Monday, July 30, 2007

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: China!


Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Next up: China, with your tour guide Orson Swindle, of the great Every Day Should Be Saturday. Take it away, Orson.

China, you won't understand this, because you all speak Chinese. Or so I'm told. I went there with a 500 word vocabulary, which seemed like 495 words too many, since the five words most Chinese people use every day to a curly haired filthy bearded laowai are foreigner, hello, aaiiiiiggggh!, prostitute, and beer. Those five in combination with yes and no should get you through most situations, as shown in the following sentence:

"Yes, foreigner. Prostitute? No. Beer? No? Aiiiiiiiigggggh!"

China's got a billion people, so you know some of them can be conned into watching the NFL simply because there are a billion people in China, and over one hundred million of them don't seem to do anything but smoke. And if the NFL has a target market, it's people who sit around doing nothing but smoking--look at where they put their last four expansion teams. Cleveland, Houston, Jacksonville, and Charlotte are all chain-smoking zombievilles like most rural Chinese villages are, except without the thrill of dodging randomly placed feces of undetermined origin on the street.

[Correction: Jacksonville has plenty of randomly placed feces, but of definite origin. It's 100% pure incontinent retiree shit. We apologize for the error.]

Anyway, they're allegedly going to rule this century, so we might as well send them our ultimate weapon: the NFL.

China will hen xihuan...

-China is an ancient culture full of past glories that happened millenia ago, which Chinese people will obnoxiously remind you of while they shoo away beggars and hock loogies loudly onto the ground. The Dallas Cowboys should have an immediate toehold on dominating this kind of a market.

--Booming business in Beijing's state-sanctioned sex toy shops with arrival of Fred Smoot.

--As in the NFL, hooliganism is a crime punishable by death in China, meaning Roger Goodell could have Mike Vick and Pac Man Jones put to death by state mandate with no union muss or fuss. This is still something China would fucking love--they hold their executions in stadiums.

--Culture of rampant gambling and mad speculation means ex-NFLer Art Schlicter has an instant 'in' as a spokesperson.

--Mutual appreciation by Chinese people and NFL players of expensive, gas-flavored cognac and solid-gold plumbing fixtures.

--China will open new export market in illegal supplements to Shawn Merriman, who will immediately test positive for unsanctioned levels of bear bile, tiger penis, and lead in his blood. (Lead, you ask? This is a Chinese export. Chocked full fo lead for your convenience.)

--Just like the NFL, no one in China has AIDS.

--NFL offers new way to punish dissidents, who could be assigned to life of quiet torture in the gulag that is the Washington Redskins front office.

--Uniform playbooks? Crushing conformity of thought? We smell romance.


China will run over the NFL with a tank like a student protester for...

--19 hour work days for NFL coaches? Pussies.

--Esera Tualo, Peter King and Bret Favre also practice a felony punishable by death in China.

--Bill Cowher's inability to father a son makes him a laughing stock as an analyst and announcer.

--NFL? Mostly black guys. China? All Asian chicks. A match made in heaven for NFL players, and in hell for Chinese men.

--Players' inability to smoke during plays.

--The presence of that dirty half-breed Korean Hines Ward.

--Rich Eisen's sweaty, desperate display of "yellow fever" whenever a Chinese woman is around.

--Pregame buffets sadly devoid of braised chicken asshole.

--"Dragon Bringing Sun To Earth" Mantis Kung Fu Throat Chop sadly forbidden under NFL rules.

20 comments:

Burnsy said...

Laurence Maroney could make NFL fortune cookies.

"Man with unwashed ass has no one to share construda with."

Unsilent Majority said...

I, for one, am glad that Bill Cowher didn't drown his female offspring.

TheAntiFollicle said...

I may personally drown cowher if he makes the rumored nfl return with the skins, that would be worse then 16 weeks of Manning bowl hype

Weed Against Speed said...

Unsilent: He nearly did with his saliva when he was reading them The Giving Tree at bedtime.

Jackin'4Beats said...

All I know is that this Lo Pan character comes out of thin air in the middle of a goddamn alley while his buddies are flying around on wires cutting everybody to shreds while he just STANDS there waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him with LIGHT coming out of his mouth!

I wonder when Adrian Peterson will fracture his collarbone again, thus causing BDD to hurl himself off of the next DC overpass?

BeaverFever said...

@ weed against speed, i kind of pictured Cowher as a "goodnight moon" at bedtime type of guy. also, i hate The Giving Tree.

Shan said...

where will they find room for their enormous SUV's? you mean to tell me they might have to roll with 22" inch rims? you sadistic bastards.

Shan said...

edit: god damn my redundant "22" inch" comment

Otto Man said...

Kurt Russell won an Oscar for "Big Trouble in Little China," right?

Camp Tiger Claw said...

Somewhere, Eugene Chung masturbates.

devang said...

Wow, I don't want a happy ending from that guy.

What?

Pemulis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pemulis said...

the entire country is wondering why Mike Vick could go to jail for organizing food fights

PK said...

@ Pemulis

Score!

My Insignificant Life said...

@ pemulis +2

devang said...

@Pemulis

nice!! But I thought the dog eating festival was in Korea. Maybe Hines Ward can explain.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Pemulis has cemented his genius. Good work.

The Pirate Sloth said...

There's too many good quotes from this movie that would apply to this post. ARGH! Too many choices.

Rick Muscles said...

If there are two countries that will never accept and play football aren't they China and India. One country doesn't let people eat meat and the other can't properly feed it's population. Why not just try to put football where they don't have food restrictions.

swing4 said...

Orson, WTF? This was a work of pure genius, but college football starts in, like, three days. Shouldn't you be preparing your BCS ranking grids?