffles chips, French onion dip, and soda (if you're hosting, be considerate and get a few diet and some Sprite). I never get sweets for games, because that's just weird.

2. Go the liquor store. Pick up beer. Lots and lots of cold beer. (The Metschick household is partial to Corona and Presidente - we're Latinos, that's as much as we know about beer.)

3. Once home, put the beer and soda in the fridge. Arrange the chips on platters and the salsa and dip in bowls, so as to look appealing to the eye. Set out a few bottle openers for the beers.

4. Pop open a beer and grab a chip.

You guys didn't think I actually knew how to cook, did you?! Let's say that my skillz in other areas excuse the fact that I don't know how to cook... at least that's what I've been told.



Lady Andrea's Most Sportingest Night EVAH!

My years of being a sports fan have forced me through the gamut of emotions. I've screamed at gruesome injuries, laughed at bloopers, rolled my eyes at commentators and even had one basketball game that left me in shaking, body-wracking sobs of disappointment. However, when your team is winning, there is nothing like it. The highest of the highs. As you may know, I'm a St. Louis Cardinals fan. And while the World Series was awesome, I spent most of it watching at home in my room with only my DUAN friends around to share it with. That was fun in its own right, but it just didn't live up to October 19th, 2006.

The real magic of the 2006 post-season for me was the 7th game of the NLCS. I was in NYC that week visiting a friend and I dragged her out every night to watch the games. The day of game 7, I read on Deadspin that some Cardinals fans were gathering at Dewey's Flat Iron at 26th and 5th. I didn't know any of them but I thought it would be fun to watch the game with some fellow fans. I headed down there alone about 45 minutes before the game started (my friend Diana was held up at work) and sat down, taking off my coat to reveal my blue retro Cardinals jersey. I ordered a beer and some food and then a guy from the bar, who I had noticed noticing my shirt earlier, came over and asked me if I was there from Deadspin. He had funny-looking bangs and was wearing a leather jacket. I don't recall his name.

As the start time grew closer, more fans filtered in until we had about 25 people. Introductions were made but hell if I can remember anyone's name. We barely exchanged information; nobody cared what anybody did for a living or where we were from or how we become Cardinals fans. All that mattered was that we all
were Cardinals fans. The Mets drew first blood, but the Cardinals responded right back and the game stayed knotted at 1-1 for 7 innings. In the 6th inning it looked like St. Louis was about to take a 2-run lead with a Rolen homer, but Chavez's unbelievable catch over the wall took all the air out of the place. We all thought that was our chance and the body language of everyone grew increasingly somber.

In the ninth inning, Rolen got things started with a hit and the most unlikely of heroes stepped to the plate. Catcher Yadier Molina drilled a 2-run homer to give the Cardinals a 3-1 lead. I don't remember much except the feeling of complete elation. All my hope was restored. The monster hug I received from Leather Jacket Guy propelled me back into the brick wall, slice opened my arm and I bled all over my jersey. The blood is still there and I have a scar on my elbow, but it was totally worth it.

In the bottom of the 9th, things got pretty intense. The first two batters reached and all of the Cards fans were standing and pacing. Wainwright managed to get a strike out and a fly-out, but then loaded the bases for one of the most dangerous post-season hitters. I remember holding hands, a girl whose name I can't recall on one hand and Leather Jacket on the other. When Wainwright got the called 3rd strike, it became pandemonium. I was picked up, hugged, kissed, twirled about, sprayed with champagne. The debauchery continued late into the night. An interesting sidenote is that the two non-Cardinals fans who got dragged along hit it off that night and have been dating ever since. For me, that night was amazing. The group of us came together for one night to be a family of Cardinals fans. This was hands down the best sporting night of my life.





Holly's Peyton Manning Film Festival

Sprint - Death of a Salesman




An ordinary man, out of step with the times and out of place in the modern world, wages an ultimately hopeless struggle to sell a terrible phone. Unlike the film in that it's hilarious.



Gatorade - Alien




This one's a no-brainer. Would you let Peyton Manning burst fully formed from your chest if it meant a trip to the AFC Championship game? Course you would. Game over, man. Game over.



