I have never won a fantasy league. Ever. But, like Bill Simmons at the World Series of Poker, I possess the breathtaking arrogance to believe that I am a player of impeccable skill who has been done in by the sheer luck of my retarded opponents. If you were the lucky douche who drafted Larry Johnson, Steve Smith, and Carson Palmer last year, you probably won your league. Pfft. What do you know about football? Dick. One of these days, I'm gonna win a league. And then I'll be proven smart!
If that doesn't happen though, I am fully prepared to bitch about the two fantasy teams I drafted. And here they are. I'd list the scoring and positions. But really, what the fuck do you care?
Team 1 (Deadspin league) - Babette's Meast
Round 1-Pick 5: Tiki Barber - No one makes fun of Tiki's first name. Why? He was clearly conceived during a Brady Bunch episode, and I don't think he should be ashamed of that.
2-28: Anquan Boldin - Nothing like having a Cardinal on your team. It's always fun to watch Kurt Warner drop back, wait 30 seconds, and then fumble, and then get concussed.
3-37: Reggie Wayne - I'd like to again bitch about the fact that Tia Carerre's band in "Wayne's World" was fucking terrible. Everyone in that movie creams their jeans over her while she's up there butchering "Fire". Open your ears, Lowe!
4-60: Frank Gore - Nothing like drafting a player on an offense that averages -7 points per game.
5-69: Jospeh Addai - Son of Meat Loaf Addai.
6-92: Drew Brees - If I draft him and Chad Pennington, that's like a full set of shoulders!
7-101: DeAngelo Williams - Really let himself go after that "Voodoo" album.
8-124: Kellen Winslow - Go for the bomb, soldier!
9-133: Mark Brunell - Bumped up my board for overall rugged handsomeness
10-156: Troy Williamson - My token Viking. And he hasn't fucked anyone in a stairwell yet!
11-165: New England - Don't care.
12-188: Reche Caldwell - Really don't care.
13-197: Jeff Reed - Does this draft ever fucking end?
14-220: Joe Klopfenstein - Pro Football Weekly thought he had real potential. I dropped him for Travis Henry.
Team 2 (Valhalla Viking league) - Hot Carl Lee
Round 1-Pick 4: Tiki Barber - Hey, didn't I just draft you? Or was that one of your Asian sister co-wives?
2-21: Chad Johnson - Fresh off his appearance as the villain in "Demolition Man 2".
3-28: Terrell Owens - No better player to have on your fantasy team. If he so much as loses a contact, I'll know about it. Thanks, overreactive media!
4-45: Kevin Jones - Shitty team? Coordinator who hates to run? That's my kinda back!
5-52: Frank Gore - Nice to see you again. Now I can hate you doubly!
6-69: Jake Delhomme - Excellent pick, because this is the year Steve Smith will rebreak his leg.
7-76: Tatum Bell - Looking good after divorcing John McEnroe.
8-93: Heath Miller - A pick I'm legitimately excited about. And those always turn out swimmingly.
9-100: Braylon Edwards - Still not injured!
10-117: Michael Vick - Combined with Owens, I now possess two of the most annoying players in football. I bet Vick would study his playbook more if Virginia Tech actually taught their students to read.
11-124: Cedric Benson - His teammates hate his guts, so perhaps he'll be as good as Ricky Watters.
12-141: Kellen Winslow - He brings both my teams a toughness that only comes from the means streets of La Jolla.
13-165: Michael Jenkins - As a show of my faith in Vick, I dropped him for Wali Lundy.
14-172: Atlanta - Drafted on autodraft. I was eating chicken.
15-189: Kansas City - Also drafted during chicken. Dropped for Olindo Mare. Arriba arriba arriba!!!!!!!!
Those are the teams. By Week 3, we will speak no more of them.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
I... I just... Nothing. I got nothing.
You think you have the world figured out: Packers fans are the most frighteningly passionate, Redskins fans have the smallest amount of self-awareness, Bengals fans are the most hopeless, Steelers fans are the dumbest... Then a single Browns fan by the name of Denny Blaze -- I'm assuming that's his stage name -- goes and does something like this, and everything you thought you knew turns out to be wrong.
I try not to be too preachy, but when you make Kevin Federline look like a hip, well-spoken, legitimate musician, it's probably time to kill yourself.
(Thanks, and blame, goes to Norv's Feb for the tip.)
[ Captain Caveman ] 8/31/2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
As our regular readers will remember, Big Daddy Drew used this space last week to profile his picks for the best pre-game locker room music. His list was a reflection of his personal experience and his musical background, while lots of our readers loved the list there was also a fair amount of dissension. In response I decided to compile a mix of songs from a genre more befitting my tastes. Keep in mind, this is the mix that I'd have on my Ipod if I were an NFL Player. I'm not saying these are the best songs of all time, instead this is the music that fuels my inspiration.
So take a look at my list and feel free to chime in with your reactions and a list of your own (if you feel so inclined).
Note: This is not a ranking of the top ten, instead it is the order I would want the songs to appear on my playlist.
1. Ante Up remix MOP ft. Busta Rhymes
If this song doesn't get you jacked up you probably aren't breathing. The beat lends itself perfectly to Busta's hard hitting style. This an absolute must for any pregame session.
2. Bia Bia Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boys ft. Ludacris
Granted I'm not the biggest fan of southern rap, but it's songs like these that make all the other crap worthwhile. Songs like these are what makes people want to hit other people; for our purposes, that's a good thing. A few minutes of this song could turn Andy Katzenmoyer into Ray Lewis...for a few seconds at least.
3. Hit 'em Up Tupac
This Tupac gem is perfect for any true renegade linebacker (I'm looking at you LaVar). It's all about one man taking on a line of enemies without the slightest hint of backing down. As much as I love my East Coast, I've gotta say that this is the best of all the feud songs.