Monday, April 30, 2007

SlickBomb's NFL Draft Report, Part 2

None of us at KSK were able to attend this weekend's draft. But longtime Deadspin commenter SlickBomb had the testicular fortitude to get up at o'dark thirty to go wait in line at 5AM for the draft. Here, he provides us with a photo diary/KSK merchandise infomercial. Big thanks to SlickBomb for this. Judging by some of the photos, he may have Parkinson's Disease. We wish him a speedy recovery.

Read Part 1 HERE. Up now: A cornucopia of fans get their hands on the Internet's hottest schwag. Click on any of the pics to see a bigger version.

Three fans of sub-par teams. Also funny? Outside of their appearance? The fact that but a few hours later the Raiders fan's jersey would be out of date.

I wasn't the only one a fan of KSK's merch. Every time someone gave it a look it got more than a polite laugh:

Now kids, did you ask your mom if you could come to the draft?

This guy named his kid after Troy Aikman. There is no punchline here.

The back of their shirts read "Anybody BUT Quinn!" It gets me even now.

A Giants fan covering his Strahan style gap-tooth, and a Bengals fan not playing cornhole.

The draft attracts all kids, but these guys were the freakshow's freakshow.*

These guys loved not only the shirt, but the name of the website.

These guys were fans as well. KSK's taking over the world.

It's good to see what's Lattimer's been up to after his time at ESU. Also, the stuff in the brown bag? A 20 oz. can of King Cobra. You stay classy, Raiders fans.

"Now, act like your GM just chose the 4th WR in just as many years."

A father-son Raiders fan duo. The Dad was convinced that if Rich Gannon stayed healthy in 2003, the Raiders were Superbowl bound. Just pure comedy.

Bills fans, rockin' the shocker, not enjoying the J.P. Losman experience.

*I tease, but these were actually some pretty interesting people. They are the stereotypical "cool" aunts and uncle of Wisconson (now Browns') OL Joe Thomas. They both came in from Badger territory to support of Joe, and to enjoy the city for the weekend. I got to speak with them again when they also snuck into the VIP section. Very, proud, happy, and nice people.

Thanks, Slick. Up next: Part 3: Actually INSIDE the draft! Hooray!

Brady Quinn’s Inner Torment On Saturday

Man, my hair looks great. I mean, I think it looks really good. I used some product, but not a lot. I really worked it into the ends. Gives it a nice sheen. It looks playful, yet serious all at once. I think teams will get a really good message from this hair. I’m a matinee idol, but I’m also one of the guys. And that’s important. God, what a great day. I can’t wait to be a Raider. I’ve always wanted to turn a franchise around. I wonder if Jerry Porter likes to play Ultimate. I bet we could really connect if we played some Ultimate together.

With the first pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select JaMarcus Russell.

What? Oh, man. Oh, that is their loss, man. I mean, Condon told me they were planning on taking that guy, but I didn’t actually BELIEVE him. But I guess it makes sense. Everyone in Oakland is black, so they needed a black QB. I get that. That’s a very progressive attitude, and I support it. God, my hair looks great. I wish I had remembered my concealer today. I wonder if Mr. Davis noticed the blemishes. I thought they gave me a really rugged sort of look. I should have brought my concealer. Shit. Oh well, guess I’m headed to Detroit.

With the second pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select Calvin Johnson.

Oh, man. Really? No, no. That’s okay. I understand that. They have Jon Kitna already, and he’s a good Christian. I guess I’m going to Cleveland. Man, they’re gonna go crazy for my bear… uh, girlfriend in Cleveland. No one in Cleveland is this blonde. Man, she is BLONDE. Guys like blondes, right? Am I right on that? I made sure she dyed it SUPER blonde. God, she’s almost like an albino. That’s a good look. Very Finnish. Man, my hair looks good. Hello, Cleveland! Hello, Cleveland!

With the third pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Joe Thomas.

Hello? Cleveland? Man, what’s happening? Is it the Virginia Tech pin? Was that too transparent? God, my hair looks so good. Kyan Douglas did it himself. I don’t get this. Joe Thomas doesn’t have great hair. He’s not even here! He’s fishing!

Oh God, that’s it! He went fishing! That’s, like, what guys do! Oh man, he’s so smart! By, like, saying he wasn’t interested in going to the draft, that made him look tough. I totally should have skipped the draft to get my legs waxed. Or go hunting. Definitely go hunting. That’s the right move. Uh oh, here comes Suzy Kolber. Okay, act dignified. You’re going into broadcasting 15 years from now, Quinn. Get your polish down now!

Okay, that went well. Maybe Tampa will take me.

With the fourth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Tampa Bay Bucs select Gaines Adams.

Maybe not. Maybe the Redskins will. If anyone knows star power, it’s Mr. Snyder. I had dinner with him twice. I had the miso-glazed cod. I think it went really well.

With the sixth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins select LaRon Landry.

I should have ordered the porterhouse.

With the seventh pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select Adrian Peterson.

It’s the hair. I think the hair has scared people off. I think it looks TOO good. Like, if my hair looks this good, then maybe it would foster resentment in the locker room? But it looks GREAT!

Shit, you know what it is? It’s the vest. I had the vest sized one size too small. I really thought it look more manly if I were just bursting right out of it. That was an error. God, how could I have been so dumb? Clearly, I should have worn a jacket. The brown silk on the back is exposed! It’s not supposed to be exposed! Gah!

Okay Brades, just settle down. It’s clear now. We’re going to Miami. This is good. It’s a great organization. And Miami is a perfect fit! The whole scene down on South Beach is really faboo. Okay, I’m excited. So I lost a little money. People in Miami will understand this hair, and what it’s all about. I feel good. I’m gonna try and smile now, even though I can usually only manage a half-smirk, just like every lacrosse player ever born. All right, sunny Miami! Here I come!

