Friday, March 30, 2007

I am Punter's Creative Process

Fuck, I need to write-up the cheerleader post. Gotta write something funny, something for the end of the week, but why? These assholes are just gonna spank it to the pic and then take a nap. Who cares? It's almost filler, like the We Have To Ask post on Deadspin. Just get a few comments from the peeps and we're good.

Wow, I haven't written shit in like two weeks. This is not good. We've all been kinda slacking, though. So much going on with free agency and the draft, too. The Browns want Trent Green, are they fucking serious? Roger Goodell trying to be all Mother Superior and shit. Good luck, Opie. No creative juices in my juice. I guess Drew shouldn't have taken the espresso machine out of the KSK break room. So sleepy...

I got a hedgehog about three weeks ago. Her name is Betty. I named her after America Ferrera's character on that one show. Sorry, there's no fucking way I'm naming a hedgehog "America." That's something the fucking Somalis would do.

Nice work, Punter, cracking on the Somalis like that. Get ready for all that Somalian hate mail now, you shithead. You better hope those assholes haven't figured out how to send anthrax in a jpeg attachment.

Holy shit, I'm just rambling now. Four paragraphs in and I haven't said a fucking thing. You think this might be a good spot to wrap it up? That's it. Just drop it in there now.


Damn, she has got it going on. Alright, now say something witty about how she looks. Say that you'd eat walnuts out of her ass. No, you dipshit, you say that about EVERYBODY! I think you even said that about Ufford once. You fucking homo.

Hey, dipshit? You can stop typing anytime, or at least not type EVERY FUCKING THOUGHT that creeps into you sick fucking head. Am I really swearing in my head this much? How would I even know?

Fuck, I really can't stop. I am just a rambling fuckknob at this point. Wow, fuckknob looks really weird in type, with that double-k and all. Tex is talking to me about options now. This is Tex's last day. You don't care. Sweet Christ, what am I doing?

God, if Andie and Save The Steagles had a wet t-shirt contest, I think my pants would explode. Should I try to meet Will in Atlanta this weekend? I'm pretty sure weightlifting and online chess cancel each other out. Why does my asshole itch so much? Stop! STOP! STOOOOOOP!!!!

I think I need a Diet Coke. Yeah, that sounds good.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

This Week’s KSK Mock Draft – Board Games We’d Choose If Death Awaited The Loser

We had a tough time choosing this week’s KSK mock draft. I was a big fan of drafting fruit. Punter thought the idea of drafting fruit was retarded. Which is why I liked it to begin with. Then we considered last meals, only everyone ended up picking different cuts of steak (and UM insisted on including some froufrou wine). So that was out. Porn stars? YOU try finding images of porn stars that are SFW. It’s a bitch. Ice cream flavors? I would have stabbed anyone who took mint chocolate chip first.

Superheroes? Too nerdy.

People we’d want to write our autobiography? Too gay.

Hangover cures? Too obvious.

Movies that should be banned? Too played.

Deadspin commenters? Too meta.

Beers? Too broad.

Board Games We’d Choose If Death Awaited The Loser? Eh, okay. Why not.

Okay, so the rules are: you will play another random person at this board game. If you lose, you will fucking die. On the spot. Like a seal being eaten by a shark. The order: Punter, CC, UM, flubby, me, Ape. Serpentine draft. My… my… my serpenteeeeeeeen!

Round 1, Pick 1 – Punter – Stratego

“Military strategy game is a composite of chess, war (the card game), and capture-the-flag. You can set your pieces any way you choose, and then attack. An awesome board game in its day, and one that would be quite appropriate to play with one's life in the balance.”

I suck at this game. Needless to say, it was not on my draft board.

Round 1, Pick 2 – CC – Scrabble

“Hey, I'm playing for my fucking life. I'm going with the game where I'm undefeated for the last four years. As long as I'm not playing Stefan Fatsis I should be good to go.”

I would fucking murder Ufford at Scrabble. And I’d kick Bill Simmons’ ass, too. Even if he cheated, and there’s evidence he’s just that big of a douchebag. Plus, I have the advantage of knowing that “qi” and “za” were just added to the official word list. Winner: Drew

Round 1, Pick 3 – UM – Trivial Pursuit

“In a life and death situation I can always fall back on my encyclopedic knowledge of trivial bits of knowledge.”

I too am quite good at Trivial Pursuit, unless it’s one of those original sets from the 80’s where half the geography questions were about Canada and the “Entertainment” category asked only questions about films made prior to 1942. And whenever I landed on “Sports and Leisure”, I always end up getting a leisure question. How many pegs are on a cribbage board? Fuck you, that’s my answer.

Round 1, Pick 4 – flubby – Dominoes

“Dominoes. I can play the hell out of some dominoes. Plus, I can make an ASCII double-six domino. Check it out: [:::|:::]

Man, am I talented.”

Then flubby did a double one:


I’m pretty sure dominoes isn’t a board game, but I’ll let it pass.

Round 1, Pick 5 – Me – Monopoly

“But only if we put $500 in Free Parking and allow multiple hotel
building. And I get to be the dog. Then I can seize New York Avenue,
throw three hotels in there, and then squeal with delight as opponents
roll a 7, think they've hit Free Parking, only to realize they counted
spaces wrong and are now buttfucked. You just dealt with the dawg,

Punter vehemently objected to my house rules:


Fucking fascist.

Round 1, Pick 6 – Ape – Clue

“Like, Monopoly, you have to play with at least four people or it's too damn easy. Also, it has to be the Master Detective version. Fuck the purists. There's more stuff, meaning it's more difficult. And communism was just a red herring.”

The best ending to the “Clue” movie? The third one. The second one, where Mrs. Peacock killed them all, was bullshit.

