Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The KSK Guide To Naming Your Fantasy Team


I suck at naming fantasy teams. Every year I come up with a fantasy team name (last year’s were Babette’s Meast and Hot Carl Lee), and every year I discover myriad other team names that put mine to shame. This is disappointing, as 50% of the joy I derive from fantasy football comes from naming and drafting my team. Everything after that is almost a letdown. There are 10 to 12 teams in every league (or, if you happen to be Punter and lack the ability to count, 14). Chances are, my team isn’t going to be the one that wins. And, if I do happen to win, then I’m just another asshole who brags about winning his fantasy league. I fucking hate those people, and so do you. It’s all sort of downhill from the initial thrill of starting out the year. You Arizona Cardinal fans can surely sympathize.

Well, this year, the pressure was even higher to come up with an acceptable team name, because the good folks over at Yahoo! Sports have invited us to join their Blogger All-Star (oxymoron alert) League, which they’ll be covering from week to week. It features us, Will Leitch, MJD, and other assorted chronic masturbators. As such, we could not select team names that were dirty (Boner In Your Butt, anyone?), homophobic (Chris Simms Is A Fag!), or ethnically displeasing (South Carolina Cracka Ass Crackas). This, as you might guess, created an almost impossible challenge for myself and my KSK colleagues. It meant we had to come up with names that were actually clever. Not our strongest suit. In fact, it’s not even a suit we have in our wardrobe.

There are no real rules to coming up with a fantasy team name. They tend to fall into categories: Dirty, Film/TV/Music/Internet references, News references, Puns, and Potpourri. Names can overlap categories, of course. But, for this exercise, let’s tackle these one by one. It’s a fantasy name brainstorming session! Actually, since we’re dealing with my brain, it’s more of a brainfogging session. I'll be assisted by some KSK friends, including flubby, who excels at this practice (his NCAA pool name this year? Octopussybasket.).

Dirty Names
Unusable for our Yahoo! League, but usable for the KSK keeper league. Dirty names never get old, because they are dirty. Sure, Space Dockers is not the most original team name. But hey, it’s space docking. It’s funny, because it’s horrible. Here were a few during my initial brainstorm session:

-Laser Rocket Cocks
-Fuck You Brandon Jacobs
-Penis Toaster
-TO Loves The Cock
-Cock Salad
-Ass Sashimi
-Angry Butt Pirates
-Strawberry Shortcakes
-Dildo Dishwasher
-Beaver von Bismarcks
-Carolina 'Gina

None of these are good. In fact, they’re all horrible. I don’t know how you make a cock salad, and I don’t want to find out. I assume ranch dressing is used for symbolic purposes. Laser Rocket Cocks is almost acceptable, because it works in a football reference. But, overall, these are God awful.

Film/TV/Music/Internet References
Fact: Over 70 million fantasy teams last year were named Whale’s Vaginas. The problem with making references now is that everything has officially been referenced. Think that Krull reference was a great pull? Wrong. Lots of other people also grew up in the 80’s, too. Jagoff. Frankly, I blame “Family Guy” and “I Love The 80’s” for beating every possible reference available into the ground. Even Internet references like “Carl Mondays” and what not can get tired within 24 hours (especially in our hands!).

Still, that won’t stop millions from naming their team “Sexy Time Explosions” this coming year. And you know what? It’s still pretty fucking funny. Here were some from my discard pile:

-A Planet Full Of Unicorns
-Mischievous Badgers
-Sandy Sullivan’s Gaping Snatch
-GoLords
-Destiny's Frankensteins
-Man Vs. Zakk Wylde
-Koolaid Maroneys
-Big Black Cocks With Pearly White Cum (this may also fit in the Dirty category)
-Pumps And A Bump
-Mary Worth’s Suicide Watch
-Spidermanbearpigs
-The Ambiguously Gay Uffords


As you can see, it’s hard not to spruce up some of these references with salty language. Additions like “gaping snatch” are always an improvement. And look, a Hammer reference! But not a reference to when Hammer was popular, but to his ill-fated gangsta makeover! It’s doubly ironic! Koolaid Maroneys makes me happy, and any chance to make fun of Ufford is always time well spent. Otherwise, some of these names are about as funny as a new Deadspin commenter.