With the ninth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select…


Ted Gi…

I can’t see. I think I’m blind. Is this really happening? Can I get a Dasani? I think I’m having a hot flash. Oh God, here comes Suzy again. Oh, God. Man, she’s got the same look on her face that she gets when someone’s been carted off the field wearing a halo. I can’t face her… I have to get away… I have to… I have to… GO DANCING.

(leaves, goes dancing)

God, that felt great. Sometimes, you just have to go dance. It’s so freeing. Where are we now?

The New York Jets have made a trade.

Oooooh! Delicious! The Big Apple. Nice. Brades, I think you and I are gonna be just fine. I think I’ll live in DUMBO. That’s a very in neighborhood right now. John Norris from MTV lives there, I think.

With the fourteenth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select…

Hoo boy, here we go!

…Darrelle Revis.

Who the fuck is that? No, I’m NOT fine, thank you. I am now officially PISSED OFF. Okay? I did everything right except beat ranked opponents. Look at my hair! I didn’t get this hair styled just to be a second rounder! Ridiculous. Nobody else coordinated like I did, god dammit. I want some resolution here.

(phone rings)

Condon? Hey, ‘sup. What? The Ravens want to trade up for me? Really? You know what? That’s perfect. And you know why? Because none of this would have happened if those fucking Browns had just picked me. Fuckers. Fuck Cleveland. There. I said it. Fuck ‘em. They don’t rock SHIT. You don’t deserve this hair, Cleveland. You’re just Columbus on a fucking lake. Okay? Look at me! I’m showing some fire! I’m a competitor, God dammit! And now I get to go to the Ravens and torture you Clevelanders for the rest of your fucking existence. The irony is a delight. You’ll pay, Cleveland. Brades is gonna haunt you.

The Cleveland Browns have made a trade.

Pfft. Whatever. They probably traded up to draft a tater tot or some other inanimate object. Fuck you Cleveland.

With the twenty-second pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Brady Quinn.

Oh. Uh, goodie. Um… I love Cleveland! I really do! Always have! I’m really excited. No, I really am. Joe Thomas. Dennis Northcutt. It’s great. How my hair? Is it okay? I hope this hat doesn't ruin it.

SlickBomb's NFL Draft Report, Part 1

None of us at KSK were able to attend this weekend's draft. But longtime Deadspin commenter SlickBomb had the testicular fortitude to get up at o'dark thirty to go wait in line at 5AM for the draft. Here, he provides us with a photo diary/KSK merchandise infomercial. Big thanks to SlickBomb for this. Judging by some of the photos, he may have Parkinson's Disease. We wish him a speedy recovery.

Who is that gangly cracka?

I got up at 3:00 in the morning the day of the draft. It took me an hour to get all my shit together, and get to the 1 train from the Upper East Side. Because some delays with the train, I got to Radio City Music hall at 5:00 on the button, and the line was already three blocks long and seven people deep. Give credit RE: ESPN/NFL hype machine. According to the guys waiting on line with me, the line had never been that bad before.

In front of me.

In back of me after about 15 minutes.

I don't remember when the gates opened up to take tickets. But I'd say it was about a 2-3 hour wait from where I was standing. It was light out by the time I arrived at the window, and I was one of the last people able to get tickets. All those people waiting behind me for three hours? Access denied. Early bird catches the worm, bitches. Better luck next year, and good luck getting those three hours of your life back.

As a consolation, the NFL set up an NFL fan-fest just next to the Time-Life Building about three blocks away, and invited fans to participate. "Fan-fests" at events like these basically mean "ridiculous amounts of product placement." When the thing wasn't even set up yet, I was able to get some pictures before it started to swarm with tired, pissed off fans.

The front of an inflatable obstacle course, which was for allowing for fat Bills fans to bounce around as fast as they can, leading I'm sure to considerable hilarity.

The back of the Sprint NFL-mobile truck. They were setting it up when I first arrived, but I asked if some other fans and I could get a sneak preview. Inside there was a mini highlight reel of plays filmed throughout the NFL season. Conspicuously absent? Marty's yearly choke job, Chad Johnson's end-zone antics, Randy Moss mailing it two games after the season, and Shawne Merriman doing his needle dance. Visitors even got to call an NFL play that was recorded and is presumably now on the Sprint Mobile website, although I didn't check. If you want to hear me, search for William X, as I chose not to use my slave name.

Sprint guy rockin' the KSK merch.
A full-scale model of Rex Grossman's testicle, designed by Rex.
Did you know Hummer sponsored the draft? True story. It's funny, because I really couldn't tell.

This was a tent that would later give out free copies of the ESPN draft magazine which ended up, predictably, being often very wrong. On the right, you can see actual real journalists doing the exact same thing I'm doing, but with better equipment, nicer clothes, and infinite times more money! +1 to anyone who recognizes him.

I also nabbed a few of these things at fan fest. When I saw this, I thought it was a 25 dollar gift card at Burger King. I took like 10. I was looting that booth like it post-Katrina N'awlins. As it turns out, though, it just might be 25 dollars—you have to go onto the website to be sure. Seriously not cool.

Coming up: Part 2, where NFL fans frighten and sadden us.

Friday, April 27, 2007

It’s Your Turn To Draft And Be Sexy

We’ve done many a mock draft these past few weeks. But why should we, the KSK Gay Mafia, be the only ones who get to have all the fun? We’re gonna bypass the usual cheerleader post and present you with the first-ever KSK commenter mock draft. And you get the top mock draft of them all: Famous Women Or Men You Get For An Evening. The rules here are very simple. This is a celebrity you get for a night to do with as you please. Picks are first come first served. But only pick one person, and once you pick, you must wait 10 picks before making another selection. Once 10 other commenters have picked, you can then pick another person. And please, try and provide some linkage for the masses. Add a NSFW warning if appropriate.

Oh, and no picking Keeley Hazell. I took her first. Enjoy the draft everyone. And the NFL draft as well.