Round 2, Pick 7 – Ape – Jenga

“I can utilize my surgical precision of motion without sticking my hand in some dude, as in Operation.”

God, I suck at Operation. Good call.

Round 2, Pick 8 – Me – Cranium

“Okay, so the drawing something with your eyes closed part is fucking
impossible, and I hate trying to sculpt shit out of that fucking clay,
but I can handle the rest of the game fairly well.”

Round 2, Pick 9 – flubby – Backgammon

“I just can’t think of anything interesting to say about backgammon.”

Is this a board game? I think it’s usually played inside a briefcase. Flubby continues to flirt with the rules. Anarchist.

Round 2, Pick 10 – UM – GO

“With my life hanging in the balance I like the idea of a zero-sum battle of the minds. Oh Jesus, I'm going to die.”

I’ve never heard of this game. It looks like Othello, only even more head-splitting.

Round 2, Pick 11 – CC – Risk

“Nobody has the stamina and patience to ever finish a damn game, which means it's highly unlikely that I'll lose. Plus this gives commenters the chance to re-heat the predictable and and not terribly funny "Ukraine strong!" joke from Seinfeld. Also, I love saying the word Kamchatka.”

Man, CC loves his readers.

Round 2, Pick 12 – Punter – The Dark Tower

“This game is pretty fucking sweet. The tower was computerized. You killed people, bought food, killed some more people, and then roamed some countryside and shit. Plus, Pegasus is in the game! I don't see no Pegasus in fucking Monopoly, that's for gaddam sure.

This was my favorite game as a kid, even though I only won one time. The fact that it is so obscure gives me a critical edge.”

It’s like World of Warcraft, only REAL! And plastic!

Round 3, Pick 13 – Punter – Scene It (Movie Version)

“Yes, there's a DVD in it, but there's also cards, and it is played on a board. Plus, the game is so damn easy. It's not uncommon for me to pull it out when a party dies down and ask, ‘How about me against everyone?'”

Punter also asks this question when he walks into sporting goods stores and Taco Bells.

Round 3, Pick 14 – CC – Pass The Pigs

“Okay, so there's no board, but nobody objected to dominoes, so this damn well better get a pass. Pass the Pigs is the absolute balls. I love this game, and I will absolutely lie and cheat to win. However, we'd have to play best-of-nine in order to make sure the best player (me) won. Otherwise a pair of cold pigs could cause my untimely death.”

I’ve never heard of this game. “Pass the Pigs” sounds like some kind of game baseball players play with slumpbusters.

Round 2, Pick 15 – UM – Knock Hockey

“I was going to go in a different direction but if Pass the motherfucking Pigs is a board game then the field opens up a bit. You can try to beat me in knock hockey, but you will undoubtably go home humbled.”

Round 2, Pick 16 – flubby – Yahtzee

“I used to play with my grandmother when I was a little kid. I think I still got the skills if my life depended on it.“

And flubby goes three rounds without picking an actual board game. You gotta love Kentuckians.

Round 2, Pick 17 – Me – Rail Baron

“Want to go from Miami to Seattle? Better pay my track fee, bitch. No
one rides for free when I own the Sante Fe AND the Union Pacific. Not
even the hoboes. They get shot first.”

Round 2, Pick 18 – Ape – Gnip Gnop

"Because I wanted to pick something really gnay. That and all the board games in which I'm even marginally skilled have been taken, I'd take one that totally haphazard. I'd pick Battleship if I wanted something cooler, but I always lose."

When you think about it, Battleship is just a more masculine version of Go Fish. But hey, everyone loves imitating the old ad when they’re battleship gets sunk. Also, everyone always chooses the red pegs. The white pegs are for homos. I liked the deluxe edition of Battleship that made actual sounds when your shit got hit. I only wish the horrible screams of sailors burning to death had also been included.

And there’s your draft. You’ll notice none of us picked chess. Says a lot about us as a group, and that is that we aren’t Asian. I’m sure we missed a few. Your picks in the comments. Next week’s draft promises to be a doozy.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Keeping Tabs On Who Keith Olbermann Bangs

There was an episode of The Larry Sanders Show where Larry was about to nail Sharon Stone, only he couldn’t get an erection until his show was on TV. And if there’s any real-life broadcaster who fits that profile, why it’s gotta be Keith Olbermann. It appears Keith has become quite the coxsman as of late. First there was this story in October:

A BROWN-haired beauty who claims she had an unsatisfying one-night stand with Keith Olbermann is getting her sweet revenge - she's launched a blog to warn other women about the acerbic MSNBC commentator's boorish bedroom habits.

The bitter babe, who calls herself KarmaBites1, says she doesn't want others "to fall into the same trap . . . and I want him to feel some remorse for what he's done . . . He sets his mind on a woman, lures her in, and once he gets what he wants, he refuses to ever speak to them again. And I don't think he understands the damage he's caused."

Sounds like every other single guy to me. I have no issue with this.

…when "sexual activity began [in] less than an hour," Olbermann had difficulty. "I pretended he knew what he was doing," the embittered blogger writes. "I adored the guy. I didn't want him to think he was a dud in bed," so she faked experiencing ecstasy.

Next, he piled on excuses as to why he had to leave. "He told me he's an insomniac and that it's hard for him not to sleep in his own bed. He also mentioned he hadn't had 'company' in a while. [He said] he had an early meeting with the Yankees [and] he might be allergic to the pillows in the hotel bed."

I don’t know why Keith needed three excuses. One usually suffices before bolting for the door.

