Title: Ladies... Mock Draft: Top Gun Characters
The following post is one of two written by the Ladies... blog as the result of an ill-considered wager on our part. For actual KSK content that does not attract bears, feel free to click elsewhere on the site.
In typical KSK draft fashion, there is much trash-talking and things spiral rapidly out of control. In typical Ladies... fashion, we resort to pillow fighting in short order. And Holly displays an inexplicable fixation on the word "serpentine".Here's the draft order, determined by our finishes in the March Madness pool. Let's serpentine this motherfucker!
Round 1:
Holly
SA
Texas Gal
TheStarterWife
Metschick
Lady Andrea
J-Money
Clare
Round 2:
Clare
J-Money
Lady Andrea
Metschick
TheStarterWife
Texas Gal
SA
Holly
HOLLY: We got a war on, ladies.***With the first pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Holly selects:
Wolfman (Barry Tubb)
LADY ANDREA: This was TOTALLY my sleeper pick! However, Wolfman does rat out Maverick quitting and, like Peyton said, we kill snitches.***With the second pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, SA selects:
HOLLY: I wanted to pick Tom Cruise. Really, I did. He used to be so cute. I can gaze at this movie, and think of what might have been. But....no. Just--no. Fuck crazy; don't draft crazy.
HOLLY: And while SA is on the clock, I feel the need to inform the group that in a search for screenshots I found this page, complete with blinky military .gifs. Ah, Geocities. If Deadspin had animated avatar capabilities (THE HORROR), the radar one would so be mine.
Let me just say first and foremost though that I've never seen the movie so I pretty much don't care what type of character they were. Hot body is a hot body.
So with that, SA takes
Slider (Rick Rossovich)
HOLLY: Ah, the volleyball scene. Classic!
LADY ANDREA: Slider, excellent choice. One of 3 Top Gun alums to be a recurring character on ER. Also, tall and hot.
TEXAS GAL: I have to say it: Slider... you stink. (even if you do have a distinguished johnson)
***With the third pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Texas Gal selects:
Iceman (Val Kilmer)
He's a winner, he doesn't punk out, ever (take note, Maverick) and he doesn't have time for your shit. I respect that in a man. And there's also the fact that he's smoking hot.
HOLLY: He can be my wingman any time.
TEXAS GAL: Bullshit- you can be his.
LADY ANDREA: Once I was talking to a girl about the homoeroticism in Top Gun and she goes, "Oh totally! Like when they say, 'You can ride my tail anytime.'" I laughed for about 10 minutes, great gasps of laughter because how AWESOME would it have been if that was the real line.
Also, dammit. I had Wolfman all picked out b/c I knew Iceman wouldn't drop that far and then I got my hopes all up, only to be dashed by Texas Gal. Sniffle.
HOLLY: Seriously, my sleeper pick at this point is Cruise.
SA: Ok, I don't see the appeal in Val Kilmer. Even though the the sunglasses picture is hot. Still don't see it.
THESTARTERWIFE: YOU TAKE THAT BACK ABOUT VAL KILMER! Aside the fact that now he looks like a beachball, and I am pretty sure he's had a stroke that no one is taking about, he's hot.
***With the fourth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, TheStarterWife selects:
Producer Don Simpson
One of the most notorious producers to have ever gone through Hollywood, Simpson represents the shift into the modern action genre. The films he created ushered in a new era of over the top non-stop chase scenes, explosions, and overly-sexualized leads. He was the brains and the creative mind behind Simpson-Bruckheimer, (Jerry probably prays to an alter to his old friend everyday thanking him for laying down the groundwork for his now mega-career despite their break-up right before Don's death), and infamously once said - "We have no obligation to make history. We have no obligation to make art. We have no obligation to make a statement. Our obligation is to make money."
The man had a rumored $60K a month drug habit and more sex, (mostly the rough stuff) than most people have in a lifetime. Don Simpson represents almost everything I hate in Hollywood. Which means I would have met him when he was still alive, I am sure I would have gone on whatever ride he would have taken me that night.
HOLLY: GaDAYUM. Advantage: TSW.
SA: OK, wow. Didn't see a dead guy coming.
HOLLY: That's what she said. (WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.)
THESTARTERWIFE: KSK-ism. We'll all have to make sure we shower when we leave this place.
CLARE: Wow. TSW went for the heavy artillery.
Personally, I think Don Simpson represents everything that is AWESOME about Hollywood. But what do I know--I'm just "the little people."
LADY ANDREA: Nice pick on Simpson. Also, SA is dead to me. Val Kilmer may not be hot now, but Iceman was the object of my desires for many, many years. "Iceman, that's the way he flies. Ice cold, no mistakes." Damn right, no mistakes. Rowr.
***With the fifth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Metschick selects:
I'm up? My brain's still a little fuzzy from all the Slurricanes I've had over the past few days.
I'm a freak and have never seen this movie. I'm definitely going to have to watch it now, because DAYUM - those are some hot guys you all have been pickin out...
That being said, with my pick, I select:
Merlin (Tim Robbins)
I don't know what the hell Tim Robbins looked like in Top Gun, but you know what? He's a Mets fan, and that's good enough for me. I'm sorry for the lack of funny, but I think I lost my funny bone somewhere between the 1st and 2nd Hurricane last night.
THESTARTERWIFE: I love how we're doing a draft and half of the Ladies have not seen the movie, or if they have seen it, it was so long ago it is long forgotten.
Must be what it feels like to work in the J-E-T-S front office.
***With the sixth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Lady Andrea selects:
Cougar (John Stockwell)
His part is small but distinguished (the johnson joke doesn't really work here). He's also a hottie, with his big eyes and dark hair. Cougar was #1, but he lost it and turned in his wings, sending Maverick and Goose to Miramar. I'll comfort you, Cougar.
HOLLY: I'm just saying.
***With the seventh pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, J-Money selects:
Tom "Direct from 1933" Skerritt as Viper.