NOTE: One other rule: No time traveling. You pick someone in their current metaphysical state. No "Liz Taylor whe she was thin" bullshit.

KSK Celebrity Draft Analyst: Spiderman

It'd be nice if I could sit down for a few hours on a Saturday and Sunday to watch the NFL Draft. But nooooo, I need to save some dowager from a man-sized lizard scientist who emerges from the subway and just happens to be on a homicidal bent. This shit drives me up the wall.

Fuck. Sorry about that. It's all the residual bad puns I have after being bitten by a radioactive Stan Lee. That radiation is the only thing keeping that goofy bastard alive. That and Spike Lee-like movie cameos.

Anyway, I'm your fucking neighborhood fucking friendly fucking Spiderman. Cheer for me as I contemplate quitting the supaheera game at the 41st minute of the movie you watch next Friday, only to make a triumphant return at the denouement. I bet I'll have to face off with the Kingpin in Spiderman 4. He was black in the Daredevil movie for whatever reason.

So, yeah. What I wouldn't give to spend my weekend vegging out and watching the draft and taking that pert firecrotch of mine up the ass at every commercial break.

I see the Raiders are picking first. Somehow the powerful black suits have endowed them with enhanced abilities to implode. I asked Aunt May who I think they should go with, because I'm a young man with incredible talents and resources in a city with incredible access to poon and I spend all my time tending to my withered aunt. She keeps nattering on about how she'd like to be plowed by that ripe young fox, Al Davis. That's kind of fucking gross, but it gets her away from jilling herself off to the Vulture.

Being from New York, I'm a huge Jets fan. Why is it that they consulted with Larry David but couldn't deign to talk to someone who has saved the city untold times? At least stick with a native nebbish Jew like Woody Allen, except he'd want Marshall McLuhan to play left guard. Doesn't Larry David live in L.A. anyway? I fucking hate L.A. How are you supposed to travel around on web when there are no tall buildings to attach on? No wonder why they don't have an NFL team.

I like Mangenius but when he straps on that rhino suit, man, we just have to have it out. It's not too bad, he's ready to call it off and have a butter sandwich after his fourth charge at me. The Jets pick 25th and the first round already takes all fucking day anyway. It all starts at noon and ends around 7. I've already saved the fucking city a good half dozen times and I'm ready for it to go to shit again.

You know what's good for watching the draft? Webbing. Yeah, that shit is downright delicious. I shoot it everywhere and no one ever thinks to take a taste of the stuff. It's kind of depressing because I've spent years tinkering with the ingredients to make it just right. I have ranch-flavored webbing too. On top of a salad, in an omelette, it really goes with everything. My plan is to whip up some awesome fucking chili, sprinkle some webbing in there and leave some over for some dip.

Fuck it. I'm just going to ignore this city's problems for a change. They got police, don't they? Shouldn't they do something for once? I'd like to see that happen. Don't think 'ol Wallcrawler doesn't have to pay taxes on the piddling photo money he makes from the Bugle and the big fat bupkis he makes from this gig. In fact I'm giving up the Spidey thing, I'm -

My league, my draft, my rules

From the desk of Roger Goodell, Commissioner, National Football League
To: Prospective draftees invited to Radio City Music Hall
Re: Draft day protocol and comportment

Pay attention, dicksmacks, I'm only going over this shit once. You will be in the green room at 10:00 a.m. on the dot wearing a suit and tie. A regular fucking suit. Three damn buttons, no more, no less. And none of the fruity Michael Irvin pinstripe shit-- black, navy or gray and a solid tie. Any deviation and I will suspend your ass on the spot. Calvin "Cheech" Johnson, Gaines "Chong" Adams and Amobi "Cypress Hill" Okoye: you three hop-heads need to show up an hour early for your mandatory drug test, pat-down/cavity search and appointment with Colonel Wags, the drug-sniffing police dog. No doobies will be smoked on my watch, fuck-o.

When waiting in the green room for your name to be called, you sit up straight in your chair with your hands folded in your lap. If a television camera focuses on you, smile politely and mime (but not utter) the phase "Hi, Mom." Not "Hey, ma." Not "Hello, mother." Your mom is dead and you wish to acknowledge a different loved one? No fucking way. My mother abandoned me with a family of coyotes when I was 11 weeks old. You ever sucked on a coyote's tit? I fucking doubt it. You don't see me, moping over it like some broad.

When I call your name, make a bee-line for the stage, mister. Use the steps on the stage-right (west side). Use the wrong steps and I will suspend your ass on the spot. Do not extend greetings to your teammates, homeboys, girlfriends or college coach. This is the NFL, you want to do your "shout-outs" go on 106 & Park, numbnuts.

Once on stage you walk heel to toe at a sharp clip. I see any ambling, loping, shambling, purposeful strides, trots, or struts, I will suspend your ass on the spot. Keep your eyes affixed at the dais as you approach. Do not wave to, look at, or otherwise acknowledge the live audience.

When you arrive at the dais I will extend my hand, you will shake it with two pumps… no more, no less. Under no circumstances are you to look me directly in the eye. My wife doesn't have that privilege, so why the fuck would a pissant like you? You will be handed a team hat. Immediately put it on your head. Do not bend the bill or otherwise modify your hat, as they will be collected at the end of the day so that I can return them to Champs Sports. I want to make sure they give me a cash refund and not some in-store credit bullshit.

Do not attempt to initiate any type of conversation with me. If I want to talk to you assholes, I will let you know. If I do speak to you, I will probably mention the indisputable genius of Phil Collins. If you like to keep your balls where they are, you will effusively agree with me, got that? You think Phil Collins is a musical god. Your favorite Phil Collins album is "No Jacket Required." You think Phil Collins shits strawberry ice cream. You got that straight, you pathetic pricks?

