Monday, July 16, 2007

Your 2007 NFL Drinking And Drugging Season Preview


I am 30 years old now, and have reached the point in my life where drinking alcohol has begun to fuck with my sleeping patterns. If I drink a six-pack and a glass of bourbon on a Friday night, as I am wont to do, I’ll sometimes wake up at 2AM, unable to fall back asleep.

This pisses me off greatly.

God, the greatest hater of them all, is forcing me to choose between boozing and a good night’s rest, and that is wrong. Shit, if I don’t drink BEFORE I go to sleep, then I have trouble getting to sleep because my brain won’t shut the fuck up. It’s a problem with no solution, which is why I’m planning on becoming hooked on barbiturates very, very soon. Can you snort Ambien? I’ll be finding out shortly.

Anyway, as you well know, the NFL is not only the greatest sporting spectacle in the universe (and when you’re competing against the likes of soccer, baseball, and the NBA, this is not a terribly difficult goal to reach), it’s also the greatest excuse to drink and drug ever. I’m the sort of person who will find any excuse to celebrate something. It’s Friday? Time to celebrate! Just got my paycheck? Time to celebrate! Company over? Bust out the Zinfandel! Lanced a boil? Time to fucking get down. And so it will be with the coming 2007 NFL season. I’ll drink to kick off the season. I’ll drink when the Vikings win, all three times. I’ll drink Sunday nights AND Monday nights. I’ll drink if TO tries to commit suicide again. If there’s even the slightest opening to engage in shallow and self-destructive behavior, I’ll be on it. Promise.

After all, Roger Goodell has made it all but impossible for NFL players to enjoy themselves. But he can’t control US, man. There’s no suspending you if you get fucked up and piss on a street lamp. So I say, full speed ahead. Get out there and embarrass yourself. Do it for Pacman. Do it for Chris Henry. Do it because you’re life is boring and there’s no other way to numb the pain. Without further ado, here are your drinking and drugging options for the 2007 NFL season. Yes, they’re exactly the same as last year’s. But, I tell you, this shit never gets boring.


Light Beer
I live in DC, so sometimes drinking light beer is helpful if you need to drive home. But, let’s face it: drinking light beer is like eating light potato chips. You’re going to overindulge to the point where you may as well have had the real thing anyway. And so I say: fuck you, light beer. If I’m going to get busted doing 80mph on Canal Road coming back from Maj’s apartment with one eye shut, I may as well go all the way with it. This season, it’s real beer or nothing.


Regular Beer
Last fall, I was in NYC at a block party that had free beer. And not only was it free beer, it was GOOD beer. Ommegang or some shit like that. It was so good, I just dunked my face in it and began sucking it through my oral and sinus cavities simultaneously. The burn let me know it was working. Anyway, during the party, we looked over onto Seventh Avenue and saw a man rollerblading down the middle of the street in full hockey gear, holding up all lanes of traffic. Upon further review, it was Tim Robbins. So, if you ever wanted proof that Tim Robbins is a complete douchebag, there it is.

Anyway, stock up on the beer this year. It’s the only way you’ll tolerate the Patriots going 16-0. Guhhhhhhhh.


Wine
I like buying wine at Trader Joe’s. The assholes there really overestimate themselves. “This hearty Cabernet contains hints of oak and pear, and makes a great pairing with a spicy stew or blackened catfish.” Dude, I buy wine at your fucking store because it’s $6 a bottle. And tell your cashiers to stop being so friendly. It creeps me out. I like wine after a fantasy team winning. That’s what arrogant prick NFL GM’s like Bill Polian drink after a victory, so I like taking the fantasy all the way.


Champagne Bukkake
I’m pretty sure no man has ever entered a bar on a Sunday and ordered a glass of bubbly for himself. And, since Brady Quinn is otherwise occupied, it won’t be happening again this year.

Mixed Drinks
It’s a Rum and Coke year this year. My team will be god awful. So, instead of drinking to wallow in that fact, I’m going to drink to overcome that fact. That’s right. Instead of drinking to artificially feel happier, I’m going to drink to artificially feel more confident. It’s a subtle move only seasoned alkies can pull off. By the way, the more lime juice you add to a rum and Coke, the more rum you can add. You won’t find drinking analysis like this anywhere else, bitch.

