Tuesday, April 10, 2007

fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way...

Did you hear Dwayne Jarrett is slow? Now, you may say to yourself, “Wait, I’ve watched Dwayne Jarrett for years at USC and always thought he’s fairly fleet of foot.” Not true. Actual, factual story: at the combine, Jarrett raced a pregnant woman and came in third. This is why we need the Mel Kiper Juniors of the world; to tell us what our own treacherous senses will not. Jarrett, meanwhile, might find out the technical name for slow receivers who aren’t particularly good at running routes—Montreal Alouettes.

“Shady” Grady Jackson is suing the Atlanta Falcons for improperly disclosing his medical history in attempt to depress his value in the free agent market. So, grossly overweight African-American males are predisposed to heart problems? Damn, thanks Dr. C. Everett Koop for that medical newsflash. It is readily apparent to anyone who has ever seen Jackson sweating gravy on the Georgia Dome sidelines that his fat ass is in trouble in the not too distant future.

In response to Big Daddy Drew’s “kill kill kill” series of posts, faithful reader Lucille sent us this image of some long-awaited revenge. Walruses, seals and otters have been waiting years for the sharks to get what they have coming. This is their snuffporn.

Let’s check the updated scoreboard-- Sharks: 541,285,951 Pinnipeds: 1

Lastly, some are using the occasion of the Ladies… takeover as a call to our erudite commenters to commence hostilities towards our temporary feminine occupiers. Far be it from me to tell any of our readers how they should use the KSK product, but, personally, I don’t have it in me to be a dick to them merely because they won a wager where the terms were decidedly slanted in their favor. (My pet theory on the ill-advised conditions of the bet: Punter loses his damnfool mind around internet cleavage.)

Often at baseball games, some lucky kid is picked to race the mascot around the base-path. Invariably the kid “wins” after the mascot becomes cocky or distracted or gets tripped by the third baseman. It would be heartless to boo this little kid even though it beyond dispute she won an athletic contest of dubious validity. Heckling the Ladies… is tantamount to heckling the little girl that won the Mascot Derby.

My advice for handling the Ladies: Pat them on the head. Tell them they are pretty and doing a swell job. Humor them as you would a “special” relative at a family gathering. Science tells us that most women lack the gene that tells them when someone is being condescending towards them.



UPDATE: KSK will have to soldier on without the wealth of comedic inspiration from Pacman Jones this season. The AP just reported that Jones has been suspended for the entire 2007 season. Without his NFL scrilla, how can Pac make it rain? Sadly, it appears that the hydrologic cycle may be irretrievably broken.

68 comments:

The Pirate Sloth said...

Is there anything else us men do besides fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way?

Burnsy said...

Can I pat the women on the head until it is flat?

Billy said...

Can I pat the women on the head until it is flat?

Yes! All the better to balance your beer while getting a BJ...

Rob I said...

If the Ladies... are the little girl who won the Mascot Derby, then the KSK Gay Mafia are Grump.

Stop touching me in my no-no spot, KSK Gay Mafia.

wv: wwnkd (what would nik kershaw do?)

LadyAndrea said...

The first person who pats me on the head draws back a bloody stump.

J.L. White said...

Trust me, Andie, the last thing I'd want to pat on you is your head.

LadyAndrea said...

Fair enough, J.L. Plus, I doubt most of the guys could even reach to pat me on the head.

Mitch Kayak said...

ladyandrea are you a giant amazon woman?

Vanilla said...

Fair enough, J.L. Plus, I doubt most of the guys could even reach to pat me on the head.

You assume that you'd be standing up, but that's not how any of us are picturing you.

WV: hpcsuk

Suss said...

And theeeere go flubby's chances for sex for at least six months. Hope you already got a girl.

(I didn't make the rules. Were it up to me you'd get more tail for this.)

Proinsias Cassidy said...

Run, you stupid fucking dinosaur!

http://deadspin.com/sports/deadspin-hall-of-fame/deadspin-hof-nominee-run-you-stupid-f+++ing-dinosaur-run-198465.php

/Too lazy to link
//It's old, but it's good

LadyAndrea said...

Ahh, walked right into that one Vanilla.

MitchKayak, I am, in fact, an amazon. (I also played the Queen of the Amazons in Midsummer Night's Dream once).

Unsilent Majority said...

Can we try to focus on the fact that that picture is fucking awesome?