MasterCard - Chariots of Fire




Half-naked guys and a beach.



MasterCard - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead




In which the smallest and unlikeliest of characters move the course of greater events (events containing one Peyton Manning), for good or ill.



SportsCenter - The Glass Menagerie




An overbearing, meddling mother father struggles to find a place in the world for daughter Laura son Eli suitable for his station in life, while older, wisecracking son Jim Peyton longs to break free to a life not quite so bereft of hope a football career not quite so bereft of unremarkability.


NFL Shop - Fantasia




Because there's no way Eli Manning gets to make any decision in that household, ever.



Reebok - Rashomon




Rashomon effect, n.: The effect of the subjectivity of perception on recollection, by which observers of an event are able to produce substantially different but equally plausible accounts of it.



United Way - Citizen Kane





Strong case for the greatest cinematic opus of all time. Thoughtful, melancholy, meditative on the nature of family and the futility of the human condition.


That'll be all from us today. We'd like to extend our thanks and hugs of inappropriate duration to our hosts, the KSK Mafia. Good game, boys...same time next year?


XOXO,

The Ladies...

165 comments:

Southpaw said...

What. The. Fuck.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I didn't even read it, but needless to say not so much MOIST but really SOGGY is the better term.

Holly said...

Excuse me, I need to get this out of the way:

MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA. (Serpentine.)

Peter McSheisty said...

Highly unlikely that you all will reach the 187+ comments mark on this one. And.......... you lost me.

JebusHChrist said...

jesus fucking christ

Burnsy said...

Now I know what Nagasaki felt like.

(Hat's off, Andrea. The Cards post saved me from eating my own arm.)

Big Daddy Drew said...

We really should have given them a word count.

/plans Punter's disembowelment

DrDoom said...

Why is it so long........ ok next commenter i set u up.

SMP said...

I actually want to go back to writing my opposition to a petition to compel arbitration -- I'm absolutely guaranteed to die if I jump from a 28th floor window, right?

Holly said...

Now I know what Nagasaki felt like.

I grew up in the town of the Manhattan Project, actually. They taught me well.

OkieRover said...

The film was Brilliant!
Very funny.
Excellent job.

Rob I said...

The only two things that prevent me from committing suicide: Andie's tale of joy and MMP's upcoming resignation letter.

Captain Caveman said...

F-

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

Why is it so long

That's what she said.

LadyAndrea said...

Awww, thanks Burnsy.

Sean said...

Why is it so long........ ok next commenter i set u up

umm... that's what she said?

ANd yeah, wayyy too fucking long.

Burnsy said...

Even though Wainright is killing me right now.

Sean said...

Damnit Metschick!!!

I am not enjoying the take over. At. All.

Otto Man said...

J-Money's Arts and Crafts Cozee Corner

I originally read that as "Cooze Corner." Imagine my disappointment.

And while I should've known better than to expect short, sharp posts from a group of women with an ellipsis in their name, the Ladies ... ... ... ... really outdid themselves with this post. It's as long as a James Joyce novel, and just as readable!

CLARE. said...

Why is it so long.

You WISH that's what she said.

Signal to Noise said...

Great. Like there wasn't enough #### by the time Andie had to mention baseball, then it's followed up by the greatest hits of Chesney's catcher.

(TSW wins on the film.)

Biggus Rickus said...

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

If anyone needs me I'll be gouging my eyes out.

Suss said...

If I don't wind up marrying one of these Ladies, I will consider my existence a failure.

Vanilla said...

Hey, did anyone else manage to get the cute little red bow to stick on the maxi pad slippers? How did you guys do it? What?!? Oh... right...

I mean... Talk about LAME!! And has anyone mentioned how freaking long it was?

Texas Gal said...

Longer is always better.

I wish there could have been more unicorns. And puppies. And rainbows.

JebusHChrist said...

And damn you Andrea, what with your heart-string tugging! Now I don't even hate the Cardinals anymore. Fuuuck.
What is this world coming to?

Signal to Noise said...

Oh, by the way, Andie, thanks for rubbing it in again.