Scotch
Some people are scotch people. Some are bourbon people. I don’t really get this. Both are brown. And delicious. And make me happy. I, of course, am a beer whore. But I’d like to formally expand my whoring to all brown spirits. Single malt or blend? Who fucking cares? I'm drunk and horny.

Irish Whiskey
Jameson whiskey ages well. And, unlike other Jamesons, it never needs a vaginoplasty.


Bourbon
You know, I never buy bourbon out of plastic bottles, but I think I’m being too snobby. This year, I’mma try that Uncle Dale’s Tennessee Mating Fluid. It should go well with the Cleveland offense.

Tequila, Gin, and Mezcal
I don’t touch these. There's no quicker way to black out. Might come in handy for Chiefs fans.

Cognac/Port
Port is fucking cheap! You can get it for like $5 a bottle. And that is NICE. Here’s the problem with spirits like Cognac and port. You drink them like liquor, but they aren’t as high in proof. So really, it’s not very efficient drinking. These are drinks for connoisseurs who prize the flavor of spirits over just getting drunk. These people are assholes. Anyway, they make fine holiday drinks for watching games with the family. It’s a good way to hide your blind lust for pure drunkenness.

Construda
Last year, I watched the Chiefs-Colts playoff game high. HUGE improvement. The beauty of watching a game high is that you don’t really care about what happens, which in turn makes for far more enjoyable viewing.

Coke/Ecstasy/LSD/Meth/Crack/Ice/Swank/Vicodin/Valium/PCP
For those who are really, really into not caring.

There’s your 2007 preview. Remember: the preseason starts in a matter of weeks. Better get that liver in shape.

68 comments:

BeaverFever said...

yes BDD, hitting 30 is hard.

i also like mixing it up. usually early in the season when it is still warm i'll hit the gin and tonic hard. when it gets colder i'll hit the whiskey, usually Early Times. beer is always on the menu.

i also agree tim robbins is a douche.

Unsilent Majority said...

Vicodin and Valium have no business on that list. You'll be reaching for them by Week 4.

miamidiesel said...

i go with the lucky seven - 1/2 shot each of southern comfort, sloe gin, amaretto, skyy vodka, jack daniels, bacardi 151, and triple sec, topped out with cranberry, lime, and orange juice - delicious, and fucks you up, and makes eli manning throwing off his back-foot entertaining rather than excruciating as a Giants fan

jeff2 said...

Fuck Tim Robbins. I say good day.

Smello said...

I'm a beer girl with the occasional shot of SoCo & Lime mixed in. Although I do enjoy the wine, it doesn't usually go with my football. However, as a Raiders fan, I envision a lot of drinking alone. In my living room. Rocking back and forth.

Chris said...

I just kinda roll with what ever makes from back from the grove on Saturday. If Ole Miss is as bad as I think they are going to be then I may have to double my weekly liquor store run.

Also oatmeal stout works well for a laying on your ass on Sunday.

grungedave said...

Can I add absinthe to the list?

I need a way to hallucinate the Texans actually having an NFL-quality offense.

beer just isn't strong enough for this purpose anymore.

Otto Man said...

There's no quicker way to black out. Might come in handy for Chiefs fans.

Strong men also cry, Mr. Drew. Strong men also cry!

I just caught the Chiefs-Colts playoff game on the NFL Network. It was even more painful watching my boys shit the bed the second time around. Ty Law had a career game, and the offense still couldn't punch them in from the 5. Brutal.

On the bright side, I now understand how Caroline Kennedy must feel when she rewatches the Zapruder film.

Rusty said...

I spend my Sunday afternoon at Clyde's in the dead zone that is Friendship Heights, DC/Chevy Chase, MD. I recommend one water, one Bloody Mary, and one Bass. From there, drink Bass until Patriots (or the Vikings, lolz) win. Then indulge with a celebratory girl drink (Midori Sour?).

It's a good way to burn through $60 on a Sunday.

the butler said...

You watched ONE GAME high?

Come ooooooooooonnnnn.....

