Tuesday, July 17, 2007

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: Czech Republic!

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Up next: the Czech Republic!

Hey Czech people. I was just in your country, or is it just a half-country now? Whatever, but it’s great, man. It's like a Disneyland for communism! Well, I guess you're not communist anymore, not since '68. Or was it '89? Or…was it…’69. Hehe, 69. G0dammit, that’s some fucking platinum shit right there.

Anyway, there were two things that blew me away about your fine nation, I mean, aside from the fact I wanted to run through the streets shooting people while screaming jibberish in a German accent. First off, you have some damn fine women over there. Holy shit. I could just be walking down the street in Prague, and I’d see some Chesky that’s so damn hot, I just want to drag her by the hair into a convenience store and fuck her brains out until they’re splattered all over the gum. It’s just unbelievable how smokin’ those girls are. Secondly, you guys really like meat. What's up with that?

So I think you guys are really going to like the NFL. It’s kinda like your futbol, except in our game, when a guy goes down to the soil, gripping his knee in agony, he’s actually hurt. And none of our uniformed participants look like they just stepped out a gay bar, or a Cyndi Lauper concert, which is pretty much how every native guy in the Czech Republic wants to dress. You want to see somebody that’s loud, you fucking commies? Go stand in front of a mirror.

Oh, that’s right, you’re not communist any more. My bad, dawg.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in Prague, feel up tits.

But back to these Czech broads for just a second, I mean, I can see why none of you own cars over there, because you could just catch a glimpse of some holka at a red light and your fucking erection would pop right through the steering column. I mean, it's just one fine honey after another. More than once, I've just wanted to follow one to a currency exchange station and watch her exchange her korunas for English pounds while I pound the little Englishman in my pants. Sweet Mother of Pearl!

One of the things about the NFL that you might have trouble…actually, if I could go back to the women again for a second: I mean, I spent a good chunk of my life in the States trying to woo these broads that have been grazing on McDonalds and wasting all their time buying clothes that match. And they parade down the street, like 4 or 5 to a group, like they’re a bunch of fucking somebodys, like God's chosen cattle or some shit. "Uh, don't you just LOVE my new SHOES?" Sure thing, Heather. I'll agree with whatever stupidity you can muster if it gets me sex.

Meanwhile, just across the ocean are these foxy, unassuming communist girls that will line up outside my hotel room to vacuum my floor with one hand and stick a wet finger up my ass with the other. And they won't give a shit if I don't ask them about their day! You guys are onto something over there.

Okay, okay. You’re not communist anymore. Whatever.

But even as a grown man, I find myself overwhelmed by this new race of submissive super-snatch, like that one time my parents left town and I had to wash the dog. I mean, sure, I could thread fishing line through young Petra’s clit and tie the other end to a door and slam it all night long, but is that what’s best for her? Is that what’s best for America?

Now I’m not saying I have to gag her with an Abercrombie T-shirt before I fuck her in the ass and write the Declaration of Independence on her back from memory using a Sharpie. But I think that, as an American—-no, as a part of the leadership of the free world, I owe my service to the women of the Czech Republic. I owe it to them to let capitalism reign, to let it prosper, just as each and every one of them owes it to me to get her tonsils poked out by my stiff liberator while one of my friends tags her from behind and she hums the chorus to Battle Hymn of The Republic.

Glo-ry Glo-ry Hal-le-lu-jah!
Glo-ry Glo-ry Hal-le-lu-jah!
Glo-ry Glo-ry Hal-le-lu-jah!
His truth is march-ing on!



I mean, after all, you’re not communist anymore.


47 comments:

forward said...

czechmate.
/obvious

As an aside, Punter, you ok?

Lionel McClure said...

Dude, you totally forgot to mention how hot the women over there are.

Mike said...

That was great. Snatch. Nice.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Jeez Punter, thats just not wrong. You pretty much nailed that one.

Are you sure you don't need to go rub one out? Never go out with a loaded weapon buddy.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Looks like someone here is a big Sylvia Saint fan.

Unsilent Majority said...

I feel unclean

Christmas Ape said...

In former Soviet Union, Republic Czechs you.

grungedave said...

new race of submissive super-snatch

... I'm totally stealing that as a title if I ever decide to direct a porno.

devang said...

MMP, Greg Oden needs help with his tonsils.

Otto Man said...

I believe the erection you've described is known as the Prague Spring.

John S. said...

Been there...

Punter is right.

The problem is that the Czech women do not have a good shelf life if they remain there.

Eagles ROCK! Admit it you know they do. said...

i think i may have to move to Prague.

BeaverFever said...

that was f'ing great. my only complaint is that it needed a few pics of those aforementioned hot czech girls.

TurleyGirlie said...

Totally right about the hot Czech girls. They are thin too...from walking EVERYWHERE.

When we were there, we dubbed their fashion style "Czech slut chic."

But, we weren't bitter or anything.

John S. said...

Pictures of George S. (may he rest in peace) got me all misty eyed for the good ol' days.