(Mets fan)

LadyAndrea said...

Vanilla, that made me laugh out loud in class. God I hate being in class when I'm hungover, this is brutal.

The Cooze Corner is down in the ladies' room.....

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

Signal to Noise: you should've just done what I did, skip over it. I don't think my wittle heart could take it...

Sean said...

You girls have officially made me want to swallow a fucking bullet. Job well done.

TheStarterWife said...

Thanks for the film love.

Can you tell by the way I shot him that I kinda have a small crush on the Christmas Ape in real ok - internet) life?

(And if BDD doesn't have all the DFW books on his shelf, I'll eat my hat.)

throwbot said...

+1 each to Metschick and Andie for keeping it gangsta and writing about food and baseball in the middle of Hello Kitty, nail polish, maxi pads and flowers.

+5 to TSW...that video was freaking hilarious.

QueeferSuthrland said...

TITZ PLZ

K THX

Brian said...

I think I broke my scroll wheel. Just cause ya'll post doesn't mean I have to pay attention.

And don't try and kiss ass by posting the United Way commercial.

Holly said...

You girls have officially made me want to swallow a fucking bullet.

Outstanding.

AnalRapist said...

@ The Gay Mafia:

I'm afraid you're just going to have to abandon this URL for ever, Sex Cannon and all. I don't see of anyway you're going to be able to fully get rid of the stench of flowers, unicorns, and fully saturated maxi pads.

Good work on the Video TSW. I like posts that I don't have to read.

rafael said...

I think I might get fired for laughing so much at TSW's clip. But the Cardinals section? Too serious. boo.

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

Throwbot: you gave me props in both posts? Love ya!

JebusHChrist said...

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead? Really?

Burnsy said...

By the end of the day, one male reader will have given birth.

Chris said...

golf clap - thestarterwife

Pete said...

Well done, Ladies.

(and that post wasn't just long, it was positively SERPENTINE)

save the steagles said...

TSW, that video was an absolute riot. Maybe not Oscar quality, but definite Golden Globe consideration. Great use of your Steeler paraphernalia.

Charles said...

What, no mention of the Hello Kitty vibrator after claiming Sanryo characters appear on everything?

CDB said...

Can we get TSW's short film nominated for some kind of user generated video content award or something?

Great, if disturning work ladies...

the butler said...

Damn, dude...should-a gone double or nothin'.

Holly an Oak Ridge Girl?

(and I don't mean a groupie for these guys)

MemphisRaines said...

I was confused when I couldn't figure out if Punter was the giant one-eyed ogre or not, but then I started scrolling down... and down... and down... and realized that it was only because the patients had taken over the asylum that I felt disoriented. Hach-ptoo. Blech.

Barry.Petchesky said...

I'm not sure how, but I think this post made me slightly less gay than the usual KSK homoerotic-undertones do.

LadyAndrea said...

I'm sorry Metsy. I didn't skip over your post, I liked it. : )

Rafael, I think I'll miss you most of all (when we leave this place).

Robert said...

I'm still trying to figure out why I read the whole Sanrio section.

Plus, I know that I'm going to hate myself on that day, probably within the next six weeks, that I see one of the non-Hello Kitty Sanrio products, and correctly identify it as such. Fuck. me.

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

LA: I tried, I really did, but my therapist suggested that I avoid any triggers. Hence, I have to skip your post. :(

Big Scary Monster said...

I will comment more when I am able to stop punching myself in the crotch.

That was truly epic. Well done, ladies.

janie said...

Ladies...what can I say?

Just brilliant. Anything with Peyton, orchids and sanitary towels is fine by me.

TSW - that vid was great.

Please use all your feminine wiles to trap MMP into another bet....we must have more.

mandy said...

So how much is the bounty on MMP's head up to?

Provided that I can convince flubby to be my defense lawyer I'm 100% willing to kill him. I think it's probably a justifiable homicide at this point.

becky said...

I need a ruling-
Guys that own "The Lake House" on dvd...deal broken?

Walker said...