He's been oh-so-reliable at playing authority figures, from Alien to Top Gun to Sherriff Jimmy Brock on "Picket Fences", where his most brilliant acting triumph was pretending that Lauren Holly had talent (other than the snowball to the face scene from "Dumb and Dumber"). And I admit it. If I had been Drew Barrymore in "Poison Ivy", I totally would've seduced him too. Read that sentence again and tell me which is more terrifying... the fact that I recall plot points from a made-for-TV movie starring Darlene from "Roseanne" or the fact that I remain attracted to someone who's older than Israel.
LADY ANDREA: Holy crap, I came THISCLOSE to picking Tom Skerrit and one of my reasons was because of Poison Ivy. That scene in the rain on the hood of the car? Totally hot.
SA: I would love it if we got through with the first round and Tom Cruise wasn't picked.
HOLLY: I'm telling you, he's my sleeper pick. And I'm picking last. And I think I'll be safe.
Clare's up, and just to remind everyone, she picks twice, because we are SERPENTINING WOOOOOOOO!!! ( Try and stop me from saying it in every email from here on out. Just try.)
THESTARTERWIFE: You keep saying "serpentining" and I am going to make you watch "The Lair of the White Worm" on continous repeat. Nothing but Amanda Donohoe getting it on with a white snake, over and over again...
LADY ANDREA: You make it sound like that's a bad thing. Who doesn't like white snake sex? Here I go again, indeed.
J-MONEY: I'm adding this to the list of reasons we should be BFFs, right after the
Ultimate Warrior wrestling buddies.
HOLLY: You know what that snake would have to do? To wrap around her body? SERPENTINE.
LADY ANDREA: Were we to meet, I think the BFFness would be too much and the world would implode.
Hawls, you're making snake sex sound kinda hot. Stop that.
J-MONEY: And with this comment, I wonder why no one has ever seen you and Tawny
Kitaen in the same place at the same time. Could it be
because...YOU'RE THE SAME PERSON?
LADY ANDREA: It's true. My real name is Tawny, I do car-hood gymnastics and I flashed a nipple during the Here I Go Again video. You are like Veronica Mars. Jessica Fletcher. Columbo.
J-MONEY: And then you beat the shit out of Chuck Finley.
I'm like Columbo with better lungs and both eyes. You can't hide from me.
LADY ANDREA: So, Jelisa has both eyes. That's how we can distinguish her from Peter Falk and Sammy Davis Jr.
J-MONEY: And Sandy Effing Duncan.
HOLLY: I am posting all of this.
***With the eighth and ninth picks of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Clare selects:
The one-two punch of Maverick (Tom Cruise) and Goose (Anthony Edwards).
Where one goes, so goes the other. A wingman throws the hero's achievements--making Top Gun, boning your super-hot flight instructor, killing your best buddy in a dogfight, y'know, the usual leading-man shit--into sharp relief. Without his wingman the hero cannot truly know how to overcome obstacles on his own. And no man can pull off the "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" gambit without his wingman.
I thought about picking Jester or the air traffic controllers who spit out their coffee when Maverick buzzes the tower, but...did Jester have a glamorously lit sex scene with Kelly McGillis? Were the ATCs the inspiration for the title character in Disney's "Aladdin?"
HOLLY: Without killing his wingman the hero cannot truly know how to overcome obstacles on his own.
Fixed.
I didn't even consider the bar duet factor. This could only be pulled off by a double pick. Well played.
TEXAS GAL: Plus, you sort of need Goose's funny to distract from Maverick's crazy. If Goose hadn't been there, it would only have been a matter of time before Maverick started talking about thetans and e-meters.
LADY ANDREA: I agree, a one-two punch of Maverick and Goose is really the only way to go.
Clare's lost that lovin' feeling........shit......I hate it when she does that.
CLARE: For reals. How could you possibly break those two up?
***With the tenth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, J-Money selects:
I'm taking 1986.
Top Gun was one of about a brazillion quality flicks that came out that year, most of which I was forbidden from watching because I was 7 and my parents were suspicious of everything in theatres or on TV, including but not limited to what was under Fievel's floppy-ass hat and the suggested undertones of Pee Wee sitting on Chairy's face.
Other flicks from '86 (in order from Great to Good to Paul Hogan) were Platoon, Aliens, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Hoosiers, Stand By Me, Flight of the Navigator (aw yeah), Pretty in Pink, Back to School, and Crocodile Dundee.
Unfortunately, 1986 also included Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time", Bill Buckner, and being in Iris "Reading is for Pussies" Cooper's second grade class.
HOLLY: I dunno about this one....that said, if you take 1986 I'll be free to take the killer blue lighting in the sex scene. Excelsior!
TEXAS GAL: You cannot forget: Space Camp, Blue Velvet, Labyrinth, Color of Money, One Crazy Summer, Short Circuit & the all-time classic Howard the Duck.
***With the eleventh pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Andie selects:
Carol (Meg Ryan)
Oh yes. Meg Ryan back when she was all pixie-haired and adorable and didn't look like she'd been nipped and tucked one too many times. She and Anthony Edwards were married in real life when they filmed Top Gun, which I love. It makes them that much cuter.
She also has the best line in the entire movie: "Goose, you big STUUUUD! [that's me honey] Take me to bed or lose me forever! [show me the way home, honey]."
I also totally imitate her whenever somebody is talking about a boy they've started dating by going, "There are hearts breakin' WIDE OPEN all over the world TO-night. Because unless you are a FOOL, that boy is off the market. He is 100% primetime in LUV with you!" Hardly anybody ever gets it, but it makes me laugh and that's all that matters.
HOLLY: As long as you take that plaid thing she wears with you.
THESTARTERWIFE: Really? We could take a year? Damn. If someone now takes "The Cold War" this draft is a shammockary to fake drafts everywhere.
HOLLY: DAMMIT.
THESTARTERWIFE: Dammit! Holly, I owe you $5. Oh I see... you wanted to take "The Cold War". Well, I pick before you and now "The Cold War" is looking better than either Kenny Loggins or Tony Scott.
HOLLY: *grumble*
THESTARTERWIFE: Don't worry, I was going to pick "Wilson", but I am sure it will be gone by then too.