Six days later, she claims, Olbermann e-mailed her to tell her never to contact him again. "I practically begged him to explain what I did wrong. I told him I deserved some kind of explanation for such a dismissal, but I never heard from him again." She said she's since heard from six other women who say they had brief sexual relationships with Olbermann. She named her blog, after a line from "Hamlet" she says the perennial bachelor quoted.

So, does he quote that after he’s experienced sexual release? Because that’s something I could see Olbermann or any writer at McSweeney’s doing. So there’s the preface. Now we come to today, with this item, again from the fabulous Page Six:

MESSAGE to Keith ("The Quick") Olbermann's girlfriend: Your man likes porn stars. Triple-X sex siren Mary Carey told Free-FM's "Radio Chick" show that the MSNBC blabbermouth once called her and left a "rambling message" in which he asked her out. But Carey, star of such steamy adult classics as "Boobsville Sorority Girls," says she turned him down "because I had a boyfriend at the time." Olbermann - who last year was accused of bedding, then dumping, a sexy young fan who then blogged about what she called their lackluster fling - is now dating a young college grad. But Olbermann's rep insisted it was Carey who called him. Olbermann had her as a guest on his show in 2003 when she was running for governor of California. "It's a well-documented fact that Keith is off the market," the flack added.

I have a hard time believing Mary Carey would turn down a bologna sandwich, much less sex from a famous, rich person. So I’m gonna side with Keith here. But it’s nice that he’s dating a young college grad now. Presumably, he needs to date girls who are still young enough to remember lines from Shakespeare they were forced to read in school. Excelsior to you, Keith. You got to Suzy Kolber before she turned into a lesbian, and now you’re shootin’ for the younguns. Well played.

Oh, and someone else blogged about nailing Keith as well, in a farcical manner.

Cancer/Countercancer: NFL Free Agency

This week saw the announcement that two somewhat prominent political figures - one the unattractive harpy wife of the king of the trial lawyers and alsoran presidential candidates, the other a soulless repository of glib untruths -
are struggling with cancer. Elizabeth Edwards' breast cancer has returned and Tony Snow may have to put off the colon rollin' for a spell.

Oftentimes, KSK writers enjoy a delightfully inappropriate tweaking of current events, but, in general, we'd sooner delve into Andy Reid's urethra than the realm of politics, therefore we declined our initial impulse to chat up Snow and Edwards about chemo and dealing with personal tragedy in the public eye while still furthering the message of stupid people. And, naturally, football, the unflagging focus of our humble site.

No, we'd rather talk with the cancer, knowing full well how eager the supposed "disease" would be to cut through ther vast anti-polyp bias in the mainstream media.

Christmas Ape: Welcome, cancers.

Edwards' cancer: Glad to be here.

Snow's cancer: Hey buddy.

CA: Now, Edwards' cancer, as breast cancer, how equipped are you to discuss-

EC: Football? Plenty. Remember, breast cancer does affect men. Sure, it's fewer than one percent of all diagnosed cases, yet I dare you to explain away the fact that 50 percent of NFC East coaches are afflicted.

CA: I can't. Staggering. Point well made. Let's begin with a discussion of recent free agent activity. Okay, Chris Cooper to the Cardinals...

EC: Excellent in Breach.

SC: Masterful in Adaptation. Mediocre defensive lineman, however. And totally healthy, insofar as we know. Next.

CA: Marshall Faulk announced his retirement...

EC: Hope he starts smoking.

SC: Or standing in front of a radar gun.

CA: Thoughts on Pacman Jones?

EC: Sorry, we only have insight on actual, not clubhouse, cancer. His marked determination in spreading other forms of disease is admirable, however.

CA: Okay. Moving along. Ken Hamlin to the Cowboys...

SC: Is it irradiated ham? If so, superb signing.

CA: Not sure. Jason Fabini to the Redskins...

EC: The fundamental problem with big fat guys is, even though they're susceptible to contracting one of us, they're just as likely to keel over with heart failure.

SC: You go through all the trouble to get your pseudopod in the door and you're not even a direct cause of death. Very demoralizing.

CA: Still no cure, though.

SC: Yeah, that is nice, let me tell ya. But you never know when that cure might be coming down the pike. I'm just trying to kill as many humans as I can before that happens, then maybe settle down and kill a cat or something.

EC: That tainted pet food is a godsend, by the way.

CA: Alright, I think we've reached the end of our time here. Appreciate your taking your time out during this hectic period for you two.

EC: Always a pleasure, Ape. Be sure to always sit real close to your monitor when you're doing your blog thing. And carry your cell phone in your pants pockets at all times. Maybe play with some plutonium and drink lots of tap water.

CA: Uh, thanks.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

100 Future NFL Player Names

If you haven’t filled out your brackets over at the Name of the Year blog, you’d best do it in a hurry. Me, I picked Vanilla Dong to take it all, with bonus points for irony if Vanilla Dong is a black person. Inspired by that blog, and by John Hodgman’s 700 hobo names, I’ve compiled a handy list of 100 future NFL stars. These are players who do not exist yet. So, should you find yourself giving birth to a future All-Pro, feel free to partake from this list. Just be sure you use Bigdaddydrew for a middle name.