Lastly, the hospitality room will be open to all invitees until 3 p.m., feel free to help yourself to cider, punch and soft drinks, plus I've heard that the waffle bar is second to none.

Bon Appétit!


Limit two toppings, assholes.

Better Know A Draft Pick: Adrian Peterson

Name: Adrian "Gap Filler" Peterson

Height: Tall

Weight: Svelte

Fleet of Foot?: Walks on water--and it's not a trick.

Hometown: Palestine (/...backs away slowly...), Texas (/runs for life)

Urine Sample: High levels of old lady calcium chocolates

Stool Sample: CHUNKY!

Criticisms: He's no Adrian Peterson

Mainstream Comparison: Shaun Alexander? My ass! If anything he's like Deuce McAllister when he came out. They have the same size, same upright style, and same health concerns (for the record I thought Deuce was the best player in that draft...stupid LT). Sorry to go all analytical on you right there, let me make it up to you with a picture of a pinup on a donkey.

KSK Comparison: Charles Rogers

Adrian's Comparison: "I would say LT, just as far as vision and cuts and how he runs the ball." (ed. note: [cough]BULLSHIT[/cough])

Who's Interested: Radiologists everywhere

Who Will Take Him: Buzzsaw. Why? Why the fuck not, that's why.

Ambition: Double last year's income; overcome vertigo.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He was soooo good four years ago!

Immediate Impact: I kid around but he's a fucking stud. Seriously, he fucks horses for money.

Down the Road: Crippling arthritis

NOTE: To prepare you for the draft, we're having a light bukkake day today. So stick around for multiple posts.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

KSK Mock Draft: Cartoon Characters with Whom We'd Like to Engage in Sexual Intercourse

Well, here it is: the final mock draft before the actual draft. We may discontinue this series, because they're a pain in the ass to write up and it wouldn't make any sense... or we may continue to write them, because they're fun and it wouldn't make any sense. Today: cartoon characters we want to bang. I'll let Drew explain the rules:

These are animated characters you get to have sex with. I believe UM wanted to forbid anime characters, which is fine with me since I don't know any.

Pretty complex, huh? Draft order went from tallest to shortest, as best as we can figure since we've never all been in the same room at the same time. I guess if we'd been thinking about it, we could have all gotten together for the draft, invited all of our blogging friends, had some kind of idiotic convention, then blogged about it. But you know what? That's a little too gay -- even for us. Anyway, we begin with the obvious:

1. Big Daddy Drew: Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Impossible body. Kathleen Turner's breathy voice. Hot stripper dress. And, if you go by this NSFW picture, the carpet matches the drapes. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" was released in 1988, when I was 12 and discovering the awesome power of my right hand. Critics loved the film's homage to animation. I loved the perfectly accentuated T&A. Advantage: Drew.

2. Christmas Ape: Psylocke, "X-Men"

Somewhat of a cop-out, because she's more a fixture in the comics, but she made two brief cameos in the animated TV series, so technically it counts. Rogue is a tempting pick, but you wouldn't enjoy fucking her unless you had a full body condom on. Psylocke has a better body, anyway.

3. Captain Caveman: Cheetara, "Thundercats"

Oh, so it's weird that I want to have sex with a cat, is it? Well, blame Lorimar Telepictures for making Cheetara so fucking sexy. When this show was on, I didn't even know what sex was, and I wanted to have it with her. I hope she's not spayed.

4. Monday Morning Punter: Erin Esurance, Esurance ads

I don't know how this broad fell to number 4. She's punny, she plays hockey, she has pink hair and yet hasn't put out any annoying pop albums. The only downside is that she works for an insurance company, so she's obviously incapable of orgasm.

5. flubby: Holly Would, Cool World

Total Jessica Rabbit ripoff, but one fine piece of animated ass nonetheless.

Upside: looks like Kim Basinger when she still had her fastball, but with an even bigger rack.
Downside: offspring might turn out to be a thoughtless little pig.

6. Unsilent Majority: Lois Griffin, "Family Guy"

She's got a killer body (former model), she likes to get freaky ("HIT ME!"), and she's a total stoner.

A total reach.

7. UM: Tinkerbell ("full-size... or just shrink me down"), Peter Pan

That little fucking sexpot is hornier than pee wee at a double feature. Just look at that little outfit she wears, she's totally asking for it.

8. flub: Aeon Flux

I am now officially owning this draft.

9. MMP: Lara Croft, "Tomb Raider"

The icon. Adventurous. Violent. British.

This pick was something less than a foul, yet something more than a faux pas. Somehow the rest of us all understood inherently that video games were off limits, so we had a gentlemanly conversation about it and allowed MMP's pick with the understanding that no other video game characters were allowed (Drew: It's too easy to pick "GTA Hooker #24") and that MMP should escape without further sanctions (flub: The stigma of resorting to drafting video game characters is its own punishment).

10. CC: Daphne Blake, "Scooby Doo"

Because I was an intelligent child, I thought this was one of the stupidest shows on television. However, I do believe Daphne was the first redhead I took a shine to, so she gets the nostalgic nod. It was either her or Ariel from The Little Mermaid, but c'mon: no one likes that fishy smell.

11. Xmas Ape: Amy Wong, "Futurama"

Cute, spunky, and attracted to dorky, ungainly men. Probably also skilled in Futuresex.

Eh. Leela's got the better body, if you don't mind the whole one-eye thing. It's never bothered me before.

12. Drew: Red Hot Riding Hood from the Tex Avery Cartoon

And I've nailed down the curvy redhead double bill. Ufford is beyond jealous. I like that Avery reimagined the classic fairy tale as a bizarre, leering, interspecies sex cartoon. Perfect for a 5-year-old to watch. I'm sure it played no role in the fact that I masturbate twice daily.

I wouldn't go so far as to say "beyond jealous." Redheads are an essential part of sexual experience, but you wanna diversify your bonds, muthafucka.

