Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Next up: China, with your tour guide Orson Swindle, of the great Every Day Should Be Saturday. Take it away, Orson.
China, you won't understand this, because you all speak Chinese. Or so I'm told. I went there with a 500 word vocabulary, which seemed like 495 words too many, since the five words most Chinese people use every day to a curly haired filthy bearded laowai are foreigner, hello, aaiiiiiggggh!, prostitute, and beer. Those five in combination with yes and no should get you through most situations, as shown in the following sentence:
"Yes, foreigner. Prostitute? No. Beer? No? Aiiiiiiiigggggh!"
China's got a billion people, so you know some of them can be conned into watching the NFL simply because there are a billion people in China, and over one hundred million of them don't seem to do anything but smoke. And if the NFL has a target market, it's people who sit around doing nothing but smoking--look at where they put their last four expansion teams. Cleveland, Houston, Jacksonville, and Charlotte are all chain-smoking zombievilles like most rural Chinese villages are, except without the thrill of dodging randomly placed feces of undetermined origin on the street.
[Correction: Jacksonville has plenty of randomly placed feces, but of definite origin. It's 100% pure incontinent retiree shit. We apologize for the error.]
Anyway, they're allegedly going to rule this century, so we might as well send them our ultimate weapon: the NFL.
China will hen xihuan...
-China is an ancient culture full of past glories that happened millenia ago, which Chinese people will obnoxiously remind you of while they shoo away beggars and hock loogies loudly onto the ground. The Dallas Cowboys should have an immediate toehold on dominating this kind of a market.
--Booming business in Beijing's state-sanctioned sex toy shops with arrival of Fred Smoot.
--As in the NFL, hooliganism is a crime punishable by death in China, meaning Roger Goodell could have Mike Vick and Pac Man Jones put to death by state mandate with no union muss or fuss. This is still something China would fucking love--they hold their executions in stadiums.
--Culture of rampant gambling and mad speculation means ex-NFLer Art Schlicter has an instant 'in' as a spokesperson.
--Mutual appreciation by Chinese people and NFL players of expensive, gas-flavored cognac and solid-gold plumbing fixtures.
--China will open new export market in illegal supplements to Shawn Merriman, who will immediately test positive for unsanctioned levels of bear bile, tiger penis, and lead in his blood. (Lead, you ask? This is a Chinese export. Chocked full fo lead for your convenience.)
--Just like the NFL, no one in China has AIDS.
--NFL offers new way to punish dissidents, who could be assigned to life of quiet torture in the gulag that is the Washington Redskins front office.
--Uniform playbooks? Crushing conformity of thought? We smell romance.
China will run over the NFL with a tank like a student protester for...
--19 hour work days for NFL coaches? Pussies.
--Esera Tualo, Peter King and Bret Favre also practice a felony punishable by death in China.
--Bill Cowher's inability to father a son makes him a laughing stock as an analyst and announcer.
--NFL? Mostly black guys. China? All Asian chicks. A match made in heaven for NFL players, and in hell for Chinese men.
--Players' inability to smoke during plays.
--The presence of that dirty half-breed Korean Hines Ward.
--Rich Eisen's sweaty, desperate display of "yellow fever" whenever a Chinese woman is around.
--Pregame buffets sadly devoid of braised chicken asshole.
--"Dragon Bringing Sun To Earth" Mantis Kung Fu Throat Chop sadly forbidden under NFL rules.