Sunday wake and bake is absolutely mandatory.

Every Sunday.

devang said...

Guiness.

Thanks to UM, my new favorites are Dogfishhead 60, 90, and (yet to try, but I have the bottle) 120 minute IPA.

I can't do the hard stuff, except for scotch.

@miamidiesel, when's the North Jersey KSK pub crawl?

Big Daddy Drew said...

YOU try getting high every Sunday with a kid around. The girl doesn't appreicate it when I bogart her oatmeal with mashed bananas.

BeaverFever said...

yes, i think having a kid can more of a dent in your drinking schedule/habits more than turning 30 can. changing a diaper drunk is not fun.

the butler said...

good point...if I didn't puff so much I might have thought of that, huh.

I think I would do better with the herb than the sauce around an infant, however.

lieutenant winslow said...

xanax, dude. xaaaaaaanaaaaaaaaaaax.

MicroscopicElvis said...

The Trader Joe analysis is spot fucking on. The Black Cat Cabernet is the greatest $6 fool your friends wine in the world. Of couse, when your wine rack contains nothing but said $6 wine you tend to lose credibility.

Best brew for the early games is Fat Tire or Mirror Pond IPA for those on the west coast

rand said...

@ devang.. be VERY careful with the 120. it's like drinking liquor. I alugh every time I go to the brewpub and see someone order 1 for the 1st time.... there night does NOT end well. Same goes when I introduce someone to it, it's um, a little different then the "micro's" they drink that they claim to be bad ass.

and a new batch of 90, straight from the tap, is the best beer in the world. 1a is a guinness from the factory at the bar on the top floor.

gerry dorsey said...

light beer is yummy, bourbon is even yummier, scotch is shit, and gin is a pile of shit on top of a pile of shit.

rand said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Redhead said...

Beer is what you drink when watching football, but otherwise I always recommend scotch to cure all ills - plus, the hangover just never seems as bad as with...well, everything else.

Hmmm, how come vodka isn't even mentioned here? Bad experience BDD?

BeaverFever said...

@gerry, i will have to respectfully disagree with you on your analysis of gin.

miamidiesel said...

@devang: sometime after I get back from getting worked like a government mule in Hong Kong. I'll be back August 4, so we should definitely do it during the month I'll have off before I have to go back to school. And I will see to it that we have some Sam Adams Utopias beer, so you finally get a taste of what the angels call 'ambrosia'...

Signal to Noise said...

Beer (really, most any beer not light beer will do) and Jameson are the game-day standbys, and vodka will work in a pinch if I'm lazy and don't want to make a booze run.

Unsilent Majority said...

I spend my Sunday afternoon at Clyde's in the dead zone that is Friendship Heights

No wonder you hate DC

Unsilent Majority said...

gin is a pile of shit on top of a pile of shit.

Get.Out.

Wormfather said...

The only thing worse than a RaFaWa is a single malt/blended/bourbon war

SaBlaBra

And you're asking for one BBD.

SlickBomb said...

We still don't know what construda means, right?

Myself, I like going for a little Colt 45. Two bottles for 1.50 a pop, and it gets you good and drunk. It's a win-win situation!

fallex said...

I like to keep a case of something like shorts (stroh's backwards) around for shotgunning. This is more in case I wake up late or have to run errands in the morning and need to "catch up."

grungedave said...

well, it looks like our good friend Peter King has been doing some serious multi-day benders on his vacation... from today's column:

"If you let Jon Kitna slide past the fourth round in your fantasy draft, you're absolutely crazy"

ahh, death, taxes and a Peter King FFL prediction that's sure to make no sense.

devang said...

I always recommend scotch to cure all ills

amen sister. Pick up a bottle of the Glenlivet 16 yr.old Nadurra. Good stuff.

lite beer is Barbaro Piss.

devang said...

@miamidiesel. Send me an email when you're good to go.

Yournotunique said...

I'm an Eagles fan. I used to drink during games. If I do it now I inevitably wind up with somebody else's blood on my hands or vice versa. Also, now that I have a nice remote (the Logitech Harmony) I can't afford to toss them across the room. So, uhh, yeah. Eagles + drinky = bad.

