The following post is one of two written by the Ladies... blog as the result of an ill-considered wager on our part. For actual KSK content that does not attract bears, feel free to click elsewhere on the site.
In typical KSK draft fashion, there is much trash-talking and things spiral rapidly out of control. In typical Ladies... fashion, we resort to pillow fighting in short order. And Holly displays an inexplicable fixation on the word "serpentine".Here's the draft order, determined by our finishes in the March Madness pool. Let's serpentine this motherfucker!
HOLLY: We got a war on, ladies.***With the first pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Holly selects:
LADY ANDREA: This was TOTALLY my sleeper pick! However, Wolfman does rat out Maverick quitting and, like Peyton said, we kill snitches.***With the second pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, SA selects:
HOLLY: I wanted to pick Tom Cruise. Really, I did. He used to be so cute. I can gaze at this movie, and think of what might have been. But....no. Just--no. Fuck crazy; don't draft crazy.
HOLLY: And while SA is on the clock, I feel the need to inform the group that in a search for screenshots I found this page, complete with blinky military .gifs. Ah, Geocities. If Deadspin had animated avatar capabilities (THE HORROR), the radar one would so be mine.
Let me just say first and foremost though that I've never seen the movie so I pretty much don't care what type of character they were. Hot body is a hot body.
So with that, SA takes
HOLLY: Ah, the volleyball scene. Classic!
LADY ANDREA: Slider, excellent choice. One of 3 Top Gun alums to be a recurring character on ER. Also, tall and hot.
TEXAS GAL: I have to say it: Slider... you stink. (even if you do have a distinguished johnson)
***With the third pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Texas Gal selects:
He's a winner, he doesn't punk out, ever (take note, Maverick) and he doesn't have time for your shit. I respect that in a man. And there's also the fact that he's smoking hot.
HOLLY: He can be my wingman any time.
TEXAS GAL: Bullshit- you can be his.
LADY ANDREA: Once I was talking to a girl about the homoeroticism in Top Gun and she goes, "Oh totally! Like when they say, 'You can ride my tail anytime.'" I laughed for about 10 minutes, great gasps of laughter because how AWESOME would it have been if that was the real line.
Also, dammit. I had Wolfman all picked out b/c I knew Iceman wouldn't drop that far and then I got my hopes all up, only to be dashed by Texas Gal. Sniffle.
HOLLY: Seriously, my sleeper pick at this point is Cruise.
SA: Ok, I don't see the appeal in Val Kilmer. Even though the the sunglasses picture is hot. Still don't see it.
THESTARTERWIFE: YOU TAKE THAT BACK ABOUT VAL KILMER! Aside the fact that now he looks like a beachball, and I am pretty sure he's had a stroke that no one is taking about, he's hot.
***With the fourth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, TheStarterWife selects:
One of the most notorious producers to have ever gone through Hollywood, Simpson represents the shift into the modern action genre. The films he created ushered in a new era of over the top non-stop chase scenes, explosions, and overly-sexualized leads. He was the brains and the creative mind behind Simpson-Bruckheimer, (Jerry probably prays to an alter to his old friend everyday thanking him for laying down the groundwork for his now mega-career despite their break-up right before Don's death), and infamously once said - "We have no obligation to make history. We have no obligation to make art. We have no obligation to make a statement. Our obligation is to make money."
The man had a rumored $60K a month drug habit and more sex, (mostly the rough stuff) than most people have in a lifetime. Don Simpson represents almost everything I hate in Hollywood. Which means I would have met him when he was still alive, I am sure I would have gone on whatever ride he would have taken me that night.
HOLLY: GaDAYUM. Advantage: TSW.
SA: OK, wow. Didn't see a dead guy coming.
HOLLY: That's what she said. (WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.)
THESTARTERWIFE: KSK-ism. We'll all have to make sure we shower when we leave this place.
CLARE: Wow. TSW went for the heavy artillery.
Personally, I think Don Simpson represents everything that is AWESOME about Hollywood. But what do I know--I'm just "the little people."
LADY ANDREA: Nice pick on Simpson. Also, SA is dead to me. Val Kilmer may not be hot now, but Iceman was the object of my desires for many, many years. "Iceman, that's the way he flies. Ice cold, no mistakes." Damn right, no mistakes. Rowr.
