Tuesday, July 17, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: Cleveland Browns


The Browns do have some rip-off charming bathware that could appeal to Drew.

Five Fast Facts About The Browns:


-Braylon Edwards' AOL away message permanently set to "knot livin up to expeKtationz! LOLLERCOPTERZ!"
-Kellen Winslow Jr., like all true soldiers, is a big King of Queens fan. Hopefully he'll get the military discount when he sees Kevin James in "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" on opening day.
-Now that Jamal Lewis has left Baltimore, he's given up distributing cocaine, only because Cleveland citizens prefer to have their bleak existence straight up.
-Ted Washington still upset he didn't receive Unicron role in new Transformers movie. Unicron upset that it takes him years to float from one end of Ted Washington's gut to the other.
-If head coach Romeo Crennel doesn't work out, there are still at least two Battletoads left.





Projected 2007 Record:


5-11, 4th in AFC North

Actual 2007 Record:

6-10, 4th in AFC North (such overachievers)


Wizznutzz explained much about the small hamlet the Browns call home in its whimsical telling of the family fable of Shitsy Spitsy. Cleveland is a dour place, they said,"passed over by travelers and passed over by history."

It is also an austere place, with its homely Harvey Pekars, Drew Careys and Harlan Ellisons. How happy these humble toilers must have been when Brady Quinn was wished into existence by an 8-year-old gay boy named Shannon and swept into town on a prismatic beam of light and Joe Thomas' fishing boat.

If you're a regular reader of this of any other sports blog, you're more than aware of the swishifying exploits of a certain former Notre Dame quarterback who stole our hearts with his grabasstic and grabballstic ways. Rather than expound further upon such photos - there's bound to be another in a few days hours - we'd like to show Brady what's in store for him, y'know, other than galleries of photos of him posing buoyantly in compromising positions. Because, after all, the Village People costumes will all be well and good until Week 7, when the Browns, then 1-5, turn around in the shower and hand the reins to Brady Quinn.



Grab a pantful of those Cleveland rocks, Mr. Quinn.

22 comments:

Burnsy said...

Jon Kitna favors the Browns this season.

Big Daddy Drew said...

That poo is, to break out an old chestnut, rather measty looking.

Awful Chief said...

Will there be a preseason all-meast team?

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Brady Quinn fails to comprehend why spending the entire season under a pile of large sweaty men is problematic.

Black n Gold said...

It used to be that I just couldn't stand Cleveland. Now, with Baltimore having been good a couple times and Cincy being good once (I've never seen a team get so much credit for being 8-8 3 out of 4 years), I've begun to legitimately hate those teams more than Cleveland. Now, I just laugh at Cleveland -- much like I did when I saw that gooey pile of poo.

It would be sympathetic if Ohio wasn't the armpit of the Midwest.

lieutenant winslow said...

tread lightly ape, the chosen one is back with Chud, and that has "Top 5 fantasy TE" written all over it.

i'm just bullshittin... i wanted to see what it would sound like if i actually read it out loud.

grungedave said...

and with the first overall pick in the 2008 NFL Draft... the Cleveland, oh, wait - DALLAS COWBOYS select [ xxx ].

Thanks a lot, Cleveland. Even the Houston Texans didn't fuck up the draft that bad.

RevScottDeMangeMD said...

GREAT picture...the Browns have always been nicknamed the "Cleveland Shits" by me and my friends b/c well...shit is Brown. Fucking losers.

UncleBad said...

Cleveland has the Rock N Roll hall of fame because when I think of Rock music I think of, um, all those great bands from Cleveland like, um...

Shan said...

God dammit ape! I'm at work, and now my boss wants to know why i saw that.

devang said...

Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum!! First MMP has the Czech hotties and Ape's post is about shit.

High-low day indeed.

Illegal Immigrant said...

Thank you so much for that nauseating post. Took all of half a second to almost puke up my breakfast. THEN I saw the picture of the turd.

And didn't the Browns fold with the rest of NFL Europe?

gerry dorsey said...

i would love to comment on the content of this post....but i didn't make it past the soggy turd.

the butler said...

why can't I stop looking at that shit?

Smello said...

True story. I knew a boy named Shannon once. He got placed in the all girl dorm when he applied for college housing. And, he then told a bunch of us fellow teenagers that it happened. I think the sweet feathered mullet had addled his brains.

Happy Fun Miles said...

Am I losing my mind, or did you guys give Buffalo a free pass?

Buffalo Chips.

So obvious.

Slash said...

Jesus, that is sick and wrong. Please, no more poo pictures.

Josh Drimmer said...

was that really a Battletoads reference? awesome. although that game never ceased to piss me off. so hard.

vaughn's bar and grill: serving sox baseball since...a few months ago.

Barney said...

I've been in some scary shit hole towns but Cleveland is my personal candidate for permanent "get me the Hell out of here pronto" status. I was on the WRONG side of Mentor Avenue and had to run two stops to keep from getting car-jacked. I felt safer in Baltimore and that's saying something.

Battle Toads AND Harlan Ellison? Amazing. Just who IS this Ape of Christmas?

- Barney

WV = "Roeqron"
Sounds like the name of a Battle-bot.

Rick Muscles said...

In Ozzie Newsome's first round of drafting with the Ravens he picked up Ogden and Ray Lewis. Phil Savage, of the Browns, brought us the overrated white guy version of that draft.

rar288 said...

Fuck... that was the most depressing thing I've seen since Fun with Dick & Jane...

TheNaturalMevs said...

Browns will either go 7-9 or Quinn plays a lot and wins NFL OROY. Either way I must disagree with your assessment.