LADY ANDREA: I think it's a traveshammockery....
Why do you owe Holly $5?
CLARE: They WERE MARRIED?!?! Oh my God, that's so cute. Like so cute I wanna go barf (ugh, too many Cadbury Creme Eggs today).
THESTARTERWIFE: I said you'd take Kelly McGillis. Didn't everyone else take all the prop bets in this draft?
LADY ANDREA: There were prop bets? Dammit, I miss all the fun stuff. Why did you think I'd take Charlie? She scares me.
HOLLY: Your avatar kinda looks like her, Andie. It's uncanny.(see?)
TEXAS GAL: Come on, now- if everyone keeps up with the picks, there will be nothing funny left to draft.
Also, no one better draft "dog tags".
HOLLY: What about "The Indian Ocean"?
TEXAS GAL: Do not forget "Keeping up foreign relations." That pick may be too great to be drafted.
LADY ANDREA: COUGHHollywoodCOUGH, COUGHWhipHubleyCOUGH, COUGHhottieCOUGH
That was my best Iceman impression. Now I just need somebody to claim, "Because I was....inverted." DIRTY!
THESTARTERWIFE: Fine, but I predict the last picks are going to fought over in manner rarely unseen outside of the once a year Kleinman's wedding gown sale.
TEXAS GAL: Pillow fight!
LADY ANDREA: More like UFC 70: Ladies Edition
TEXAS GAL: Mmmm... Chuck Liddell....
HOLLY: Tickle fight!!
LADY ANDREA: Jello wrestling is really the best way to go....there's always room for jello!
THESTARTERWIFE: Metschick better pick soon before we all get distracted by... jello...
HOLLY: I'm sure I'm not just speaking for myself *coughJMONEYcough* when I suggest pudding as an alternative venue.
***With the twelfth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Metschick selects:
This quote:
SLIDER: Goose who's butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?
GOOSE: The list is long, but distinguished.
SLIDER: Yeah, well so is my johnson.
SLIDER: Goose who's butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?
GOOSE: The list is long, but distinguished.
SLIDER: Yeah, well so is my johnson.
Hee, dick jokes never get old.
***With the thirteenth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, TheStarterWife selects:
um...
so torn...
dammit...
(Cold War sticks it to Holly, could go with any of the music... )
Nope. Sticking with my first choice.
Director Tony Scott.
Sure, Tony doesn't get the fancy "Sir" in front of his name like his brother, but he did make one of my favorite movies of all time, True Romance. He also directed the The Last Boy Scout, infamous at the time for Shane Black's $1.75 million dollar screenplay which was sold at the height of the then out-of-control spec market. Talk about pressure.
By drafting Tony Scott, I can bench him for as long as I want and prevent him from moving forward with the remake of The Warriors that he is currently working on.
HOLLY: I heard he's setting it HERE. The hell??
THESTARTERWIFE: Yep. Set in LA, with LA gang members.
(Although TSB just told me that the project is dead as doornail right now, after Deja Vu and Domino both bombed. I'm still benching him just incase he finds some weird funding outside of the studios.)
***With the fourteenth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, TexasGal selects:
F-14 Tomcat.
In addition to looking damn sexy (and making any man in its cockpit automatically hot by proxy- hell, it even made Goose look good), the F-14 excels at going both horizontal and vertical thanks to its superior thrust-to-weight ratio. That made me hot just typing it. It is also a key component in keeping up foreign relations- and Maverick has the Polaroid to prove it. Plus, I'm a sucker for anything that can take me inverted. I could go into more detail, but then I'd have to kill you.
HOLLY: W00T! SA, take us home, honey.
***With the fifteenth pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, SA selects:
Well, my pick is going to be boring compared to everyone else. Since the year, directors, quotes, and (I'm assuming) the jet they flew is out of the picture, I guess I'm just gonna have to go back to characters in the movie. And while I've never seen the thing, I know there is one of these in there because there is always one of these in a movie.
My pick: the TBG aka the Token Black Guy (Clarence Gilyard Jr.).
It's a military movie so I'm quite sure there was one with just enough screen time that everyone will remember that he interacted with the main characters. TBG-I salute you.
THESTARTERWIFE: Hahahahahahahahahahah - SA, I think I love you.
LADY ANDREA: his call sign was "Sundown" and he was Maverick's RIO after Goose died. He gets in Maverick's face and leads to a great line where Tom Cruise pulls all 4 ft of himself up and yells, "I will fire when I am goddamned good and ready!"
Also, the guy who played Sundown was the computer whiz terrorist in Die Hard.....
***With the sixteen and final pick of the 2007 Ladies... Draft, Holly
selects:
The Cold War.
Look above this paragraph at the sheer volume of classic cinema snacktreats bequeathed to us from the Cold War. Nuclear arms racing has never seemed so sexxxy.
Know why I love my fellow Ladies? Because there was a chance in hell one of them would pick this before me.
THESTARTERWIFE: Dammit. I knew I should have taken the Cold War.
***The Runners-Up:
THESTARTERWIFE: At least no one took "Reagan".
TEXAS GAL: I'm shocked no one took Miramar.
Or the bathroom counter.
LADY ANDREA: I can't believe no one took Hollywood or Stinger. Hollywood was cute and Stinger is the awesome 80s actor James Tolkan of BTTF and Masters of the Universe!
Also, I would just like to go on record and say that in the hypothetical 3rd round, my pick would've been Penny Benjamin. For the die-hard Top Gun fans out there.
TEXAS GAL: Admiral's daughter.
HOLLY: The Top Gun Anthem and "You've Lost That Loving Feeling".
J-MONEY: I don't understand why no one took the highway to the Danger Zone.
HOLLY: My first pick can take the highway to MY danger zone.
SA: I think Holly just coined a new pick-up line.
METSCHICK: uh, yeah, I think I'll be stealing that line and using it sometime soon.
J-MONEY: I'm going to start telling unwanted suitors that no one rides nto my Danger Zone until my wedding night.
Note to self: Find unwanted suitors, learn to say that with a straight face.