-Whip Jensen
-Thunderstick Cherry
-#1 Pinckney
-Frankincense Cornell
-Asswipe Johnson
-Peytonmanning Manning
-ESPNClassic Bailey
-Gandalf Jackson
-Colt Schmuck
-Snatch Tucker
-Tucker Snatch
-Dracula Washington IV
-James “Assboulders” Jameson
-Campbell’s Chunky New England Clam Chowder McNabb
-Heroin Marinovich
-Ding Dong
-Iron Douglas
-Freebird Skynyrd Mayweather
-Leather Berman
-Sexualize Funtime
-FUBU Jefferson
-FUBU Wright
-FUBU Babyphat Nelson
-D’Var’Shon’Ex Dellacroix
-Unytas Thompson
-Irresistible Force Garrison
-Immovable Object Garrison
-Sexcannon Cammon
-Puddingcan Vick
-Highlife Morgan
-Qock Dergan
-Arcade McNown
-Majestic Stevens
-Deez Nutz Carlson
-Pale Rider Ufford
-Taylortyler Reese
-Haterationiswrong Loverman
-DeVry Hickenlooper
-Wutang Clanton
-Lean Kiel
-Metal Gear Solid Varney
-iPod Lowenstein
-iTunes Music Store Lowenstein
-Sword Swanson
-Magiccock Blaster Kim
-Fuckgisele Brady-Moynahan
-‘Ggyuonn (pronounced John) Nelligan
-Chattanooga Choochoo
-Defies Categorization Yukendo
-Budweiser Hot Seat Smith
-Mr. Tibbs Tibbs
-Quizshow Redding
-Touch The Sky Cioffi
-Frantz Underpantz Besen
-Seanito Salibury
-KFC Jones
-Allterrainvehicle Farley
-Mary Beth King
-Pharris Bueller Bueller
-Raped Zimmer
-Anti-Vincent Vincent
-Beastieboy Gregory
-Gatorade Frost Kingston
-Glandular Problem Brown
-Eyenstein Theismann
-Tarquin Flimbim Limbim Bustop Fetang Fetang Ole Biscuitbarrel
-Dictionary Encyclopedia Phelps
-Purpleone Savior Wilson
-Grade A Huber
-Magic Hat No. 9 Fischer
-Sociology Professor Dickson
-Volt McCumber
-Doctor Asstap Harden
-Fabian Darian IV Hibbert IV
-Blackie Lawless
-Levi Dockers Jones
-Tarantula Adams
-Milkdud Carter
-I Ain’t Signing Shit (or IASS) Gibbons
-Jamesbond Schwatrz
-Anquandejuandanteantwan Farrelly
-! Morris
-Chevy Tahoe Vardell
-Duke Of York Bonger
-Scooter Cooter
-Has2fuck Garrison
-Ray “Christ” Lewis Jr.
-Auschwitz Derringer (excellent sprinter)
-Playa Player
-Hypnotiq Van de Kamp
-Grandtheftauto Vicecity Lorring
-Myspace Fellatio
-Crown Royal
-Britny Fox
-Megatron Vampira
-Kingofpop 2.0 Quinnipiac
-Eczema Phillips
-Topgun Simmons
-Git-r-done McMasters

This list clearly needs improvement. Yours in the comments.

Better Know a Draft Pick: Amobi Okoye

Name: Amobi Okoye-not a Jew...yet

Height: He'd offer you a ride in his limo, but he's got to stretch his shit out. He's a tall drink of water, don't want to wrinkle anything.
Weight: 21.5 Stones

Urine Sample: Excellence
Stool Sample: Smells like Calvin Klein's Obsession...for Teeth Ass

Mainstream Comparison: Adewale Ogunleye (real original guys!)
KSK Comparison: Harold Wormser

Who Wants Him: ME! I think I'm developing a new man-crush.
Who Will Take Him: If he doesn't come willingly I will take him by force.

Hobbies: The same as any red-blooded 19 year old... Going to R rated movies without a parent or guardian, drinking, voting, tobacco products, renting cars, military service, making sexy time with 17 year-olds, and jury duty.
Favorite Food: The Souls of Black Folk...or was that his favorite book? My notes are a bit messy but the book makes a bit more sense.
Favorite Expression: Cellar door

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He started high school at the age of twelve because he was so fucking smart after moving from Nigeria (suck on that you racist internet trolls!) Then he played every game as a 16 year-old frosh at Louisville while taking on a course load that would make a Wyatt Sexton go off the deep end. He graduated at the age of 19 after 3.5 years making him the smartest person in the history of Kentucky not named Flubby, Mrs. Flubby, Lil' Gusflub, or Colonel Sanders.

Immediate Impact: Dick Vermeil thinks he'll be great as soon as he loses the diapers.

Down the Road: Because he's starting his career at such a young age he's going to hit free agency at the age of 24. Most guys sign that contract when they're 26 or 27. As long as he puts together a good career he's looking at a rookie contract and three big time veteran contracts. Hey Amobi, you're going to need a damn good (read: Jewish) agent. So, uh...challah at a brother!

Update: It looks like Dan Snyder is once again driving me to the ledge. Instead of drafting my boy Okoye he wants to trade for Lance Briggs. So who would you rather have on your team, the gifted, brilliant, young lineman or the guy who keeps threatening to initiate Operation Shutdown? All of these great linebackers from the U of A and we have to go after this douche? Why didn't we just keep Antonio Pierce? FUCK!

Monday, March 26, 2007

More Uses For The "Kill Kill Kill" Tag

If you're a fan of doing drugs (and who isn't?), I hope you're watching "Planet Earth" on the Discovery Channel. And I hope you've got some of your highest grade sticky icky with you when you do so. Discovery Channel and the BBC sent out a shitload of photographers with high-definition cameras around the world for months on end. These are powerful cameras that could focus on your genitals one pube at a time from a mile away. So did they use this incredible technology to go do something useful, like find bin Laden? Fuck no. They used it to get some killer animal snuff porn just for me.

In this clip, a great white shark shoots out of the water and swallows a seal whole. One bite. Arf! Arf! *CHOMP*. You're fucking dead, Seal. No more making babies with Heidi Klum for you. The Great White Shark: it's the Shawne Merriman of the depths. Be sure to check out the 1:30 mark, when the shark leaps clean out of the water in order to fuck the seal up. It's tremendous. Last night, they also showed a pack of wild dogs feasting on the carcass of an impala (that's an actual animal, not a Chevrolet). Was it a good night of killing in Big Daddy Drew's house? Fuck and yes.

