Monday, July 9, 2007

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: Iraq!

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Up next: Iraq!

Hey, Iraq. What's been goin' on? Civil war, you say? Bummer. Things were going so well when I left, what with all the celebrating and firing into the air and looting and what have you. My buddies and I would have stopped you from looting, but you looked like you were having such a good time. Plus, we didn't get any orders for three days after Saddam abdicated. You know how it goes.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how much I liked the people in your country. Seriously. Your kids are all cute and skinny (I hate fat children) and eager to sell cigarettes, three attributes I admire in youngsters. And even though things have gone a little sour since 2003, I really appreciate being cheered when we rolled into Baghdad. Soooo much better than the volleys of rocket-propelled grenades we were expecting.

As a token of my gratitude, I'd like to introduce you to the NFL. You're going to like it so much, you'll forget all about how much your country is a complete fucking shithole.

Things about the NFL that will heal a war-torn country:

- Announcers' constant comparisons of players to "warriors" and game to "battle" will resonate instantly.
- Players' physical closeness and homoerotic overtones will enthrall Iraqi men.
- Detroit Lions front office makes Iraqi government look effective and efficient.
- Rioting after team wins Super Bowl much more gratifying when AK-47s fired into air.
- Dry, 115-degree heat at Arizona Cardinals' preseason camp registers as pleasantly warm to Iraqi fans.
- NFL players know what it's like to be killed by the U.S. Army.
- Sunnis, Shi'ites, and Kurds can agree to hate Bengals receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh, whose father is Iranian. At least until they disagree over who hates him more, sparking an unbridgeable religious divide that results in thousands killed. Oh wait. Never mind about that last part.
- Most of the devoutly Christian players suck.
- NFL has teams in shitholes like Jacksonville, Cleveland, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Detroit, and Oakland, so an expansion team in Baghdad isn't out of the question.
- Games on only once a week, so plenty of time left over for country's other favorite pastimes: soccer and treating women like mules.
- Plaxico Burress's rare combination of machismo and cowardice certain to appeal to Iraqi sensibilities.
- Ravens players will embark on a United Way campaign to scour Baltimore railyards for corrugated metal with which to build homes in southern Iraq.
- Opportunity to join most of America in disliking the Colts.

Things about the NFL that may result in more suicide bombings:

- Browns tight end Kellen Winslow is a soldier.
- Tom Brady spent his offseason favoring equally shitty countries in Africa.
- Texas has two teams.
- Bombing team headquarters and stadiums to show your displeasure frowned upon in America.
- Obvious favorite team renamed the Titans.
- The most common Iraqi professions are farming and goat herding, limiting the amount of time that can be spent online conducting fantasy trades during working hours.
- Brady Quinn not gay enough.
- All-powerful Christian God often thanked for touchdowns and victories, never responsible for losses.
- Relegation of women to sideline reporters and cheerleaders not demeaning enough.
- Exposure of cheerleaders' skin might, I don't know, result in a boner or something. Seriously, what the fuck. Making people dress in head-to-toe garments in 130-degree heat isn't religious tradition, it's just being an asshole.

NOTE: Obviously, a lot of shit about a complicated situation has been simplified for jokery here. Let's try to keep things away from a contentious and excruciatingly unfunny discussion of geopolitics in the comments, please.


el_hombre said...

Well the hijab does cover up the uggos. That's a plus.

My Hero Zero said...

Iraqis longing for the iron-fisted rule of Saddam will surely respect the new commissioner and his initial attempts to introduce islamic law to the NFL.

grungedave said...

the "run-and-shoot"/"chuck-and-duck" offense - the NFL's answer to the SCUD Missle!

Unsilent Majority said...

Roger "Uday" Goodell

BeaverFever said...

i thought for sure i was going to see buffalo on the list of shithole cities.

Tracer Bullet said...

No doubt the Iraqis will be distraught to learn that the man who would obviously be their favorite player, Darryl "The Mad Bomber" Lamonica, retired decades ago.

Don't You Judge Me said...

I have to disagree that the Iraqis will join us in our hatred of the Colts.

I would think that they would immediately take to Tony Dungy's rampant homophobia / thinking that everything is God's will.

Of course, the whole devout Christian thing could sway them your way.

Burnsy said...

Maybe they'd issue a fatwa on Tom Brady.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Maybe Goodell can punish Bill Maas and send him to Iraq to do color commentary during the games. Oh wait, the people of Iraq have suffered enough.

Send him to Texas instead.

JAMMQ said...

Iraqi fans will have instant fanbase that they can relate to and share a lot in common with in New York Giants fans.

Sean said...

#1 draft pick of the Baghdad Jihadis? Tank Johnson. He can anchor the defensive line and arm the locker room!

Awful Chief said...

Could provide lucrative opportunity to write The Last True Story I'll Ever Tell: An accidental fan's account of the 2007 Detroit Lions season
Well done, CC. Some of your finest work.

Shoopmonster said...

Things about the NFL that may result in more suicide bombings:
-An NFL game has yet to emulate the scene from The Last Boy Scout.

Matt said...

Being a Buffalo native, I fully expected them on the list, but was pleasantly surprised to NOT see them.

J.L. White said...

Pacman Jones can learn a lot from the Iraqis, like instead of punching strippers who take the money he gives them, he can just plant an IED underneath the stripper pole.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

fuckin' HILARIOUS post, CC.

Slash said...

Has anyone ever observed that that Winslow guy looks like RuPaul? Put a blonde wig and a dress on him, and he could be RuPaul's twin. Just sayin'.

swing4 said...

- NFL also has trading cards.

Becky said...

I was going to defend Detroit, but then I remembered the absolute lack of virtue in the city - best we can say is, suck it New Orleans, you kill more people than we do! And in the football team, where drafting wide receivers is not just a job, it's a religion.

I so need to move.

HolyDogWater said...

Things about the NFL that the Iraqis will think are the bomb...

When watching a Jaguars game, be sure to look in the stands at all the lovely ladies. Fond memories of your childhood pet will ensue as you notice all their big fat camel toes.

JTExperience said...

They'll just become college football fans for Spurrier's "Fun 'n' Gun" offense.

Ben said...

Things about the NFL that will heal a war-torn country:

- You're more likely to see soldiers in Iraq for the holidays than with their families.
- During especially dry seasons, NFL players can "make it rain".

Things about the NFL that may result in more suicide bombings:

- Unnecessary Air Force flyovers before every football game may trigger Post-Tramatic Stress Disorder
- Excessive use of pigskin


I definitely almost threw up a little bit in my mouth at the Tillman joke though. I don't mean that in a good way.

Bloof said...

@Ben: Ewww. You're right.

Maybe it would have been better to say Matt Millen rhymes with Pat Tillman, and not to get them confused. That way they wouldn't get scared when they see that bloated corpse in the luxury box at Ford Field acting all pissed off and cursing.

Awful Chief said...

Before you do something crazy and leave the Great Lakes & great times, remember that Sun-Thurs you can get 50 cent PBR's at Circus in Ann Arbor. In DC, a Pibber is usually offered as a 'special' for $3. Michigan: the upper hand.

Lord Farceface said...

Things about the NFL that will heal a war-torn country:

Surprisingly easy to overlook skyrocketing murder rate and lack of public utilities if you're team's having a good year.


deafjeff said...

Being a Buffalo native and resident, I was SHOCKED not to see us on the list. Good thing no one here pays any attention to hockey.

Happy Fun Miles said...

Pro: Only country with more outlaws than the Cincinatti Bengals.

Erik said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Brady Quinn's NOT gay enough? Now that I cannot believe.