Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick Ookie! Episode 8: Indictment!


Vick: Oh, man.

Hoo boy.

Good Lord.

Well, this is it, man. I’m not getting any more stoned than this. I mean, holy fuck.

I might be dead.

(phone rings)

I guess I’m not dead.

(picks up phone)

Hello?

Lawyer: Michael, it’s your lawyer.

Vick: What’s going on, Mr. Perry Mason?

Lawyer: Michael, you’ve been indicted.

Vick: Indicted? Really? Who’s throwing a party? Ookie loves a good party.

Lawyer: No, no, you’ve been indicted., not invited. An indictment is when you are charged with a crime.

Vick: Well, what crime did I do?

Lawyer: Conspiracy to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities and to sponsor a dog in an animal fighting venture in U.S. District Court for the Eastern District in Richmond, Va.

Vick: Uh… wha… I was in a commercial?

Lawyer: You’re being charged with dog fighting, Michael.

Vick: Oh, snap! Really? Well, fuck me blind.

Lawyer: This is serious, Michael. It says that Bad Newz Kennels…

Vick: You like that name? I think the Z makes it even fucking nastier.

Lawyer: It’s a very nice name. It says you ran a dog fighting outfit out of Smithfield, VA.

Vick: Well, what’s so bad about that? Know what else they do in Smithfield? Make ham. And I don’t see any charging any farmers out there with pig fighting.

Lawyer: Well, they don't make them fight.

Vick: Well, they should. That would be fucking sweet.

Lawyer: Slaughtering pigs is legal because it’s for commerce.

Vick: But you just said I was being booked for commerce! I made $50,000 off that shit!

Lawyer: It’s just… It’s just not the same.

Vick: (takes bong hit) Well then, that’s fucked up.

Lawyer: It’s says you performed electrocutions. True?

Vick: Hell, yes! I’m the most electrocuting player in the NFL!

Lawyer: And that you drowned them? Hung them? Slammed them to the ground?

Vick: No way, man! I was just being playful. No, wait! That was, like, obedience training and shit. Yeah! I had to drown a bitch or two because they fought TOO MUCH! I prevented them from fighting AGAIN! So, in many ways, I am a hero. How you like that?!

Lawyer: I just... I think you should prepare for the fallout, okay?

Vick: Eh, whatever. Fuck that. (hangs up) I think I better kill the rest of those dogs. I’m tired of these dogs snitching. Priscilla! Come here, girl!

(enter Priscilla)

Vick: Now, you know Ookie loves you, right?

Priscilla: WOOF!

Vick: In fact, he loves you so much, he wants to show you around doggie heaven! You interested?

Priscilla: WOOF!

Vick: I’ll take that as a hell yes!

(grabs cattle prod)

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

UPDATE: This is brutal.

UPDATE #2: PFT explains the origins of Ookie:

THE ORIGIN OF "OOKIE"

One of the strangest aspects of the Tuesday indictment of Falcons quarterback Mike Vick is that, in addition to "Ron Mexico," he also is known as "Ookie."

So where does the Ookie come from?

Apparently, it was given to him by his mother. And, apparently, he only lets close friends refer to him by that moniker.

"Man, if they called me Ookie it would really be on," Vick told ESPN.com's Page 2 several years ago. "I would really be upset, because nobody else can call me by my nickname but my mom. Unless I give you permission because you really know me, but none of the guys know me real good so they can't do it. But yeah, that would really get me going."

46 comments:

The Pirate Sloth said...

Nicely done Drew.

Vick's still fucked though.

Unsilent Majority said...

I bet Vick wishes he could speak Dog.

STAK said...

imma crawl under a rock now..........holy fuck!.........Joey Harrington?!?!!.........FUCK ME..........

J.L. White said...

Ookie? Is that anything like an ookie cookie? Because that's....not something Vick wants to be in prison. No siree bob.

SlickBomb said...

Uh… wha… I was in a commercial?

Very nice. Great job, Drew, as usual.

BigRicks said...

That is fucking fantastic work for something that was obviously thrown together post haste after the indictment. kudos. Especially the end, brutal to imagine. What a dumbass.

Wormfather said...

Well done.

nerditry said...

Fuck me if this logic isn't sound, but in what way could weed and dogfighting ever associate? They just don't go together at all.

Maybe grasshopper fighting like they do elsewhere, but I believe Vick or he's smoked himself retarded.

Bstone said...

Nice work. The Z makes that shit so fucking nasty. 4 realz.

twoeightnine said...

I don't understand. ESPN told me that he wasn't getting indicted.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2927560

David said...

ESPN wrong? Fuck! Here I was blowing Yankees and Red Sox players like there's no tomorrow, and ESPN isn't right all the time? Fuck. I'm trying to get Cory Lidle to leave, and that fucker just keeps laying there.

Rick Muscles said...

my name isn't really rick muscles

Barney said...

Fuck him and his friends and partners if even one of those charges is true.

I know serious comments get slammed here - and I get that, I really do - but I just cannot see the humor or the "badass" in any of this.

Half a smile for the lightning bolt - but then I remembered what I was smiling about. Fuck.

- Barney

Mike Register said...

First visit to this blog, and I can't stop laughing! Good luck Bobby Petrino. Maybe Alabama will hire you in a few years.