You're well aware of the douchebags at PETA, the People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals. You know who's not for the ethical treatment of animals? ANIMALS. They fucking want each other dead. And that's cool by me. Soon only I will remain, and then I'll be king of the world, free to watch all the animal death movies I please.

NOTE: This is a clip from the British version. The American version is narrated by Sigourney Weaver, who has yet to fulfill her destiny by playing a women's basketball coach on the silver screen.

Goodnight, Sweet Prince You Bloviating Jackass

Hi, everyone. This is ordinarily where we'd have a real post talking about the imminent end to the Theismann Era at Monday Night Football. But the gay mafia is suffering from a rash of sick wives and girlfriends, as well as a nasty rash. So let's just go ahead and open up the comments -- tell us how excited you are for Ron Jaworski to replace Joey T, look back on the dumb things Theeeeesmann spouted over the years, or go against the grain and tell us that TK shoulda been shitcanned, too.

Have at it, our lovely little piranhas. We promise to be back in action with entertaining-ish posts soon.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Peyton Manning Brings The Funny

In case you missed it, here's the United Way spoof from last night's SNL.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Your Peyton Manning SNL Open Thread

As you may or may not know, Peyton Manning is hosting SNL this weekend. Personally, I was really looking forward to him appearing in that "Mad About Shoe!" sketch (and the "NYPD Shoe!" one as well). Alas, as a parent, I now usually go to sleep earlier than Tony Kornheiser. You crazy kids up past 5PM are up to no good!

As such, I leave this thread open to you, the reader. If you catch Peyton trading smug looks with Amy Poehler, or slogging through a 15-minute sketch with Seth Meyers that doesn't seem to have any purpose, or wistfully looking at musical guest Carrie Underwood and wishing she were skinnier, balder, and had a penis, let us know. To tide you over, I'm saluting the first overall pick of our nation draft, Brazil, with a Brazilian cheerleader:

And here's a bonus pick of Carrie Underwood for all you aspiring Rick Majeruses (Majeri?). Happy weekend, everyone.

KSK Mock Draft:
These Are Our Countries, Rd. 3

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It's the only thing they're not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Banat). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation's resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP.

You can read Round 1 here and Round 2 here.

Countries already off the board: Brazil, Japan, Australia, Italy, St. Maarten, China, Sweden, Lesotho, The UK, Argentina, United Arab Emirates, Israel.

Round 3

UM: Earlier when I asked if we could take principalities and sovereign states Drew assumed I was going to take the Vatican. Granted I love the power and influence, but I just don't need all of those Catholic headaches. I must admit, the infallibility makes me a bit giddy. This is the only principality that entices me.

UM: 13. Monaco

So many reasons, I should have taken it number one.

A beautiful crop of land on the French Riviera and it's not French...sign me up! They're tiny and they don't get involved in conflicts. That's good, I'm fucking sick of international drama. Monaco just chills by the water doing its thing while all of the millionaires stream through. And for every shark-like millionaire you've got dozens of sexy scavenger fish from all over the world.

It's tiny and it doesn't wield power but it might just be the coolest place in the world. It's fully stocked with beauty and wealth from all parts of the globe. Monte Carlo rules. I'll write up a better reasoning later.

Drew: Terrible pick. You may as well pick gonorrhea. It's less problematic.

MMP: No, to pick gonorrhea, you have to wait your turn.

Ape: It was still my pick, UM.

UM: Oh fuck. I thought you already went twice. I blame the hash.

Ape: Drew is doing nothing but taking Old Europe countries. That's the Norv
Turner all chalk route. You might as well take France next.

Ape: Actual No. 13. Russia

I got tropical hotness, then global influence and military might. Now
I'm consolidating my power with land and money. Russia, though not the
superpower it once was, is still a G8 nation with a ton of oil money.

It's cold as fuck so I probably won't be spending much time there, but
I'll take all the nice vodka they make.

CC: Ape, you really should have taken Monaco out of spite. I assume UM's sticking with Monaco at 14, yes?

UM: Way to drop the ball, Ape. I mean Israel and Russia? That's worse than me taking movie characters who die. Besides, I'll be chilling on the beach while sipping on the very same vodka.

Ape: Not when I control the country, you won't.

UM: Oh well. I like Ciroc and Grey Goose just fine.

Ape: And way to take a big chunk of desert full of people who hate you, UM.

UM: It's on the water, and I'll just expel all the haters and replace them with tits.

Ape: Russia is strategic. Why do I need another tropical wonderland when I
have Brazil? You can go the Matt Millen route and take seven
receivers. I have a well-rounded squad.

UM: Please. Japan will crush you. Plus, I have more millionaires than you can count because of the whole "No income tax in Monaco" thing.

Ape: Japan? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?

UM: Commie.

CC: Okay girls, that's enough bickering.

CC: 15. France.

Finally my years of French in high school and college become moderately useful.

Step 1 as owner of France: eliminate French.
Step 2: Begin rigorous euthanasia program.

I want to maintain the outstanding legacy of wine, cheese, and art while destroying the snooty pussy-dom. Because we all need a pet project. I figure France can practice by conquering Monaco. Those people are even bigger pussies than the French.

Honorable mention: Iraq. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to turn that shithole into a parking lot. I have no idea how that geographical toilet became the cradle of civilization. Nice sandstorms and 130-degree humidity, asses. Enjoy nuclear winter.

flub: Did you guys read [the steroids piece] from Chuck Klosterman today?

