Thursday, July 19, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Prekkake: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Naval Tradition: nothing but Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash

Five Fast Facts About the Buccaneers:

- Cadillac Williams's real name, Carnell, is Spanish for "meat."
- According to Wikipedia, kicker Matt Bryant went undrafted and had such low-end jobs as working in a pawn shop and playing for the Frankfurt Galaxy.
- Coach Jon Gruden was narrowly defeated by Lindsay Lohan at FreckleFest '07 this past spring.
- Owner Malcolm Glazer should not be confused with author Malcom Gladwell. Key differences: Glazer owns EPL team Manchester United; Gladwell is a published author who thinks writing a running diary is hard.
- This offseason, the Bucs signed alleged date rapist, drunk driver, dirty player, and Super Bowl goat Jerramy Stevens. Good luck with that one. Lemme know how it goes.

Projected 2007 Record:
0-16, last in NFC South

Actual 2007 Record:
2-14, last in NFC South

Three Longer Notes About the Buccaneers:

1. The Bucs quarterback depth chart, in no particular order, looks like this: Chris Simms, Jeff Garcia, Jake Plummer, Luke McCown, and Bruce Gradkowski. At one time or another all have been called gay for reasons other than being a quarterback. To wit:

- Simms has his boyfriend's initials tattooed on his leg. Pretty gay. However, he's an exceptionally tough gay man, as he completed a game against the Panthers last year despite having his spleen destroyed and subsequently removed. So he's a tough, gay, crappy quarterback -- or, as I like to say, a tough Eli Manning.

- Garcia was famously accused of being gay by Terrell Owens after their relationship in San Francisco soured. Garcia has since married a Playmate of the Year who went to court for fighting with another woman over him, but still: what a fruit. If we can't take T.O. at his word, really, who can we trust?

- Jake Plummer chose retirement over playing for the Bucs. This happened for one of two reasons: (a) the shame of fighting Chris Simms and Jeff Garcia for a starting position was too great to bear, or (b) he was terrified of being responsible for more than just handing off the ball to whichever cog of the Running Back Industrial Complex was Mike Shanahan's flavor of the month. Anyway, Plummer married a Broncos cheerleader, so he's gay too.

- Luke McCown is a McCown.

- Gradkowski is named Bruce. Everyone knows that's one of the names the gays took, just like Lance and Julian.

2. Bucs supporters are the only fans who can look at their team's logo and say, "Well, at least the pirate ship is less gay than the last logo." As you certainly know, before adopting the pewter and red color scheme, Tampa's team color was -- and I think this is the official term -- creamsicle. With that came this logo:



That's "Bucco Bruce." He has a big feather in his hat, an exquisitely manicured mustache, a hoop earring, and I'm pretty sure he's winking me. Even the surviving Village People think he should have been a little more subtle.

3. The Bucs mascot is Captain Fear. His web page says that his hobbies are "Surfing, Jet Skiing, Sword Tricks, and Attending Birthday Parties," which is what I've always looked for in a life partner. However, I found this unauthorized history of him somewhat more entertaining:


Captain Fear used to sail around the Caribbean, drinking rum, eating meat and chocolate, and looking for those makeshift rafts that the Cubans make so that he could smash them. He had a crew of some of the biggest baddest toughest guys you’ve ever seen, as well as a bunch of hot bitches to keep them company. They were known throughout the area as the Buccaneers.

One night, while sailing around near Florida, probably dolphin hunting or doing something equally sweet, they got caught in a storm. Or maybe there was no storm and it was just good old fashioned drunk driving. Well, whatever the reason, Captain Fear and his ship ran aground on the beach in Tampa Bay. It just so happens that they crashed into a football stadium which was both sweet and convenient. There were some losers there who were trying to play football. They might have been ninjas, but nobody knows (ninjas suck at football). Anyway, they challenged the Buccaneers to a football game and were completely OWNED by the Bucs football skills.

After that, the Bucs took over the stadium and pimped it out with pirate flags and cannons and stuff and began calling it home. All their hot pirate chicks became their cheerleaders and they had some jolly good times. Captain Fear went kinda nuts and he can usually be seen running around the stadium between plays and during halftime beating up kids and shitting on the sideline and just partaking in all kinds of mischief. The people of Tampa never really minded too much because they like to watch the Bucs kick ass every Sunday.

In retrospect, those three paragraphs should have been the entire season preview.

42 comments:

smeos said...

There are only two Bruces that aren't gay: Bruce Willis and Bruce Campbell.

Lance and Julian, though? Queer as $3 bills, all of them.

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price said...

Not surprisingly, this is a more valid season preview than the one in the Tampa Tribune today. Bravo, Ufford.

Christmas Ape said...

Speaking of gay B names, Ali G's Bruno shares a love of chocolate (and Romans) with Captain Fear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIStqMJsimg

Unsilent Majority said...

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.

Weed Against Speed said...

For the sake of accuracy, I believe the Tampa Bay quarterbacks should be called "The Butt Pirates".

BeaverFever said...

"The Bucs mascot is Captain Fear. His web page says that his hobbies are "Surfing, Jet Skiing, Sword Tricks, and Attending Birthday Parties,"

bucco bruce's hobby was sword swallowing. and by sword swallowing i mean sucking dick.

Chris said...

Jeff Garcia came in third in the freckle bowl.

Awful Chief said...

Bucco Bruce isn't gay, he just likes to targets homosexual party boats--they have such nice things. To hidden pirate island!

that's outstanding work with the pirate action scene. i can really feel the excitement in the two stickers.