And there you have it. Tune in next week; we'll be drafting Designing Women. I call Julia Sugarbaker!!
206 comments:
The fonts are hurting my eyes. The dude pictures are making me ill. (Just pat their heads, just pat their heads)
Wow, a mock draft. How original.
Good morning, boys.
I was half expecting scented posts.
HOLLY GET BACK TO SLEEP.
I can't sleep. It's like Christmas, only I'm about to be called a cunt by a bunch of strangers on the internet.
Women, God I hate 'em.
Texas Gal was right, you missed the best film of 1986, which also happened to be the best of the decade: Blue Velvet.
Mostly for every line said by Dennis Hopper.
It's daddy you shithead. Where's my bourbon?
Heiniken, fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!
No, half the guys will drop the C-bomb while the other half hit on you, causing most of us to cringe.
By the way, if you're going to make a dyke pick, Kelly McGillis was much more smokin' hot than Meg Ryan. Meg didn't start peaking until Joe Versus the Volcano.
Now who's making my waffles?
I made it all the way to the first pick before I stopped reading.
Font size=5... always a bad idea, unless you're making a Challenger joke.
I think Metschick wins because of the dick joke.
When I first saw Top Gun, my mom fast forwarded through the Tom Cruise-Kelly McGillis sex scene. Apparently, she didn't have any problems with the homoerotic content.
A note to commenters: Please pepper today's female interlopers with all the clever insults you can think of, but let's try and refrain from any outright hateful stuff. These ladies won their bet fair and square and are our guests, so let's all rib these filthy strumpets in good spirits.
weekday daddy doesnt make us watch homoerotic movies
Strange things are afoot at the KSK...
and I'm with you, Captain. That shit was long. But you have to give the Ladies... credit. Top Gun. Really?
The mock draft tries to usher in a smooth transition to more womanly posts. You may have shot yourselves in the foot by creating such a limited pool.
And Ladies Dick jokes will get you everywhere with this crowd
Is it over yet?
Wake me when you're finished, sweetheart. I'll take my eggs over-easy, my blowjob sloppy, and my sports-viewing uninterrupted, please.
Maybe they'll throw in a "kill, kill, kill" video for the classic shower scene from Caged Heat.
Or they'll do an "estrogen moments" draft for Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
Why does the website smell like potpourri this morning???
Oh yeah....girls.
Top Gun draft?
Hell why not draft chick flicks while your at it!!!
GAH!
I wish to quietly congratulate you on your win.
No worries, Mike. I guess the Ladies will just stop by after your mother leaves.
Your choice of movie leads me to believe the Ladies... are fag hags, because you can't get more gay than Top Gun outside of a gladiator movie. And really, if you're going to pick a chick at least give the impression that you intend to munch box. This is worse than I imagined.
i feel the need
the need for speed...
oh and which one of you cute little cupcakes wants to come home and cook me a nice meal and give me a blowjob!
...and now for this very important public service announcement:
despite the somewhat entertaining conversation that resulted from its mention by TSW, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, watch "The Lair of the White Worm." to say it is "nothing but Amanda Donohoe getting it on with a white snake" is akin to saying that "Manos the Hands of Fate" is "nothing but virgins in white sheets in bondage." her description reveals nothing about the fact that watching it will make your eyeballs melt out of their sockets with unparalleled alacrity.
that being said, if somebody made a *good* movie about a chick getting it on with a white snake...well, then, serpentine indeed.
As the token black guy around here let me be the first to say...
"Those sure are some nappy headed hoes"
Now I can go vomit.
MMP, this is so your fault. Damn you to hell.
SA picked up the Marques Colston of this draft. Seriously, Sundown was an absolute steal at 15 because A) You're guaranteed a laugh any time you mention his name and B) Later in his career he played Jimmy Trivette, Chuck Norris' sidekick in Walker: Texas Ranger.
i think now is a good time quote Eric Cartman, so...
"look... if they start lezzing out. just roll with it."
Hilarious. Great Work Ladies.
[/sarcasm]
At least the ladies know how to format and do proper HTML on the links, which is more than I can say for some of you.
I am Torgo, I take care of the place while the Master is away.
@burnsy
By the way, if you're going to make a dyke pick, Kelly McGillis was much more smokin' hot than Meg Ryan. Meg didn't start peaking until Joe Versus the Volcano.
While I'm torn on which lesbo pick should have come first, it's an outright travesty that there was only one and it didn't come until the 11th pick. Who do you women think you are? Matt Millen?
Who do you women think you are? Matt Millen?
I thought we were staying away from hate speech.
That was painful. I fucking hate that movie. Couldn't you have mock-drafted 1950's musicals or cupcake flavors?
well with all the homo eroticisms in this movie it would makes sense for someone act like Millen and take a Wide Receiver
I'm sorry, Holly. It was totally out of line.
Can you top off my coffee?
Ladies, I officially want to marry all of you (we'll make it work, I promise).
Gordo - you had ot backwards, 1986 was brilliant BECAUSE OF "Party all the Time" and Bill Buckner.
Wow. I waited hours for this post to be up (I'm on UK time) and when it finally appeared it took me nearly as long again to read it.
Well done ladies...excellent work. Chuck Liddell though? Seriously? I'd take Ortiz over him anyday. Hey, maybe you could do a mock draft of MMA fighters next time.
Can we make this takeover an annual event?
Also good for drafting: Golden Girls episodes, fruity girl drinks, cars you want to get fucked in and/or on, and dildo shapes.
I am Torgo, I take care of the place while the Master is away.
Now that is a movie quote I can support.
All hail Torgo and his ridiculously large thighs.
I totally would've done a cars you want to get fucked on draft.
Can we make this takeover an annual event?
Fuck and no.
whooooaaaa nelly! BABES!
hey i didnt read this but one of your names is metschick. that is hot. i like the mets. what is your number lets get together because i think we will have fun like a REALLY good time!!!!!!!
see you tonight!!!!
did leitch get laid last night or something?
How about abortion methods?
Cougar is a total Matt Millen pick.