News References
Current events in sports or other news are always a good foundation for naming teams. Especially if it refers to an athlete or coach who is in trouble. It’s an enjoyable way of laughing at another person’s personal anguish. Why, I just spent an hour today trying to think of every possible name involving the word Ookie. And any reference to a coked-out Lindsay Lohan is guaranteed to remain current. The problem, of course, is that most news references can grow old before the end of the year. Don’t believe me?

-Smoot’s Fingercuffs
-Scooter Labia
-Britney’s Flobee
-Mitt's Massholes
-Joslyn Morse’s Manpussy
-Virginia Gameness
-Ookie Monsters
-The Killing Of A Chinese Ookie
-Ookie Blaylocks
-Fortune Ookies
-Ookie Cutters
-Ookie Monsters
-Ookie Wilsons


Fred Smoot and Scooter Libby jokes. Man, do those topics have legs! Especially in a keeper league! I liked “The Killing Of A Chinese Ookie”, but Yahoo! wouldn’t allow names longer than 20 characters. Buttfuckers. I use the word “Manpussy” any chance I get, but that was out. As you can see, I went a bit overboard on the Ookie references, which brings us to…

Puns
Fantasy team names bring out the aspiring New York Post headline writer in all of us (my personal favorite Post headline, regarding a scam at Ground Zero: “Ash-Holes”). Puns are considered hacky, lame, and the refuge of a shitty writer. Which is why I thought of hundreds of them. I’ll only list a couple here to spare you the pain.

-Otis Spunksmeyer
-Goodell Ship Lollipop
-Schorno for Pyros
-The Cunt of Monte Cristo
-Tits Ahoy


I write ad headlines for a living. If it weren’t for puns, 99% of all advertising would cease to exist. As would shitty, horrible team names like these.

Potpourri
Freed from confining genre names, random names allow you to come up with shitty names or in-jokes that have nothing to do with much of anything. GO WILD!!!!

-Body by Mangini
-Bong Hits For Satan
-The Winking Nipples
-Maraschino Jeff Garcias
-Dan Shanoff’s Shaved Back


Body By Mangini was a personal favorite of mine, since it made fun of Eric Mangini (he has tits!) and myself (I do too!) simultaneously. Pot jokes always get a good reception. People love substance abuse. I have no evidence that Shanoff shaves his back. That was all through the power of my imagination.

As I said, many of these categories overlap, which is how I came up with my final team names.

KSK League: Brian’s Dong

Yahoo! League: BradyQuinn Handparty


Brian’s Dong is a combo of Dirty Name, Movie Reference, and Lame Pun. But I liked the fact that it represented the gay porn name for some old football weepie I never watched. Starring Gay Sayers!

Yahoo! has accepted the latter name for now. No one can resist a tribute to this photo:


And the Borat reference, while tired, was fitting. EXTREMELY fitting. So it had that going for it, which was nice.

But names are in the eye of the beholder. You may like the name Brian’s Dong. You may prefer Pan Down For Reggie Bush. Regardless, the important thing is that YOU like the name you picked for your team. After all, you’re the only asshole on Earth who cares about it. Until Week 10, when Larry Johnson tears his patellar tendon.

So happy naming to you, fair fantasy players. I hope you come up with something better than the shit I came up with. I’m quite certain you will. Your names welcome in the comments.

And if you’d like to know the names of the teams in the KSK Keeper League, here they are:

-Brian’s Dong
-My Hot Babysitter Raped Me
-Mattoon Green Wave (Hey Leitch, try something new for once)
-No Poon For Plaxico Tax
-We Are The Diamonds, We Come From Glasgow
-Cum Dumpsters
-Birmingham Church Fire (from UM, an inspried choice)
-Canada Roughriders
-Al Harris’ Fruit Bowl
-Gaza Striptease
-Gabelicious
-Misconstrudas
-Mr. Irrelevant (Way to make an effort, Mottram)
-Cleverly Named Team (from DJ Gallo. There’s a reason he gets paid to make jokes and I do not.)

