Thursday, July 19, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Prekkake: Jacksonville Jaguars

Sadly, that boy, dear readers, was the smartest boy
in all of Jacksonville Proper.


Five fast facts:

  1. The Jags often seem torn between Byron Leftwich and David Garrard. The unpleasant reality: they both suck big time.

  2. Travel tip: Jacksonville Landing is a red-neckier version of the Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. Upscale alfresco dining on Styrofoam plates, yee-fucking-haw. If you go, stay in Ponte Vedra or St. Augustine and drive up. Seriously.

  3. Matt Jones is fantasy kryptonite for starry-eyed white boys. Be strong. Avoid him.

  4. MoJo Drew’s father gave him a belt than enables him to whip any man’s ass.

  5. With Mike Rumph apparently out of the game, KSK is hoping for a break-out season from Jamaal Fudge.

Projected 2007 record: 8-8

Actual 2007 record: 8-8


Between the shitty AFC South and playing the AFC West teams out of division this season, there are a lot of beatable teams on the Jags’ schedule. If end Reggie Heyward can return to the form he had two seasons ago and Mr. MoJo Risin' continues to run all over defenses, the Jags should continue to hover around .500. But meaningful playoff success for this version of the Jags is over.

If the Jags can land (a healthy) Daunte Culpepper, then the Jags fans might have something to cheer about this season. Otherwise, one of the few things that might bear watching this is coach Jack Del Rio’s sartorial showcase. But I doubt that legions of Jags fans clad in Limp Bizkit and WWE t-shirts will be overwhelmed with the cut of the coach’s suit. If you want to impress people in Florida with a suit it should be covered in rhinestones or be full of spy gadgets like Jackie Chan's tuxedo in that one movie. I can't remember the name of that flick, but I think it was called Jennifer Love Hewitt: Still Not Topless.

Last week, left tackle Khalif Barnes received six months probation stemming from his DUI arrest last year. This silver-tongued, smooth talker thought he could charm his way out of a night in the cooler by coyly calling the police officer: “A white KKK devil.” Oh, K-Bar, you little minx. In case you missed it a while back when MDS had it at the Fanhouse, here is the police video of the arrest.


I thought the phrase “colored people” was deemed passé over a generation ago. Is Barnes trying to bring “colored people” back? Should I wait to see if Will Smith says it first? Then we will know it is okay for white folks to say it too. Drunk or not, Barnes still exhibits flashes of lucidity in this video, particularly when he refers to Jacksonville as a “hick town.” In vino veritas, motherfuckers.


35 comments:

BeaverFever said...

i'm sure khalif barnes used the term "white KKK devil" as a compliment.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Did that dumbass kid purposely impale himself. The depression from living in that city is just palpable.

Engineer Sighted said...

We at Clemson were clearly hoping that Jamaal would land in Green Bay.

twoeightnine said...

The Ben Folds comments are priceless. The people defending Korn and Limp Bizkit make Fanhouse readers look intelligent.

Pemulis said...

"MoJo Drew’s father gave him a belt than enables him to whip any man’s ass."

Pootie Tang references make everything better

Tracer Bullet said...

No, white people cannot call us "colored." We reserve the right, however, to refer to you as crackers, honkies, ofays and Mr. Charlie Bobo, the white devil. Also you cannot wear dreadlocks or rock the soul patch. Tom Waites is the only white man who can rock the soul patch and you ain't half that cool.

grungedave said...

the Fucktards still can't beat the Texans. That's so sad/pathetic I don't even have a follow-up joke.

Dave said...

The kid's not impaled; what looks like blood is shadow. http://offseason.wordpress.com/2006/09/29/picks-of-the-week-2/

Otto Man said...

"See, my damie, Pootie Tang don't wa-da-tah to the shama cow... 'cause thats a cama cama leepa-chaiii, dig?"

My Hero Zero said...

If the Jags can land (a healthy) Daunte Culpepper...

There is no "if." Duante is a black, overrated QB from a mid-major school; Jacksonville NEEDS him to corner the market!

Ricky said...

white KKK devil

Thanks for clarifying that he was white. I wasn't aware there were other races of KKK devils.

Smello said...

There seemed to a paragraph of actual football analysis/commentary in this post. It confused me.

Otto Man said...

You have to hand it to the Jags on one point. When forced with a team-color decision between a shitty teal blue and a craptacular leopard print, they decided to embrace both. Brilliant.

Biggus Rickus said...

As a resident of Jacksonville I want to take issue with your characterization of my city. Unfortunately, I can't, in good faith, do so.

Wormfather said...

Only in jacksonville can a person be attacked by a fake inanimate preditor.

I bet they put it down after.

Biggus Rickus said...

I'm just happy the kid's head wasn't stuck in one of the numerous colorfully (see: gaily[see: homosexually]) painted Jaguars they put up in various parts of the city.

Big Daddy Drew said...

tracer bullet, you left out the immortal Yakoo.

devang said...

That's a rare sight of Mike Tyson eating children.

PuraPirata said...

Forgive me for being whiter than Merita, but what is a "soul patch"?

Otto Man said...

Soul patch (n.): an inch of facial hair below the lip and above the chin.

Wormfather said...

OK, enough with the foreplay, give me my goddamned thursday animal snuff porn or I'll be drafting a new favorite website tomorrow.

SlideShow Bob said...

A healthy Duante Culpepper? i didnt know Jax owned a time machine. I think theyd be better off getting a young Joe Montana or Jim Brown, rather then Culpepper.

Chris said...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=sYF03VeoLuM

enjoy wormfather

Mike said...

Daunte Culpepper? Didn't he just get indicted?

Oh yeah, that was Vince Young. Sorry.

rar288 said...

I can't fucking figure this team out. They whoop the living shit out of the Colts, shut out the Steelers, and yet they can't beat horrible fucking teams like the Texans.

John Henderson is the only reason I give a shit about this team, or even pay attention to them. Search "John Henderson" on Youtube, click on the first thing you see, and you will know exactly what I'm talking about. He eats children.

J.L. White said...

Jack Del Rio: "Hey, why didn't you intercept that pass?"

Jamaal Fudge: "I'm sorry I didn't defend that receiver, but I was far too busy....being delicious."

The Pirate Sloth said...

Jax is a waste of a city... and I have to travel there in 2 months...

*sigh*

R2K said...

Hi : )

Rick Muscles said...

Aren't these guys the mid 90s Steelers. Two guys who can't play quarterback and the best guy for the job is probaly playing reciever.

JAMMQ said...

Not since flubby's decapitation of Memphis has a hick city felt this exposed.

Tracer Bullet said...

BDD, did you mean Yacub? Can one be both 5 Percent and KSK?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yakub

Big Daddy Drew said...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=yakoo

HolyDogWater said...

I've been a season ticket holder in Jax for six years now, top row, section 433. Why the top row in the top section you ask? That's the only place to ensure you're surrounded by opposing fans. Did I spill beer on your wife and kids... again??? Sorry, fuck-nut!

Complaint 1: In the middle of the 3rd Quarter they always play Sweet Home Alabama. Every fucking game! The place goes ape shit. REDNECKS UNITE!!!!

Complaint 2: Byron Leftnut.

UncleBad said...

sorry to break the news, but the Jags are going to be much improved this year. Leftwich missed most of the season and the stars on defense were injured too.

Jacksonville has this terrible mix of east coast attitude and redneck ways.

andrew said...

funny thing about jacksonville, highest murder rate in the country, you go there with the wrong attitude, you might not be leaving