That post made me feel... remorse? At being born? It has totally disheartened me. I don't even want to read the other comments. It was so fucking long... maybe the Ladies... just wanted to hear "it was so long" said over and over. What were those cartoon pictures? Nail polish? I scrolled for like ten minutes and only saw one even remotely hot picture of a chick who was in a wedding dress. Ugh. Please let them go home now.

Awful Chief said...

That was more strongly vaginal than the entire Danielle Steele section at Barnes and Noble.

TSW, Bien fuckin' fait on that video!

Ryan said...

TSW - outstanding job.
J-Money - eww.
Texas Gal - WTF?
SA - sadly, I knew what you were talking about.
Clare - huh?
Metschick - Presidente's are mucho good.
Andrea - thanks for fucking bringing up that night again. Here's a pen, just stab it my leg. No, really, go ahead.
And holly - I still want to know how much (from previous post).

DrDoom said...

awful chief let us not forget the greatest chick flick ever made::

steel vaginas.

Ryan said...

Mandy, Steagles, and Becky - thanks for the boobies pics. The ladies sure as hell didn't provide any.

And Becky - big fucking deal breaker.

Peter McSheisty said...

Yeah, I was about to say, "Great tits, Mandy." And I mean that with the utmost respect. And if you are offended (which, why would you be, you put the picture up) blame it on KSK for not putting up the usual girly pics. And by girly pics I dont mean flowers, wedding dresses, and Hello Kitty.

TheStarterWife said...

Mandy - Why the hate? I even have the same tank top as you at home.

Ryan - 90% of Deadspin saw my NAKED breasts last Fall, so why revisit a joke already done. Too bad if you are late to the party.

greg said...

ewwww ... nasty

Awful Chief said...

[insert your favorite team]
that's what she said?

Peter McSheisty said...

@TheStarterWife

Link, please.

throwbot said...

metschick,

your appreciation for dick jokes, chips and salsa and an ice cold presidente is the only thing that got me through the day.

Chris said...

it kinda feels like the oxygen network has taken over spike tv...

also its good to have a few more cardinals fans here today, and also some east tn people in the house.

Burnsy said...

I, too, am surprised more and more by the amount of Cards fan in this neighborhood. Just goes to show this planet is getting smarter.

David said...

Today we'll be making slippers out of maxi pads, which some of you may recognize as being the super-absorbent items that show up in your girlfriend's shopping cart every month, frequently accompanied by a half pound bag of JellyBellys, the director's cut of Hope Floats, and an irrational crying jag.

You women are absolutely awful. You should be ashamed of defiling the once crystal clear waters of KSK with your shedded uterine linings. Icky. You're all just icky.

Otto Man said...

awful chief let us not forget the greatest chick flick ever made::

steel vaginas.


Is that the new motorcycle film with John Travolta and Martin Lawrence?

Patriots64 said...

Hi Ladies,

I am over here visiting from Danshanoff.com. This is hilarious stuff. Keep up the good work!

Patriots will go 15-1 this season!

CJ said...

Kittens will be tortured then murdered tonight and their blood will be on your hands ladies.

DrDoom said...

otto man:
wait there was a motorcylce movie with john travolta and martin lawrence..
they should have had previews all showing the same unfunny moments, and tehy should have previewed it at every movie in the past 4 months regardless of the audience.

Stuck in the Ivy said...

I got to the mention of tampons and stopped reading right there. This whole thing sickens me. I hope Schrutebag mentions the Ladies... website and takes them down for this. I don't think it's possible since they're on Wordpress but hey a man can dream.

MemphisRaines said...

In two posts the Ladies... have taken more than half of the page that first loads on KSK. So we're now getting half the dick jokes for the same price? That's a well-planned attack.

Ryan said...

TSW - I saw them as well (and by the way, magnificent. TSB is a lucky man). But like you said, that was last fall. Need boobies today.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Thank GOD you left more relevant topics like THE RELEASE OF THE FUCKING 2007 NFL SCHEDULE to the MEN who, you know, actually handle that sort of thing with some prowess.

cinnamon girl said...

Boys are just so weird.

SA said...

Ryan, I had to look up that stuff. I just like the characters. I fear for you.

Mike said...