@ Winslow: It was his sister's birthday last night. (c'mon, that's not what I meant, pervs!)
that's terrible, burnsy. were you thinking about aircraft hangars or serpentine drafts and that thought just came to mind?
How about abortion methods?
ooh, ooh, i call dibs on roofie-coolada/morning after pill slushie
There are a number of drafts I'd like to request (but I fear the ladies won't be able to pull any of them off):
1. Memorable quotations from Monty Python & The Holy Grail, Full Metal Jacket, and Animal House.
2. Times We've Gone 28 Consecutive Days Without Bouts of Hysteria, Crying & Unbridled Lunacy.
3. Good Rock Albums.
4. Suggested Variations Of The Cover-2 Zone When Facing The West Coast Offense.
5. Steaks We've Enjoyed More Than Salad
6. Debates We've Engaged In That Used Logic & Reasoning.
holly:
then why the hell didn't you? did someone veto that idea? better yet, why not just take it in that direction after the Skerritt/Barrymore reference anyway (boxy Benz, if i recall correctly)? i mean, this draft had a year, a war that wasn't a war, and a plane in it. why not a car?
@BDD
Spoilsport.
How about abortion methods?
Dibs on clotheshanger in the back alley!
Fuckin right, Ultimate Warrior wrestling buddies. Me and my brother used to each have one. We also used to hump them and see who got the biggest "bonuses". Repressed memories, good times.
Abortion methods...Cannibal Holocaust anyone?
@ Peter
Just wow. But you probably should have used Gold Dust dolls.
Mike-
I'm more of a Life of Brian girl. "You want to have babies? You can't have babies! You 'aven't got a womb! Where's the fetus gonna gestate, you gonna keep it in a box?"
Rock albums? The post below this one has a "Time" lyric. Pink Floyd'll do, but I'm getting ready to go to the gym so I've got Zep, AC/DC, Metallica, and Mastodon on shuffle. And no "the gym" does not involve choreographed step aerobics, hand-clapping, or yoga.
And finally, the NY Strip I grilled for dinner last night was pretty good. Marinated it with W'shire sauce, garlic, cracked black pepper, and a splash of Jack Daniels.
Anything else?
abortion methods...
is it too late to try and trade up a few draft spots? i want to try and get "3 week coke binge" early in round 1 before fucking big daddy drew jumps all over it.
No decent griller or self-respecting man puts anything on a steak except garlic salt and black pepper. Unless its some poor quality sirloin or marinating steak. Strips, ribeyes, porterhouses, filets, and tbones, should never be marinated. Ladies...
Are any of you lovely young ladies wearing any of the items drafted in the clothing and accessories that accentuate the hotness of womankind mock draft?
THESTARTERWIFE: KSK-ism. We'll all have to make sure we shower when we leave this place.
A Ladies... group shower at the end of the day? This is a fantastic idea, so long as you video tape it. I think BDD would agree to letting you gals run the show again, and soon.
Hell, a group shower at the end of the day is what we expect from the regular KSK mafia anyway, so we'll all be right at home. Execept, of course, we normally don't want any video.
I gotta see this movie again. I had no clue Ranger Trivett was in "Top Gun!"
I don't know what led to this takeover, and I'm not familiar with any of these dames, but that was a funny mock draft. Well played.
Drafting years, quotes, and producers in a character draft?
That's moist.
J-Money's a tough chick, I have to give it to her. Steak, Metallica, Life Of Brian quotations . . . and mother-blowjob jokes.
But what about the 28 Days of Sanity & The Reasoned Debate requirements. They've gotta be trouble for any self-respecting XXer.
I say the ladies did a good job. It's like KSK but a bunch of actual, horny bitches as opposed to a total Dorkfest. I found this post somewhat amusing and I'm definitely 16% more gay than when I woke up this morning. If that was your goal, you vixens, then fucking bravo for you.
I'm gonna go rub baby oil all over myself and jump up and down for a while...
How about abortion methods?
I like drowning, it gets rid of all of the evidence.
Are any of you lovely young ladies wearing any of the items drafted in the clothing and accessories that accentuate the hotness of womankind mock draft?
I wore a pearl necklace to work today.
Morning, boys.
I'm wearing the Cowboys cheerleader outfit, as requested yesterday.
Also, a cars to have sex in/on draft? We need to make that happen.
Didn't the moist cunt Bill Simmons do something similar already?
He used dialogs instead of man meat
Cars to have sex in.... Econo Line Van. Like the one from Seinfeld.
I wore a pearl necklace to work today.
Cue ZZ Top
I'm wearing the Cowboys cheerleader outfit, as requested yesterday.
thank you texas gal.
Will the next post have pictures of all the ladies in their respective outfits for us to grade?
Cars NOT to have sex in or on...
Anything driven by Ted Kennedy
Baseball season makes it difficult for me to remain rational for more than a couple of days at a time. From October-February though, it's all sunshine and candy corn.
The reasoned debate question makes me think of that Jack Nicholson line: "I start with a man and then I take away reason and accountability".
I've been having an ongoing discussion with some friends about which albums from our lifetime will eventually be covered/given a tribute by bands in the future. Does that count?
Godammit devang! I just knew you'd use the words "moist cunt" at some point today!
How about abortion methods?
I'm taking the good old-fashioned punch to the stomach. It's cheap and deeply personal, especially if you let a primal scream and really let the fist marinate for a few seconds.
Texas Gal--
More entertaining Rose Bowl: 2005 or 2006?
Cars NOT to have sex in or on...
Anything driven by Ted Kennedy
or billy joel
The Ladies... have nothing to prove to mike, as he has obviously never talked to a woman he wasn't paying for the privilege.
Regardless of what you ladies are actually wearing, in my mind you're all naked, with a sheen of perspiration as you stand over the stove frying my bacon. Beware the grease pops. I don't like women with welts.
Ooooohh, the Ladies... are posting at KSK. Is it wrong that I'm so turned on right now?
Janie, the tag is very appropriate for that person.
Have not been up to speed on the EPL. How's Villa these days?
Ok, so I just got out of the shower and am hurriedly reading this before I have to get dressed and head out to the office.
