Tuesday, July 24, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: Cincinnati Bengals


Five Fast Facts About The Bengals:

- Now that Kevin Federline's career has ceased to be even a publicly acknowledged farce and thus is rightly suppressed into the canon of embarassing cultural ephemera that can only be discussed between sighs in hushed tones, no. 1 fan Carson Palmer has forsworn music altogether. At least once he gets tired of the new Linkin Park album.
-TJ Houshmazood should still be your first overall fantasy pick, especially if your name is Sarah Schorno.
-With the Steelers' hiring of Mike Tomlin in the offseason, Marvin Lewis risks no longer being the most successful black coach in the AFC North. But at least he won't be the fat one.
-Rudi Johnson's entire given name is Burudi, which doesn't sound anything like Burundi. At all. A good thing, as Burundi is filled with giant crocodiles that can fuck up tigers.
-Because he's a Bengal, and partially for show, Chris Henry always remembers to finish off pummeling 16 year olds with a Tiger Uppercut.

Projected 2007 Record: 13-3, 2nd seed in the AFC, first round bye

Actual 2007 Record: 8-8, 3rd in AFC North, miss playoffs

Having the Bengals be the face of unruly behavior and lawlessness is, though undeniably always a treat to this Steelers fan, growing ever more tiresome. What's worse: all the jokes have been mined. And far from just old, it's somewhat unfair. As Cincy fans are quick to point out, such behavior is hardly exclusive to them. But most within the media or the blogosphere would have you believe a league without the Bengals would be as such:



I mean, it didn't look like any of them were even thinking about raping that girl. Certainly not the guy who looked kind of skeeved out about getting touched by a - hyuh - girl.

My suggestion to you, Bengals, is to return to being abjectly terrible and never look back. Don't underachieve. Don't even achieve at all. You were so adroit at being pathetic for so long that I think the throes of withdrawal that came with modest success caused a dark night of the soul and a drunk driving of the soul and an aggravated assault of the soul. The soul's got a long rap sheet, is what I'm saying.

The beauty of my plan is that you don't even have to give up Chad Johnson or Houshmandzadeh. It can be just like old times, with that familiar Carl Pickens/Darnay Scott tandem. Sure, Carson may have to throw a few more frustrating picks to resemble Jeff Blake, but I think he'll find that it will come naturally after not too long.

I'll understand if you don't agree. Those plaintive, longing Ryan Parker songs make agonizing losses fucking beautiful, man.



image courtesy of fark.com

23 comments:

James said...

WTF, Ape --Omar Epps, err Mike Tomlin isn't fat.

James said...

Oh yeah, forgot about Chubby Crennel, Don't mind me, too busy staring into Brady's dreamy eyes.

Grimey said...

what the fuck happened to Lisa Lampanelli

devang said...

Heard it all about the Bengals so I have nothing to add on the topic.

Sorry, bad habit:

farse = farce (unless he starts singing in Farsi and becomes T.J. Housyourmama's favorite singer)

fosworn = forsworn

withdrawl = withdrawal

BeaverFever said...

i may never eat a hot dog again after looking at that picture.

David said...

You were so adroit at being pathetic for so long that I think the throes of withdrawl that came with modest success caused a dark night of the soul and a drunk driving of the soul and an aggravated assault of the soul. The soul's got a long rap sheet, is what I'm saying.

Well done.

Christmas Ape said...

thanks devang, it was posted before I got a chance to edit after writing it last night

SportsGirl365 said...

Nice try, sneaky sneaky Ape. I already told you I'm taking Plax first round.

dcsooner said...

The guy who looked kind of skeeved out about getting touched by a - hyuh - girl was thinking, "Aren't you going to come out as a lesbian in 2005?

Jackin'4Beats said...

After two days off from work, I've got nothing to add here.

Except to say that they'll always be the lovable Bungles to me.

I think I hear Jean Grey calling you - she wants her OCHO CINCO jersey back before she claws your eyes out

Evan said...

Just a note on this blog's retarded love for bear grylls: http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/07/24/a-tv-survivalist-caught-cutting-corners/

Drew said...

Wow! you didn't lead off with a comment on bengals getting arrested... what, is this topic "not fresh" after only 385 media cycles!?!? God forbid KSK actually write something funny about the Bengals aside from arrests. Seriously, there is a treasure trove of humor w/ Cincy (Chilli that looks like an angel's diarrhea, chad johnson racing horses, consistent racial tension in the city, worst colors in the NFl, and redundant underachieving. this is the best you can come up with? Bengals = Rodnery Dangerfield of the NFL

Christmas Ape said...

Rodnery Dangerfield of the NFL

Is he friends with Marvin Brando?

Slash said...

I CAN'T WAIT to eat a hot dog after seeing that picture.

Sarge said...

Carson Palmer, Penis

Pretty much made my uneventful afternoon.

save the steagles said...

I would be lying if I said I didn't secretly wish the Steelers had a Ryan Parker of their own. Damn, those songs are catchy.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Don't even get me started on how absolutely fucking terrible Cincy Chili is.

Vincent Price said...

For those who missed David Stern's press conference in New York today...he likes the Knicks getting 5 points in the season opener.

Otto Man said...

God forbid KSK actually write something funny about the Bengals aside from arrests.

Damn straight! They could've mocked Carson Palmer's shitty music tastes, referenced the T.J. Housyerdaddy ad, or talked trash about Marvin Lewis!

If only.

My Hero Zero said...

Every team from the Midwest not named the Browns that had orange in their color scheme, at least one player arrested during the season and was led by a black head coach made it to the Super Bowl last season.

Based upon this logic, the Bengals will be in the big game, or they'll get destroyed by the Colts in their pre-season game.

Rick Muscles said...

I bet this team loves Pac Man, R. Mexico, and Tank. They really took the heat off of them.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Can you guys post about your imaginary families again soon?

Bad Barbecue said...

1940's camel toe @ the 1:20 mark;

Rare because camels weren't even invented yet.