Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Up next: France!
Greetings, Frenchmen! Welcome to Kissing Suzy Kolber. We're here today to promote Roger Goodell's global agenda and convince you of the Truth: that the NFL is the greatest sports league on the planet. Now, there are a lot of ugly stereotypes about the French: they're snobby, their women don't shave their armpits, they're genetically inferior weaklings since consecutive World Wars wiped out two generations of physically fit men. But that's a bit overblown. In truth, many French women shave their armpits.
Please note, people of France, that I like your country. I selected you in the country draft, after all. Sure, I regret taking four years of French class in high school and college, as not speaking Spanish has been a huge impediment to my Latina fetish. But I've visited L'Hexagone from Gay Paree (which was gay) to Nice (which was nice), so I think I know what you fine Frogs can appreciate about the NFL... and a few things you may choose to pass on as well.
Things about the NFL that will make you say, "FORMIDABLE!"
- Parisians are obnoxious, have overblown senses of self, and know little about their own country outside of their immediate geography. Which means they should find an immediate kinship with New England fans.
- Rampant, institutional racism gives French a head start on becoming talking heads who claim whites are better suited to play quarterback.
- John Madden's skull rumored to be filled with delicious triple-creme Brie.
- Meteoric rise to stardom of Kurt Warner, followed by his collapse into mediocrity and obscurity, reminiscent of Juliette Binoche.
- Very few Muslims.
- TJ Houshmandzadeh: Persian, not Arab. So it's okay to like him.
- Pétanque, a kind of lawn-bowling, is the most popular "sport" in France. Good news: fantasy football requires even less physical activity!
- No French NFL player has embarrassed himself with sorry attempts at rapping and an engagement to a B-list TV star on the decline. Suck on that, NBA.
- Descendants of Charles de Gaulle and the Free French will appreciate the Cleveland Browns' outward defiance of their enemies while they get their asses handed to them.
- In an attempt to gain French support, the Houston Texans' offensive linemen have been renamed "the Maginot Line."
- Drinking absinthe an excellent way to deal with cheering for Arizona Cardinals.
Things about the NFL that will make you say, "ZUT ALORS!
- Fans of La Cage aux Folles may find Brady Quinn too gay.
- Long snappers Jean-Phillippe "J.P." Darche (Chiefs) and Louis-Phillippe "L.P." Ladouceur (Cowboys) forced to go by initials due to Americans' inability to accept faggy French names.
- Despite Gene Upshaw's obvious likeness to Vichy France, he still hasn't been able to round up all the Jews in the NFL.
- Cheeseheads worn by Packers fans actually made of foam, and thus far inferior to Camembert helmets worn in Normandy.
- Drinking wine at an NFL game is a huge faux pas. Except in the luxury boxes. And San Francisco.
- No chance of Roger Goodell getting the Marie Antoinette treatment.
- Frenchmen visiting America's southern coast for football will be disappointed learn that Jacksonville and New Orleans aren't exactly the Riviera.
- Robots featured in FOX telecasts terrifying to cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys.
- Steelers fans reminiscent of Basque separatists.
Bonne chance, mes amis! And remember, if some clown in a Cowboys jersey tries to tell you how America is far superior to your homeland, politely remind him that the drinking age in France is twelve.