I found this post somewhat amusing and I'm definitely 16% more gay than when I woke up this morning. If that was your goal, you vixens, then fucking bravo for you.
I am taking this compliment to the grave.
The Ladies... have nothing to prove to mike, as he has obviously never talked to a woman he wasn't paying for the privilege.
Ouch. Mamacita with the hard right hand.
@biggus rickus
I did get a slight burn once from baking cookies naked. Maybe a flimsy, sheer apron could be worn for frying the bacon?
Where's Andie? We miss her.
awful chief- I was actually at both games in Pasadena, and I love you for giving me the choice.
As fun as it was beating Michigan, it really can't compare to flushing a team full of used Trojans down the toilet to win a MNC. Advantage: 2006.
Cars NOT to have sex in or on...
Anything driven by Ted Kennedy
A Chappaquiddick joke? Timely and original.
Since you're already back in 1969, why not go all the way and stick it to Spiro Agnew or Country Joe and the Fish?
How about a sexual acts/postitions draft. Dibs on "Strawberry Shortcake".
Also, I'm pissed the Cubs game got snowed out today, thus ruining my chances to start drinking at the bars at 9:30 am today. Therefore, I'm just gonna have to have some Maker's here at my house. I can't have skipped work for nothing.
I must say, I was ready to bitch about Estrogen Day at KSK - but this was actually pretty funny. It may have ruined Top Gun for me though. Shit.
@Mamacita
Your demands are acceptable, so long as the flimsy, sheer apron doesn't extend beyond mid-vag.
Perhaps there haven't been any celebrity drunk driving accidents since 1969.
Do you know how I know you're ###? Because you had a mock draft involving male Top Gun characters...wait...oh...you mean they're women...oh, I get it...fucking MMP.
Hello, boys (and Ladies...).
@ devang
We had an away win (shock horror) followed with a limp dick draw at home, and are currently lying in spectacularly poor 14th place. This is normal season for the Claret and Blue. I'm actually hoping Birmingham City get promoted so we can have some good old fashioned violent derbies.
mid-vag?.
Scratches head in puzzlement
cars to have sex in/on I believe Kitt from Night Rider is for sale. William Daniels giving a running commentary of the proceedings...awesome.
Good morning metschick. Late start?
Now, now, Mamacita. Play nice. Look at J-Money: rising to my challenges on command, and for that, the whole room is grateful.
Pleasing the guys is the goal, no?
As to the "talking to a woman without paying" thing, you're correct. After nearly 8 years of marriage, talking to the woman who takes my money ain't exactly something I wake up looking forward to.
mid-vag?
Scratches head in puzzlement
Yeah, I didn't really think that through.
OH...MY...GOD....
Wake me when it's over!
Seriously, though, Top Gun has got to be the only movie in history where you have high-powered engines, shit blowing up, and it STILL comes across gay as hell.
@Mike-
Married for 8 years? Well no wonder you're asking the Ladies for a BJ.
For what it's worth (and it's worth a lot)...I'm rocking the plaid mini today. And my Ned Is My Homeboy t-shirt.
How did no one select the Hong Kong rubber dog shit? Too flaccid? Or is it just too weird too use something resembling shit as a masturbationary device?
Is masturbationary even a word?
And will the ladies be doing any bukkake-ing today? Inquiring minds need to know.
holly, exactly how much? Redheads can get almost anything they want from me.
Okay, mike and biggus rickus. Here you go. http://tinyurl.com/yub83v
BTW, I've been married for 11 years. You just have to find the wife's kinky side -- I promise it's there.
iggy - What testosterone-fuelled, blowing shit up, high-powered engine movie DOESN'T come across gay as hell?
holly, don't forget the edible panties.
I'm wearing the Cowboys cheerleader outfit, as requested yesterday.
Therefore, I'm just gonna have to have some Maker's here at my house.
You got me hotter than Georgia asphalt. Anyone else feeling a little moist right now?
Ooh, the Ladies... should have BDD wearing that getup while he makes us all some orzo salad.
See, you like me now...wait until the next post before making an offer you might regret. Trust me.
For what it's worth (and it's worth a lot)...I'm rocking the plaid mini today. And my Ned Is My Homeboy t-shirt.
Is the t-shirt perhaps a little too tight?
And j-money, I'm working on 12 years of marriage so Mike's got nothing to bitch about.
Since I turned 21 in 1986 (That's right, Lisa_from_Illinois = old. Suck on it.) I have to applaud that pick. It was a very good year, from what I can remember.
You ladies need to work on the word to hot (girl) picture percentage. Half of my reason for scrolling down is knowing there's a barely clad cheerleader hiding somewhere.
'm wearing the Cowboys cheerleader outfit, as requested yesterday.
Therefore, I'm just gonna have to have some Maker's here at my house.
You got me hotter than Georgia asphalt. Anyone else feeling a little moist right now?
yea i had to loosen my tie a little after reading that...
also isn't moist one of those forbidden words you don't say around the ladies.
Sorry if that came across as implying you're going to like us MORE after the next post. This is very much not the case. Cover your hearts.
That was fucking long. What a bunch of size queens. I have to say, that was the best guerrilla takeover of a sports blog I've ever seen. I laughed, I cried, and I got a little misdirected wood. Well played Ladies...
hmmm...DS crashes and the Ladies...take over KSK...I smell a conspiracy, and the conspiracy smells fishy....ladies...
TSW takes a dead guy? I gotta admit, necrophilia is one helluva turn on!
Also, let me get this straight.. if I want to poke TSW's vag, all I have to do is make my spermshooter all black, crumbly and dead like?
Count me in!
holly -
love the plaid mini, but are those really aviators that wolfman is wearing? kudos to the ladies...
also isn't moist one of those forbidden words you don't say around the ladies.
I think that was the point.
I have to say, that was the best guerrilla takeover of a sports blog I've ever seen.
There has been more than one? (Deadspin-Gawker day does not count. They get paid.)
It's not that the guy is dead, it is what he represented. Drugs, hookers, and falling asleep in Paramount meetings.
also isn't moist one of those forbidden words you don't say around the ladies.