CC: Klosterman totally would have picked Canada and given a shitty explanation for it.

UM: Ufford is France which means he's entitled to protect me as Monaco. Always good to have your back covered by a Marine.

[The group]: ...

UM: My sentences make sense when I type them. I swear.

Ape: Drew's on the clock, then flubby and Punter.

UM: Ape's in a hurry to take Khazakstan in free agency.

Drew: And the Balkans!

Ape: I get a supplemental pick for all your bitching.

UM: Feel free to supplement your picks with places that don't suck.

Drew: 16. Mexico

First thing I do is round up all the tourists in Cancun and have them
murdered. Next thing I do is eat a flauta and get me a suntan.
Mexico rules.

flub: I won a free yard of Dos Equis at Senor Frog's in Cancun. It took me five minutes to work up the nerve to admit to the DJ I knew the name of the lead singer of Loverboy, but my thirst finally won out. Going to Mexico in late July is not among the wisest decisions I have ever made. Shit was hotter than the sun.

UM: Try going to the Bahamas at the end of august. My mom was never that sharp.

flub: I imagine you get some really good rates during hurricane season.

UM: It rained for five days. Good job, Mom. I just saw the clip that Jordi sent us. Feel free to use that clip to explain my selection of Japan.

MMP: I'll make a mental note of that.

Ape: Drew lays into Israel but then takes Mexico? You should have just taken Sudan.

flub: 17. Luxembourg.

It's small enough that I think I could run the whole place single-handedly. Then I would surround the entire country with a big velvet rope and tell the Euro-trash to keep the fuck out.

MMP: Motherfucker, I was gonna take Luxembourg. It has the world's higest GDP per capita.

Ape: Jersey has the highest per capita income in the U.S. and I don't think
that would be taken in a state draft.

MMP: Ape, Infoplease would like to have a word with you.

UM: Even though we're not a state, DC owns!

Ape: Fine, Jersey's only third. Screw Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me for saying different.

MMP: 18. Cuba.

Then I would buy the Marlins and move them there. Fidel would sit in the dugout until his death, whilest I drank rum and diets from behind home plate. I needed a token hotspot, and this ties in nicely with the boner I have for communist reform. Plus, Cuba will make a decent staging area for the 250,000 Chinese troops I'm about to send over to St. Maarten.

KSK Mock Draft:
These Are Our Countries, Rd. 2

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It's the only thing they're not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Austria-Hungary). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation's resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP.

Serpentine format, so MMP leads off for Round 2.

NOTE: There is one semi-NSFW image below. Scroll with caution.

You can read Round 1 here.

Round 2

MMP: 7. Sweden

Lots of skiing, hockey, and blonde women. That welfare state bullshit will have to be phased out and I'll probably have to off a few bankers before they embrace the euro, but we can worry about that after we assassinate Bjork.

CC: Iceland, Sweden. Potayto, potahto.

MMP: I know Bjork is from Iceland, Mr. 20th Amendment. That's why we're killing her.

That, and that dress.

flub: 8. Lesotho.

I'm picking Lesotho here. Not because I have any interest in ever setting foot there, but because I am convinced South Africa would pony up some serious Krugerrands (or maybe even Charlize Theron) to buy it from me.

I mean, what if there was some small independent country right in the middle of the continental US? It would piss us off big time.

UM: You mean texas?

Drew: 9. The United Kingdom.

An absolute steal. While the sun may now occasionally set on the
British Empire, I still get the British VI's as part of the deal. And
I can use the British Army to "reaffirm" ownership of Ireland and
Scotland, maybe rifle down a few rock-throwing protesters in the mix.

I'd get all the smoked salmon I could eat, all the Guiness and
Caffrey's I could drink, all the best golf courses in the universe,
and I could have Prince William murdered (preferably in a tower with
his brother in an homage to Richard III) and claim Kate Middleton for
myself. Grrrrr!!!!

Oh, and I could shut down the Arseblog.

MMP: For your information, there is plenty of historic golfing in Sweden.

UM: I have a bad feeling that CC is about to scoop my pick.

CC: 10. Argentina.

Not my ideal second-round draft pick, but if I'm going to be owning countries, I'm damn sure going to need a bountiful source of Latinas, and Argentina has a nice combination of retaining the Latina sexiness while actually descending from Spaniards and Italians. HOTT!

(Colombia almost got the nod because of all the cocaine, but it's got that whole civil-strife / cartel violence / kidnapping of rich people thing I wouldn't want to be a part of.)

Anyway, lots of great things about owning Argentina: Lujan Fernandez; Buenos Aires; cheerleaders in tear-away skirts; lots of beaches and variegated geography and climate so I don't get bored; and the ability to wear the sweet Argentine soccer jersey and not be a poseur.

I could probably even have Manu Ginobili and his family killed. Oh, and Argentina has an undisputed land claim over Antarctica. Who wants penguin steak?

Also Argentine: Carolina Ardohain.

UM: 11. UAE

In one word: Dubai

I would bulldoze all of the other emirates (too cool for states?) and turn the land into desert golf resorts and synagogues. Dubai itself is too bountiful to pass up. Their government established free zones have resulted in an economic boom that makes oil money look passe. Of course the first thing to catch your eye is their ostentatious architecture, and who wouldn't want to play a game of rooftop tennis overlooking the Gulf of Oman. They've built their own fucking island in the likeness of a palm tree and now just look at what the Donald is about to build. Hey Trump, Georgia O'Keeffe thinks that's a bit on the nose.

CC: Any selection of any country in the Middle East for any other reason than turning it into a parking lot is a foolish pick.