153 comments:

John said...

is UM the birmingham church fire? my two teams are "apes at a rave" and "lisa 'dead-bitch' lopez" (that one never gets old)

devang said...

Purina Vicky Chow. Contains enough pot to mellow out even the toughest dogs.

(Yes I'm still angry, and I don't even own any dogs).

Raskolnikov said...

...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Meast Juice

Hustler of Culture said...

Baseball - Stupid Angelos (obviously)

Football - I'm thinking "Bear Gylllis Sleeps in Hotels"

Permanent4 said...

All my fantasy teams are named "Off Constantly." It's like my Dad used to say, "Son, you just can't beat Off Constantly."

Why, no, that joke doesn't ever get old for me. Why do you ask?

John S. said...

My best team names I have had:

Mike Charlie Foxtrot

Achaean League

Monkey Steals the Peach

Kevin said...

The Pimp's Backhand, that is all

Otto Man said...

If they won't let you use the Butt Pirates, go with an obscure Milhouse reference I used to use -- the Dreaded Rear Admirals.

Chris said...

Otto Man - I thought you would have gone with Team Discover Channel

mozz said...

Jon-Benet Rams. That is all.

Biggus Rickus said...

My only decently named team? The Ralston Roid Ragers. Timeless, alliterative, asinine, it has it all.

Otto Man said...

Have I become that predictable, Chris?

I once had a team by that name but no one in the league got the joke. I think I wound up changing it to the B-Sharps or something less obscure.

Lionel McClure said...

I've used Team Discovery Channel. I even made a shitty photoshop icon of Martin and Nelson. I've also used Unexplained Bacon in terms of Simpson's references.

Also, The Cleveland Steamers never gets old.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Hannibal's Cannibals should work well - movie reference and it's clean...unless you're the one being eaten then not so much.

Ken Dynamo said...

peehole bonanza

STAK said...

my team is named Ron Mexico's Revenge...........

Shoopmonster said...

Apparently BDD is really a fan of the name "Ookie Monsters".

Jackin'4Beats said...

Ukrop Deep Sixes

Supermarket in Richmond that is closed every Sunday.

Shoopmonster said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pemulis said...

Anal Conquistadors is a favorite of mine... another is The Gash Sacks

Shoopmonster said...

I just usually go with "Greg Oden's Raven".

Chris said...

Team Balco - Baseball

Helen Keller's Disciples - Football

Wormfather said...

I think I might go with "Jason and the Assgrownuts" this year.

Standbys.

Pre-teen clean.
Pardon the Intervention
My mom and dad having sex

The last name is a curse on the other teams as every week someone will have to think, "Who am I playing this week? Oh, I'm up against my mom and dad having sex."

Biggus Rickus said...

The Old Spice Red Zone Sponsored by Home Depot and Made Possible by a Donation from the Carnegie Foundation. Too long?

Mark said...

I've used something to do with Ron Mexico every year since I've started (only been playing three years now but in 2 leagues). And oo-boy have I lucked out this year. Good'ol Ron Mexico has given me lot's of potential names. Might go with Ron Mexico Gave My Dog Herpes but I'm looking for something a little shorter. Any suggestions?

Jon Koncak's Thighs said...

Last year, I went with "The Jonathan Taylor Thomas Experience." Include a picture and see how many frightened and/or confused looks you get at the draft. Good times.

Shamel said...

I'm going with the Ookie Shuffle

Tuck Fexas said...

Last year, my team was the orgasmic hillbillies

Jackin'4Beats said...

Spleen's for Breakfast

Wormfather said...

@Mark.

Mr. Mexico's Ookie all stars
Mr. Mexixo's Ookie Opus
Ookie and Anthony

The Last Dragon said...

"Kenny Irons Suitcase"

Jordan Ginsberg said...

In the last year:

Prison Gravy and Delicious Afterbirth - Hockey

Billion Dollar Penis - Basketball

Jews for Jesus Alou - Baseball

Christmas Ape said...

I'm regretting not following Otto Man's advice and going with the Dr. Sally Waxlers.