Howie Feltersnatch said...

They all work hard & play hard. Should they not make the Cornhole Buccanerrs they would be great candidates for working at the steel mill or bouncing at the Blue Oyster.

http://gsmnet.ru/2006/10/04/paul_mauriat__el_bimbo_mp3.html

gerry dorsey said...

"professor....what's another word for pirate's treasure?"

"well i think it's booty....booty....that's what it is"

Jay Byers said...

"The people of Tampa never really minded too much because they like to watch the Bucs kick ass every Sunday."

And these people are allowed to remain at large with clearly unstable minds because...?

Ski said...

bucco bruce would fucking anyone

My Hero Zero said...

Gay QBs on the Bucs? Never would have happened under Tony Dungy's watch.

That said, as a Bucs fan the only games I'm looking forward to are those against the Falcons. I'm already working on my jeers...on that note, what rhymes with "ookie?"

Weed Against Speed said...

Did he just say "making fuck"?

Big Daddy Drew said...

-Does that earring mean you're a pirate?
-Kinda.

Chris said...

bucco bruce would fucking anyone

¿qué?

The Pirate Sloth said...

CC, are you going to call Julian Peterson gay?

Edmond said...

New motto for Buccaneers, "Keep Reaching for that Rainbow"

BeaverFever said...

little known fact. not a dagger in bucco bruce's mouth but an emery board for him to file his manicured fingernails.

Bryan said...

I'm pretty sure the gays took "Perry" as well.

Otto Man said...

Marge: You're being ridiculous.

Homer: Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values. Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house!

fallex said...

on that note, what rhymes with "ookie?"

Najeh.

Robert said...

That sword is fucking dangerous. Don't mess with swords, 'cause they will fucking kill you.

Ken Dynamo said...

i've got seamen on me poopdeck, yarr.

Jackin'4Beats said...

If the Bucs wear their creamsicle unis and the Chargers wear their powder blue unis then we can have the Inaugural Gay Bowl.

I wonder where they could play it? Hmmm... How about Candlestick (up the ass) Park? Brady (totally gay name) Quinn could be the guest referee.

Ufford, make it so.

Engineer Sighted said...

Last in the division? Come on, you really think the Falcons are going to win more games than anybody this season?

el_hombre said...

Ufford is just too damn attractive; neither sex can abstain from winking at him. I mean, who can blame "Bucco Bruce"?

Chamomiles Davis said...

smeos: Bruce Springsteen's gay?

Also, if Monty Python taught me anything, it's that every man in Australia is named Bruce, which therefore means every Australian man is gay. I guess that's why they attract so many foreigners, so that they might repopulate the country.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Bartender: Bucco Bruce, you've got a ship's steering wheel attached to your crotch!

Bucco Bruce: Yarr, I know -- it's drivin' me nuts.

STAK said...

to quote THE BEASTIE BOYS............what's another name for pirate treasure?............well i think it's booty.............

smeos said...

Shit, forgot about the Boss. Fine, there are only three straight Bruce's.

Australia can eat my dick.

John S. said...

Another gay name:

Lucius

Unless, of course, you are Roman, in which case you would named "loo-kee-us" and that is cool.

Sinfonian said...

Wow. 0-16? That bad?

I love the snark, and I can't help but agree that Bucco Bruce was, well, let's just say Florida governor Charlie Crist (of St. Petersburg ... yep, Tampa Bay area) was a big fan of Bucco Bruce.

And by "big fan," I mean Crist is gay.

It's no coincidence, either, that the challenge to patdowns at Raymond James Stadium was rejected ... we do love our patdowns in Tampa.

Anyway, I've been a Bucs fan since 1977 and a season ticket holder since 1998, and I've seen the good, the bad, the ugly, and teh gay.

And I just don't see 0-16, or even 2-14. Hell, we play Atlanta twice this year, and that's gonna be two wins right there. We'll probably split with Carolina and get lucky against New Orleans once.

Or, we can just kick 62-yard field goals.

I call 9-7. See you in January.

Sinfonian said...

By the way: Buc you!

Chamomiles Davis said...

sinfonian: Thanks for reminding me, you bastard!

SlideShow Bob said...

smeos: Bruce Lee killed men for less then.

deafjeff said...

I love Springsteen, but "cross my heart" has the line " sittin there with something sweet and salty in my mouth", so I've wondered.

Robocats said...

Funny that you should call Bruce a gay name. When naming me, my dad vetoed the name Chris because it was a gay name. Chris as in Chris Simms. I'm glad my dad was looking out for me.

Sinfonian said...

Always happy to help an Iggles fan, Chamomiles. :)

Perhaps you'd prefer I mention January 2003, the NFC championship and the last game at the Vet?

Or how about September 2003, the first game at the Linc?

Sorry to pile on. We've had some lean years lately ... I gloat so seldom these days.

swing4 said...

Tampa's team color was -- and I think this is the official term -- creamsicle.

This line amuses me to no end. Creamsicle. Ha!

Rick Muscles said...

i think this team needs to start getting their war room ready. They probaly need to start scouting for number one in the draft next year. I hope Gruden is excited, maybe Billik will give him a grace year and let him be an advisor to the Ravens. I can see the Auburn job opening up for Gruden's future.

Jon said...

Close, but no cigar. "Meat" in Spanish is "carne" - not Carnell... And Jeff Garcia is married to a former Playboy Playmate of the Year. He's definitely not gay, but I'll admit he's effeminate... It doesn't matter because he won't last 4 games with that offensive line...