Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Yes, I Have Heard That Man Vs. Wild Is Fake



I have officially received over 5,000 links from people about the fact that “Man Vs. Wild” is rigged. I know. I read too, people. I can find this shit on my own. You can stop with the schaudenfraude now.

These Bear haters out there make me sick. Why don’t you just tell me Santa Claus doesn’t exist?! It’s not important that Bear’s show is real, okay? It’s only important that I believe it’s real. And these “investigative reporters” and “government officials” are making that a real bitch. Can’t they just leave me and my man-crush alone? They’re ruining the latent homosexual fantasy for everyone, especially me. The man ate a live fish and drank elephant shitjuice. Okay? He’s a badass. Does no one appreciate a little showmanship anymore?!

Besides, how do you know the Pine Resort Hotel At Bass Lake wasn’t haunted?! Maybe he needed to go kick some ghost ass or something! Or maybe the internet access at the resort was dial-up! Tell me you could survive that! Or maybe he needed to save other guests from a man-eating rhino that had been helicoptered in! Okay? It’s conceivable. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

/breaks down crying

OH, BEAR! Why did you do it, Bear? I thought I knew you! I thought you were rugged! I thought you were a bigger man than Les Stroud, who bores the shit outta me! Now, it’s like I don’t even know you! All the letters I wrote to you… all the photos I had framed… all the Vermont Teddy Bears I outfitted with fleece vests... all the high tech surveillance I conducted on your family… ALL FOR NOTHING! We could have had it all! We could have shared blueberry pancakes together! How dare you betray your secret gay lover #1 fan? You bastard! I’ll never watch a one-man-surviving-barren-landscapes show again!

I hate you! I hate you!

Unless you want to get a beer sometime or something. That would be kinda cool.

Oh, and the video above is of lions stalking and taking down an elephant in the dead of night. Fast forward to the end to get to good stuff. TELL ME IT REALLY HAPPENED, BEAR!!!!

40 comments:

theoriginaljd said...

Isn't it that much more impressive if the show is rigged and he STILL drank elephant shit juice? People are taking this all wrong - Bear is even more of a badass now that we know he just drinks elephant shitjuice and his own urine for fun.

flubby said...

Bear says his show will be "transparent" from now on. Now I can watch it and something that doesn't suck at the same time.

John S. said...

I always acccepted a bit of showmanship in his show... I honestly thought it was a "given" considering some of the camera angles that were used.

However, I still stand by my original statement, even it iwas wasn't rigged, he was not portraying a realistic, or advisable, survival mindset.

William said...

Les Stroud is victorious

The Last Unitard said...

I don't give a fuck if Bear spends most of his time in a hot tub getting HJ's and sipping martinis.

He jumped into a frozen over pond and while in it, freezing to death, calmly explained what a bad idea it is to jump into a frozen over pond, and what you must do to survive in case you were stupid enough to do it.

The man is hard-fucking-core.

I will hear no more shit talk about my new man crush. (Sorry Alton Brown)

John S. said...

Oh.. and by the way... regarding any Jon Krakauer love...

Christopher McCandless=idiot.

Peter McSheisty said...

I hate "lol" more then anything on the internets, but I couldnt think of a better acronym after reading this post. Fucking gold, Drew.

devang said...

drank elephant shitjuice

That's just made me puke in my mouth...why would they show him suckling on Rosie O'Donnell's tits?

Wormfather said...

Dear BDD,

"My Tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why, I got outta bed at all. The morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all.

And even I could, it'll all be gray, but you picture on my wall. It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad...

...I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped +ALL+ of your pictures off the wall
I love you Slim, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me"


Love,
Bear

Big Daddy Drew said...

Very nice on the Stan reference.

Slash said...

They photoshop magazine covers AND some of the stuff on Man Vs. Wild didn't happen exactly the way I think? Noooooooo!!!!!! My innocence is shattered... Does this mean that cars don't really explode every time they crash, like in the movies? And I suppose you're going to tell me that everything that happens in pornos isn't real, either.

OkieRover said...

Ex-British SAS guy who knows to drink elephant shit water when you are desperate thirsty, while a camera man is just 10 feet away with a cold bottle of Dasani AND HE STILL DRINKS THE ELEPHANT SHIT WATER. Bad-ass.
I would crawl a mile on broken glass to watch him clip his finger nails.
His accent makes me weak in the knees anyway.

FTA said...

Whatever. He's a good fucking dude. He climbed Everest and was in the SAS. He's a badass and that's all there is to it. Who gives a shit if he slept in a fucking hotel? He still kills shit and then eats it. Bear sometimes makes bad decisions (like putting himself into quicksand) and (staying in hotels). That doesn't make him a not awesome guy. And that's all I have to say about that.