Awful Chief said...

in consecutive years a team in my league was:

-Curtis Enis, throbbing penis
-Curtis Enis, revenge of the penis
-my penis is bigger than the penis of curtis enis
-Enis envy

grungedave said...

I refuse to do Borat references... no matter how funny they are, your Borat-themed team will be one of millions. No fun in that.

Then again, I'm the guy who has named his team Smelly PirateHookers for three years running. And for my office league, I stick with the Chewbacca Defense (law firm league obviously). Or the SMU DeathPenalty - cause it's fun to make fun of my own school.

Awful Chief said...

Just decided on "Second Eye Blind" with orlando brown pic as my logo.

Josh said...

my best name was "System of McCown" a couple of years ago, which I arrived at after spending literally hours trying to work up lame puns involving band names and NFL players (Mike Minterpol, anyone?).

Biggus Rickus said...

Martin Luther Lizard Kings

The Young Nucleus said...

Football options:
-Ookie Lavagetto (football AND baseball)
-Construda for All!
-Oh Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaah (I just can't get enough of that Koolaid)
-Ms. Adam (think about it...)

Basketball:
-Jew Slamma Jamma
-Playing for O.J. Mayo

Baseball:
-The Rime of Julio Franco
-Don't Fuck with DeJesus (I can't take credit for that one, it belongs to somebody in my Yahoo! League)
-The Elijah Dukes of Hazzard

Any sport- Young Nuclei (you knew I had to go there)

TheNaturalMevs said...

Brian's dong. Nice.

Cliff said...

Grande Assblast. That was my name in a Starbucks-led league last year. Now, Starbucks sucks, and I must think of a cooler name.

liquid_d said...

Using a reference that my league doesn't quit get, I went with team Clasina Valkenberg

Awful Chief said...

correction: "brown eye blind" is way better

McBain said...

I'm partial to Freddie Mercury AIDS. As soon as you see me on the schedule, you dead dawg.

Shoopmonster said...

Ookie Salad Tosser

Pemulis said...

Three Doors DownSyndrome

Lionel McClure said...

"second eye blind" is better than "brown eye blind". while brown eye blind incorprates the crude as well as the clever, it's almost too complicated, and you lose the music reference.

smoothvanillapocketrocket said...

Your Mom's Boyfriend
I like to start insulting other players immediately. It gets uncomfortable if someone has a dead mom, but hey, you should've tried harder to keep her alive fuckface.

Neil said...

I've been Grampa's Magic Anus for years. It's creepy with a children's book flair.

Biggus Rickus said...

For Baseball, the probably unoriginal Doug's Man-Cave Itch.

Luis Bup said...

Corey Lidle's Co-Pilots has a nice ring to it; however, not quite apropos for a football team.

Awful Chief said...

hockey: Primeau Shit
nascar: Skoaliosis

Biggus Rickus said...

@luis bup:

Pat Tillman's Platoon?

the butler said...

Tim Donaghy's Kneecaps

jpyeager22 said...

nascar: Danica Patrick's Muffler
baseball: Barry's Track Marks
football: Ricky's Sticky Icky

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Throwgasms for some, miniature American flags for others!

GeorgeV said...

THE BAD NEWZ KENNELS

MC said...

@ smoothvanilla...I like your choice. I usually go with the abbreviated 'Your Mom'. This way even if you lose you can say "Your Mom took a pounding this week."

AustinBoston said...

Team name used for baseball and football: Bo Knows Hoes

Also came up with 2 Phat 4 Spandex for my old roommate.

Chris Condon said...

Baseball: Dickie Thon in a Box
Football: The Enis Mightiers

modthirtyb said...

i tend to try to class it up a little bit with The Late-Term Abortions

SMP said...

Leinart's Love Child

Will be good for at least 18 years.

Pemulis said...

Brady's Bastard Baby

washeed-neutwon said...

I too am a user of the name bad newz kennels it is not original but it makes me happy.

Chopper Dave said...

The Menocu King Prongs

nathan said...