***With the fifth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Metschick selects:
I'm up? My brain's still a little fuzzy from all the Slurricanes I've had over the past few days.
I'm a freak and have never seen this movie. I'm definitely going to have to watch it now, because DAYUM - those are some hot guys you all have been pickin out...
That being said, with my pick, I select:
I don't know what the hell Tim Robbins looked like in Top Gun, but you know what? He's a Mets fan, and that's good enough for me. I'm sorry for the lack of funny, but I think I lost my funny bone somewhere between the 1st and 2nd Hurricane last night.
THESTARTERWIFE: I love how we're doing a draft and half of the Ladies have not seen the movie, or if they have seen it, it was so long ago it is long forgotten.
Must be what it feels like to work in the J-E-T-S front office.
***With the sixth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Lady Andrea selects:
His part is small but distinguished (the johnson joke doesn't really work here). He's also a hottie, with his big eyes and dark hair. Cougar was #1, but he lost it and turned in his wings, sending Maverick and Goose to Miramar. I'll comfort you, Cougar.
HOLLY: I'm just saying.
***With the seventh pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, J-Money selects:
He's been oh-so-reliable at playing authority figures, from Alien to Top Gun to Sherriff Jimmy Brock on "Picket Fences", where his most brilliant acting triumph was pretending that Lauren Holly had talent (other than the snowball to the face scene from "Dumb and Dumber"). And I admit it. If I had been Drew Barrymore in "Poison Ivy", I totally would've seduced him too. Read that sentence again and tell me which is more terrifying... the fact that I recall plot points from a made-for-TV movie starring Darlene from "Roseanne" or the fact that I remain attracted to someone who's older than Israel.
LADY ANDREA: Holy crap, I came THISCLOSE to picking Tom Skerrit and one of my reasons was because of Poison Ivy. That scene in the rain on the hood of the car? Totally hot.
SA: I would love it if we got through with the first round and Tom Cruise wasn't picked.
HOLLY: I'm telling you, he's my sleeper pick. And I'm picking last. And I think I'll be safe.
Clare's up, and just to remind everyone, she picks twice, because we are SERPENTINING WOOOOOOOO!!! ( Try and stop me from saying it in every email from here on out. Just try.)
THESTARTERWIFE: You keep saying "serpentining" and I am going to make you watch "The Lair of the White Worm" on continous repeat. Nothing but Amanda Donohoe getting it on with a white snake, over and over again...
LADY ANDREA: You make it sound like that's a bad thing. Who doesn't like white snake sex? Here I go again, indeed.
J-MONEY: I'm adding this to the list of reasons we should be BFFs, right after the
Ultimate Warrior wrestling buddies.
HOLLY: You know what that snake would have to do? To wrap around her body? SERPENTINE.
LADY ANDREA: Were we to meet, I think the BFFness would be too much and the world would implode.
Hawls, you're making snake sex sound kinda hot. Stop that.
J-MONEY: And with this comment, I wonder why no one has ever seen you and Tawny
Kitaen in the same place at the same time. Could it be
because...YOU'RE THE SAME PERSON?
LADY ANDREA: It's true. My real name is Tawny, I do car-hood gymnastics and I flashed a nipple during the Here I Go Again video. You are like Veronica Mars. Jessica Fletcher. Columbo.
J-MONEY: And then you beat the shit out of Chuck Finley.
I'm like Columbo with better lungs and both eyes. You can't hide from me.
LADY ANDREA: So, Jelisa has both eyes. That's how we can distinguish her from Peter Falk and Sammy Davis Jr.
J-MONEY: And Sandy Effing Duncan.
HOLLY: I am posting all of this.
***With the eighth and ninth picks of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Clare selects:
Where one goes, so goes the other. A wingman throws the hero's achievements--making Top Gun, boning your super-hot flight instructor, killing your best buddy in a dogfight, y'know, the usual leading-man shit--into sharp relief. Without his wingman the hero cannot truly know how to overcome obstacles on his own. And no man can pull off the "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" gambit without his wingman.
I thought about picking Jester or the air traffic controllers who spit out their coffee when Maverick buzzes the tower, but...did Jester have a glamorously lit sex scene with Kelly McGillis? Were the ATCs the inspiration for the title character in Disney's "Aladdin?"
