Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Try to Tackle the Juice and He'll Cut Your Ass

Remember OJ? He's back! In pog video game form!

You might have heard about this new game, All-Pro Football 2K8 (that's gamer language for "Too Kate" -- which I assume is a a tender dedication from the game's programmer to e-lover). It's the one that couldn't get licensing from the NFL so they simply created their own fictional franchises and stocked the rosters with former NFL legends. While the game's cover features such respectable citizens as John Elway, Jerry Rice, and Barry Sanders (very careful to put the white guy in the middle) the real star is on the inside...

(watch it all, the highlight comes at the very end).



Now let's recap...

You've got OJ Simpson in a video game. Fair enough.

You make OJ the star player on a team called The Assassins. Pretty Questionable.

Your mascot for the Assassins is a giant, hooded, knife-wielding maniac who celebrates touchdowns with a stabbing motion? Bellissimo!

I find this intriguing and I believe it's my duty to expand on the idea. Here are my suggestions for All-Pro Football 2K9 (e-bestiality is not cool!)...



Player
Rae Carruth
Team
The Toofers
Mascot:




Player
Ricky Williams
Team
The Bong Squad
Mascot:

via BreakTaker.com

Player
Mark Chmura
Team
The Predators
Logo:



Players
Jerramy Stevens and Leonard Little*
Team
The Breathalyzerz
Mascot and Logo:



*at least one of them should be out of the league by then.

We welcome your Player/Team/Mascot (and/or logo) suggestions in the comments.

34 comments:

JAMMQ said...

Is it too early to consider Brady Quinn for this game? Career-ending injury due to rough anal sex forcing him to retire.

His team and logo could remain the same, since The Browns seems to fit.

My Insignificant Life said...

Player - Michael Vick

Team - The Dog Fighters

Mascot - Pit Bull

OK - it's late and originality left about an hour ago; plus I have been in Vegas since Sunday afternoon and well....enough said.

Ben said...

Player - Bill Maas

Team - The Designated Drivers

Mascot - Matty The Mangled Mazda

---

Player - Kellen Winslow & Ben Roethlisberger

Team - Hell's Angels

Mascot - Biker with a broken arm

---

Player - Brady Quinn

Team - Rainbow Warriors

Mascot - Pat, the ambiguously gendered Trojan

---
For the NBA expansion...

Player - Charles Barkley

Team - The Longshots

Mascot - The Monopoly Guy (with his pockets pulled out)

smeos said...

The Cincinatti Bengals.

Team:

The Cincinatti Bengals.

Mascot:

Billy the Guard of Federal Pound Me in the Ass Prison.

Bill said...

Player: Eli Manning
Team: Third Down Syndrome
Mascot: Chris "Corky" Burke
Logo: 21 Confused Mongols
Stadium: The ChromosDome
I am going: Straight to Hell

Hustler of Culture said...

wow, I haven't seen a gas mask pipe in years. Not...that...I...ever...had....one

Otto Man said...

Player: Joe Horn
Team: The Joe Horns
Mascot: Joe Horn
Logo: Joe Horn
Stadium: Joe Horn Arena
Team Motto: "Joe Horn!"

Matt said...

Player: Terrence Kiel
Team: Purple Drank
Mascot: A giant purple pill
Logo: A giant purple pill

Player: Fred Smoot
Team: Double Dongers
Mascot: Two-headed dildo
Logo: You expected anything different?

Awful Chief said...

Player: Eric Andolsek
Team: Left Guardeners
logo: semi-truck

K-Rock said...

Player: Maurice Clarett
Team: The Rodney Kings
Logo: ATF Logo

My Insignificant Life said...

Player - Orlando Brown

Team - Waving Hankies

Mascot - Helen Keller

Chris said...

Player - Micheal Irvin

Team - The Free-Base All Stars

Mascot - Crack Rock/Whore

TheNaturalMevs said...

madden still wins

Tracer Bullet said...

Player: Tom Brady
Team: The Baby Daddies
Mascot: White trash Barbie
Logo: Giant sperm bursting through a wall

Player: Rex Grossman (isn't that obvious?)
Team: The Sex Cannons
Mascot: Arm cock
Logo: Football covered in Rex Jelly

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I believe it was a clear plastic slammer that had OJ's face behind bars and said "The Juice is Loose."