UM: It's only Dubai I care about, the rest of place would be as good as gone.

flub: Once we kick our oil addiction, the UAE will disappear into the sand like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

UM: I really just want to play tennis on the insane rooftop...oh and the golf is amazing.

Ape: Argentina is a great pick. And the only reason I got to go to Buenos
Aires last summer is because I was dating one of those Jewish
Argentine girls whose family, though resides in Florida (ugh), owns a
home in BA (yay!).

Ape: 12. Israel.

If we can't pick the U.S., I'll just pick the country that controls
the U.S. All of my citizens (subjects?) are potential troops and I
have a ton of firepower. Also, Israeli girls, though in my experience
fairly stuck-up, are reliably hot.

UM: You can take over Israel all you want, the UN will just keep giving it back to the chosen people.

Coming Up: Round 3

KSK Mock Draft:
These Are Our Countries, Rd. 1

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It's the only thing they're not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Austria-Hungary). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation's resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP. Serpentine format.

Round 1

CC: Oh boy oh boy oh boy! So nervous! Want to get best countries!

Drew: See, this is tough: do you pick a country you want to enjoy, or one you want to ruin?

MMP: A little from Column A, a little from Column B.

Ape: 1. Brazil.

Militarily and economically, they're no great shakes. But I'll control a clear majority of the world's hot women. It's South America, so the weather is always nice and the country is accustomed to corruption. People won't nuke me because I have the Amazon. Bonus: Blanka as a personal body guard (or some Amazonians). And maybe someone there can teach me how to dance.

CC: There goes Oden. Let's see if UM picks Durant.

UM: I don't get it, a country we want to rule for whatever reason?

Ape: Now you're on the trolley.

UM: 2. Japan.

Sexy subservient women and nobody calling me short. Did I do that right or have I already lost?

Ape: You fool! Japan is full of Japs!

CC: 3. Australia.

The Durant to Brazil's Oden. They speak English, but with a sexy accent. Lots of hot women, surfing, and a culture that makes cold beer a priority.

UM: Aussies are stupid and their boot-related traditions are archaic.

Drew: 4. Italy.

I need a low maintenance country, and Italy hasn't had a functional
government for ages and still does just fine. Plus this scores huge
bonus points with the ladies. Lots of good wine, pasta, and sexy
Italian eye candy.

You get brunettes in the South, blondes in the
North. Plus, I can pass a law that decrees that any grown Italian man
still living with his mother is a pussy. Oh, and I'd have all the
priests castrated.

UM: Germany for the first round Axis sweep?

Ape: Don't put it past Punter. He likes those schiesse films [I have no idea what that word means --Ed.].

UM: I take it we're limiting this to current countries, so I can't go and draft the Roman Empire? What about pricipalities?

Drew: Only current nations. If by principalities, you mean the Vatican or
something, I think that's still okay.

UM: So now it's a race to take Minerva!

Ape: I can't believe Unsilent passed on the Nation of Domination.

Drew: There's a picture of Paris Hilton blowing Cee Lo on Crazy? Possibly.

UM: Is it legit? My work computer has something against wwtdd.

Drew: Looked pretty legit to me.

flub: "Only thing that could bring it back alive, woman. Is some good, good head"- Cee-Lo

flub: 5. St. Maarten

has everything I will ever need. Gorgeous beaches (some nude), casinos and French restaurants. The only true duty free ports in the Western Hemisphere means tons of cheap shit especially designer clothes (for chicks and Ufford), booze (for me), and jewelry (for Unsilent Bling Majority).

When you're in the Caribbean (at least outside the squalor of the DR or Haiti) it's hard to get to worked up over anything. They drink this stuff called Guavaberry down there. I don't know much about it except that it is the with Orangina and lots of ice. If had "fuck you" money I would move down there in an instant. They even have WGN down there, I can watch the Cubs. Come to think of it, why am I not there right now?

UM: First act as new leader of St. something about that spelling.

Ape: St. JaMaarten.

flub: As a matter of principal, I eschew the frog spelling of the island.

Ape: Lazarus Hilton?

UM: St. JaMaarten! +1,000; Lazarus Hilton? -999

Ape: I'm still in the black.


MMP: The first of my two selections:

MMP: 6. China

They have Wal-Mart, yet they are still communist. They are a rising economic power. They have nukes. They eat dogs and cats. They have over a billion people. They name their years after animals. And if you don't have the money to fly, you can always dig there.

UM: Yeah, but the sideways vaginas still weird me out.

Coming Up: Round 2

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 3: Matt Schaub Is Traded

(phone rings)

Vick: (startles awake) What?! What the fuck is that?!

(phone rings)

Vick: Is that the phone, or am I still trapped in that dream with the cannibal mafia hitman?

(phone rings)

Vick: Okay, I think it’s the phone. Fuck, man.

(phone rings)

Vick: (takes bong hit) Hello?

Blank: Hello, Michael?

Vick: Maybe…

Blank: Michael, it’s Arthur Blank.

Vick: Man, I told you motherfuckers I don’t want that Fios hi-speed internet shit!

Blank: No, Michael, it’s Mr. Blank. From the Falcons!

Vick: What? Oh hey, Mr. Owner-man! The one with the mustache! How the fuck you doin’?

Blank: Listen Michael, I just wanted to let you know that we tra…

Vick: You the motherfucker that own Home Depot, right?

Blank: Yes.

Vick: Why can’t I ever find a motherfucker to help my ass in that goddamn store?

Blank: Well, we try and lay out the store so that it’s user-friendly.

Vick: Fuck that. And how come I need anchors when I screw shit in the drywall? I’m just trying to put in a shelf, and it turns into some 8-hour project and shit. My fishbowl keeps sliding off it now, man. Fuck.

Blank: Well, the anchors keep the drywall from coming loose.