13. Drew: Betty Boop

Betty Boop is quite the butterface. Or more like a butterhead. It looks like two heads that were fused together in a half-assed manner. But she's got a fly body and she makes a great value pick here. I'll probably end up trading her for Lurleen Lumpkin and Apu's wife (and possibly the chick Apu nailed in the Kwik-E-Mart closet).

Either way, I'm more than happy with my Rabbit/Riding Hood threesome.

Wow. Two redheads and a chick without a nose. It's true: married people REALLY DO stop enjoying sex.

14. Xmas Ape: Foxxy Love, "Drawn Together"

Terrible show, but contained a few hot characters, between Foxxy and the princess. Foxxy is a total whore, so she wins.

A truly phenomenal pick. She's an actual fox that is somehow African-American. That really would have rounded out my stable of cartoon anthropomorphized animals to fuck. I'm jealous.

15. CC: Princess Allura, "Voltron"

Granted, she's fully human -- royalty, even! -- but that little mouse is always on her shoulder, and I'm sure we could find a use for that.

This pick is a direct result from an episode of Voltron (my favorite childhood cartoon, with the possible exception of Transformers. This was before I feared the coming robot wars) where Princess Allura, wearing a bikini, dives off a cliff and loses her bikini top. She surfaced separately from it, embarrassed. I believe I was 7 or 8 at the time, and up to that point I had no idea that that could happen in a cartoon.

Drew: That's an excellent pick. You know, no one remembers Tranzor Z. Probably because it sucked.

MMP: Are you kidding? I've been trying to shoot rockets from my elbows for 20 years now.

16. MMP: April O'Neil, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"

Team MMP has its redhead.

17. flub: Betty Cooper from Archie comics, which was animated during the 1970s.

Betty was the inspiration for comic book uber-babe Cherry Poptart (who, sadly, has yet to be animated).

18. UM: The Baroness, "G.I. Joe"

Holy shit, I can't believe I get her with the last pick! This is what you might call the ultimate hate-fuck. She's an arrogant, spoiled, terrorist bitch but she's insanely hot and has a black leather fetish that would make Will Leitch's emo bangs recede like they belonged to Dan Steinberg.

Try not to think about his metaphors too much.

Here's our list of highly-rated free agents: Judy Jetson, Josie and and the Pussycats, the animated Samantha from "Bewitched," LuAnne Platter, White Debbie from "Sealab 2021," Minerva Mink from "Animaniacs" (another sexy animal!), pretty much every female character from the X-Men cartoon, Bugs Bunny when he dressed up as a chick (that one is Drew's choice), most of the female villains on the animated "Batman" series, Trixie from "Speedracer," and on and on ad nauseam. Betty Rubble was ruled ineligible because Rosie O'Donnell played her in the live-action film.

Your picks, as always, in the comments. Ladies, homos, and men comfortable with their sexuality are welcome to share their opinions on attractive cartoon males.

Animal Death Porn: Drew Rosenhaus and Scott Boras Get Their Comeuppance

There are four inherent truths to this video:

1. It desperately needs to be at least four times longer.

2. Everything becomes 40% cooler when it's set to the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage."

3. Hyenas are fucking assholes.

4. Male lions always get a bad rap. "Oh, the lionesses do all the hunting and killing; the males have little purpose besides roaring and insemination." Oh yeah? Well, it seems to me that the pride would have a big fuckin' hyena problem if Mufasa didn't pull the occasional deus ex machina. RAWR! Run away from this, shithead. Oh wait, you can't -- I've snapped your hind leg with my jaws of death. FACE.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Better Know A Draft Pick: Mason Crosby

NOTE: We're pleased to bring you this BKADP entry from special guest poster STW of the great Name Of The Year blog. Take it away, my man...

Name: Mason Crosby

Height: Taller than Jackie Mason, shorter than David Crosby
Body Type: Right thigh bigger than mole on Ginny Sack's ass
Speed: 8.3 (sidelines to ball spot)

Urine Sample: Good trajectory, stream tends to fade right
Stool Sample: Tiny pieces of Martin Gramatica

Criticisms: Doesn't follow through when kicking longer field goals, jerking off

Mainstream Comparison: Sebastian Janikowski
KSK Comparison: Nigel "The Leg" Gruff

Who's Interested: His mother, other kickers

Who Will Take Him
: The Falcons. Need rookie to kick off, attempt long field goals, escort Morten Andersen to and from Buckhead Assisted Living Facility

Honors: Runner-up for Lou Groza Award in 2005. Didn't stab teammate in the leg like backup punter at other school in Colorado

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Has to hit 60 golf balls at a driving range two days before every game. This will lead to the following conversation:

BERMAN: Mason "Bing" Crosby! Looks like whoever drafts him will have to hold a celebrity golf tournament.

JAWORSKI: Another kooky kicker, Boomer.

BERMAN: I keek a touchdown!

(Cut to highlight of Garo Yepremian throwing interception in Super Bowl VII)

Ambitions: Not fucking up just enough to make $30 million in career kicking a football five times a week.

Projection: Drafted in third round. Subject of 43 newspaper profiles speculating whether he can break NFL field-goal record of 63 yards. Forgotten until misses first potential game-winning kick. Gang-raped by offensive line when misses another. Released when misses third. Plays seven seasons for Laredo Lobos of afl2.

KSK Celebrity Draft Analyst: Alec Baldwin

The draft is finally here this week. Hey, nice job making us wait two months longer than is necessary, NFL! I really wanted to wait week after agonizing week until the draft finally showed up on what will inevitably be the nicest day of spring. Asses. This week, we’ll be asking notable celebrities from the world of TV, politics, and more to give us their thoughts on this year’s selection meeting. Next up: actor and model parent Alec Baldwin.

