I don’t watch “American Idol,” but I don’t have anything against it. Anything that gives the world Carrie Underwood and Katherine McPhee in new outfits every week certainly has my support. But it annoys the piss out of me that all the contestants are coached to sing DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA. I like to see performers who lose themselves in the song and have the potential to spontaneously A) Break shit, B) Light something on fire, or C) Jump off of something. And it’s hard to express yourself with naked passion when you’re constantly searching for the best boy.
Oh, and a majority of the contestants suck. That tends to hurt its appeal. Unless, of course, you’re a 12-year-old girl. Ah, those eternal barometers of shitty musical taste. Who else but 12-year-old girls could give the world such musical abortions as David Cassidy, Jordan Knight, Vanilla Ice, Ashlee Simpson, and Bono? Well, those little harlots have really outdone themselves this time. Their new favorite eardrum rapist? Guhhhhhhh...
Sanjaya Malakar. If you ever thought to yourself, “Damn, I wish Jermaine Stewart had been a bigger star,” well you’re in luck. I’m not even sure Sanjaya is human. It’s like he was manufactured by Mattel after years of extensive focus grouping. Why, he even sings out of tune, just like you! Sanjaya is a triumph of style and manufactured hype over actual usefulness.
And, in that sense, he’s just like Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn.
I’ve watched the NFL Draft every year for God knows how long, and it’s clear to me, more than ever, that NFL teams and prognosticators feel the need to arbitrarily assign one or two quarterbacks to the top five of the draft for no good reason. It’s like they all collectively get together and say, “Wait a second, the top of this draft needs QB’s! Let’s draw two names out of this top hat!” I once heard that, when Alex Smith and David Carr were drafted in the top slot, the words “Fuck it” were also written on the draft card.
Now, this wasn’t the case last year. Vince Young and Matt Leinart were exceptions to the rule. Yet Leinart dropped to 10th, almost as if to be punished for actually being a good prospect. I don’t feel like Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell are in the league of those two, yet both are almost certain to be drafted in the Top 5, if not the Top 3. Why? Fuck if I know. It wasn’t until after the season that people even spoke of Russell as a prospect for the top pick. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.
Quinn’s presence at the top of the draft is particularly vexing. Like Sanjaya, he seems more a product of people WANTING him to succeed rather than having to skills to succeed on his own. He’s also queer. Perhaps a comparison is in order. Or, perhaps, it’s time to resurrect our long dormant “Quien Es Mas Macho?” series to determine just who is the lesser of two fakes. And so, we break out the pros and cons lists to find out…
Quien Es Mas Macho?! Sanjaya O Quinn?
-Exotic background gets him points for diversity, even though in spirit he’s whiter than a glacier
-Flawlessly groomed eyebrows
-Smile, while creepy and insincere to adults, is black tar heroin to prepubescent idiots
-Versatile hair! Take that Simon, with your inexplicable 1950’s Coast Guard flattop
-His sister? You’d hit it.
-High-pitched voice attracts nearby dolphins
-Will make a smashing Grand Marshall in the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade
-No muy macha
-Is only 17, cannot buy his fans the Parliaments they so desperately want
-Completely lacking in cynicism and seems to be genuinely enjoying the competition. Americans hate that shit.
-There may be duplicates of him
-Potential of him winning threatens the *snicker* integrity of “American Idol”.
-Gays are trying to break out of that whole “flaming queen” stereotype. You aren’t helping progress, Fruit Loop
-Mildly strong arm!
-Went to Catholic school!
-Loved by uptight New Jerseyians!
-People know who he is!
-Played for Charlie Weis, just like Rohan Davey!
-Un poco macho, if you don’t look at the above picture
-Can plow an entire acre of sorghum with front teeth
-Looks great doing draft telecast lead-ins! Can spin a football on his finger!
-Adorable moptop hair conveys a playful spirit
-Not afraid to break the NFL’s “lover of cock” barrier
-Will cost you a $25 million signing bonus to suck balls for your team
-Has the potential to increase suicide rates in Cleveland even further
-His sister? You’d hitch it.
-Needs to work on throwing motion while in fetal position while playing Michigan or other decent opponent
-Stands out as a QB in absolutely no way
A tough matchup. But in the end, we have to choose the machoest man, and that man is…