Vick: Well, how come I don’t need an anchor for screwing into wood?

Blank: Because it’s stronger.

Vick: Then why don’t they just make the whole wall outta wood? Riddle me that!

Blank: Because it would warp. It’s just not a good idea.

Vick: (takes bong hit) That’s fucked up.

Blank: Anyway, Michael, I wanted to let you know that we traded Matt Schaub.

Vick: Who the fuck is that?

Blank: Our backup QB.

Vick: You mean the white boy?

Blank: Yes.

Vick: Damn. That motherfucker was good. Like really good.

Blank: Anyway, Michael, I thought you’d be pleased to hear the news. There’s no ambiguity about where you stand now.

Vick: Ambiguity? You calling me a fag?

Blank: No, I’m saying YOU ARE THE MAN NOW.

Vick: Yeah man, but white boy knew the motherfuckin’ playbook, man. He’s the one who watched film and went to meetings for me. He had good notes, man. Who the fuck am I gonna crib shit from now? What did you trade him for?

Blank: Two second rounders.

Vick: Two second rounders?! Motherfucker, you crazy? I just smoked a bowl laced with Liquid Plumr, and even I wouldn’t trade the bitch for that little. Why don’t you just trade him for a Slush Puppy while you’re at it?

Blank: I thought you’d be happy.

Vick: I just… I just don’t need this kinda pressure in my life right now, man. Everybody’s looking AT ME, man. Why can’t we all just slow the fuck down for a second and consider things like, tall wavy grass and shit?

Blank: Maybe this isn’t the best time to talk.

Vick: And how come they don’t serve burgers at the Home Depot? I’m moving lumber and shit. I get fucking hungry, man!

Blank: I think I’ll call back later.

Vick: It burns when you snort vodka. Wait… are you still on the line?

Blank: Yes.

Vick: Is this Marcus?

Blank: No Michael, it’s Arthur Blank.

Vick: Marcus, I think I just hallucinated. Schauby was in Texas and my chicken sandwich stood up on its hind legs.

(Mr. Blank hangs up.)

Vick: Hello? Fuck, Marcus, are you impersonating a dial tone again? Ha ha ha! Holy fuck, I am stoned. I’m not sure I can move. I feel like drinking an entire bottle of Caesar salad dressing. What’s that buzzing sound?!

Photo, as always, courtesy of the Onion. Oh, and nice job not trading for Matt Schaub, Minnesota Vikings. You fucking impotent assholes.

This American Football Conference

What do we do when we muse discursively on a topic? Do we reach a greater understanding of the world? Of ourselves? Of the suppurating boner we get when we tell the girl in the check-out line at Trader Joe's the big word we looked up from the New Yorker? I mean, The Believer.

("Hey! 'Postlapsarian.' That make you wet!? Wha- Ah! No! Don't take away my organic soy tandoori coconut chicken sticks.")

People, in the main, don't seek introspection. They seek the immediate gratification of a sentence directly expressed, and not the turbid waters of distilled genuine experience. Can't they understand nothing can be conveyed intellectually unless it's by an oblique music or movie quote? Also, they don't appreciate a throbbing phallus jammed into the duodenum. Philistines.

From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life, distributed by Public Radio International, I'm Ira Glass.

This week, the new American pastime: football. How did this come about? From whence did it come? Whither is it going? Did the twee novels we read not foretell such an phenomenon?

What do we talk about when we talk about football? Is the obsession a byproduct of our collective impetuous mindset? A Jungian desire for contact, kinetic energy... coherence? Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but he'd know for sure that Chris Simms is gay.

Now, football is something embraced by mainstream culture, therefore we must approach it leerily and with skepticism and superciliousness. To do otherwise wouldn't be fake-edgy, pseudo-intellectual and above-it-all.

(A music overlay of Boards of Canada's "Turquoise Hexagon Sun.")

Chapter 1 this week features Sarah Vowell talking about presidential assassins for 30 minutes. She may, at some point, compare Charles Guiteau to Jerry Rice, so don't switch over to that Sigur Ros record just yet.

Chapter 2: David Sedaris pays a visit to Wes Welker's dungeon school for cock-tickling gimps on the campus of Texas Tech and finds a way to make a cleverly worded reference to Jabberjaw and his wacky experiences learning French with his male partner in Paris. That is to say, Sedaris' experiences, not Jabberjaw's.

Chapter 3: A perfunctory attempt at engaging with real life folk. For authenticity's sake, we even let slip a few colloquialisms and sly references to the Iraq War. We'll explain to an ice cream man and an illegal immigrant the parallels of Faulkner and Jon Gruden. How devilishly informal and prosaic. I'll end the segment with an interview with Dave Eggers, who will be amused that I'm even asking him about something as mundane as football. He'll remark that there should be a team in Africa.

We hope you'll stick around.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

"It's always there, in the lower right hand corner, just waiting to suck."

We at KSK like to think of ourselves as one big happy family. True, it may be the kind of family that has an alcoholic, cross-dressing uncle, a kleptomaniac mom and a knocked-up 14-year old daughter, but it's a family nonetheless. And what better way to examine the humorous foibles of families than Bil Keane's venerable (not to mention inexplicably popular) piece of Americana The Family Circus?

With this in mind, the entire KSK crew (except Big Daddy Drew, what has that lazy fucker ever done for this blog?) devoted their collective wit to bringing an NFL flavor to this funny page stalwart. That's right kids, today you're getting two posts that at least tangentially relate to football. Damn we're good (and handsome, and smart, and well-endowed, and humble)....

(A tip of Unsilent Majority's sombrero to the sick bastards at the Dysfunctional Family Circus, who have been doing this sort of thing for years.)