"Hey I wanna tell you draftees something okay, and I wanna leave a message for you right now because again its 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday and once again I've made an ass of myself trying to see you assholes work out at a specific time. When the time comes for me to come see you little fuckers lift weights, or run on turf, or do vertical leaps, or eat as many blueberry pies as you can, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and I grab my short shorts, clipboard, and stopwatch. And I come to the Notre Dame or Ohio State or whatever the fuck it is campus at eleven-o-clock in the morning and you and your pathetic Zionist Jew agent (who probably has no sympathy at all for the plight of the Palestinians) aren’t there and you don't even have your god damn phone turned on. How dare you insult me. I was nominated for an Oscar. You majored in kinesiology. Advantage: Me.

“I want you to know something okay, I'm tired of playing this game with you. Especially you, Alan Branch. Your leg is fucked and I know it. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you, you little shits have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me, you don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being, I don't give a damn if you're 22-years-old, or 23-years-old, or 27-years-old if you went to Oklahoma State, or that you have the mental capacity of a small child like my useless daughter Ireland, or that Jim Tressel is a thoughtless pain in the ass, who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned, you have humiliated me for the last time with this workout, and when I come out there next week, I'm gonna fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue.

“I'm gonna let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. I have a mock draft that I show to everyone that is always at least 22% percent accurate, and you are fucking it up. You have made me feel like shit and you have made me feel like a fool over and over and over again, and this crap you pull on me with this god damn work out situation that you would never dream of doing to Ron Wolf and you do it to me constantly, and over and over again. Fuck you all. I’m not gonna record any more joke answering machine messages for you and your friends. Nor will I do my underrated DeNiro impression for you, nor will I recite any lines from “Glengarry Glen Ross” for you. Kiss my black ass.

“I am gonna get on a plane or I am gonna come out there for the day and I'm gonna straighten your ass out when I see you, do you understand me? I'm gonna really make sure you get it. I’m gonna slim down to my Jack Ryan/”Miami Blues” weight and grab your sorry ass by the lapels and paralyze you with my intense gaze. Then I'm gonna get on a plane and I'm gonna turn around and I'm gonna come home. Then I’m going to make a pasta salad. So you better be ready Saturday, the 28th, to meet with me so I'm gonna let you know just how I feel about what rude little pigs you really are. You are rude thoughtless little pigs, okay. Especially Jamarcus. He’s very piggy."

Have You Noticed that Peyton Manning Has Starred in Several Commercials?

Ah, precious YouTube: you save us on mornings when nothing is ready. However, in this instance, we're not microwaving leftovers you've seen before or just putting up some animals killing each other that Drew saw on Animal Planet. No, we actually have something brand new to our favorites series of tubes, and - bonus! - it's actually NFL-related.

Shocking, I know.

Anyhoo, this is the newest video from BradyFan83 -- best known around the Interwebs for the Kenny Loggins Rogers-inspired "Brady" -- and it's dedicated to a man who for so long stood in Tom Brady's shadow.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Your KSK Draft Day Itinerary

I’m always annoyed when some newspaper has a columnist watch the entire NFL Draft and then file a sarcastic report about how boring it is. You know what? Fuck you. The Draft is an oasis in the middle of the seven excruciating months that is the NFL offseason. Millions of people like it and enjoy it. So suck my balls, Michael Wilbon:

I hate the NFL draft. I realize that saying anything against the draft amounts to blasphemy, but somebody's got to do it. The NFL draft is the most overrated, overhyped, obsessively overcovered non-event in sports. It's a nuisance, made-for-TV-by-TV event for people who couldn't tell a left tackle from a right guard, or zone from man-to-man coverage to save their mamas' lives.

Well, aren’t you just so proud of yourself. Pardon the shit outta me for getting excited about new players coming to my team. Sorry for being a fan. Cockknocker. The NFL Draft rules. You can cheer for your picks, ridicule shitty picks (“With the #3 pick, the Cleveland Browns select Brady Quinn!”), and, most importantly, get drunk. Here’s how I anticipate my weekend playing out.

7:00AM – Awake. Get up to dress and feed The Girl. Let the Mrs. sleep an extra hour or two.

9:00AM – Wake up the Mrs. Have this conversation:
-“You know what today is?”
-(I say nothing)
-“Oh fuck, not that draft thing again.”

11:00AM – Find out the Raiders have signed JaMarcus Russell and paid him a $30 million signing bonus. They’ll still take the full 15 minutes anyway, in hopes that ESPN will talk about the Raiders during that time span. They will not.

12:00PM – The Draft starts. Time for dynamic shots of the draftees! There’s Joe Thomas in a three-point stance! There’s JaMarcus Russell doing his throwing motion without the ball! There’s Gaines Adams giving the camera a murderous stare and saying, “Gaines Adams. Clemson. Bitch.”! That’s called a montage! Oooh, it takes a montage!!!!

12:05PM – Berman: “Annnnnnnnddddd welcome! To the 2007 National Football League Annual Selection Meeting, also known as… THE NFL DRAFT!” Berman laughs at his own “joke”. Everyone laughs with him. Start drinking immediately.

12:10PM – Berman introduces the rest of crew with an overlong, rehearsed spiel for each. Each crew member will laugh at said spiel. Except Kiper. Kiper will smirk and think to himself, “Hey look! Another joke about my hair! Never heard that one! Fat fuck.”

12:10PM – Time for reports straight from the outside war rooms! There’s Ed Werder in Dallas! There’s SalPal in Philly! There’s Michele Tafoya… somewhere! Cut to Suzy Kolber presiding over a “roundtable” of current NFL player/draftniks! Do I see Corey Chavous and Jon Jansen? You bet!

12:14PM – Before the Raiders pick, all of the draft information graphics will be introduced onto my TV screen. The graphics will occupy 85% of the screen. The telecast will cut to commercial just before any important NEW information is displayed. Fuck.

12:15PM – The Raiders take Russell. The ESPN crew talks about the Cowboys for 12 minutes.