"Men, this stuff that some sources sling around about America wanting out of this war, not wanting to fight, is a crock of bullshit. Americans love to fight, traditionally. All real Americans love the sting and clash of battle. You are here today for three reasons. First, because you are here to defend your homes and your loved ones. Second, you are here for your own self respect, because you would not want to be anywhere else. Third, you are here because you are real men and all real men like to fight. When you, here, everyone of you, were kids, you all admired the champion marble player, the fastest runner, the toughest boxer, the big league ball players, and the All-American football players. Americans love a winner. Americans will not tolerate a loser. Americans despise cowards. Americans play to win all of the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Americans have never lost nor will ever lose a war; for the very idea of losing is hateful to an American."

Jackin'4Beats said...

MMP, all is forgiven for allowing the ladies... to take over this site. That was brilliant.

I owe it to them to let capitalism reign, to let it prosper, just as each and every one of them owes it to me to get her tonsils poked out by my stiff liberator while one of my friends tags her from behind and she hums the chorus to Battle Hymn of The Republic.

That was one of the best pieces of literary prose I've ever read. But I agree, where are the pix of the hot Chex Chix?

Monday Morning Punter said...

The problem is that the Czech women do not have a good shelf life if they remain there.

That is the fucking truth. Once they turn 40, they all look like men.

gymclassheroes said...

John S.

Obviously, George was not a Lions fan...'cause laughing is way better than the crying/looting/raping of defenseless sex dolls that typically befalls your average Lions fan.

Or so I hear, anyway...

John S. said...

@punter

Funny though, if you bring them here in their prime, they maintain their figure and looks. I can't explain it.

John S. said...

If George were a Lions fan, he would slap Jon Kitna and tell him he will have no cowards on his roster.

Monday Morning Punter said...

@john s.

I think it's just the shitty nutrition they have over there. For the whole week, I think I only saw three pieces of fruit. Their four food groups seem to be meat, bread, beer, and meat. They like meat.

As for pics, you guys could start with this. I haven't gone through the whole album.

If you're the profilin' type, try this (although my favorites might be here and here).

Or you could get off your virtual asses and try this.

Otto Man said...

No need to travel there. Hot Czech chicks and cold Pilsner Urqell are both available at several finer gentlemen's clubs in your area.

John S. said...

@punter - You might be right about that.

Regarding your links, it is amazing how you can, literally, "buy" a woman from Eastern Europe. I mean, the notion is really mindboggling.

The funny thing is... mention the demeanor and hotness of these woman and watch how the American women's feathers get all ruffled.

That being said, I am sure if you brought one here, it would only be a matter of time before the American women got to her... sort of like Eddie Murphy's "Umfu-fu".

"I want half!"

devang said...

@MMP,

Wait a fuckin' minute!! Petra wants a "slim non-smoker and a non-drinker". Pussy, alcohol, pussy, alcohol. That's a tough choice man.

She is one fine piece of ass though.

BeaverFever said...

MMP, thanks for those pic links.

Shan said...

no woman is worth giving up alcohol...fuck that.

Angelos said...

Marketa.

Nella.

Oh my.

Jarrett Carter said...

...a tear drops from the prominent brow of Vlade Divac.

Tracer Bullet said...

Who knew President Bush had the time to post on KSK?

Monday Morning Punter said...

@ angelos, that second link is SO NSFW.

Burnsy said...

Does this mean Mike Vick will be starring in Hostel 3?

Chris said...

Hurray for country who were part of the old Soviet Block. If only Boris Yeltsin could see what you have become.

FTA said...

Why doesn't that site have any 17 and under girls?

(sound of pin dropping)

What? I'm just wondering, that's all. Geez.

Jackin'4Beats said...

@angelos

NSFW must be tagged after those links... c'mon man, not trying to lose my job over here.

Otto Man said...

For those of you who worry you can't bag yourself a Czech hottie, remember -- if Ric Ocasek can do it, anyone can.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Ed-diie. What have you done for me late-ly? Ed-iie!

I want half!

From the other side of town said...

Scoring on some foreign tang, KSK on vacation style, oh yeah!

john said...

oh my god what a surprise a post on football

denvergodfather said...

(Meanwhile, just across the ocean are these foxy, unassuming communist girls that will line up outside my hotel room to vacuum my floor with one hand and stick a wet finger up my ass with the other)
That is pure comedic gold. Thank you very much.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Looks like someone here is a big Sylvia Saint fan.

Who the hell isn't?

rand said...

MMP...that page has the makings of this weeks draft....

swing4 said...

So, you're saying you struck out...?

Babydaddy said...

Prague rules. When I went there I saw some dude lift up his girlfriend's dress and fondle her underwearless ass. On the street. In broad daylight. Which is the best thing I saw in Europe--fuck a Louvre.

Budapest is good too.

rar288 said...

BDD, the thing I love about Silvia Saint is that she has no shame. Like, it doesn't seem like she's even getting paid to do it.

Drizztdj said...

Czech Republic:

At least its not Cleveland.

Jay Byers said...

Punter, please don't go to Russia. From your reaction to the Czech Republic, seeing Russian women will probably make your penis explode.

Robert said...

Women in Budapest>Women in Prague. Hands down.