Mike
God Loves The Gators!

Awful Chief said...

isn't esskay hotdogs a smithfield brand? as in k esskay? vick, electrocuted dogs, ksk...if there was a conspiracy in any of this, it would be fucking solved.

BeaverFever said...

got to love the "this is not good" tag. fuck vick, he is a scumbag.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Mr. Vick, at anytime did you "construda" any of these dogs?

Dwilkers said...

Wonder how Atlanta feels about trading Schaub to Houston now.

Chris said...

Rot in Hell Micheal


Makes me want to go rescue a second pitbull. Sorry to get so seriously but that hits a little too close to home.

Johnny Eclectic said...

So, once Vick ends up in the 'pen, any odds for how long until Bubba puts him on the Brady Quinn Special, and makes Vick bark the whole way home?

gerry dorsey said...

marcus did it!!!!

FFJewbacca said...

Big Daddy Drew, will you marry me?

J said...

I wonder if he's gonna ressurect Johnnie Cochran and use the chewbacca defense....ya know Ookie is so high right now that it might actually work.....

BeaverFever said...

@chris, no need to apologize. dogs are awesome. especially the ones you rescue from the pound. they seem to love you even more.

The Last Unitard said...

Ron's going to be switching from dank chron to rancid toilet wine. I can't wait.

Pepe said...

I don't pity Bobby Petrino at all - this is exactly what he wants. Trade Schaub - get Vick indicted, sign Harrington, go 1-15, get the first pick - and get to coach Brohm next year. All according to plan.

My Insignificant Life said...

Drew - This is solid, just like if we were listening in on the call - cannot wait to read the transcript of Vick's court appearance.

Pig Fighting (I got $20 on Porky) - Presented on ESPN 2 - More like Vick meeting his cell mate - 'C'mon Michael - squeal like a pig for me'let's see how fast you run bent over the bottom bunk....

WV - fffyx - The sound Vick will be making his first night in a cell (if convicted of course).

My Hero Zero said...

Your move, Marcus.

Sorry...

Your move, Marcuz

Slash said...

It may interest someone to know that that awesome Sports Illustrated issue with Vick on the cover is available on eBay for the (for now) low, low price of $4.50.

I thought maybe it was a fake cover since you credited The Onion, but no, it's real. Real sad.

Mr. Electric, sparking a revolution at quarterback. Don't worry, Michael. Indicted is not the same as convicted. OJ is still on the Pro Football Hall of Fame website, so if you got a good enough lawyer, your legacy is probably safe.

el_hombre said...

"Bad Newz Kennels" - jesus, Mike, that's too fucking subtle - use Dog Fightz Inc., or something like that. You got to make sure that people know what the product is... more money in it. After all, people love dogfighting.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I would rather think that Pig Cage Fighting would be shown on ESPN 8, The Ocho - instead of The Duece.

But thats just me.

And for those who get a little serious with this, don't apologize. While we are having a laugh at Vicks dumbfuck expense, the shit that is brought up in the indictment is fucking disturbing, inhumane, and sick. If those are true in the slightest bit, they should all be done to Vick himself.

the butler said...

You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead.

browncreeper said...

I pity the Ookie if Julius Peppers owns a shih-tzu.

Smello said...

That last picture on Grimey's site actually hurt to look at.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Vick: Indicted? Really? Who’s throwing a party? Ookie loves a good party.

Lawyer: No, no, you’ve been indicted, not invited.


Now that's comedy.

Makes me think: They have eVites for invitations. Would it be possible to create "eDicts" for criminal charges?

Vick: Shit, I better not open this.

Jarrett Carter said...

In other news, Pacman Jones has been named official spokesperson for PETA.

SMP said...

Just goes to show, you can take the thug out of the hood, but . . . oh wait, he moved to Atlanta

jay said...

maybe the water bottle was used for doggie ashes.

Wormfather said...

I love dogs, so much that I'm actually allergic to cats.

I would love to get up and be really, really, (high pitch voice) really upset about this...but...

I live for kill kill kill thursday. So I've got no problem with an animal killing another animal. Next if they brough enslaved gladiator fights back tomorrow it'd have it's own paid cable channel by friday. And I for one will not put dogs above humans.

H.N.I.C. said...

"fuck vick, he is a scumbag"

I know right anyone who isn't guilty of anything yet is a scumbag. Dumbass.

H.N.I.C. said...

Oh wait, my bad, I forgot I'm on Kill Some Koloreds.

Ethan Stanislawski said...

Fucking hell Drew, I had just eaten a whole pizza before I see mutilated dog faces and a giant turd on this site. I'll be in front of the toilet all night.

STAK said...

as a diehard FALCONS fan, who now can i rely on to take the team upon his shoulders all the way to a 7-9 season?............FUCK.............

Unsilent Majority said...

Yeah right stak. Everybody knows that diehard Falcons fans are make believe.

Dusty said...

BDD hat tip to you on the post. Great work showing the ignorance of this fuckwit extraordinare.

As for Ookie, I hope he knows the pain of getting fucked long and hard with a chainsaw..wait..that's too good for him.

Gridiron Goddess said...

HYSTERICAL. OMG. Can't...breathe...laughing...too...hard!