I... uh, I have no excuse for knowing that.

Jason said...

Going old school...

Player- Reggie Rogers

Team- the Hanoi Rocks

Mascot- Vince Neil/ Stephen Hawking

the butler said...

JESUS CHRIST!!!

I wonder if he wore a cloak like that when he chopped up his ex-....

Franklin said...

Player: Adam 'Pacman' Jones
Team: The Rainiacs
Mascot: A Indian Dancing
Team Logo: Strippers Riding on a Ark, 2 by 2 of course

BeaverFever said...

player - lawrence maroney
team - team construda
mascot - giant kool-aid guy

this was very unoriginal.

Matt said...

@k-rock:

That also works for Steve Foley. Add him to The Rodney Kings roster.

Matt said...

Player: Larry Fitzgerald
Team Name: Crackaz
Mascot: A giant Ritz cracker, it will be as famous as the Syracuse fucking Orange.
Logo: Matt Leinart and Quan eating Ritzs.

Robert said...

Player: Lawrence Phillips
Team Name: The Blindsiders
Logo: Crumpled-up Steve Young
Mascot: Bitch with two black eyes.
TD Celebration: Car drives through children's pick-up football game

JewDago said...

Player: Ricky Manning, Jr.
Team: The NerdBusters
Logo: Ghostbusters logo with Professor Frink instead of the ghost
Mascot: A pit bull with a nerd doll sewn to its jaws
TD Celebration: One guy mimes typing while the other delivers a swift kick to the groin

Rip Slagcheek said...

Starting at safety for yoooouuuur Afghanistan FriendlyFire, number 40, Pat Tillman.

J.L. White said...

Player: Brian Bosworth

Team: The Sugar Walls

Logo: a Georgia O'Keefe painting

Mascot: a Linebacker soaked in his own urine.

Team Motto: "You wouldn't hit someone wear wrap-around shades, would you?!"

Mike said...

Player: Gilbert Brown
Team: Miami Flubberbusters
Logo: Fat guy on a couch
Mascot: Jim Belushi

Player: Ryan Leaf
Team: Chicago Success
Logo: Thumbs up with a check mark behind it
Mascot: Charles Rogers and Akili Smith as themselves

Player: Mike Vanderjagt
Team: Indianapolis Drunken Kickers
Logo: Foot kicking a bottle of booze
Mascot: Capitain Morgan

JewDago said...

Though he'll never make it to the league,

Player: Dominic Jones (formerly of the University of Minnesota)
Team: The Analrapists
Logo: a bed with a passed-out girl face down on it
Mascot: Tobias Funke
TD Celebration: one guy thrusts his pelvis, another mimes taking pictures

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Player:
Terrell Owens

Team:
Pillzapoppin'

Mascot:
Courtney Love

Endorsements:
Char-Cola, Pfizer

Burnsy said...

Player: Cecil Collins
Team: The Breakers and Enterers
Logo: Your adolescent daughter's bed

Pepe said...

Player: Eugene Robinson
Team: Miami Johns
Logo: Guy in a car with window half down, at night scanning the sidewalks
Mascot: Don Magic Juan
Celebration: Not after the TD, but rather before the game. Reaches for wallet, gets handcuffed ...

JewDago said...

Player: Shawne Merriman
Team: Bay Area Collective Rage
Logo: Chris Benoit and his slain family
Mascot: Benoit's reanimated zombie corpse
Celebration: stick a syringe in the ass, murder a fan
Sponsor: Vitamin Water

Player: Michael Vick
Team: New York Red Bulls
Logo: a hose and some frayed, sparking wires
Mascot: a skinned, bleeding pit bull
Celebration: bending fans over a rape stand

Also, the sponsor to the Analrapists should be the iPhone.

cowanac said...

Player: Terrel Owens
Team: The Suicidals
Mascot: Benny the Barbiturate

Buzzsaw said...

Player: He Hate Me
Team:The Saints
Mascot: Jesus

The Last Unitard said...

I'll see your Hot Carl Lee and raise you a Joey Brown-eye.