HOLLY: Without killing his wingman the hero cannot truly know how to overcome obstacles on his own.
I didn't even consider the bar duet factor. This could only be pulled off by a double pick. Well played.
TEXAS GAL: Plus, you sort of need Goose's funny to distract from Maverick's crazy. If Goose hadn't been there, it would only have been a matter of time before Maverick started talking about thetans and e-meters.
LADY ANDREA: I agree, a one-two punch of Maverick and Goose is really the only way to go.
Clare's lost that lovin' feeling........shit......I hate it when she does that.
CLARE: For reals. How could you possibly break those two up?
***With the tenth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, J-Money selects:
Top Gun was one of about a brazillion quality flicks that came out that year, most of which I was forbidden from watching because I was 7 and my parents were suspicious of everything in theatres or on TV, including but not limited to what was under Fievel's floppy-ass hat and the suggested undertones of Pee Wee sitting on Chairy's face.
Other flicks from '86 (in order from Great to Good to Paul Hogan) were Platoon, Aliens, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Hoosiers, Stand By Me, Flight of the Navigator (aw yeah), Pretty in Pink, Back to School, and Crocodile Dundee.
Unfortunately, 1986 also included Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time", Bill Buckner, and being in Iris "Reading is for Pussies" Cooper's second grade class.
HOLLY: I dunno about this one....that said, if you take 1986 I'll be free to take the killer blue lighting in the sex scene. Excelsior!
TEXAS GAL: You cannot forget: Space Camp, Blue Velvet, Labyrinth, Color of Money, One Crazy Summer, Short Circuit & the all-time classic Howard the Duck.
***With the eleventh pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Andie selects:
Oh yes. Meg Ryan back when she was all pixie-haired and adorable and didn't look like she'd been nipped and tucked one too many times. She and Anthony Edwards were married in real life when they filmed Top Gun, which I love. It makes them that much cuter.
She also has the best line in the entire movie: "Goose, you big STUUUUD! [that's me honey] Take me to bed or lose me forever! [show me the way home, honey]."
I also totally imitate her whenever somebody is talking about a boy they've started dating by going, "There are hearts breakin' WIDE OPEN all over the world TO-night. Because unless you are a FOOL, that boy is off the market. He is 100% primetime in LUV with you!" Hardly anybody ever gets it, but it makes me laugh and that's all that matters.
HOLLY: As long as you take that plaid thing she wears with you.
THESTARTERWIFE: Really? We could take a year? Damn. If someone now takes "The Cold War" this draft is a shammockary to fake drafts everywhere.
THESTARTERWIFE: Dammit! Holly, I owe you $5. Oh I see... you wanted to take "The Cold War". Well, I pick before you and now "The Cold War" is looking better than either Kenny Loggins or Tony Scott.
THESTARTERWIFE: Don't worry, I was going to pick "Wilson", but I am sure it will be gone by then too.
LADY ANDREA: I think it's a traveshammockery....
Why do you owe Holly $5?
CLARE: They WERE MARRIED?!?! Oh my God, that's so cute. Like so cute I wanna go barf (ugh, too many Cadbury Creme Eggs today).
THESTARTERWIFE: I said you'd take Kelly McGillis. Didn't everyone else take all the prop bets in this draft?
LADY ANDREA: There were prop bets? Dammit, I miss all the fun stuff. Why did you think I'd take Charlie? She scares me.
HOLLY: Your avatar kinda looks like her, Andie. It's uncanny.
TEXAS GAL: Come on, now- if everyone keeps up with the picks, there will be nothing funny left to draft.
Also, no one better draft "dog tags".
HOLLY: What about "The Indian Ocean"?
TEXAS GAL: Do not forget "Keeping up foreign relations." That pick may be too great to be drafted.
LADY ANDREA: COUGHHollywoodCOUGH, COUGHWhipHubleyCOUGH, COUGHhottieCOUGH
That was my best Iceman impression. Now I just need somebody to claim, "Because I was....inverted." DIRTY!
THESTARTERWIFE: Fine, but I predict the last picks are going to fought over in manner rarely unseen outside of the once a year Kleinman's wedding gown sale.
TEXAS GAL: Pillow fight!
LADY ANDREA: More like UFC 70: Ladies Edition
TEXAS GAL: Mmmm... Chuck Liddell....
HOLLY: Tickle fight!!
