Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Quien Es Mas Macho: Brady Quinn O Sanjaya Malakar?

I don’t watch “American Idol,” but I don’t have anything against it. Anything that gives the world Carrie Underwood and Katherine McPhee in new outfits every week certainly has my support. But it annoys the piss out of me that all the contestants are coached to sing DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA. I like to see performers who lose themselves in the song and have the potential to spontaneously A) Break shit, B) Light something on fire, or C) Jump off of something. And it’s hard to express yourself with naked passion when you’re constantly searching for the best boy.

Oh, and a majority of the contestants suck. That tends to hurt its appeal. Unless, of course, you’re a 12-year-old girl. Ah, those eternal barometers of shitty musical taste. Who else but 12-year-old girls could give the world such musical abortions as David Cassidy, Jordan Knight, Vanilla Ice, Ashlee Simpson, and Bono? Well, those little harlots have really outdone themselves this time. Their new favorite eardrum rapist? Guhhhhhhh...

Sanjaya Malakar. If you ever thought to yourself, “Damn, I wish Jermaine Stewart had been a bigger star,” well you’re in luck. I’m not even sure Sanjaya is human. It’s like he was manufactured by Mattel after years of extensive focus grouping. Why, he even sings out of tune, just like you! Sanjaya is a triumph of style and manufactured hype over actual usefulness.

And, in that sense, he’s just like Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn.

I’ve watched the NFL Draft every year for God knows how long, and it’s clear to me, more than ever, that NFL teams and prognosticators feel the need to arbitrarily assign one or two quarterbacks to the top five of the draft for no good reason. It’s like they all collectively get together and say, “Wait a second, the top of this draft needs QB’s! Let’s draw two names out of this top hat!” I once heard that, when Alex Smith and David Carr were drafted in the top slot, the words “Fuck it” were also written on the draft card.

Now, this wasn’t the case last year. Vince Young and Matt Leinart were exceptions to the rule. Yet Leinart dropped to 10th, almost as if to be punished for actually being a good prospect. I don’t feel like Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell are in the league of those two, yet both are almost certain to be drafted in the Top 5, if not the Top 3. Why? Fuck if I know. It wasn’t until after the season that people even spoke of Russell as a prospect for the top pick. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

Quinn’s presence at the top of the draft is particularly vexing. Like Sanjaya, he seems more a product of people WANTING him to succeed rather than having to skills to succeed on his own. He’s also queer. Perhaps a comparison is in order. Or, perhaps, it’s time to resurrect our long dormant “Quien Es Mas Macho?” series to determine just who is the lesser of two fakes. And so, we break out the pros and cons lists to find out…

Quien Es Mas Macho?! Sanjaya O Quinn?



-Beautiful veneers
-Exotic background gets him points for diversity, even though in spirit he’s whiter than a glacier
-Flawlessly groomed eyebrows
-Smile, while creepy and insincere to adults, is black tar heroin to prepubescent idiots
-Versatile hair! Take that Simon, with your inexplicable 1950’s Coast Guard flattop
-His sister? You’d hit it.
-High-pitched voice attracts nearby dolphins
-Will make a smashing Grand Marshall in the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade

-No muy macha
-Fucking awful
-Is only 17, cannot buy his fans the Parliaments they so desperately want
-Completely lacking in cynicism and seems to be genuinely enjoying the competition. Americans hate that shit.
-There may be duplicates of him
-Potential of him winning threatens the *snicker* integrity of “American Idol”.
-Gays are trying to break out of that whole “flaming queen” stereotype. You aren’t helping progress, Fruit Loop

Brady Quinn


-Mildly strong arm!
-Went to Catholic school!
-Loved by uptight New Jerseyians!
-Beat Navy!
-People know who he is!
-Played for Charlie Weis, just like Rohan Davey!
-Un poco macho, if you don’t look at the above picture
-Can plow an entire acre of sorghum with front teeth
-Looks great doing draft telecast lead-ins! Can spin a football on his finger!
-Adorable moptop hair conveys a playful spirit
-Not afraid to break the NFL’s “lover of cock” barrier

-Sucks balls
-Will cost you a $25 million signing bonus to suck balls for your team
-Has the potential to increase suicide rates in Cleveland even further
-His sister? You’d hitch it.
-Needs to work on throwing motion while in fetal position while playing Michigan or other decent opponent
-Stands out as a QB in absolutely no way

A tough matchup. But in the end, we have to choose the machoest man, and that man is…


Burnsy said...

Sanjaya and his sister look like retarded pug dogs. And yes, I would nail his sister, but only if it were violent in nature and he was forced to watch while being beaten with a tire iron.

I don't know what just came over me.

BigRicks said...

Quien es mas macho, Brady Quinn, Jimmy Clausen o Rick Mirer?

My Insignificant Life said...

I'd hit his sister, Shyamali, in every way possible....I'd then smack her in the ass and tell go get me a beer and fix me up a sammich....

DrDoom said...

Id tell her to get me some waffle fries for free. UHHHH

Smello said...

"Not afraid to break the NFL’s “lover of cock” barrier"

Excuse me, but without Peyton Manning, there'd be no Brady Quinn. Peyton has paved the way for so many.

Billy said...

I just keep thinking "Ron Pawlus"

JAMMQ said...

Quinn es el mas macho del los dos mujeres.

Why all the hate on JaMarcus Russell? Big, dumb, strong-armed quarterbacks whose stocks soar after the season is already over are guaranteed locks to succed, right? See: Akili Smith, Kyle Boller.

The Last Unitard said...

Drew, I was on the fence regarding the quality of this post until I saw "You'd hitch it".

Well done.

Biggus Rickus said...