My fucking god. That was the most excrutiating experience is the history of this universe and a few others not yet discovered. I'd prefer a glass rod rammed in my cock-hole to reading that again.

I'm horrified. I always knew women were evil but that??? Pure sadism.

MetChick -- of course -- nearly redeemed the whole debacle with her brevity, beer & general Metness, but then that Cardinal Chick blew it all up again by forcing me to relive one of the worst experiences of my life, blow-by-fucking-blow. Why didn't you put a godamned smiley-face heart over the "i" in Yadier & Molina while you were at it.

the chief said...

Sorry Ladies... I didn't crack a smile. I don't know what makes me immune to your siren song. Maybe it's my tantric sex awards, maybe it's my baby panda rescue service, or it could just be my volunteer work for chiseled abs anonymous. I don't know. I mean, I'm like the rest of these guys, I'm not a superhero or anything. Well at least not anymore. I gave up my powers for true love.

Phil said...

I read most of the Sanrio post and the rest, but skipped the flower shop one (sorry, Clare). I've got a soft spot for Bad Badtz-Maru.

The video was outstanding. Great work.

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

Phil: Bad Badtz-Maru is the shit.

yvgeni said...

if someone doesn't link to TSW's pix, I will be forced to take drastic measures.

"thestarterwife" + "naked breasts"

You are WORTHLESS Google.

TheStarterBoyfriend said...

I never knew you could do so much with a glue gun.

Also, I think that Daisy's are woefully underused in floral bouquets at weddings. They're simple and can be dyed to match pretty much any coloring scheme. Though they lack the exotic appeal of tiger lilies or hyacinths, at least the kids and drunken singles-table can safely chew on them during the reception.

Wait? What's this site for again?

Patriots64 said...

I never checked so many profiles in my life before today!

wow wa wee wah

MDG said...

I would still totally try to get in all their moist panties. Except Andie is wearing the business suit with no panties.

Ryan said...

@SA - I'm Asian and have two younger sisters. You do the math.

Oh, and in all honesty, well played today Ladies, well played.

edward said...

Ooh, Lady Clare, thanks for the flower info...we're looking at venues for our wedding right now. Neither of us want to go overboard on flowers (we're paying for the damnable things ourselves, and we're also having a wildflower meadow planted in honour of our wedding rather than covering the chapel with blooms) but we do obviously need bouquets for the bride and bridesmaids as well as a few table decorations. Any suggestions as to a good summer flower on a budget?

Wow, that's the most useful article on KSK I've ever read.

Um...and the Chi Sox seriously need to tighten up their starting rotation and get production out of the 1-3 spots of the lineup if they're going to top the twins.

Phishisgr8 said...

After reading that I went to the always reliable bathroom stall. After all, I was late for my mid-day rub out.
So, I'm stroking, and stroking, but couldn't stop thinking about nail polish, hello kitty, flowers, and Peyton Manning. Worked up quite a sweat, but couldn't work up anything stiffer than those maxi pad slippers.
Ladies... you saved some drain babies today. For that, fuck you very much.

Uncle JR said...

"You'll only need two if you're dating Heather McCartney"

Well worth the price of admission.

CLARE. said...

TSB, I'm going to have to disagree with you on the daisies. Sure, Martha Stewart carried a clutch of them when she married Andy, but the idea of dyeing flowers at all -- let alone for a wedding! -- sends me into a grand mal seizure.

Biggus Rickus said...

As the Ladies... have ruined my pastime at work, so another group of ladies are trying to ruin the continental pastime of Africa.

Boy Howdy said...

That was a travesty. An absolute travesly.



A list of top 5 Sanrio characters, and it doesn't include My Melody, she of the ambiguous relationship with her lamb friend? Truly a missed opportunity, and KSK's reputation in kindergardens and grade schools across the country will suffer for it.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Terrible, absolutely awful.

The video was pretty good though.

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

Any suggestions as to a good summer flower on a budget?

Ask your local florist. It depends on what month you're getting married. Your local florist will be able to tell you what flowers are cheapest in that month.

Also, shop around. Use one quote against another florist to see if you get a better deal.

Ok, I'll show myself out now.

