Thursday, July 26, 2007

People with Pit Bulls Don't Kill Pit Bulls; Pit Bulls Kill Pit Bulls

(Alternate Headline: "Donny Dogkiller: Sports Illustrated Links Mattingly to Dog Fighting")

Ah, 1987. We were all so much more careful, more prepared for the worst twenty years ago. No one was on Prozac. The Unabomber bombed freely. The Japanese stood poised to destroy every American business. Consecutive summer Olympics had been marred by Cold War boycotts. And presidential scandals were all about taking the money from illegal arms sales to sworn enemies and using it to illegally fund rebels opposing a sworn enemy on a different continent (Take that, blowjobs and far-ranging organizational incompetence). It was an era where we handled impending doom with abject fear, instead of today's more popular ironic detachment and willful ignorance.

And though few remember it, pit bulls -- not the well-intended gambling addicts training them to kill -- were the next Great Menace. Hey, something had to replace Soviet Russia.

Yes, it was 20 years ago this week that SI featured the dangerous "pit bull terrier" with an ominous "Beware of Dog" sign posted on the fence around its magazine. And I think we need to reflect on this. It's time to give Michael Vick a break and look at the real enemy: pit bulls. Because has Vick ever actually killed a pit bull? Well, yes. Probably. But he was mostly putting the animals that he cared for out of their misery. Animals that were MAULED BY PIT BULLS. Not humans. Not Michael Vick. Pit bulls. And they need to take some of the blame.

Alas, young Ookie was only seven at the time of the SI cover story, and SI KIDS didn't make its debut until 1989 (And even then it was all puff pieces: Look at this popular athlete! We photographed him smiling AND jumping!). It's safe to say he missed the lessons of this SI feature that targeted young athletes with pro aspirations. Among the warnings about pit bulls:

- Minimal shedding negated by propensity for bleeding on carpet.
- Tendency to hump other dogs against their will, eat babies.
- Product of communism (probably).
- Did not participate in Hands Across America.
- Are easily bred to believe Holocaust did not occur.
- Likely to kill adorable cobras.
- Menacing nature confirmed when pit bull puppet attacked Ronald Reagan puppet in "Land of Confusion."
- Probable source of AIDS.
- Fur not very soft.
- Will totally fuck up your NFL career.

Unfortunately, the warning went unheeded on the gritty streets of Bad Newz, and now it's NFL fans who suffer at the loss of the most electrocuting player in the league.

Thanks a lot, pit bulls.

(Image found by Football Huddle 3.0)

30 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Damn you Mattingly! Filthy dogfighting hippie!

flubby said...

That pit bull killed Punky Brewster's dog Brandon.

Shan said...

I knew cooler heads would prevail in this thirst for the blood of Ookie. Thankfully there is somebody with a little journalist integrity to report the real facts on this matter.

Out of Rightfield said...

Just because Vick's indicted, doesn't mean he's still not running dog fights, right? Because I want to lay at least $2K on that motherfucking Cujo in the picture.

The Dude said...

PETA should totally picket against that cobra.

Fucking cobras.

Awful Chief said...

I'm just hoping that Steven Hilliard Stern still wants to do When It Was a Sport after all this mess.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

I have to disagree somewhat with this post. As a pit bull owner, I can verify with absolute certainty that it took a lot of hard work and dedication to turn my dog into the soulless killing machine that she is today.

Your a priori-ganda wouldn't fly over at Bad Jewz Kennelz, that's all I'm saying.

Chris said...

- Fur not very soft.

Actually my pit-bull's fur is really soft. last night she was bad and I told that if she kept acting like that I was going to send here to bad newz kennels. She was on her best behavior the rest of the evening.

gerry dorsey said...

seriously though....why the fuck was everybody in sports illustrated for kids perpetually in the air???? fucking mindblower.

Andy said...

Don't blame the pit bull, blame America's educational system.

If a young Ron Mexico had never learned to read, he would never have been exposed to the wonders of pit bull fighting in that propagandist rag, SI.

Wormfather said...

Has anyone here ever seen two dogs get into it, or even two animals, they dont even have to be the same species.

All I'm saying is that anytime two animals get into it, it's like magic, even when it's your own dog that you love, you want to pull her away, but at the same time your thinking, kill her, get it girl, I'd love my dog a whole lot more if I knew it had a tear tattoo under it's eye.

Not that I condone "orginized" dog fighting or anything.

Chris said...

http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l250/marlboroman82/IMG_0197.jpg

i have wormfather, these two dogs kept bullying all the dogs at the park the other day. my pup finally had enough.