Zodiac said...

Les Stroud is no different... wtf do you think the camera guys do?

They are camera guys, I am sure they would rather not drink their own fecal matter or sleep on a log...

I STILL LOVE YOU BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Look...regardless of what Bear may have done, he fuckin' ate a goddamned sheep's eyeball. AN EYEBALL PEOPLE... after only dipping it into a hot spring for 5 seconds to KILL THE BACTERIA. Not COOK it THOROUGHLY, but ONLY to kill the bacteria.

That was the most bad-ass and disgusting thing I think I've ever seen, especially since there was a whole frozen sheep he could have cut up and cooked in the hot spring.

Let's just recognize that he does shit none of us would ever do and still manages to take about it while doing it.

Wormfather said...

How does one drink shit? Is it like a shit smoothy?

Christmas Ape said...

So, I should change my fantasy team's name to something other than Man Vs. Wild Is Fake?

3000 said...

Realistic, or advisable, survival mindsets can suck my nuts off.

devang said...

So, I should change my fantasy team's name to something other than Man Vs. Wild Is Fake?

How about Bear does not Gryll?
/ducks

gerry dorsey said...

hey bro...man vs. wild is rigged....hate to be the bearer of bad news....just thought you might like to know.

MC said...

Lets be honest…Bear is a Brit, which gives him a natural disadvantage in the wild. It does also gives him an advantage when it comes to eating maggots and sheep eyes because British cuisine is about as tasty as rotting zebra carcass.

Wormfather said...

@MC, have you ever been to the UK, outside of London, that whole fucking country is wild.

Hell, I think the U.S. shoudl invade to, to, how should I put this...to tame the savages.

twoeightnine said...

Specialist elephant hunters? They have to take a class for that?

MC said...

@Wormfather...Been to the UK and have seen the hooligans and not just the fops and dandies within London. But Bear is from the Isle of Wight, which is about as rough as a Brady Quinn sewing circle.

Wormfather said...

@MC, I dont know what you're refering to, but quinn is hard core, doesnt use a thimble or anything.

The Last Dragon said...

Well I know that lion shit aint fake. About 6:05 check out how all the female lions haul ass when the elephant charges. But the male once again shows that he's the baddest MF out there. He doesn't even flinch.

PeteJayhawk said...

Jesus fucking christ, you mean to tell me that reality shows/travel documentaries are sometimes STAGED?

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

K-Rock said...

This show could be more fake than the most planned, set-up event of all time

The NBA Finals

Wormfather said...

I can tell you one thing that wasnt staged, my conception, there was no planning in that shit at all.

I'm done commenting now.

Pemulis said...

if i find out that any of the Women on Rock of Love aren't there to find love with Brett Michaels, i might kill myself

verbal said...

That elephant is actually four Discovery Channel employees in a suit. In the extended clip, one of them climbs out the asshole because it's too hot.

The Dude said...

Now there's a name for a fantasy team. Elephant Shitjuice.

gerry dorsey said...

good call verbal

"kinda hot in these rhinooooooos"

Vanilla said...

I don't even think Bear is really British. Have you seen his teeth? They're perfect!

Fargin_Bastage said...

I always liked Les Stroud better than Bear Grrrrylls anyway. Canadians seem more rugged than Brits (which isn't saying much). And you cannot trust anyone without vowels in their last names (like Polaks). But now I am starting to wonder if Les is really doing all the things he seems to be. Thanks Bear for making me question my manlove for Survivorman, you limey teabag.

rar288 said...

I think we should get another offseason adventures of Michael Vick post to handle the heartbreak that Bear Grylls is a fraud.

Or a Sex Cannon post. But given that Michael Vick is very entertaining right now....gotta go with Ron Mexico adventures.

TheNaturalMevs said...

imaginary family?

bozboylan said...

next thing you guys are gonna tell me that the WWE is fake. please don't hurt my fragile psyche...

Greg Schuler said...

Hehehehehe...this is awesome. Why anyone would trust a man who named his son MARMADUKE is beyond me.

And Bear was a Territorial SAS - he only did it on the weekends.

Oh well, once Bear paraglides around Mt. Everest, everything will be right as rain.

selva said...

This morning started of as a real lazy susan.
Slept in til' 10 something in a , which hasn't happened yet this trip.
We've been early to bed, early to rise everyday, and its been feeling pretty good so far.
You get a lot done when there's more than 8 hours in your day.
And I have been doing surprisingly well without the weed too.
I miss it a little less every day.