Otto Man said...

they should have had previews all showing the same unfunny moments, and tehy should have previewed it at every movie in the past 4 months regardless of the audience.

Excellent point. I nearly got a restraining order against that piece-of-shit trailer.

TheStarterWife said...

If you are in LA, I totally recommend the Flower Wholesellers District downtown. I have a lot of friends who have done very well getting their wedding flowers down there for centerpieces and such.

TheStarterBoyfriend said...

@Phishisgr8 - Dude. Did you try humming "Into the Wild Blue Yonder"?

@Clare - Disgree. Martha knew how to work that shiz-nit. Daisies dye in a much more natural way than say, a rose or something with a less fleshy and palatable petal. I think they compliment whatever else you might have put into the bouquet, say tulips or callalilies.

Then again, this is probably the reason guys stand aside in wedding planning decisions. If it were up to me, not only would we have daisies, but I'd also hire our friend's drunken frat-band to play the reception and try and build the tables myself.

C4 For the Kids said...

If we must talk about flowers, any guesses on the number the sex cannon has taken so far this off season?

yesiamahooker said...

Coincidentally last night at fark a story was headlined:

Study finds that during the past 30 years, the number of male births has decreased each year in the United States and Japan. All hail our women overlords. Especially the hot ones.

CLARE. said...

Mets is right. Shop around, and let your florist suggest what's cheapest that time of year. This web page has a list of flowers in season by month.

I'd also add that if you can, pay in full in cash up front. I know it sounds extreme, but flowers are one of the last cash businesses and if you tactfully mention that you're going to pay in cash, your florist might be inclined to knock 5 or 10 percent off the top or give you free delivery.

Peter McSheisty said...

I just updated my profile but am new to the internets and ebays. Anybody tell me how to upload an avatar?

JMP said...

Which one of you is Suicidy?

Peter Griffin has a bad feeling about Suicidy.

Otto Man said...

I think they compliment whatever else you might have put into the bouquet, say tulips or callalilies.

Q: What's better than lilies on the piano?
A: Tulips on the organ.

Jordi said...

Thanks ladies,
I feel both neutered and lobotomized. Both heads are now useless.

But because I can't resist:
Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.

It's been a lonely week.

rafael said...

one comment and you'll miss me, LA? Shanoff never shows that much love.

Mike B. said...

Yeah, I'd say you guys need to follow the less is more principle.

Video, maxi-pad slippers = genius.

Painfully long draft that I couldn't possibly read, and which made me want to stab my eyes out by the third pick = not so much.

That was fun, though, nice work.

L said...

i didnt know that SA was a 14 year old asian chick

Phishisgr8 said...

Ladies...

All is well. I was able to fire off those knuckle babies while thinking of TSW's breasts.

LadyAndrea said...

Rafael, it was sarcasm and a Wizard of Oz reference. Nevermind.

MDG, I did in fact have to don a suit today for a meeting and just for you, I went commando.

Christmas Ape said...

I am indeed lovingly captured. A shame that my prehensile grip couldn't have placed that oversized Steelers helmet on my head.

mamacita said...

@mike I'd prefer a glass rod rammed in my cock-hole to reading that again.

Is that what you meant by "variety?"

TSW: AWLSOME movie.

J-Money: perhaps this crowd would have preferred tampon nunchucks?

TexasGal: Good call on the colors. Ballet Slippers is, as the boys would say, the shizznitz.

SA: Do they all come in vibrator form, or just Hello Kitty?

Clare: Did you ever see that episode of Laverne and Shirley where Shirley is getting married? She says that she always dreamed of having rhodenderons at her wedding. Why do you never see those anymore? (Of course, it's azalea season here in Houston, but still, you never see them in arrangements).

mestchick: you're already a better cook than Rachael Ray, and undoubtedly better looking.

Holly: a Peyton Manning filmfest? That is so gay. (Hee hee -- well done).

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

longest. post. ever. SI wants their 100 inch feature back.

Brian said...

MDG, I did in fact have to don a suit today for a meeting and just for you, I went commando.

THUD

LadyAndrea said...