Shan said...

i just dont understand "are easily bread to believe the holocaust did not occur." What the hell is the holocaust?

Chris said...

http://s98.photobucket.com/albums/l250/marlboroman82/?action=view¤t=IMG_0200.jpg

sorry tis is a better photo

fallex said...

Mattingly, shave those sideburns!!

Michael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael said...

I was going to make a funny post comparing a Pit Bull's ferocity to Carl Marx, but that all ended when I typed "communist pit bull" into Google, and this picture came up. This, coupled with yesterday's Manifesto, has me thinking that the Iron Curtain is coming back. Now, if it can only keep Joey Harrington from eating astroturf...

Awful Chief said...

Ookie's lucky that nobody found out about "Retro Night" at Bad Newz Kennels, featuring all-night bear-baiting bouts.

Pemulis said...

pitbulls have aint got shit on hitler cats. http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com

Otto Man said...

seriously though....why the fuck was everybody in sports illustrated for kids perpetually in the air????

Their offices are made of nothing but trampolines, cotton candy and lollipops! It's the most wonderful, fantabulous, spectaculous miracle place on Earth!

No, wait. I'm thinking of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

Skin Patrol said...

If my dog saved my life, he wouldn't shit all over the carpet just to spite me.

Burnsy said...

By those standards I am apparently a pit bull.

Wormfather said...

@Chris, yeah boy that's what i'm talking about, get that weak shit outta here.

@Shan, I just hope your not writing that from the Fatherland.

gerry dorsey said...

"Their offices are made of nothing but trampolines, cotton candy and lollipops! It's the most wonderful, fantabulous, spectaculous miracle place on Earth!"

"I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it!"

Buzzsaw said...

The most impressive part of Vick's dogfighting career was the fact that we never witnessed "Doubtful: Vick (Dog bite)" If I'm killing dogs with my bare hands (again), that dog is fucking me up before he goes down.

Slash said...

This shit is why, when I'm organizing blood sports, I use only humans who can sign liability waivers. PETA don't care about humans. Actually, nobody cares about humans.

Now if I happen to be out somewhere and a vicious dog fight breaks out, yeah, I'm taking a video of that and I MAY even put some money on it. But I don't organize dogfights myself. That would be wrong.

skipper said...

SI KIDS didn't make its debut until 1989 (And even then it was all puff pieces: Look at this popular athlete! We photographed him smiling AND jumping!).

What about the issue where Buzz Beamer demonstrates the proper use of a rape stand?

swing4 said...

Pitbulls were the most popular dog in American households right after World War II. They were the Golden Retriever of their day, if you will, praised for their loyalty and intelligence.

That was before they created AIDS, of course.

AWEST said...

You are totally wrong and off base. You probably have no clue what a game Pit is, nor the new American Bullies. It is night and day between the two, so don't go label the whole breed. It's a mix breed to start with, the new era of bully style Pit bulls are great with people and other dogs. You can thank the Staffordshire Terrier. Don't label a whole breed off of what people do with their dogs or what they breed for. For instance Game Pit bulls should be outlawed, they are the original Pit bull made to take down a bull with no fear and complete non-stop drive. Let's stop breeding them, then these losers who fight this wonderful breed wont have good enough fighting dogs. American Bullies are larger, slower, and not as agile. They would be mauled by a Game bred dog in less than a minute. Over the last 10-15 great breeders have been breeding for temperament. Making these dogs that were once feared the ultimate human companion. People made the breed, people fight the breed, people are to blame. You can't blame a gun for being shot, someone has to pull the trigger and it was people who started this, simple and plain. Thats why a new era of breeders are here to let everyone know the true side of the breed, they are the biggest lovers in the whole world!!!

JOGN-stl said...

your right pitbulls are a great breed, and if you dont know the history of the APBT you shouldn't write an article about them. And mike vicks a peace of shit, and he has herpes too.But its the people who make them killing machines. And see the word gameness was used as a word to describe the real sport the dog was used for, like pulling heavy weight. Now its just the stupid people who use gameness as a blood sport term. And dogfighting was brought up in the 1800's by lower class people keyword low class people. Now these days pitbulls and other dogs are mostly used for help cancer patients, helping on the police force and a friend and or part of your family. Pitbulls are not the only mean dogs I know for a fact because I have a mean dog and shes a Labrador and shes been that way since we've gotten her at 6 weeks. So stop stereo typing pitbulls and go suck mike vicks dick and that goes for everybody who isn't against Mike Vick, GO SUCK HIS DICK thats what he wants you to do.PUNISH THE DEED NOT THE BREED!