Bukkake Sunrise

grungedave said...

best name I ever saw was:

Joe Theismann's Leg

I tried to copy the theme, but the best I could come up with was:

Rae Carruth's Girlfriend - I think Yahoo would ban this immediately.

John John The Bastard said...

My team in a league of kids I knew threw radio stations for a few years was

The Bouncing Soldier Fields

Basketball :420 Bakers.
Baseball: M&L Airlines
And hockey is always :Fleury's Bottle (a gold star for whoever get's that reference)

Useable for all are
The Christ Punchers
The Upright Otters
Fondue With Cheddar
Blanquito Favorito (Works really well if you are the lone honkey in an all minority league. Why yes, I do live in Harlem why do you ask?)

Pre Pro Sports said...

Great article! Well done!

Burnsy said...

Jugs and Red.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Originally I set up this year's Yahoo! team with the name "First Place," but then I switched it to "Romo Is My Holder," because fuck the Cowboys, that's why.

Fargin_Bastage said...

Stink Eye For The Straight Guy
Lindsay's Alcohol Bracelet
Lazy Knee Grows

Jackin'4Beats said...

The Vanderjagoffs
Eli's Badminton Buddies

smoothvanillapocketrocket said...

@john john the bastard
Along the same lines, my team name last year was Honky Kong. But all the people in my league were white. Hmm. So it's not the same at all. Shit.

Dan said...

NHL

Karl's Dyke House

Chris said...

The Fighting Jesuses is always a fan favorite.

The Hater said...

Come on now. How can you not use "God Emperor Goodell"? I'm using it in all my leagues this year.

Mitch Cumstein said...

Three Nut Minimum
The Milano Hairbrush
Hard Pipe Hitting Wookies
Raging Mega-Huge Boners
The Mitch Cumsteins
Single & Hammered
Danny Pintauro's Mustache

twoeightnine said...

Tom Fupa is bringing home the championship again this year.

Steve said...

Najeh Shit in Your Hamper

Steve said...

Turf Cock

Rock said...

Helen Killer.

dick_gozinia said...

@jpyeager22 - You should be banned from this site for admitting to being involved in fantasy nascar. For shame!

I've gotten away with "Ron Mexico's Herpes" and "The Phil McCrackens" in past Yahoo! leagues.

My asshole buddy created his league in June, which is illegal in my book. You need to wait until late July. So my temporary team name is "June is For Baseball". But since its mostly cops in that league I was thinking of "Baconators" or "Donut A$$holes" or "The Bacon Smellers" just to piss them all off.

My league has been called "Southside Scumbags" for 5 years now. Year 2 was "Scumbags Strike Back" and Year 3 was "Return of the Scumbags". I is clever.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I stick with the simple. I call my team... Team.

Bucktown Skins Fan said...

I've been thinking about the name "Atomic Donkey Punch" for a while, and even created a logo for it.

I'm not sure I'm going to go with it though.

I was somewhat inspired last night by "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" to name my team "The Portuguese Breakfast." The logo potential is intriguing.

McBain said...

Dominic Jones and the Blast Crusade

K-Rock said...

Thinking of going with "Construda is for closers"

I feel it has a nice ring to it

Andrew said...

The Quiet VT Koreans

Vanilla said...

I was debating between Fido Wanna' Ookie or Cujo Wanna' Ookie but it would just suck if there were other Ookie teams in the league.

Consigliari said...

A sampling of years past:

Tickle Me Elton (BktB)
Soul on Ice (Hock)
Briar 2
The Underhill's Bill
Sorry John Paxson (BktB)
Tremendous Slouches
Vickheads (FB)
The Uncle Tomlinsons (FB)
Cush-lash (FB)
Cardiff Giants
1-800-Joe-Horn (FB)
Mr Sinilindins
The May Tricks (BB)
Saving Nolan Ryan (BB)
Roids of London (BB)
The Roid Mosebys (BB)
Neil Page Songbook
Habitual Linesteppers
Frayed Labrums
Crazy Cool Medallions
The Silver Mullets (Hock)

Tecmo Bo said...

For five years I have been the proud GM of Reggie White's Rainbow Coalition.

Biggus Rickus said...