Unsilent Majority said...

I played Nick Bottom. What this says about my sexaul preference is moot.

LadyAndrea said...

UM, that's awesome, I love Nick Bottom. I got to be Titania for awhile before they separated Titania and Hippolyta into two parts. The Elementals have the most fun, I think.

J.L. White said...

Uh oh, the Ladies.... have gotten to UM. They knew the one weakness that would distract any red-blooded man: Shakespere plays. Try to stay focus here, people!

Unsilent Majority said...

i have a love for literature!

J.L. White said...

The only literature you should be lovin' right now are the ones with centerfolds inside, alright?

LadyAndrea said...

J.L, don't make fun of literature with centerfolds. I love Playboy, I buy it most months. For real, the articles and interviews are usually high quality. Also, I feel like the pictorials are at least not as skanky as some magazines, so I don't mind those either.

J.L. White said...

Has anyone told you recently how awesome you are, Andrea? It really should be mentioned more often.

LadyAndrea said...

Yeah, I know. It's hard to be me.

Danny G said...

And so it begins...we're already talking about literature and plays.

Patting on the head is the same thing as the 10 pound hand, right?

Total BS said...

fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way...

Best.Song.Ever.

devang said...

The first person who pats me on the head draws back a bloody stump.

Lorena?

devang said...

@total bs.

I respectfully disagree. That honor belongs to Wish You Were Here

LadyAndrea said...

Danny G, we were also talking about Playboy, so untwist your panties.

devang said...

Is there anything else us men do besides fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way?

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Dsanchez said...

I just found out you guys are ranked 70,146 in the alexa rankings. Nice work for a bunch of racist bigots. keep it up

J.L. White said...

Yes, yes, nothing I love more than talking with the Ladies.... here at KSK. You girls should really stop by more often, because you brighten up the place with your presence.

Now, Andie, allow me to ask you one question: What are your Top 10 Playboy centerfold spreads, and why?

devang said...

I just found out you guys are ranked 70,146 in the alexa rankings. Nice work for a bunch of racist bigots. keep it up

WTF???

Juuust a bit outside...

LadyAndrea said...

I honestly cannot tell if that was sincere or sarcastic.

Off hand, I don't remember their names. I wasn't really paying attention to that stupid Bio sheet where they all love puppies and hate arrogant men or whatever.

I do remember that Belinda Carlisle's pictorial was really hot. I do have to say, the Dahm Triplets are beautiful women and having multiple participants in a pictorial really ups the hotness factor for me, but I cannot get past the fact that they are siblings. I know guys think it's hot, but it totally skeeves me out.

LadyAndrea said...

PS: J.L White, if you can direct me to a place on the internet where I can browse the centerfolds, I will absolutely pick out my Top 10.

J.L. White said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J.L. White said...

Hold up: Are you asking me to browse the internet, looking for nude models Andie? Well, gosh, I'll give it a try, if I can find some. I'll be right back....

Signal to Noise said...

Andie: the Dahm spread didn't do that for me, but the one of the Bentley sisters where they looked like they were giving each other the Scissor Sister did give me a pang of conscience about that.

J.L. White said...

*wiping the sweat off my brow*

Okay, so far my investigation has brought up this site, which shows pictures & names of Playboy Playmates from 2000-2004 (NSFW):

http://www.phun.org/phun/galleries/playboy/playmate-pics.htm

I know, I suck at providing links. Well, back to work!

Smello said...

I really hope the use of the "kill kill kill" tag continues into the football season. Perhaps it could get its first football related use on draft day when Al Davis does something particularly stupid with that number 1 pick.

LadyAndrea said...

JL White, I'll take a look after class.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Aaaaaaaand JL becomes an internet stalker.

:p

J.L. White said...

Sloth: I'll NEVER apologize for looking up pictures of naked women at the behest of another woman.

Call me whatever you like.

Awful Chief said...

If you go to sportsline.com to read about the Pacman Jones/Chris Henry story, an ad for apparel of your favorite team will show up in the upper right hand corner. If you are a Lions fan like me (ROAR!), the ad is for a Charles Rogers "alternate" jersey for just $14.97!!!!

J.L. White said...

Chief: Is the "alternative" jersey for Charlie Rogers a Montreal Alouettes one? Orlando Predators? Pro's Vs. Joe's?

LadyAndrea said...

Do they advertise the Plaque for the Alternates?