I think that was the point.
yea i realized that after the fact. that pick of slider has me all messed up this morning.
Mett - He's an aviator, ain't he?
(Good point. But I liked this shot better.)
@Holly
Are you implying that your next post will be worse than a mock draft of charcters and equipment and years of release and entire fucking eras involving a gay fighter pilot movie? Will it be a treatise on why rainbows, unicorns and Hello Kitty are superior to guns, naked women and G.I. Joe?
How can you choose Maverick and Goose with one pick? The two main characters in Top Gun - aren't there any rules in this draft?
How about the Raiders pick Calvin Johnson AND JaMarcus Russell with their first pick.
Terrible.
Devang: yes. Story of my life.
Okay, mike and biggus rickus. Here you go. http://tinyurl.com/yub83v
Thanks, Mamacita. Verrrrry nice.
(You see, fellas? Talk mean to 'em and they'll still give you what you want. Soft-hearted breed these women-folk.)
I've been married for 11 years. You just have to find the wife's kinky side -- I promise it's there.
Oh, I know it's there. It's the talking I'm objecting to after 8 years. And it's not kinkiness we married guys pine for. It's the loss of variety. Hence . . .
Married for 8 years? Well no wonder you're asking the Ladies for a BJ.
Exactly, J-Money.
rickus: Partially true. Batten down the hatches, and don't say we didn't warn you.
holly -
well argued...i think i had a pair of those in 5th grade...god, i'm old
Michael - She had the 8 and 9 picks.
Does someone need to explain to this guy who a draft works?
You cannot let a cheerleader outfit, a day off of work and a good bottle of whiskey go to waste. For real- is there anything finer than breakin' through that red Maker's wax seal on a fresh bottle?
Let me get this straight... I make a reference to Ted Kennedy being somewhat of a questionable choice for a woman to get into a car with and I am getting called out on it?
wow.
Last time I checked, the guy is not dead and does still drink like a fish. As a result, the reference is both timely and appropriate.
Moreover, considering the fact that the draft had an "in the past" motif, I think your comments are completly overblown... unlike yourself. (zing!)
Does someone need to explain to this guy who a draft works?
Thank god he posted as "Michael," not as Mike! Lack of draft-accumen is a sin I never want on my resume.
There has been more than one? (Deadspin-Gawker day does not count. They get paid.)
TSW - I was being "clever".
Back to the dick jokes I guess.
Texas Gal - Yes - The sound of a martini shaker.
Does someone need to explain to this guy who a draft works?
Yes, and it should be a Lady... and the word serpentine should be used heavily. Moist should also be tossed in there a few times.
Ladies:
I apologize on behalf of all men for Michael's lack of understanding about a Serpentine draft.
Jesus fucking Christ.
@Texas Gal
You can tell youre not from Kentucky. Nobody calls it Whiskey. Its Bourbon. And its the best goddamn bourbon on planet earth.
Me at bar: Makers with a splash of Seven. And when I say splash I mean (makes hand motion of dipping fingers in glass and splashing)
I have to say I'm a little bummed to learn that the actor who played Wolfman was named Barry. He seems to hot for that.
And thanks for the picture of Iceman in uniform with the glasses - he may not be much now, but back then Val my favorite. I'm a sucker for blond hair.
How can you choose Maverick and Goose with one pick? The two main characters in Top Gun - aren't there any rules in this draft?
Dude, it was a serpentine draft. And even if it wasn't I don't think the Ladies... would have wanted to break those two up.
Can I just say that I had a ZERO in the KSK-Ladies... pool and even I was able to figure out how the draft works? I can? Thanks.
Did somebody say SERPENTINE??
(Sorry. It's a sickness.)
Do the cum dumpsters have anything else they'll be posting or did they blow their taco stands on this draft and leave us to a zillion comments for the rest of this estrogen-laden day?
Peter - I have to leave my options open, because Irish whiskey is my first love. But I finished the Jameson last night, so now it's on to the bourbon. So I say "whiskey" so as not to let any good whisky or whiskey (be it bourbon, Irish, sour mash or Scotch) feel left out.
And may I say, I like the cut of your jib. Any man who does straight bourbon is a man after my own heart.
Medium well? It's medium rare or nothing at all.
You don't deserve to eat.
What the eff, Ladies... no one takes James Tolkan? That anger could manifest itself nicely, nah mean?
Medium-well= Female, homosexual, black, or old. Am I close?
No disrespec, I used to be a server.
These diesel dykes should draft "implements used for bush thaching" ... I need to see who goes with the FIRESTARTER!!!!!!
Peter- It's a trick. Get an ax.
Medium well?
Medium rare?
Rookies.
If the cow was alive on a day in which it was over 100 degrees, it is already too well done.
I'm finally here and I'm hungover as fuck. Thanks for asking about me, Devang.
Sorry I didn't talk about dyking out with Carol. I don't want to, Charlie either. For more on this subject see the comment thread for Flubby's post yesterday.
I don't look like Kelly McGillis!
And yes, Clare, medium rare is the only way to eat steak. Marinade is for sissies.
Who eats a medium-well steak?
Amateur.
Texas Gal - I would like to humbly request that all women cease and desist all use of the terms "cut" and "jib" together. It makes me uncomfortable.
I do like Maker's Mark though.
Marinade is for sissies.
Truer words have never been said. My dad just bought $100 of organic grass-fed Lancaster County steaks for my birthday dinner and all those babies are getting is olive oil, kosher salt and black pepper.
Mmmmm, Jameson......my raison d'etre.
Medium well? I hardly ever eat meat, but when I do... RARE!
Medium well? It's medium rare or nothing at all.
You don't deserve to eat.
Couldn't agree more. I'd say well done, but then I'd have to flagellate myself for the terrible pun.
Is it "rare" (in quantity) that you eat meat or, when you eat meat, it is "rare" (in preperation)?
Or... both
By the way, I only have one criticism about this draft.
How can you celebrate the word serpentine without a GNR "Welcome to the Jungle" reference??
How? Because Axel Rose is not hot.