12:28PM – Stuart Scott interviews Russell while simultaneously massaging his balls. Russell is baffled by the challenge of trying to make eye contact with Scott. Scott gets in his trademark “athlete fist bump”, giving him the approval from athletes that he so desperately craves.

12:29PM – The crew discusses trade possibilities at the 2 spot that will not come to fruition.

12:30PM – The Lions are ready to pick! Will it be Calvin Johnson? Will it be Brady Quinn? It doesn’t matter, because that fuckface Berman has already ruined the surprise by announcing that Joe Thomas is the pick! Hey Chris, fuck you seven times over!

12:35PM – Bagel

12:45PM – The Browns take Quinn. America has a good laugh. ESPN does a 10-minute, in-depth profile of how sweet a guy Quinn is. They interview his mom, his sister, AJ Hawk, a dying 8-year-old ND fan with an oxygen tube, his Dad, and Charlie Weis. Childhood pictures will play a prominent role. By the end of the telecast, he’ll be an honorary Manning brother.

12:59PM – The Bucs are ready to pick…

1:00PM – Psych! The Bucs trade the pick to the Skins for the Skins’ entire 2008 and 2009 drafts. On Jimmy Johnson’s trade chart, this actually is an “equal” trade. In reality, it is fucking suicide. The Skins get a fresh 15 minutes on the clock. Fuck me.

1:27PM – Waiting for the Vikings to pick…

1:59PM – Still waiting…

2:06PM – Jesus fucking Christ.

2:37PM – The Vikings select Jamaal Anderson. The ESPN crew will not discuss this until five more picks are made and I am on the shitter.

3:12PM – Somehow, seven picks are made within the span of half an hour. I have no clue how. Eat some hummus.

3:41PM – Is it time for a stilted video conference with Jon Gruden? Fuck yeah!

4:23PM – The Giants take Ted Ginn. Eli Manning gets now gets an even speedier receiver to overthrow.

4:24PM – Kiper doesn’t like the pick. “I don’t like the pick, Boom. You got a young, developing quarterback. But he’s already got that big target in Burress. What about your defense? What about replacing Tiki Barber? Let me give you a detailed outline of how the next thirty years will play out for the Giants because of this slapdick pick.”

5:00PM – Masturbate.

5:01PM - Make 22 oz. rum and coke with lime. I put a shitload of lime in there. It’s tremendous. Add some Lay’s potato chips in there and it’s like I’ve masturbated all over again.

5:02PM – Mrs Drew: “Okay, enough. Turn it off.” I turn it off.

6:00PM – Cuba Libre numero dos.

7:30PM – Baby asleep. Turn that shit right back on. Scour to see who the Vikes took in Round 2. ESPN will deliberately withhold the information from me. ESPNews is even worse, and I think Cindy Brunson is dying from severe anorexia. You can see the bitch’s sternum, people. And I don’t even have hi-def.

7:31PM – Flip to the Simpsons. It’s an episode from somewhere beyond season 6. That will not do. Flip back.

8:00PM – Jaws is talking in “I’m on TV!” voice.

8:01PM – Dinner. Who likes pad thai? I do! I do!

8:57PM – Flip back to the Draft. Trey Wingo is talking about shit with Sean Salisbury and Mark Schlereth. Salisbury keeps looking down at his own cock. And that signals an end to my day.

11:00AM – Day 2 is here. Suzy Kolber is your new host! Berman is too busy playing golf with Eddie DeBartolo and eating children.

11:23AM – Time to ignore all the current selections in order to A) Talk about the Cowboys, B) Replay scenes from the previous day, C) Talk to Jerry Jones, D) Replay the draftee montage!

12:07PM – In between talking about the Cowboys, the crew stops to quickly rattle off the past seven draft picks, then goes right back to talking about the Cowboys. They’ll do this repeatedly for the rest of the day. Time for eggs.

6:00PM – And the Draft is over. Was it exhausting? Frustrating? Annoying? Oh yeah. Would I watch it if it were on every week? Fuck and yes. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Wilbon.

Better Know A Draft Pick: Gaines Adams

Welcome to the latest installment of KSK's newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We'll lead up to April's draft by giving you all the pertinent info you'll need on the league's newest disappointments-to-be.

Name: Adam Gaines Gaines Adams

Height: Tall
Body Type: Longer than the SG's diary
Speed: Good enough

Urine Sample: Shwaggy
Stool Sample: Soft and lacking bulk

Criticisms: Soft and lacking bulk

Mainstream Comparison: Jevon Kearse
KSK Comparison: Simeon Rice - the douchebaggery

Who's Interested: The camera guy in the green room

Who Will Take Him: The Vikings. He's the one piece that could make all the difference between a two-win season and a three-win season.

Honors: People have been riding his jock for quite some time. His CSTV bio tells us that Gaines was named "...first-team preseason All-American according to Playboy, Lindy's, and Phil Steele." Now this is just a guess but I'd say that's a nudie magazine, a strip club, and an aging porn star. Not too shabby.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He admitted to smoking marijuana so now we get to hear all of their fucking analysts talk about weed more than yours truly. Fuck steroids, binge drinking, and unprotected sex with skanky co-eds--these Kottonmouth Kings are a bunch of midnight tokers! (multi-generational musical fun!)

Ambitions: Doin' coke, drinkin' beers. Drinkin' beers, beers beers. Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts. Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts.
Fav Hangout: In between a convenience store and a video store

Fav Food: Whatever's special
Biggest Fear: Evil Bong

Immediate Impact: Automaic insertion into the league's substance abuse program will not stop him from knocking the shit out of quarterbacks in his rookie year (Goodell: HGH isn't a substance if I can't see it!).

Down the Road:

Pray for him.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Celebrity Draft Analyst: Chairman Kaga Of Iron Chef

The draft is finally here this week. Hey, nice job making us wait two months longer than is necessary, NFL! I really wanted to wait week after agonizing week until the draft finally showed up on what will inevitably be the nicest day of spring. Asses. This week, we’ll be asking notable celebrities from the world of TV, politics, and more to give us their thoughts on this year’s selection meeting. First up: “Iron Chef”'s Chairman Kaga.

