Tuesday, July 31, 2007

AHHHHHH!!!! FRANK GORE BROKE HIS F—KING HAND!!!!


It took lots of research, but I think I finally have my draft board all set for Thursday. We’re drafting early this year, but I don’t think it should be much of a problem. I don’t see any Portis-type injuries on the…

OH FUCK!!!!! FRANK GORE BROKE HIS FUCKING HAND!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

Oh God. Oh god, what do I do now? I mean, what the fuck do I do now? It took hours just to slot him fourth! And now… now where the fuck do I put him? Does he stay in the Willie Parker tier, or does he drop to the Willis McGahee tier? What if I draft 7th or at some other queer slot? And where the FUCK do I rank him for my keeper league?

Oh, God. I think I’m gonna shit my pants.

What if I have to pick between him and Brian Westbrook? Should I skip both and take a lesser back with no injury problems? But what if THAT guy gets injured and Gore returns to stud form? God, I would hang myself if that happened. Should I take a receiver instead? What if he gets injured? Christ, then I’ll want to commit seppuku.

Relax, Drew. He’s a stud. Remember when you drafted him in the 4th last year? Made you feel like a fucking genius, didn’t it? He’ll come through. Don’t be afraid to draft him. Old Gorey's still got the magic!

Unless Michael Robinson bogarts his goal line carries.

FUCK.

OH, DAMN YOU, PRACTICE! DAMN YOU TO HELL! FOOTBALL PLAYERS DON’T NEED TO FUCKING PRACTICE! LEARNING ISN’T WORTH THE DANGER, I TELL YOU!

I want all skill position players frozen in carbonite until the season begins. You hear me, head coaches! Quit toying with my potential prized possessions, you Machiavellian fucks!

Maybe his hand will heal in time. Maybe it’s nothing. But God, what if it’s something? What if this impairs his receiving abilities? What if he loses his 3rd down touches? What if he fumbles? Oh God, not the fumbling again. I just can't take it!

/downs shot of mezcal

Ah, the burning serves as a distraction. Must... not... worry... about... it...

But what if the hand just nags the shit out of him all year long and he’s always Questionable every week? Guhhhhhh. The word Questionable gives me hives. I can’t draft questionable. I must draft fucking definitive!

Maybe I should just take Peyton Manning and roll the dice with Jamal Lewis or something.

/bashes head against wall

/swallows handful of Advil

AHHHHHH, I CAN’T BELIEVE HE BROKE HIS HAND! WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN MY OWN, GOD?! GAHHHHHHH!!!!

I don’t know why they call it Fantasy football. This is a fucking nightmare.

31 comments:

j_brock said...

Are you inside my head?

MoonshineMike said...

The "giant sucking sound" was fantasy players squealing nationwide.

grungedave said...

To overcompensate for his hand injury... watch his knee explode for the third time this fall!

I think I'll add Gore to my DND list (along with Peter King "faves" Jon Kitna and Jamal Lewis)

Otto Man said...

What Brock said. I'm picking in the five spot and was already having a hard time deciding between Addai and Alexander. Between LJ's contract disputes and Gore's injury, now it looks like I may get neither. Awesome.

Also, I got an update from my fantasy site that "Gore Brakes Hand!" Is it wrong that I now consider them unreliable because they can't even master basic spelling?

Biggus Rickus said...

I took him as a late-round flier a couple of years ago. He helped lose a game closely late in the year. Fuck the coaching staff for not inserting him in the lineup earlier. Fuck Barlow for being almost serviceable and making the coaches keep giving him chances. But mostly, fuck Gore for not breaking out a year earlier. I hope his hand causes him to fumble three times a game.

/pent up anger

j_brock said...

He's my keeper in one league, and my potential first round pick in another. I think I'm gonna be sick. Maybe this is an elaborate plan to keep him healthy! Yea, that it!

AdamBez said...

Chester Taylor got carted off the field today too. Something with his arm/shoulder.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Chester Taylor being carted off is GOOD fantasy news.

All Day, baby.

BeaverFever said...

fantasy football is a cruel bitch.

Jarrett Carter said...

Looks like Dominic Rhodes fo' yo' ass!

Max said...

Does he use the hand for anything else or just fucking?

MC said...

My draft is now screwed, as well. What chaps my ass about this is that he broke his hand during a non-contract drill.

Bloof said...

Suck it up. This is the kind of stuff that separates the men from the lucky bastards.

Jackin'4Beats said...

You can always take Priest Holmes. I hear he's coming back for another pounding...uh...I mean season.

Rob I said...

Relax, Grandma. Football Outsiders still has him #1.

gerry dorsey said...

allen iverson thinks you have some pretty good ideas regarding practice.

Tracer Bullet said...

With Leinart keeping defenses honest and the addition of Russ Grimm and a revamped offensive line, Edge could have a monster season.

Bwah-ha-haaaa! You're fucked. This is why I don't play Fantasy Football.

Cliff said...

Or you could just play it safe and draft Ronnie Brown.

the chief said...

this makes me sad b/c gore probably won't be able to update his myspace page as easily with one hand. Now me? I could do that with one hand tied behind my back or wedged in my pants. There is no offseason for illicit adult web surfing, you know?

jay said...

speaking of frank gore, where the hell is the simpsons review? has anyone seen it?

My Insignificant Life said...

Since tis is Fantasy Football, pretend that this is a Fantasy Injury.

Pemulis said...

as long as his finger-blasting hand is alright, i'll be happy.

also @ jay: simpsons movie was great; very funny and very well done

lieutenant winslow said...

honestly, if 2 torn ACL's can't stop him, what chance does a broken hand have


xanax, drew. xanax. seriously, its a beautiful thing.

naptown drew said...

Umm...
I hate to break it to you guys, but if you're drating Frank Gore you're retarded anyway. He's okay for yardage but can't find the end zone to save a pit bull's life

naptown drew said...

I meant "drafting" Frank Gore. "Drating" is a special code word I have with my penis when it's business time.

swing4 said...

Maybe his hand will heal in time. Maybe it’s nothing.

That seemed to work pretty well for T.O. last year.

/sarcasm

Yes, I know they play different positions. Don't over think it.

devang said...

1st Bill Walsh and now this. Will the niners suffering never end?

Jackin'4Beats said...

I hear Jimmy Dix is still on the board and his hand's in much better shape that Frank Gore.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Better yet, you should draft Billy Cole.

Tom said...

You have McGahee below Parker? That's so 2006.

the butler said...

now way that drops him into the Parker or McGahee tier.

but that dynamite strapped to his knee worries me.