Cozy's Squagels

duke said...

Fantasy baseball team this year: David Cone's Dick. Am I the only one who remembers when women were accusing him of whipping out his dick in the bullpen at a sparsely attended home game and displaying it to female fans? Apparently...no one thinks it's funny. Fuck them.

Irish Duffy98 said...

for my movie reference football league:

Daddy's not coming on anything!

Otto Man said...

I'm regretting not following Otto Man's advice and going with the Dr. Sally Waxlers.

You never listen, Ape. And that's why I hit you.

"Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!"

rar288 said...

I gotta Go with "The Suite Life of Rexy and Ookie"

John said...

Balls Deep.

CW aka Chad Sexington® said...

Funky Butte Sects.

TY said...

Yao Minge

Jeremy said...

My 21" Femur

CW aka Chad Sexington® said...

Due to Yahoo's space limits, all one word...:

Mike Vick Doggy Day Care

12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich said...

Hmmm...someone already has "The Dogfighters", so "MikeVickDoggyDayCare" is out...

Rob Rose said...

I think this year I'm going with

Texas Turf Tacos

John said...

I never win the leagues, but always win "Best Name." A sampling:
A Rectal Prolapse
Scissor Me, Xerxes
Colostimus Prime
A Connie Chung Christmas
Andy Dick's Last Flush
The Aristocraps
Grandma's Weathered Funpatch

But I still don't have a good one for this year. . .yet. . .

Mookie said...

Best name hands down: The First Downsyndromes

Andy said...

Ron Mexico's Home for Wayward Dogs

Blair said...

Enhanced Performers

Commodore said...

Always go with two names every year: The Kobra Kai Dojo (my yahoo screen name is actually John Kreese) and The Noodle Incident (an extremely obscure Calvin and Hobbes refrence,) but I think "Ron Mexico's Home For Wayward Dogs" is going to be added to the roation.

Angelos said...

Shaved Beavers, here.

stukehrig said...

The Wesley Crushers.

Luis Bup said...

@ biggus rickus:

Mike Coolbaugh's Carotid Artery?

Sal said...

my team is the "Mexico Pit Bulls"

Laser Rocket Arm said...

SalaryCapInYoAss, although I may also use Peregrym Reaper to honor Big Ben's Bridget Moynahan-wannabe girlfriend.

Tyler said...

Going along with the Ron Mexico theme, my best effort was "Gonhorrea and the Burning Sensations" with Vick's picture as the team logo. Second place was a reference to the No. 1 cause of death in the civil war, "The Tennessee Quicksteps" this time with VY as the logo.

Dr. Kent, Chair, Department of Yinzguistics said...

I'm cruising along, enjoying the article, as always... Chuckling at the names and then "The Cunt of Monte Cristo" stops me dead and I have "an episode".

Thank you so much for that. I appreciate it. Sure, it's not new, but it was totally unexpected here.

chris.franks said...

pits of muhammad - baseball
chrome horn - nascar
dirty sanchez - nfl

alex said...

Baseball:

Suspicious Cream

Football:

Noodly Appendages
Fred Taylor's Groin

Bill B said...

This year... Weekend at Benoits

tlhUW said...

I foolishly thought that I was the first to name my team "Bad Newz Kennels", I'm an idiot.

By I have a new (and already classic)one. "4th and Schlong"

I also have gone under the name "Weekend Warriors".

John John The Bastard said...

The Little Donny Foundation.

Pa-Hoe-Nix Jim said...

I have been the "Brown I-Formations" for last few years

PartMule said...

Outstanding. I love your work.

How about these:

Punch the One-Eyed Clown
12 Inches of Dangling Fury
Taco Dressing
Coiled Spitting Dragons
Jim and the Twins

Sorry, all with sexual connotations. I'm sick, aren't I?

Just Off Pace said...

Baseball:
The Flaxseed Oilers The Annie Savoy Special

Football:
The Unsportsmanlike Conductors

Golf (yes, golf):
The Flungclub Shaftsnappers

weslah said...

who made el duque?
oreo jeters
pacman jones and the lookouts
workin' the anal angle
hymen on the totem pole
klecko my eggo
george washingmachine
knocked uppers
tractor gonorrhea (seinfeld)
a-rod upyerpooper
jalen rosebud
kobehurtinmyass
iraqi pataki!