I'll give the ladies this, they know how to eat meat. And yes, you can take whatever way you want.
And holly, bring on the next post, we can take it.
I get royally pissed off when I invite my friends over for steaks and they come into my kitchen and start seasoning steaks(even though I already posted this on this thread, garlic, salt, and pepper are the only seasoning accepted) and then they hover over me while Im grilling (charcoal is the ONLY way to go). Tell me how you like it cooked (your options or rare and medium rare, anything else and you can use the broiler, pussy) grab a Sam or a Guinness and sit your ass on the couch. Steaks will be up in ten minutes.
The harder question is how everyone has been talking about "serpentine" for so long and not a single soul has referenced The In-Laws
McSheisty, I hear you.
I like my steak nice and rare, but I don't like it cold inside. So even though it smokes up my kitchen something fierce, I like to start a steak on the stove in a cast-iron skillet so it gets that nice exterior cruddiness and finish it in the oven so it warms through.
TSW - why does it matter if Axl is hot or not? he uses serpentine as a noun.
Medium well
{In his best Sergeant hartman voice}: What Is This?
Dude, that better be some a' that irony shit (you know, the stuff that a CHICK, Alanis, couldn't get straight in her own song). 'Cause if not, you need to hand your balls over to Holly, Claire, or Starter Wife right now.
Cooking a fine piece of dead beef any more than medium-rare is an INSULT to the memory of the steer that sacrificed its life for your dining enjoyment.
You may get a visit tonight from the Minotaur or some similar shit for a sin that severe.
Serpentine drafts, properly-cooked steaks! We're haven't even gotten to the 200-level courses and guys are already fucking things up. Jeez.
I can just imagine Sgt. Hartman holding the overcooked piece of steak in between his two fingers like the jelly donut.
man I love Top Gun.
my roommate soph year and I used to go to sleep to it every night and set the VCR timer...if we turned it on the next night and Goose was about to die, we rewound and restarted.
for the record, not a Val Kilmer fan over here.
and a TRUE mid rare steak (warmed through but still fully red) is the only way to go.
very nice, Ladies....
I admit, I don't know shit about grilling steaks. That's what men are for.
So I bow to the superior skillz of my Ladies...
john shotter: Thank you! The original In-Laws was a ridiculously good movie, and I ran around doing the serpantine thing for weeks after seeing it.
The next time you're at a steak house just tell the waiter you want him to knock it's horns off, wipe it's snotty nose, and bring it out to you. If it doesn't make at least one try for the door you've fucked it up.
Corn fed > organic grass fed.
redhead - The General at the end clinched it. I remember being a kid and pretending to talk to my hand like he did to make my parents laugh.
Once, at basic, I made a "serpentine" reference and made a bunch of people laugh. I had to run like that for about an hour for punishment.
why does it matter if Axl is hot or not?
Bcause this is a ladies...takeover! Hotness is everything.
Doing the serpentine run is more fun than regular running anyway (which sucks on so many levels) - well, except for the whole crouched over totally awkward movement thing. So I don't feel sorry for you, john shotter.
redhead - yeah, but, doing that for an hour directly after eating chow is a different story all together.
Good job ladies *pats heads*
oh, and Top Gun is gay.
Proof ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHklGtW3rwU
john shotter: Excuses don't make the complaining more manly. But you're an In Laws fan, so I'll let it go.
The Ladies...and Mike are correct. Steaks need to be medium rare. I like to see a bit of pink and I want to see a little bit of blood when I cut into it.
Jameson's is mother's milk. Enough said.
Well done, Ladies...this many comments and I just got up. Damn Pacific time.
@ Slate
Someone already posted that link.
so im not sure if anyone has made this joke yet because i read through most of the comments but in the immortal words of gone with thei wind (intentionally using a chick flick)
Frankly my dear, I just don;t give a danm!
redhead - I was not complaining, I was reminiscing. Big difference.
@ peter
I'm new here. Leave me alone. I am sensitive (boy did I pick the right day to post this)
Chuckles, you're totally right. Grass-fed cows from the West or in the UK or whatever are terrible. Corn fed is the best way to go.
Sorry KSK I will be back tomorrow reading this Top Gun draft crap is about as interesting as watching Sex in The City.
Good Work Ladies...I love talking steaks, liquor, ladies, and stupid movies involving airplanes.
Which is why you didn't do an Airplane! mock draft. I want to watch TSW draft the zucker brothers.
TIM I THINK I LOVE YOU!
Do you know how much I love the Zuckers? Do you know how I shook like a leaf when I David Zucker a couple of years ago? (And that once then almost puked when Robert Hayes looked right down my shirt?)
Clarence Gilyard Jr. was also the token black guy in Walker, Texas Ranger
Talk about being typecast . . .de
Corn fed is the best. The absolute best.
It works for cows too.
My wife's best friend eats her steak with the following instructions to the cook...
One minute each side. That's it.
I can't even watch that....
Did anyone take Holly's plaid mini-skirt in the draft? If not, I'm going to sign it to a ridiculously huge contract in free agency.
Ladies, this was exceptional. Your name is so going on the winner's plaque. Great job.
Oh and I love the Cold War picture, wonderful collage work there.
Hey Slate, hate to do this to you again but someone also talked about Walker, Texas Range. This is why you should read through threads.
Ladies...
what can I say? Today, I'm more proud than ever to be a girl. Well done. I just wish I had more time, but paying clients just don't seem to stop calling and coming to my office. Oh well...
Anybody — and I mean ANYBODY — who trashes Rick James' and Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time" loses. Period.
"You give your number to every man you see / You never come home at night because your out romancin / I wish you'd bring some of your love home to me"
Pure. Musical. Genius.
"I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue."
Of course you like me, StarterWife I am part of the Yinzer Mafia.
Yea for Yinzers!
You Ladies that didn't watch Top Gun are a disgrace to Mock Drafts and bicurious men everywhere; and I assume that includes all of you except for Andie.
I choose Miramar, but that's mainly because my office window looks directly towards it.y
Well, that was a colossal and epic waste of my time. What good is a post about menstruation without some blood?
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