Awful Chief said...

'The Alternates' would be a great team. He could be joined by Pacman and Chenry for starters. From the Chuck Rogers wiki page:

On September 2, 2006, Rogers was released by the Lions. According to Lion coach Rod Marinelli, Rogers simply wasn't good enough to make his team, which values hard work over raw talent. "We picked the men that are right for this football team", said Marinelli.

Peter McSheisty said...

Raced a pregnant woman and came in third. Thats some funny shit. Thanks KSK, I just spit Fiji water all over my moniter, this is some expensive water. Plus, I feel like a huge douche because you made me do a spit-take. I hope nobody saw that, Ill have to quit my job.

ryan said...

My approach to this? It's like Rosalyn babysitting Calvin and Hobbes. Only if Calvin were past puberty and had the Internet...this sounds like a job for Stupendous Man!


Or Get Rid Of Slimy GirlS (G.R.O.S.S.). Either one.

TheNaturalMevs said...

the real question is: who will be the pac man jones of the 2007 draft class?

Otto Man said...

Nice work for a bunch of racist bigots. keep it up

That's an interesting comment from someone who's blogger handle is "Dirty Sanchez." I guess linking degrading sexual acts to Hispanics is cool, but this other stuff isn't?

Otto Man said...

Dammit -- that should be "whose" not "who's" there.

Somewhere, my high school Englihs teacher is shedding a single, sad Iron Eyes Cody tear.

Otto Man said...

Dammit, English.

"Ooooh. Him card good read!"

ryan said...

@dirtysanchez

Don Imus, is that you?

LadyAndrea said...

JL White, in no particular order. My favorite is definitely Summer Altice, but my favorite photograph is Stephanie Heinrich.

Suzanne Stokes, February 2000
Brande Nicole Roderick, April 2000
Summer Altice, August 2000
Irina Voronina, January 2001
Crista Nicole, May 2001
Stephanie Heinrich, October 2001
Teri Marie Harrison, October 2002
Divini Rae, November 2003
Sandra Hubby, March 2004
Stephanie Glasson, July 2004
Tiffany Fallon, December 2004

Sean said...

@ dsanchez

"bunch of racist bigots"

For all his flaws, at least Sanchez isn't redundant and repetitive

Grimey said...

Brande Roderick? Her nipples look like Africa....

LadyAndrea said...

Not in the picture on the site, Grimey. Also, I like her boobs, they look natural. She's a keeper.

Burnsy said...

Until she bonked Pauly Shore I was totally digging Jillian Grace. But let us not all forget that there were Playmates before 2000. I think there were a few in 1999.

LadyAndrea said...

Burnsy, there were some every year since, what, '53? But those were what I was handed. I picked out 10, my work here is done.

Harris said...

Loose seal! Loose seal!

Vanilla said...

@ harris:
LOL! Loving the Arrested Development reference... that's what it was right?

denvergodfather said...

aaaaaaaaah yes Tiffany Fallon. She might be the best ever. Good taste Andrea

Dsanchez said...

@ sean

bigot:a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions

racist: a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

that shit is from Webster's the dictionary not the little person.(see I even used little person there)

There is totally a difference.

LadyAndrea said...

Thanks, godfather. I do what I can for you fellas.

C4 For the Kids said...

Speaking of Playboy, I heard Scarlette Johansen (sp?) is thinking about playing Jenna Jameson for her autobiography. I smell a box office hit.

Otto Man said...

I smell a box office hit.

I'm not sure. With Jenna Jameson, it's hard to tell just what you're smelling.

Chuckles said...

I smell a box

In giddy anticipation of tomorrow: Fixed

DrDoom said...

sanchez lets check urban dicitonary to get common usage:

bigot1) n. bigot: A bigot is someone who holds predefined negative views about a class of people. Examples include anti-semites, homophobics, racists, religious extremists of any religion.

racist: A person who basically judges other people on the basis of their race. This is not limited to negative judgements alone

to me this are almost the same.

JAMMQ said...

F*ck that. I'm heckling. Until they figure out a way for me to tip dollar bills through the computer screen Internet cleavage is useless to me.

Mike said...

Well here it is, Wednesday morning, and nothing is posted. The women starting out predictably: taking too long to get ready.

It shouldn't take too long to put an apron over your naked body and make breakfast, ladies. Let's get to it, shall we.