TheNaturalMevs said...

I just made a deal with the fiance to try and quit drinking. Probably not the best time of year for that since I'm a die hard football fan with season tickets and an invite to a corporate tailgate in cleveland every sunday.

Wormfather said...

@thenatural

That's the stupidest deal ever, my fiance tried to convince me of that shit once too.

She got me a bottle of johnnie blue and said how about this, when it's gone you quit drinking for a month...well one night I lost like $800 in poker and downed it to ease the pain, she came in and said "Well that's it"

I had a beer the next day.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Football + Lots of Beer = Good Times.

If your team loses, then the equation is:

Go Home + Bottle of hard liquor + Hangover = Shitty week without highlights of your team's loss.

@thenaturalmevs
Any woman who tries to make you stop drinking is a charlatan I tell you, a charlatan. You must run in the opposite direction as fast as you can...NOW MAN...RUN!!!!

Can you snort Ambien? I’ll be finding out shortly

Pure comedy...if you snort it, that green butterfly will be all up in your head flyin' around and shit. Not good for the dreamscape.

Calvin's got a job said...

A good wake and bake session followed by many a PBR and a hot plate of General Tso's is the only way Detroit Lions football can be watched

MN DUDE said...

Loved the Trader Joe's analysis.

You should come out to Stars and Stripes in Crystal City during the season. Where else in DC can you find true depressed Vikes fans who will come to every game even though they know it will be a loss.

Wormfather said...

I'm actually a big fan of snorting over the counter meds.

Have a killer hangover? Why wait an hour for the alive to take course. Smash that shit up dog.

Alergies killing you, snort some claritin.

Yet I've never tried coke, weird.

John S. said...

Step one- Put room temperature vodka in glass

Step two- Put 1-3 ice cubes (actual cocktail ice cubes, no the huge ones you get from your ice maker) in glass

Step three- Drink

Step four- Repeat

Enjoy until the daytime temperature does not exceed 50 degrees for three consecutive days, then, replace vodka with Talisker Scotch.

K-Rock said...

I like to drink cheap gin and canadian whiskey on saturday's while i watch college football, but stick with beer on sunday's for the NFL because i have shit to do on mondays. the good thing about getting near black out at 3 o clock in the afternoon while watching college football is that i dont really care about the outcome of most of the games so i dont break shit

Saintsation said...

Coke gets a bad rep, but its makes a great segue from friday night binge drinking whiskey & cokes to sunday morning drinking beer and white russians.

p.s. snorting ambien doesn't do anyhting except make your nose hurt

Rusty said...

UM, walking to Clyde's is easier than waking up before noon and taking the Metro to Buffalo Billiards, Rhino, or some other shitty bar.

Lyndon said...

Baileys in Ballston wins for (1) tons of screens (2) lots of women (3) said women are unusually "friendly", even by D.C. standards.

Of course, it loses by virtue of being in Ballston, but I'll still take it.

Murderface said...

OK, 1. There is no Tennesee Bourbon. There's no proscription against it, contrary to popular belief, but there isn't any in production.

2. Cognacs are every bit of the high proof that whiskeys are, unless you're talking about some flavored and dyed shit, which should never be consumed under any circumstances.

3. Port is not a spirit, it is a wine.

@ John S.: Putting ice in your Talisker? For shame.

littles: said...

this is making be mighty thristy, why is it only Monday?

Awful Chief said...

Rusty, what kind of bar are you so convinced does not exist in DC?

John S. said...

@murderface

you are absolutely correcct.

I forgot to decrease the number of cubes from three to one for the Talisker.

ColeTrain said...

Gin is bad, especially for Chiefs fans like myself.

I drank three gin martinis Friday night, fell down, and bit through my face under my lower lip. Time to spit up blood and get stitches. Fucking gin.

Damn, I can't wait for the NFL season... has this summer been a bit longer than the others?

UncleBad said...

You simply need to drink more. You wake up when the alcohol has all been processed by your body. Drink two more beers, then you'll sleep two hours longer.

Pemulis said...