Noah said...

Cory Lidle's Flight Instructor

Todd Akers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Luis Bup said...

@ noah:

Cory Lidle's Co-Pilots wasn't specific enough for you?

David said...

names i've gone with:

Momma's Bukkake Pie
Bab's Uvula (Bill Murray/Gilda Radner SNL skit)

David said...

Chris Hansen's Cockblockers

Damon said...

I've done well with:
Homer Pimpson
Ashy Larry

modthirtyb said...

@ bill b

hands down my favorite. just beautiful

The Seaward said...

In the past I've gone with shit like Droughns' Driving Academy and Najeh's Hamper... then I realized that my team names--not unlike 90% of all Deadspin commenter names--was following the [This guy]'s [that] formula, so I'm trying to move away from possessives this year. I may go with an old standby: The Tony Danzas.

Mike said...

- The Bukkake Tsunami
- Doug Flutie's Retarded Sons (Not even remotely clever, just awful and wrong in every way)
- Mark Chmura Day Care
- Sons of Brady
- Viva Ron Mexico
- (Going back to a classic KSK post) Wade Phillips, who the fuck are you?

darth said...

The Brady Munch

teacheyd said...

Go with Dexter Manley Book Club. Timeless and mean-spirited.

adam said...

-2 minute drill w/your mom
has served me well. Dirty, pun and insult all in one.

Heath said...

I dont have the best team names...usually something All-Stars.
ie Dave Burba's All Star's or Ray Finkle's All Star's

My fantasy baseball league is "Roger Dorn Night." I rather like that one. As in, "is April too early for a Roger Dorn night?"

Jon said...

Let's see... the Atlanta Alpha Dogs are this years sportingnews team.

Previous years: JD and the Mooks (obscure reference to INXS), the Chefs, the Buckfutters.

Other Teams: The Japanese Ballslappers (baseball), the Montreal Steak Spice (hockey), the Poop Schrutes (hockey again).

Ryan said...

With Another Man's Testicles.

So the conversation goes:
"Who are you playing this week?"

"I am playing With Another Man's Testicles this week."

That is the only funny thing Bill Simmons ever wrote or said. Although he probably stole it from someone else.

jbpolitsch said...

Movie references....

Mr. Blutarski 0.0
Abe Froman, Sausage King
Laces out Marino!
Eric Stratton "damn glad to meet ya"

TuckPendleton said...

Find me one other site on the Internet where you can get a John Cassavetes reference to go with your Hammer makeover reference.

Well played, Drew. Well played.

Matt said...

The past names I have used:

Feces Pieces
Ted from Accounting
Edward Penishands
The Rural Jurors
The Lufthansa Heist
Honey Nut Ichiros
Vandelay Industries
Short Bus Rapist

BigRicks said...

Holley Mangold's Gash continues to provide me with pleasure...

Wait that came out wrong.

Eddiebear said...

I may have missed it, but has Will Leitch's Black Shirt been mentioned?

emc265 said...

My old favorite (not too applicable anymore):

Chiefing the Trent Green

Some others:

Vick's Electricians
Seventh Floor Crew Alumni
Ron Mexico and the Drip

Sammy said...

Ronnie "Get In Ma" Belliard (Baseball)

Pigskin Labia's (football)

MoRic said...

The Electric Koolaid Construda Test

Too nerdy???

pscace said...

For baseball: Ugueth's Vacation Home

Kyle Morehouse said...

Taint Misbehavin'

mealticket said...

I named my team "with a man's balls"

And then every week I'd ask my opponent who he was playing this week.

Funny

Jeremy said...

Pillow Pants

Benjamin said...

i went with Phisting Ray Finkle...I had to go with the non phonetic (odd how that word isn't spelled fo-net-ikly) use of Fisting because the ass blasters at ESPN apparently figured out that there is another use for that word

Michael said...

Dirty Gerbils

Richard Gere