Hmm… Jamarcus Russell…

If my memory serves, the Creole half-breeds of Louisiana have a saying for Jamarcus Russell: “Savor only the arm.” Russell is known for being fat and flabby, but if you eat just the upper arm and shoulder, trimming the fat and discarding the rest, you will find a tender, almost venison-like meat, that surprises the mouth with its rich, smoky flavor. Slice it thin, and a pristine carpaccio awaits to delight and tantalize you! So I say, “savor only the arm”!

(Bites into yellow bell pepper, smiles creepily)

Hmm… Joe Thomas…

If my memory serves, morbidly obese Wisconsinites have a saying for Joe Thomas: “Look below the folds”. Below the folds of Thomas’ upper body lies a sweet nugget of penis tenderloin, plus the testicles, prized by the nutmongers of Northern Japan, who serve it in a clear bento broth with stewed bok choy. If you like offal, you’ll love these balls. But only in you… “look below the folds!”

(Grabs cape, turns dramatically)

Hmm… Gaines Adams…

If my memory serves, people of South Carolina have a saying about Gaines Adams (people of South Carolina love sayings, because they cannot read), which is… “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice”. Indeed, the blood of Adams is highly prized by South Carolinians as both a delicacy and a healing elixir that cures ailments ranging from dementia to toenail fungus. Indeed, “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice”! Ha ha ha ha!!!!!

(Summons a large table that rises up from the floor, takes off the table covering, revealing a naked Marshawn Lynch)

Ahh… Marshawn Lynch…

If my memory serves, the organic farmers of Northern California have a saying for Marshawn Lynch, which is, “Go by the dreads”. Dreadlocks are a signal of moister flesh, which offers you passage to the elusive fifth “umami” flavor. Lynch is often served spread over toast points with a spicy Pinot Noir. It’s a transcendant experience, but only if you “go by the dreads”!

(stretches out arms, turns palms upward)


Inside the War Room! Pittsburgh Steelers

Leading up to the draft, we’ll be giving you exclusive inside access to the war rooms of various teams across the league. Today: the Pittsburgh Steelers.

[The Steelers new head coach Mike Tomlin retires to bed after a wearying day of draft board analysis and administering Kendall Simmons' Flintstones chewable insulin.]

Mike Tomlin: If I get one more letter written on a Primanti Brothers napkin demanding we draft Paul Posluszny, I'm going to exude quiet confidence in a slightly less cool fashion. Like I imagine Delroy Lindo might if he got gyped on ketchup packets at a Chick-Fil-A.

Maybe there's a possible compromise with Levi Brown. That way, we can drop Max Starks off the Clemente Bridge, and the braying yinzers get their Penn State prospect.

[Tomlin yawns, shuts eyes]



[Jarring sound of chains rattling]

Tomlin: Ahhh! Fuck! That better not be you again, Colbert. I swear to God, I'll tell the Rooneys to send you back to Detroit.

Apparition: No, it ain't the GM, man.

Tomlin: Oh shit! A ghost! A ghost of a nondescript black man! You're scary because you have higher blood pressure than regular ghosts!

Apparition: I can't believe you don't recognize me.

Tomlin: Beasley Reese?

Apparition: Fuck no, I'm not Beasley Reese. You never heard of Jefferson Street Joe Gilliam. I used to be the quarterback of the team you're now coaching, way back in the '70s.

Tomlin: Oh, right. The Jeffersons were huge in the '70s. That Wheezy was a trip.

Gilliam: Okay. You clearly have no idea who I fuck I am. But you would if the Steelers had kept me as the starting QB like they should have. The Steel Curtain won four rings with a mediocre hick who only had two more career TDs than picks. Who knows how many more they could have gotten with me? That could be my bloated ass during movie scenes in a whirlpool with Kathy Bates.

Tomlin: Okay, maybe you were better than Bradshaw. What does that have to do with me?

Gilliam: You gotta draft a black quarterback. Trade up and get Russell.

Tomlin: But the Steelers already had a black starting QB for five seasons. I mean, shouldn't I just promote Charlie Batch to first string? It's not like Cowher shouldn't have done it at least five different times last year. He did play better than Roethlisberger.

Gilliam: That light-skinned motherfucker? Your white QB is more mobile than he is. And don't try that Kordell Stewart shit on me. That was like Hattie McDaniel winning an Oscar for Gone With the Wind. She only had to play a servant. I'm pretty sure Kordell was servicing Cowher thrice daily. I've been waiting for decades for this team to get a black head coach so the Steelers could get a respectable black QB under center. I had to trade my Super Bowl rings to get crack rocks, man. But because I wasn't starter, I only got two rings. Think of all the rocks I lost out on.

Tomlin: But, see, here's thing and I've given this some thought: a successful black QB would be nice but it's no longer a novel thing in the league. No, I'm implementing the blackest, gay-bashingest defense ever seen in the NFL, Tony Dungy's Tampa 2. For too long, this team and its cavalcade of crusty white defensive coordinators have embraced the wan, soulless 3-4 scheme. Nothing would more subvert the anglocentric status quo than if I took a defensive end like Adam Carriker in the draft, thus changing the beloved defensive set to a 4-3 and imposing a system forged from superior black intellect.

Gilliam: Dungy? I remember hearing about that cat on the Steelers a few years after I left. Smart, smart guy and just about the most harrowing menace to homosexuals I've seen outside of a Joe Gibbs team. I like your thinking, Brother Tomlin.



[Gilliam's ghost slowly dissipates]

Tomlin: Fuck that shit. I'm taking a cornerback. Ike Taylor can eat a decade-rotted dick with extra cajun cocksauce.