Speaking of drinking, might I suggest a topic for possible use as a future column? Drinking Games for each team! For example, I, as a Jets fan, drink every time Pennington gets hit and I'm certain his arm will fall off, or every time an announcer mentions Mangini's relationship with that guy who coaches the Pats etc... I think it's a good way to make certain if you want to blackout before halftime, you have an excuse.

Rusty said...

Chief, I have no problem with DC bars. But for football purposes I need a place with Sunday Ticket that isn't overrun with douchetastic interns or anyone affiliated in anyway with Georgetown University. Also, walking > Metro.

Considering the popularity of Sunday brunch, I'm stunned that more people aren't drinking Bloody Marys during the 1pm games. High in vitmains, alcohol, and horseradish.

Awful Chief said...

rusty, you need to get down to the Capitol Lounge. Make your own Bloody Mary bar until 2 or 3, where the waitress brings you a pint glass filled 3/4 with vodka and ice and you get to add whatever goodness you want to it. They have good brunch food and the Sunday Ticket too.

Mackey's is another strong play for NFL Sundays.

Shan said...

ugh, being a lions fan means i have no choice but to black out for the entire 17 weeks...

Jackin'4Beats said...

Team winning: Bass left, Bass right, Bass up the gut.

Team losing: Cognac left, cognac right, cognac up the gut. Fall flat on your face and get carried home.

Repeat next week.

Wormfather said...

@Pemulis

You're a fucking hero.

Since you already took my beloved Jets...

Green Bay - Everytime they do a close up to Aaron Rodgers on the sideline

Falcons - Everytime Vick runs the ball (long days ahead)

Pop Cultured said...

I'll bet you could have done anything you wanted on a Saturday night and still have your lineup in an hour before kickoff on Sunday!!

nice post...

Murderface said...

NY Giants - Every time Eli throws his hands up in futility after a play of no gain or a loss. (1 shot)

Every time Shockey gets his helmet knocked off and gets up yelling and visibly "pumped". (2 shots)

Every botched special teams play. (1/2 shot. Any more would kill a man.)

Green Bay - Every time Brett Favre's "love of the game" is mentioned. (1 shot. Be careful, use something weak. Maybe Captain Morgan, Delores.)

Indy - Every time Peyton is referred to as "a student of the game." (1 shot.)

If you survive any combination of the three teams in the 1 o'clock and 4:15 games, you must take a shot during "Football Night in America" every time Bettis's "analysis" is completely ignored, every time Madden says someone "got on his horse", and every time Collinsworth smirks like a total dickweed into the camera.

Monday night you will be in the hospital, otherwise you'd have to take a shot everytime Jaws says the word "tape".

Enjoy.

Raskolnikov said...

Every bottle of wine from Trader Joe's has earthy tones because there's always 1 pound of sediment at the bottom.

the butler said...

@murderface-

good call on the Bourbon, which must come from Bourbon County, Kentucky...and is delicious.

Jay Byers said...

I don't drink or smoke. How long is it going to be before I start crying unstoppably, make abusive calls to old friends and chug from a bottle of bleach? Whoever gets the closest date gets all my things!

Greek Mike said...

Fuck. Canal. Road.

Greek Mike said...

oh yeah, and i second that xanax comment. xaaaaanaaaxx indeed.

quiet cardinal said...

Stella Artois... nectar of the gods, folks. nectar of the gods.

Greek Mike said...

homer + sleeping aid = comedic gold:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZeLUwcFGASs

SMP said...

It's all about staying balanced on a long Sunday afternoon . . .

rail
guinness
cigarette

rail
guinness
cigarette

Unsilent Majority said...

canal road has cops?


xaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanax!!!

Dusty said...

With your history of drug use BDD I can't believe you haven't figured out how to fix your sleep problem.

But then..its because of your drug use you can't..terrible catch-22 I guess.

Sunday wake and bake is a law in my house.Anything less is fucking retarded.

Whisker Biscuit said...

No one mentioned the most fucked up tasting shit known to mankind, JAGERMEISTER. Why any one with 1/2 a brain would drink this foul squid piss is beyond comprehension. Jager Bomb? Can you feel the pain? Drink one to many and you will wake up with your dick in the cat. I know I’ve seen myself do it, but not the cat part. Peace!