Why is increasing suicide rates in Cleveland on the cons list?

Billy said...

Also, it's "Froot Loop", damnit...

Peter McSheisty said...

Brady Quinn is Sooooooo Macho

BeaverFever said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Don't You Judge Me said...

@mcsheisty - exactly how did you find that site?

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

BeaverFever said...

"Can plow an entire acre of sorghum with front teeth" - great quote , but now i need to look up what sorghum is.

and i keep waiting for sanjaya to come out one week singing a george michael song while waving one of those rainbow colored flags.

brad said...

This was the funniest post I've read since the one about the zucchini bread. After the last couple of days, I really needed a good laugh. Thank you, God bless you and God Bless America!

By the way, my verification word is "doucub." Quinn's a douche and his best receiver is in the Cubs' organization. Perfect symmetry.

Bad Becks said...

The closer we get to this fucking draft, in 10 days no less, the more scared I am getting for my fellow Browns fans.

The only sure thing Quinn will bring is turning the sounds from the Dawg Pound from "barks" to "squeals" from little girls....

"Brady NOOOOO!!!! (as Brady is down unconcious after a sack) Is he ok???..."

Peter McSheisty said...

@Don't You Judge Me

It was on Deadspin not to long ago.

Redhead said...

I thought I might be in for something good when I read the term "musical abortions," but knew it when I got to the "Fuck it" on the draft card bit. Unbelievably funny.

And even though I don't watch American Idol, I'm still making the call that Quinn es mas macho. Barely.

Awful Chief said...

Brady's sister's field plowing prowess probably makes her quite the pin-up girl in Kazakhstan.

Why is either of them a 'top five' draft prospect? Notre Dame. Notre Dame fucks up the legitimacy of college football more than anything else.

Walklett said...

@ drdoom:

That shit is definitely unforgivable.

becky said...

I don't watch AI so whenever I hear about this guy, all I hear is the way they say "Sanjayyyaaa" on The Soup while his creepy little head flashes across the screen. In fact, we need a nightmare fuel tag on this I think.

Brady Quinn is just a metro.

JH said...

Ack. Sanjaya's sister? Not actually attractive.

save the steagles said...

Brady is going to go to the Browns, completely turn around their offense and in turn the franchise and I'll have to go through a season of turmoil; torn between my beautiful hometown boy and my beloved Steelers. But I will get to tell a lot of people that I told you so.

BeaverFever said...

sanjaya looks like an ugly girl.

and B. Quinn does have a Ron Powlus/Rick Meir feel to him.

devang said...

His sister's definitely a 2 bagger.

Grimey said...

Sanjaya can't even make this T-shirt look mas macho.

the occasional joo said...

Steagles I wouldn't worry about having being torn this year - unless you mean torn between method of suicide to employ when the Browns and Steelers are out of it by week 9.

Big Daddy Drew said...

+1 grimey

devang said...

Brady is going to go to the Browns, completely turn around their offense

Absolutely. He'll also endure homosexual taunts from some high and mighty teammate, lose all his hair, leave Cleveland, become a journeyman QB, and marry a playboy playmate.

Robocats said...

What can I say, I have a thing for QBs with groomed eyebrows. I'd want sexcannonjaya.

flubby said...

Steagles' wide-eyed optimism is soooo cute.

LadyAndrea said...

I'm not sure I'm exactly on the Steagles's bandwagon, but I definitely am on the "Brady Quinn is so hot in person it makes me uncomfortable" bandwagon.

Hilarious post, Drew.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

funny. Just yesterday I was seriously jonesing for a new installment of 'quien es mas macho?' and you surely didn't disappoint, BDD. Thank you.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Becky, I totally feel ya on The Soup 'Sanjaaaayyyaaa' bit.

My roommates and I also say his name in the most Ravi Shankar-ish way possible as if we are proclaiming his name from the top of the Himalayas ala John Lennon in 'Tomorrow Never Knows'...backwards guitar and all!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Sanjay's sister is definitely worthy to be broken off. I'd just make sure I'd be able to rest my wings and extra large beer on her back while I was taggin' it.

Oh yeah and BDD: Clint's going to come find you and "knock your teeth down your throat" for making fun of his Best Butt Buddy Brady.

I just love alliteration.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Sanjaya? Brady Quinn? Who?

Oh! We're playing this game again?

-Peyton Favra (You can bet PK would like a 'tight spiral' from that fella)

-Ron Mexicobra (redbumps are NOT snakebites)

-Atari Reynolds

-Mannyjaya (rexy says: "man I make his sister's nip hair stand on end")

Ted said...

I'm into Barabaro and all, but don't you think Laura Quinn is taking it too far?

Highmay said...

Couldn't agree more about Mr. Quinn. I can't understand the retarded fascination. Did anyone EVER watch a notre dame game and think WOW, I wish we had that guy.

VicariousLee said...

"-Smile, while creepy and insincere to adults, is black tar heroin to prepubescent idiots"


"-Can plow an entire acre of sorghum with front teeth"

hmmm - the two lines that left me incapacitated with laughter both reference the oral region of feminine guys. Might be time for more therapy.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

Thankyou thankyou thankyou BDD for ending the reign of Sanjaya-terror.

Brady Quinn is next

Have we discovered a KSK jinx?

the butler said...

America has voted....

Fairy're going back to working at the Sunglass Hut in the mall.

Slash said...

My eyes, my eyes!!!!!

I'm not sure which looks gayer, the smiling while stretching shirtless picture or a grown man in knee socks and fringe. Christ, that shit is creepy. Maybe someone should check under that Brady guy's house for the bodies of teenage runaways. I mean, the bod from the neck down is very doable, but that Ken doll thing he's got going on... yikes.