Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Better Know A Draft Pick: Mason Crosby


NOTE: We're pleased to bring you this BKADP entry from special guest poster STW of the great Name Of The Year blog. Take it away, my man...

Name: Mason Crosby

Height: Taller than Jackie Mason, shorter than David Crosby
Body Type: Right thigh bigger than mole on Ginny Sack's ass
Speed: 8.3 (sidelines to ball spot)

Urine Sample: Good trajectory, stream tends to fade right
Stool Sample: Tiny pieces of Martin Gramatica

Criticisms: Doesn't follow through when kicking longer field goals, jerking off

Mainstream Comparison: Sebastian Janikowski
KSK Comparison: Nigel "The Leg" Gruff

Who's Interested: His mother, other kickers

Who Will Take Him
: The Falcons. Need rookie to kick off, attempt long field goals, escort Morten Andersen to and from Buckhead Assisted Living Facility

Honors: Runner-up for Lou Groza Award in 2005. Didn't stab teammate in the leg like backup punter at other school in Colorado

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Has to hit 60 golf balls at a driving range two days before every game. This will lead to the following conversation:

BERMAN: Mason "Bing" Crosby! Looks like whoever drafts him will have to hold a celebrity golf tournament.

JAWORSKI: Another kooky kicker, Boomer.

BERMAN: I keek a touchdown!

(Cut to highlight of Garo Yepremian throwing interception in Super Bowl VII)


Ambitions: Not fucking up just enough to make $30 million in career kicking a football five times a week.

Projection: Drafted in third round. Subject of 43 newspaper profiles speculating whether he can break NFL field-goal record of 63 yards. Forgotten until misses first potential game-winning kick. Gang-raped by offensive line when misses another. Released when misses third. Plays seven seasons for Laredo Lobos of afl2.

14 comments:

devang said...

Stool Sample: Tiny pieces of Gramatica brothers

Fixed.

The Last Unitard said...

Go Lobos!

Otto Man said...

Stool Sample: Tiny pieces of Gramatica brothers

Tiny pieces of tiny men. It's like a Zen riddle.

sledgod said...

No follow through? Inexcusable. Although that tends to explain the fade right.

Burnsy said...

He's no Matt Prater.

denvergodfather said...

Stabbing our competition is how we roll in the mountain states

the butler said...

My little sister could boot a 60-yarder at Colorado altitude...

He will suck unless the Broncos take him.

liquid_d said...

He will suck especially if the Broncos take him... because all Broncos suck.Besides, they need another guy to choke in the playoffs since Plummer left.

Vanilla said...

@ butler: He hit a 60 yarder in Miami. In Colorado he was hitting them from even further out.

Did you miss what DenverGodfather said? Don't make me come stab you in the leg.

the butler said...

@liquid: Good point about the Donkeys...

@ vanilla:

58-yarder.
And I was just joshing, anyway...I think the kid is awesome - didn't know his mom was a reader.

If you come and stab me (I'm in Vail) you can watch my sister kick a 70-yarder up here and visit your son in Boulder on your way home.

Stuck in the Ivy said...

Aren't all kickers just converted soccer players? And doesn't that make them all pansies? I'm surprised one of them had the gall to stab another one in the leg. I would have expected a slap to the face and a run away screaming.

Jack said...

Aren't all kickers just converted soccer players? And doesn't that make them all pansies?

Didier Drogba will eat your children.


STW- you mysterious genius!

Bad Becks said...

Love the Nigel Gruff reference. Then NFL needs more kickers w/mullets who smoke while lining up for a kick...at least I think so.

L said...

The altitude in Colorado will only add 2-3 yards to any kick. Crosby can kick the shit out of the ball.