Five Fast Facts About The Ravens:
-Of the 276 reported murders in Baltimore City last year, only 273 were committed by Ray Lewis. He said God was responsible for the other three.
-The team brought in running back Willis McGahee not to give the offense a fresh pair of legs, but to restore the roughly 300,000 people the city has lost in the last 50 years through his hordes of illegitimate children.
-Quarterback Steve McNair was totally not to blame for the eventually dropped DUI charge he incurred over the off-season. That interception in the endzone in the playoffs against the Colts? Still kinda his fault.
-Raven Symone to fill in ably and fattily for Jonathan Ogden this season when he again contemplates retirement.
-Samari Rolle just a subpar sushi dish with a lot of Old Bay seasoning.
Projected 2007 Record:
0-16, 4th in AFC North.
Actual 2007 Record:
0-38, banished from league, America.
(...okay) 10-6, 2nd in AFC North.
Ways in which the Justice Department would change if tomorrow Brian Billick took over for Alberto Gonzales:
1. More running directly up the gut on first, second, and not infrequently, third down.
2. Patriot Act mostly unchanged, but somehow more pompous sounding.
3. Attorney General remains about as douchey, but with less hair.
4. There are no more differences.
Occasions in which purple camouflage pants are not gay:
3. Andre 3000 wears them.
Players for whom white Ravens fans cheer:
1. Todd Heap.
2. Todd Heap.
4. Todd Heap (after Matt Stover kicks a field goal).
Wedding Crashers incorrectly claimed that Maryland was all about "crab cakes and football." What is Maryland actually about?
1. Crab cakes and lacrosse.
2. Liberal politics.
3. Not being able to buy liquor anywhere.
4. Johnny Unitas -- just kidding, he's always been an Indianapolis Colt.