LADY ANDREA: Jello wrestling is really the best way to go....there's always room for jello!
THESTARTERWIFE: Metschick better pick soon before we all get distracted by... jello...
HOLLY: I'm sure I'm not just speaking for myself *coughJMONEYcough* when I suggest pudding as an alternative venue.
***With the twelfth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Metschick selects:
SLIDER: Goose who's butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?
GOOSE: The list is long, but distinguished.
SLIDER: Yeah, well so is my johnson.
Hee, dick jokes never get old.
***With the thirteenth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, TheStarterWife selects:
(Cold War sticks it to Holly, could go with any of the music... )
Nope. Sticking with my first choice.
Sure, Tony doesn't get the fancy "Sir" in front of his name like his brother, but he did make one of my favorite movies of all time, True Romance. He also directed the The Last Boy Scout, infamous at the time for Shane Black's $1.75 million dollar screenplay which was sold at the height of the then out-of-control spec market. Talk about pressure.
By drafting Tony Scott, I can bench him for as long as I want and prevent him from moving forward with the remake of The Warriors that he is currently working on.
HOLLY: I heard he's setting it HERE. The hell??
THESTARTERWIFE: Yep. Set in LA, with LA gang members.
(Although TSB just told me that the project is dead as doornail right now, after Deja Vu and Domino both bombed. I'm still benching him just incase he finds some weird funding outside of the studios.)
***With the fourteenth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, TexasGal selects:
In addition to looking damn sexy (and making any man in its cockpit automatically hot by proxy- hell, it even made Goose look good), the F-14 excels at going both horizontal and vertical thanks to its superior thrust-to-weight ratio. That made me hot just typing it. It is also a key component in keeping up foreign relations- and Maverick has the Polaroid to prove it. Plus, I'm a sucker for anything that can take me inverted. I could go into more detail, but then I'd have to kill you.
HOLLY: W00T! SA, take us home, honey.
***With the fifteenth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, SA selects:
Well, my pick is going to be boring compared to everyone else. Since the year, directors, quotes, and (I'm assuming) the jet they flew is out of the picture, I guess I'm just gonna have to go back to characters in the movie. And while I've never seen the thing, I know there is one of these in there because there is always one of these in a movie.
It's a military movie so I'm quite sure there was one with just enough screen time that everyone will remember that he interacted with the main characters. TBG-I salute you.
THESTARTERWIFE: Hahahahahahahahahahah - SA, I think I love you.
LADY ANDREA: his call sign was "Sundown" and he was Maverick's RIO after Goose died. He gets in Maverick's face and leads to a great line where Tom Cruise pulls all 4 ft of himself up and yells, "I will fire when I am goddamned good and ready!"
Also, the guy who played Sundown was the computer whiz terrorist in Die Hard.....
***With the sixteen and final pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Holly
Look above this paragraph at the sheer volume of classic cinema snacktreats bequeathed to us from the Cold War. Nuclear arms racing has never seemed so sexxxy.
Know why I love my fellow Ladies? Because there was a chance in hell one of them would pick this before me.
THESTARTERWIFE: Dammit. I knew I should have taken the Cold War.
THESTARTERWIFE: At least no one took "Reagan".
TEXAS GAL: I'm shocked no one took Miramar.
Or the bathroom counter.
LADY ANDREA: I can't believe no one took Hollywood or Stinger. Hollywood was cute and Stinger is the awesome 80s actor James Tolkan of BTTF and Masters of the Universe!
Also, I would just like to go on record and say that in the hypothetical 3rd round, my pick would've been Penny Benjamin. For the die-hard Top Gun fans out there.
TEXAS GAL: Admiral's daughter.
HOLLY: The Top Gun Anthem and "You've Lost That Loving Feeling".
J-MONEY: I don't understand why no one took the highway to the Danger Zone.
HOLLY: My first pick can take the highway to MY danger zone.
SA: I think Holly just coined a new pick-up line.
METSCHICK: uh, yeah, I think I'll be stealing that line and using it sometime soon.
J-MONEY: I'm going to start telling unwanted suitors that no one rides nto my Danger Zone until my wedding night.
Note to self: Find unwanted suitors, learn to say that with a straight face.
And there you have it. Tune in next week; we'll be drafting Designing Women. I call Julia Sugarbaker!!