Thanks Mamacita, I love you too.

mamacita said...

Sorry, Andrea. I'm an Astros fan; it hurts too much.

Chopper Dave said...

4/11/07

never forget.

Mike said...

Mamacita -

Is that what you meant by "variety?"

Not really, but if that was the hypothetical price to pay for a new piece of ass, why not?

MDG said...

And Lady Andrea has just risen to the Top Rank of the Ladies Power Rankings. TSW finally being bumped out of the top spot after a strong boobie showing in the fall. (I wonder if I still have that Gif saved on my computer)

Chris said...

What`s better than roses on your piano ? Tulips on your organ....

I'm married, those days are all but a distance memory.

DougOLis said...

Holy fuck that was long. Did anybody actually read this piss? Go back to attracting bears on your other site you fucking wankers.

That said, good job sweet tits.

TheStarterWife said...

MDG - Please say no even if you do, for TSB's sake. He's greedy that way.

Brandon said...

metschick, not for nothing but Dos Equis is fucking great.

Also, Biggus Rickus continues to flummox me. Everytime I see a post I try and recall when I posted something.

BigRicks said...

metschick, not for nothing but Dos Equis is fucking great.

Also, Biggus Rickus continues to flummox me. Everytime I see a post I try and recall when I posted something.

Holly said...


Holly an Oak Ridge Girl?


Yessir. Born and raised.

Biggus Rickus said...

Also, Biggus Rickus continues to flummox me. Everytime I see a post I try and recall when I posted something.

My plan is working. It's only a matter of time now.

MUWHAHAHAHA

LadyAndrea said...

MDG, in all fairness I go commando most days, so it wasn't that big of a deal for me. I just like it.

Biggus Rickus said...

Where was all of this commando talk in the posts? That's what the people wanted. Instead we got rainbows and shit.

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

BigRicks: ooh, yeah, Dos Equis is good stuff.

Chris said...


Holly an Oak Ridge Girl?

Yessir. Born and raised.


well i was raised in Cleveland tn, small world.

Tim said...

I'm in love with all the ladies.

thankfully, i'll have my chance to get Clare drunk and grope her at the 222 on Friday.

I am giddy with iron city anticipation.

Jez said...

If it's pink, fluffy and adorned with a picture of the Pink Panther, it's a roll of insulation and you should probably grab your toothbrush and get the hell out.

No shit, sister...no shit.

Signal to Noise said...

Love the Dos Equis and Presidente love.

Now seriously, well played, Ladies...well played.

Pemulis said...

i feel like the guy at a restaurant whose first complaint is that the food sucks and secondly, the portion was too tiny. I didnt read either post past like 1 paragraph, but i keep coming back here and oing "really? only 2 posts today?"

Landru said...

I need a ruling-
Guys that own "The Lake House" on dvd...deal broken?


Becky, not to be, like, harsh, but wouldn't that be your fault for making that deal in the first place? I mean, really, I hate to be all blameful and shit, but shouldn't you see some warning signs there? Seriously.

Ladies:

You coulda done better (worse), but props to TSW (I presume--my work machine won't let me watch the movie, but I expect when I get home, it'll be just fabulous), J-Money (outstanding delivery on a promise that could have been hard to fulfill), and Holly (any Manning-bashing is good Manning-bashing).

CLARE. said...

That's what mama likes to hear, tim.

That said, good job sweet tits.

The exact term is "sugar tits."

-1 for inaccuracy, dougolis.

Slate said...

Good job ladies *pats head*

Dan said...

Falco wouldn't have let this happen.

MDG said...

Andie that just confirms the ranking. I like when you go commando myself.

LadyAndrea said...

I like "sweet tits" Clare. We should each have a Tits moniker.... : )

MDG, that's very....sweet?

impresario919 said...

It's not that the posts were bad, per se, in terms of content. The problem lies in the fact that they were so atrociously written. Not having ever bothered to read anything from the ladies actual site, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they were intentionally writing like remedial creative writing students on purpose. For the sake of irony, or something.

SMP said...

That was painful but oddly fulfilling . . .but take that with a grain of salt, my dominatrix says I have serious mental problems.

John Shotter said...

that was a lilttle harsh.

JebusHChrist said...

MDG - I too, am going commando.
The more you know...

JebusHChrist said...

impresario919 - "per se" is actually spelled Per Se. We did cover that in remedial creative writing.

DougOLis said...

Clare & Andie - I cannot and will not concede sweet tits. I just took a poll at work and the vote was split but came down 3.5 - 1.5 in favor of "sweet tits." I can accept using "sugar tits" for Clare and "sweet tits" for LA from now on though.

LadyAndrea said...

Doug, you're a very kind and generous man.

Jebus, we're like army buddies.

J.L. White said...

Holy sweet little baby Jesus, was that post long. I'd love to rant about how overtly-female it all was, but.....well, I like my steak medium well. I have no right to saying anything.

JebusHChrist said...

dougolis - I like your idea, but QUITE FRANKLY I'm a little hesitant to throw labels onto something I've never seen. Doesn't really seem right. So Ladies... there's really only one way to make this right and settle things. You know where to find me.

CLARE. said...

Left brain: But I'm not Jewish, Doug.

Right brain: Somebody wants to call you "sugar tits," dumbass! JUST GO WITH IT.

Thanks, Doug.

DougOLis said...

Jebus - Never been to Per Se, but French Laundry fucking rocks.

Awful Chief said...

I checked again and well, it's just that I was led to believe there would be punch and pie...

Thanks for the entertainment. I'm going to go home now and try to turn my overgrown clitoris back to the johnson it was before I read this post.

rafael said...

LA

:*( Two sarcastic comments passing each other in the night..never to meet. sigh

devang said...

Fuck it, I'm not reading this whole post. TSW, brilliant movie. That was a female squiller depriving Caveman of his nut, right?

Andie, I like you and all, but I'm a Mets fan. So pardon me if I do not patronize your section. Steak, medium rare is right. I've had the 48 oz at Arthur's, and it was damn good with a few pints of Guinness (back then I had no idea about wine, so fuck off).

To my knowledge and taste buds, Peter Luger's in Brooklyn, best.steak.ever

devang said...

impresario919 = Gregg Easterbrook?

mamacita said...

Andie-- Looks like there is something we agree on, along with Jebus. Last week during the KSK draft I thought, "but would a thong really be better than nothing at all?"

I was in Italy last week, but I paid 10 euros for internet access just so I could get the results of the KSK/Ladies... bet.

LadyAndrea said...

Awww, Rafael. We's alright.

Devang, no worries. I understand that it can be hard.

As far a steak goes, fresh steak in the Midwest cannot be beat.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Loved it. Absolutely loved it. It'll be worth the bukkake tomorrow. Made me proud to be a woman. Bravo, Ladies!

Even if I am reminded of what a huge loser I am because I have every single one of those Peyton Manning clips saved to my YouTube favorites.

DougOLis said...

What about fresh Kobe beef off a naked Japanese chick in Tokyo? That's gotta beat Midwest steak right?

LadyAndrea said...

Asian girls don't generally do it for me, Doug. But whatever floats your boat.

Chuckles said...

LA is right about steak in the Midwest. Bragging about a steak in New York is like bragging about the deep dish pizza you had in Jacksonville or the clam chowder you tried in Denver. That's just silly.

Now fresh Midwestern Beef served on a fresh Midwestern Gal.... that's some good eatin'.

DougOLis said...

Chuckles - I can get on board that.

Landru said...

but props to TSW

As usual, I had my head totally up my ass. "Props" doesn't cover it. An Astrodome full of cheering GI Joes throwing flowers wouldn't cover it. Being elected President of the Gay Mafia wouldn't cover it. Being elected Goddess wouldn't cover it.

That movie fucking rocked. The rest of you dames should be ashamed of yourselves for not putting in that kind of effort. Especially you, the Cardinal fan one there. If only there were some way you could be covered in cloth from head to toe so that the rest of us don't have to share your shame...hey!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Thank God I was swamped at work today. Punter, you will be getting the Braveheart treatment this weekend.

Watch your back!!!

The video was pretty funny though.